To not want to drive 2 hours on Xmas Eve ?

[Foalma19]

My family (mother and sibling) usually come to us for Christmas. They live a 2 hour round trip away and neither can drive. This means each year DH and I collect them and take them back a few days later.

This year my mother has to be in work for 8am on Boxing day. I agreed to get up early and drive her back so that she could be in work on time and still stay for Christmas. I wasn't hugely thrilled at the prospect but thought I'd suck it up for the sake of family harmony.

However, now it's been announced that my sibling won't finish work on Christmas Eve until 8pm. Neither myself or DH wants to make the 2 hour round trip (plus however long stuck in traffic on the motorway) at that hour on Christmas Eve.

Are we being unreasonable to leave them to have Christmas by themselves?

By way of explanation we have young children so Christmas Eve is pretty busy once they are in bed sorting gifts etc. Going to them is not an option, hence why we always collect them and take them back. I don't know if they could get a train that late and it would take several hours so I don't think they'd be keen. As non-drivers I don't think they really appreciate that a 2 hour round trip can be a pita for us.

So what's the verdict?

Why are people still telling them to get a train. THERE ARE NO TRAINS THEY CAN GET. The OP has said this many many many times 😳

As they both work in retail they may be secretly relieved to just collapse at home together on Christmas Eve ready for the big push on Boxing Day.

'They haven't learnt to drive because you always pick up / drop off they've no need to.
Maybe they'll see the need once you ask them to make their own way. '

While I think the relatives here are being U in demanding a visit on their terms at a very inconvenient time, I feel quite strongly that people should not be condemned for being unable to drive, unless one knows the full story. I have had physical and visual problems all my life, which mean I can't drive, and would endanger myself and others if I tried. I have adapted my life round this fact. I know other people who could drive at one time, but can't do so safely once they're older.

I do think that if you cannot drive you should choose a place to live where it's not necessary to do so, rather than expect others always to ferry you. But it may be that these relatives already live somewhere where they don't have to drive to their normal activities (obviously they manage to get to work); and it only becomes an issue at Christmas because of the distances involved.

Yanbu not at all. You are overly responsible for mum and sibling . Agree with them " yes it is a shame so I'm thinking about organising a weekend/ two days ( what suits you) we can have a mini celebration after Christmas" ......arrange to call them on Christmas day. It is tough to change behaviour but you can do it; loosen the strings

Definitely don't do it. We're having a family Christmas on the 2nd full December weekend with our family who live away so we can at least spend some time together before Christmas as its not possible over actual Christmas. Is it possible for you before/after Christmas to do so?

I'd ask them if they could leave you a key to their house. Other than it being late there's no reason they should come to you over you going to them, especially if they don't drive.

If they can't accommodate you earlier I'd say sorry but you can't come.

I’m sorry if that came across as the tone of my message ie guilt tripping. That was not what was intended at all which was why I said that she would not at all be unreasonable.
Op said herself that having them there is a tradition and the point I was making is that she might find her day less enjoyable for not having them.
People are very attacking of other view points on here.

Please don't do the drive. Most of my family don't lice near us and alot of them also don't drive. They train or coach to us and my hubby picks them up from our local station or they get a cab. Its Christmas Eve, you've little ones, no way should you feel pressured to collect and then take back boxing day. Don't let them make you feel guilty. If the they want to spend Christmas with you they need to find their own way. Stay put xx

There must be a half way point, if it’s 3 trains, pick them up at station 2, there has to be give and take and especially given you’re returning them so early on Boxing Day - which is strange that she accepted working given her location ...
I would even suggest station 2, maybe station 1 on Boxing Day too if that’s an option, boxing day is still a lovely day with young kids to be driving 4 hours round trip...surely they will understand...

If they really want to come they could get a taxi to a station that DOES have a train they could catch into London, and then get a train to closer to you, so that you could pick them up, or get another local taxi. It’s probably doable.

I wouldn’t be going all the way to pick them up myself though.

Say no and plan a special day with them another time.

Leave them. Tbh I'm sure your partner will enjoy a Christmas without them.

You say you don’t enjoy their company very much. The driving is a big inconvenience and with those timings I’d give it a miss this year.

If it can't be done it can't be done.

Be straight with your Mum and Sister. Just say "It's a real shame about your shifts but it can't be helped. It's just too tight for us to squash that in on Christmas Eve"

Trains generally don’t run on Boxing Day either. Correct me if I’m wrong but for the majority of lines/operators there’s no service at all with a rare few exceptions eg Chiltern trains to Bicester Village.

It's ridiculous let them have Xmas alone this year.

Sunshine - apology accepted! That’s the trouble with the internet, an innocent comment intended to read one way, can be interpreted completely differently.

I'd just say that its a shame but this year just won't work and they can then either make arrangements or not, as they choose.

Thanks for the update Op!

( no ones driving anywhere).

I still think they never really wanted to come though. Everyone has to say something polite about thrir grandkids. They will enjoy just having a rare day off by the sound of it.

The fact that you pick them up (presumably whenever they visit and not just at Christmas) means your sibling hasn't had to bother to learn to drive.

I wouldn't do it. Not with young children, it's not fair on them to not be able to celebrate Christmas Eve with both of you.

If Christmas is important to your mother & sibling then suggest they come earlier (sibling could take leave) or sort out transport arrangements that don't mean a 4 hour (+) drive for you.

but I can't force someone to learn to drive when they can't be bothered.

You can stop giving them a reason not to.

Just agree - "yes that's a shame your working hours means we can't spend xmas together, we will come and visit you after christmas for coffee"

DO NOT OFFER TO PICK THEM UP UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES/MANIPULATION!!

People who do not drive do not know the time, trouble, expense and exhaustion it causes and this makes them unconscious CFs ( to give them the maximum credit they might deserve).

Kindly, politely but very firmly say that you were stretching a point to do the Boxing Day run but that the Christmas Eve addition has made the trip impossible to fit into Christmas arrangements . Do not answer questions or explain anything, but stick to your message. ‘It will not work for us.’

At the same time, throw in a sweetener by suggesting you all meet up soon after Christmas for a get together. You could even bill it as a second Christmas with mince pies and presents etc.

There will be resistance but be prepared for this and stay firm but cheerful. Do not be put a position where you feel guilty. It is your Christmas that is potentially being spoiled and, really, it was pushing it to ask for unreasonable lifts so you have done nothing wrong.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. One missed Christmas, and then possibly the pair of them sorting out time off work better next Christmas surely won't be too much of a hardship?

I'd tell them that Boxing day is fine, but you can't do Christmas Eve. It's not possible. Your mum can come earlier or they can make their own way together on public transport and cabs. Or your sister can try to change her shifts. It's in their power to work this out. As grown ups.