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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to drive 2 hours on Xmas Eve ?

255 replies

Foalma19 · 25/11/2019 14:11

My family (mother and sibling) usually come to us for Christmas. They live a 2 hour round trip away and neither can drive. This means each year DH and I collect them and take them back a few days later.

This year my mother has to be in work for 8am on Boxing day. I agreed to get up early and drive her back so that she could be in work on time and still stay for Christmas. I wasn't hugely thrilled at the prospect but thought I'd suck it up for the sake of family harmony.

However, now it's been announced that my sibling won't finish work on Christmas Eve until 8pm. Neither myself or DH wants to make the 2 hour round trip (plus however long stuck in traffic on the motorway) at that hour on Christmas Eve.

Are we being unreasonable to leave them to have Christmas by themselves?

By way of explanation we have young children so Christmas Eve is pretty busy once they are in bed sorting gifts etc. Going to them is not an option, hence why we always collect them and take them back. I don't know if they could get a train that late and it would take several hours so I don't think they'd be keen. As non-drivers I don't think they really appreciate that a 2 hour round trip can be a pita for us.

So what's the verdict?

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 26/11/2019 16:36

Op,
Christmas eve is a really special time,magical,and these years with your young dc won't be forever,cherish them.
From what I've read,your sibling is plain lazy and relies on everyone else because they enable her to act like a selfish child.
Put your dc and your dh and you first.
Say that because of their work times it will not be possible for you to collect them or host Christmas but perhaps see them in the new year.
Then stand your ground.
They might not like it but tough,they have no cares at all for you and your family having the evening messed up.as
Dog your heels in and don't give in.
Good luck.

Drum2018 · 26/11/2019 17:05

Another one who says no. Don't engage in any hints they may drop. If they ask outright for you to collect them and drop them home just say "no, given both your working hours Christmas Eve and Boxing Day it's just not feasible". Surely they have friends they can pop into on the day to break the monotony. Or they can sit back, watch tv, relax for the day in between the madness of their retail jobs. If they did travel they'd probably both be wrecked for work on Boxing Day.

meins · 26/11/2019 17:35

Sounds to me like they are not willing to budge or change their plans. Ur willing to go out of your way to collect and drop off... Surely they can bend to change their plans!?

EmbarrassedMum1 · 26/11/2019 17:58

No way!!, you deserve a nice stress free Christmas too!!. I'd be telling them you'd like them to be there but they'll have to make their own way there and you cannot pay for their taxi.

If they really want to be there they'll find a way.

jesst81 · 26/11/2019 18:03

Two hour round trip is travelling anywhere in London it’s easily done. Personally it’s the time of year that you should spend with your family and if you can see your mum on Christmas Eve why not?
Maybe that’s my thoughts because my mother lives abroad and I would love to spend Xmas eve with her.

sunshinemode · 26/11/2019 18:04

Of course you are not unreasonable not to want to do this and it is a pain but do you think you will really enjoy Christmas without them and knowing that they would have wanted to be with you.
Also won’t your kids miss their granny and auntie. My son would be devastated if we didn’t have a house full at Christmas.
I can remember the years when for various family upsets my nana didn’t spend Christmas with us and I was very unhappy about it.

Henhophouse · 26/11/2019 18:09

Oh bung a sock in it sunshine. The OP doesn’t want to drive 2 hours on Christmas Eve and then again on Boxing Day and she isn’t unreasonable. Stop trying to guilt her.

messolini9 · 26/11/2019 18:13

To explain a bit more about the dynamic. It's always my job to solve my mothers problems and my sibling, although a grown adult, is still treated like a child.

Then it's time to put your foot down OP, or you will be Mrs Fixit forevermore. Mother & sibling can do without your assistance for ONE year ... if they don't like that outcome, they can choose to learn to drive. You know - just like you did.

Derbee · 26/11/2019 18:14

@sunshinemode how can you enjoy YOUR Christmas, knowing that there’s a random woman on her own on Christmas Day that you won’t offer to go and collect/drive to the OP? You could’ve offered to go and ferry her to the OP’s house. But no, and now her kids will be sad.

Some people are so selfish. 🙄

elliebound1975 · 26/11/2019 18:16

I think they are being unreasonable. I’d ask one of them to compromise on the late finish or the early start. Explain you can’t do both as you have Christmas prep. If they won’t tell them that it just can’t be done. I find people make you do all the work because they don’t want to. You are making their Christmas and they sit back and let you. We used to do all the travelling before my son was born and then I said no more.

Episcomama · 26/11/2019 18:17

I think offering to get up at sparrows fart on Boxing Day is very kind of you. Christmas Eve for us is church then hunker down and let the magic start...I wouldn't be willing to drive up in the evening for them. Just explain that you can't make it work - it's up to them to solve it. They have a month!

