To not want to drive 2 hours on Xmas Eve ?

[Foalma19]

My family (mother and sibling) usually come to us for Christmas. They live a 2 hour round trip away and neither can drive. This means each year DH and I collect them and take them back a few days later.

This year my mother has to be in work for 8am on Boxing day. I agreed to get up early and drive her back so that she could be in work on time and still stay for Christmas. I wasn't hugely thrilled at the prospect but thought I'd suck it up for the sake of family harmony.

However, now it's been announced that my sibling won't finish work on Christmas Eve until 8pm. Neither myself or DH wants to make the 2 hour round trip (plus however long stuck in traffic on the motorway) at that hour on Christmas Eve.

Are we being unreasonable to leave them to have Christmas by themselves?

By way of explanation we have young children so Christmas Eve is pretty busy once they are in bed sorting gifts etc. Going to them is not an option, hence why we always collect them and take them back. I don't know if they could get a train that late and it would take several hours so I don't think they'd be keen. As non-drivers I don't think they really appreciate that a 2 hour round trip can be a pita for us.

So what's the verdict?

"This would all be solved if my sibling did drive as they could come and go when they please. We have the conversation every year but I can't force someone to learn to drive when they can't be bothered."

"Neither of them have actually asked us to collect them. They are saying 'oh it's a shame we won't be able to come because of our working hours this year'. But it's very much being said with the weight of expectation that we will say 'Not to worry we will still collect you'. "

"To explain a bit more about the dynamic. It's always my job to solve my mothers problems and my sibling, although a grown adult, is still treated like a child."

(my boldings)

Well, it looks like this year is the year to break the cycle. Your first quote ('every year') struck me, as it seems your family are quite content to be run after and expect you to make everything convenient for them. They know they're causing you work, but their convenience is more important than your effort. (Well, it is to them.)

I would just nod along when they say they won't be able to come. Maybe make a few sympathetic noises. No offers of collection! Just agree it's a shame, but hey, that's life. Because you do know, really, that your mother needs to be in charge of her own life and stop delegating the tricky bits to you. To beblunt - you are the mother of small children who need you, not a grown-ass adult who should get their finger out.

So no, YANBU, or mean, or uncaring, or whatever else you might scold yourself with, to let your mother and sibling have Christmas at their own gaff. You have enough on your plate and deserve to have a nice Christmas too.

If you don't want to do it, don't. If they want to be with you, then the onus is on them to sort it out.

I wouldn’t drag an adult out late Christmas Eve when they have little kids at home for my convenience. They are breathtakingly rude to expect you to even consider that idea.

I think they need to make the effort to come to you - nothing stopping DM coming earlier or day before or the sibling later.

Let them cook their own dinner

I definitely wouldn't do it and would never expect anyone to do it for me either.
If central London is halfway, there must be a way they can get to yours from London? You can get anywhere from London on the train!

Don’t do it. It’s too much

Why the fuck would they expect you to pay for a taxi? That's insane.

They've said it's a shame they are working so all you have to do is say yes it is a shame and job done. Don't feel guilty, it's your Christmas too and Christmas Eve is a very special time, especially with children. Far too special to be driving around for hours.

Next time they say Oh What A Pity, you should say. Yes, sorry I cant promise to do both runs. It's too much for me. If theres no way you can make it for the day will we try and do something nice together a few days later?
Straightforward but not confrontational.

All the Nope.

I'm guessing you'd be doing the cooking & general hosting too? It's going to be crap for everyone.

You pile back to yours, crotchety from the drive late Xmas Eve. Xmas Day. Then another late drive.

I can't see it being much fun for your mum or sibling, either!

Start a new tradition of doing NYE instead if the Xmas shifts are against them?

But definitely cut this one off now.

No... and this might incentivise your sibling to actually learn to drive when they actually realise you aren’t a taxi service

There will be some tubes and trains etc in and out of central London won’t there on Xmas eve??? Can’t they get a taxi a small distance to catch a train into London, catch another as far out towards you as they can and then you collect them from there?? Where are they and where are you?

Am I the only one who thinks they don’t actually want to come?

They’ve told you they are working really late/early. I can’t believe do eone would do a shift finish at 8pm, go home, get all the stuff ready to load in the car and then go d an hours drive away. It’d be 10ish.
Just for a day off at someone else’s, before going to bed early so you can get up at 6am ready for an hours drive back and work at 8.

They are trying to be polite.

Agree with the pp - the tubes will run (albeit reduced service) til close to midnight. Can they travel to somewhere nearish to you so you only have a short hop to pick them up or they have a short ish cab ride?

Ignore everyone still suggesting you bend over backwards or delay Christmas to be with them just chill at home with your little family and maybe this will motivate them to learn to drive

7 pages on this thread, wow. Yet no one has suggested that you celebrate Xmas with your nuclear family and then spend New Year celebrating it with the others. Lot cooler and less pressure.

This is what we have done for decades now. Works a treat! (And we can go away for Christmas if we choose, which we usually do.)

Yet no one has suggested that you celebrate Xmas with your nuclear family and then spend New Year celebrating it with the others.

I did!

So for them to come to stay with you for just over 24 hours, you're going to spend 4 hours in the car?

If they were staying longer, I'd make the effort but not for a day.

Yanbu but I would. I'd go after the kids went to sleep excited because I was going to get my family but I don't see mine more than once a month if even. If you can't bear the thought of it its fair enough, the only thing I'd say is you said your sister would solve all this by learning to drive. If I didn't need to drive I totally wouldn't. It's a life choice and if you live in a city and have no kids you don't need to drive

When I worked those hours in retail as a student, I would rather spend Christmas Day with my friends/flat mates instead of my family. No point going down for just one day, especially as I don’t get along with my family so I would have just wasted my money for rude comments/awkwardness.

Why can’t they celebrate Christmas together if they live near each other? Seems to suit their schedule better. They obviously rely on you because they’re used to you chauffeuring them, might be time to stop giving them lifts to stop this behaviour.

A 2 hour round trip doesn’t sound that bad but I can see why it’s annoying if you’re expected to do it & as you’re the host and have other things to arrange etc. Just let them know in advance.

Just in case PPs are still questioning OP about travel arrangements.

Huge numbers of people have to cross train as a PP said above - there's little west/east rail transport. So if you live in Suffolk and want to go to Oxford you'd have to go via London. If you want to go from Suffolk to Kent ditto. There are some interesting lines (Salisbury to Brighton for instance)

However South west rail (Dorset, Hampshire, Somerset,etc ) is currently planning to strike during December.

Only taxis are available to cross London on Christmas Day. Christmas Eve tubes will be limited. Uber is now banned until they appeal.

I agree the OP should just say it clearly doesn't work for her DM or DSis or for her and her family this year. I know DM and Dsis work in retail which is hugely hard to coordinate but perhaps they could try if they want to next year to make it easier?

@theEnglishInPatient, you know what, I'm sorry, must have missed it seriously did think I had read all posts, although tons are samey.

Dead right anyway. I love driving but would never dream of ferrying people around like this and then being expected to pay for it as well.

Married to my French ex, used to spend one of xmas/New Year with Dad in the uk (2 hour drive away, had to take the ffing cat with us too who spent the whole journey shitting, spitting, scratching, meowing, growling, had to wrap him in a towel and hold on to him like grim death) then spent the other holiday at the ex-'s home in France, whole days drive including the ferry. Frigging nightmare. Did it by train once with a British Christmas cake in a backpack. Can't believe we actually did it for 7 years. Still at least no cat!

"Christmas duty" What original sin caused this to happen to so many of us???!!!! Christmas creates so much pressure on people. Have heard that a frightening number of couples split up over it.

When I worked in retail (Arcadia group) we were given the choice of working Christmas Eve/Boxing Day week or NYE week rather than both.

If someone was desperate for Christmas Eve off to travel home, they wouldn’t need to book holiday as they could alternatively just be given the day off, given an earlier/shorter shift or permission to swap with someone else. However working shifts on any of those 3 days gave us double pay so most colleagues actually wanted those shifts!

Basically I’m trying to say that they may have had more leeway than you think with their shifts but probably decided to work them anyway as they knew they could rely on you to ferry them around regardless.

Whereas if they didn’t rely on you, they would have probably considered their shifts a bit more to add time for travel via train.

Thank you crosstalk!!!!! I was getting a bit bewildered by the amount of people not understanding why public transport isn’t an option. There are no trains from where they live after 8pm anyway so it’s irrelevant.

They may be being polite but I’ve had comments about missing the kids etc which I have taken as attempted guilt trips. It would much easier if they were just straight up with me.

Anyway I’m going to leave it as it is. They will spend Christmas Day together, and I will be none with DH and the kids. Unfortunately we can’t meet up later as they will both be working extra hours for the January Sales, and I’m back at work myself. We will see them at some point in January though.

Thanks for all of the replies!

Excellent decision, and the only sensible one, Foalma.

Just a word of caution - I suspect they are fully expecting you to cave and offer to ferry them around after all, and once they twig you’re not doing it this year, it could get tricky. Be prepared for guilt tripping and other manipulative tactics. I’m not saying it definitely will happen, but it may well. And forewarned is forearmed.

You mention the FOG effect so you know how it can get. Pop over to the Stately Homes thread if you need to; people there will get it and will be dealing with their own Christmas FOG.

Changing a dynamic that’s been in place for a long time is rarely straightforward. But you are absolutely in the right to change this one. Just... be prepared.

Wishing you a peaceful and merry Christmas!!

Of course they will miss the kids & you on Christmas Day , but you can FaceTime the children opening their presents and still share some of the day .