Episcomama · 26/11/2019 18:17

"Dear Mum. Given that sibling is working until late on Xmas Eve and you are working early on Boxing Day morning we think its best if we do Xmas separately this year. Lets sort out a few days post Xmas when you could visit"

Perfect.

Uptheshard · 26/11/2019 18:21

Sod that. They can get a train.

Lou12124 · 26/11/2019 18:21

I would say that down to the fact sibling doesn't finish till 8pm and mum needs to be at work for 8am boxing day that youre not prepared to spend 4 hours driving over 2 days. They're more than welcome to get a train or taxi but that's the deal. Just be honest.

Heather021983 · 26/11/2019 18:22

Personally I would arrange a get together another day. For years me snd hubby went round the houses xmas day to see parents/ siblings as they all had their traditions however now having several young children who want to play with their toys I refuse to leave the house, my parents get to drunk to come see us plus have a party for their friends xmas morning which means we do xmas another day, was weird at first but I love not stressing over xmas and it makes it so much more enjoyable! If they really want to be there they will, if not arrange it for sometime else and enjoy yourself.

Pammie70 · 26/11/2019 18:27

Mega bus runs until REALLY late on Christmas Eve as my daughter was working last year and I picked her up off the coach at 2am 😳

Dustarr73 · 26/11/2019 18:30

Its 4 weeks to Christmas they have plenty of time to get themselves a Turkey

ddl1 · 26/11/2019 18:30

I think YANBU: you have young children AND the weather at that time can be unreliable - it would be no fun driving if it's snowing or even if it's pouring. If they can use public transport that could be a solution, but on Christmas Eve it's not at all sure this would be an option. I would suggest that they come a week earlier or a week later: it sounds as though their work schedules are tight, but what about a weekend? I am a non-driver myself, and I fully understand that long drives can be very difficult especially in wintertime and especially with young children in the mix: 'I need the toilet!'; 'I feel sick!' 'I'm hungry!' 'Wah! Oliver kicked me!' 'Aren't we there YET?!' You shouldn't be expected to put yourselves through all that, when it's not for a true necessity.

Loveislandaddict · 26/11/2019 18:33

sunshine - why are you guilt-trapping op? It’s not her job to fetch and ferry everyone. If op’s relatives really wanted to spend Christmas with op, they could have booked time-off, and arranged to travel earlier, like most people do. Most people don’t expect relatives with young people to taxi them on Christmas Eve.

I get what you are saying about having a house-full at Christmas, and a quieter Christmas may not be so fun, but most people give and take at Christmas (ie. host on alternate years etc), and op’s family don’t seem to subscribe to this.

Op - don’t do the taxi-ing and enjoy your Christmas.

Coldemort · 26/11/2019 18:36

None driver here. I would:
get the train
Have booked the day off

Or if I couldn't have got the day off then sucked up the taxi fair. I put money aside that would have been spent maintaining a car for one off extortionate taxi fares.

cherish123 · 26/11/2019 18:37

It certainly would not be fair to make your husband do it as it's not his sister. Say to sis it's too late. Could she not take public transport? With young children you want to enjoy Christmas Eve with them. I would give them an option, public transport or not come. Could you mum and sister not spend it together and then you meet up a few days after Christmas. It's not your fault they don't drive. They should really have made arrangements to get more time off.

MissConductUS · 26/11/2019 18:39

Two hours each way is a lot of time in the car for such a quick visit. In the space of a day and a half you'll spend eight hours in the car. Since they haven't explicitly asked I'd just leave it and see if you can work out a visit after New Year.

You are not a cow. You have other family members and your own enjoyment of the holiday to consider.

havingtochangeusernameagain · 26/11/2019 18:43

That used to be the case, i can now get from the midlands to brighton or hampshire with one change

not on Christmas Eve you can't. And the trains are unreliable and have four carriages! Good luck with that.

And that doesn't help if eg you need to get from St Albans to Woking. You either need to drive around the M25 or cross London by train.

EmperorBallpitine · 26/11/2019 18:45

I really think that people's behavior won't change unless you give them reason to. Why should they sort themselves out when they know they've got a willing slave? There's no way I would do this insane round trip. It will ruin your Christmas. They need to start thinking about managing their own lives better. My mum does not like to drive far, if she comes she uses the train, if it suits things I'll run her to the station but there have been times when she's caught the bus to the station, even. People who can hold down a job, can be adults and sort their own travel.

FrogLion · 26/11/2019 18:46

They haven't learnt to drive because you always pick up / drop off they've no need to.
Maybe they'll see the need once you ask them to make their own way.
Dh is only just learning to drive now, eldest is coming up for 8. Getting the bus at half 7 in a saturday for swimming lessons and being stuck in if I've been out the night before helps I think. Plus the threat if divorce. He didn't feel the need before because people always picked up / dropped off. He wasn't the one inconvenienced!
Good luck 🍀