Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to drive 2 hours on Xmas Eve ?

255 replies

Foalma19 · 25/11/2019 14:11

My family (mother and sibling) usually come to us for Christmas. They live a 2 hour round trip away and neither can drive. This means each year DH and I collect them and take them back a few days later.

This year my mother has to be in work for 8am on Boxing day. I agreed to get up early and drive her back so that she could be in work on time and still stay for Christmas. I wasn't hugely thrilled at the prospect but thought I'd suck it up for the sake of family harmony.

However, now it's been announced that my sibling won't finish work on Christmas Eve until 8pm. Neither myself or DH wants to make the 2 hour round trip (plus however long stuck in traffic on the motorway) at that hour on Christmas Eve.

Are we being unreasonable to leave them to have Christmas by themselves?

By way of explanation we have young children so Christmas Eve is pretty busy once they are in bed sorting gifts etc. Going to them is not an option, hence why we always collect them and take them back. I don't know if they could get a train that late and it would take several hours so I don't think they'd be keen. As non-drivers I don't think they really appreciate that a 2 hour round trip can be a pita for us.

So what's the verdict?

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 26/11/2019 19:57

I'd ask them if they could leave you a key to their house. Other than it being late there's no reason they should come to you over you going to them, especially if they don't drive.

If they can't accommodate you earlier I'd say sorry but you can't come.

What are you talking about? Have you read the whole thread?

Angelil · 26/11/2019 20:10

They CBA to learn to drive because you keep enabling them...

NitNat78 · 26/11/2019 21:13

I live a similar distance from my sibling and don't drive, have to do train into London and then another 2. If it was me as the working sibling I would make my way on public transport after work regardless of time and leave all my stuff with mum so if you picked her up at a reasonable time all I have with me is my handbag. It's too much Xmas Eve for you as well as you hosting and cooking the next day.

ddl1 · 26/11/2019 21:18

'They CBA to learn to drive because you keep enabling them...'

That is not fair either on the OP or (probably) on her relatives. There are many reasons why people cannot drive, including a wide variety of permanent or temporary health problems or disabilities, and it can be quite cruel to treat it as just 'CBA'. It can also be quite cruel to accuse others of 'enabling': it is not the OP's job to force her relatives to learn to drive, any more than it's her job to automatically drive 4 hours at Christmas. These relatives appear able to get to and from work perfectly well without driving or the OP driving for hours to ferry them about!

The real problem seems to be the totally unreasonable expectation that the relatives (and too many people in general) have that they MUST have family time ON Christmas Day itself, whatever the difficulties it causes everyone. This may be justifiable in cases where it's the only time that people have off work; but it seems here to clash with the relatives' work commitments. I would strongly advise that - if they really can't alter their work schedule to fit in with their Christmas plans - they choose a weekend to come, before or after Christmas, when trains will be running and presumably there will be some possibility of travelling by public transport (perhaps with an initial taxi to the nearest suitable station - expensive perhaps, but a long drive is also expensive!) They could Skype or Facetime on Christmas Day, and meet in person on another day I think that, if children are not taught by parents that everything MUST be on Christmas Day itself, they often gain greater enjoyment, with less stress and negative over-excitement and subsequent let-down, from having things spread out a bit.

HuggedTrees · 26/11/2019 21:24

Well done for breaking the FOG. Of course you shouldn’t leave your young kids on Christmas Eve, it’s totally magical!

madisoncat · 26/11/2019 22:23

This may not help but in situations like this I always ask myself these questions.

"What would they DO? What would Happen If I/OH was too ill to get out of bed ?" Or if the kids were very ill and we were run off our feet looking after them? Or if we had Novo Virus in the household ?

Therefore if I/OH couldn't Do/Go/Fetch/Bring ??? What would they do, what would happen.

And how guilty would I feel if "what was expected of us didn't happen?

Hope you resolve things but for me I'd give this year a miss as I would NOT be leaving my kids on Christmas Eve to drive for that amount of time.

May be your Mum and sibling didn't have a choice about the times they work but once they knew what they were required to work may be they could have given a thought to what they were expecting from you.

They are both adults ( I understand that they look to you to be the Parent in some of their life situations ) but they are adults and your do say you have Children at home.

Can your Mum/sibling cope without you ? Can your kinds? Who do your own the greater care and responsibility too? The adults in your birth family? or the children that you birthed ?

You do seem like a really good person trying to take care of every family member but this year your mum and siblings work patten isn't making that easy if it's even possible.

How bad would it be with one finishing late on Christmas Eve and one starting early on Boxing Day that your mum and sibling get together and have a Christmas Day in a way that doesn't stress you out or leaving you/your DH having to leave your family.

TommyJoesMummy · 26/11/2019 22:41

OP, why doesn’t your mum come early as she is working and leaving early Boxing Day? And your sister stay later as she would come up last thing Christmas Eve?
So, your mum arrives on the 23rd-26th, and your sister does 24th-28th?
Why wouldn’t they come separately (it’s not like they’re sharing a car) and spend the time they’re individually off with you and your family?

Runnerduck34 · 26/11/2019 23:20

I feel sorry for everyone concerned, I doubt mum and sister want to work late xmas eve and early boxing day, I expect this has been imposed on them by their employer-I suspect retail jobs!
So its rubbish for them and rubbish for you having to do the pick ups. Can they get a train half way to reduce your travel time ? Or, clutching at straws, are they able to swap shifts?

GreenTulips · 26/11/2019 23:44

OP said it’s retail
OP explained there’s no trains
They can’t swap

The OP was asking how she deals with the guilt. Otherwise she’d have resolved the issue.

DreamTheMoors · 27/11/2019 00:29

Time for Mother and Sibling to grow up & take care of themselves.

Could you split it 50/50? They get themselves to your home & you take them home?

I’ve been down this road - if you don’t change, the situation will remain the same forever and you’ll begin to hate them.

ddl1 · 27/11/2019 01:40

I now realize that this would mean the OP leaving her children at home for a significant amount of time, not driving them around. That makes it even more impractical: children want their parents around at Christmas. I think you just all have to accept that either they get their work schedule changed, or they come at a different time.

babybrain86 · 27/11/2019 05:00

Ahh Op your family sound awfully similar to mine! I'm also the only driver and expected to run around picking up / dropping off and they don't take into consideration that it means I can't enjoy my Christmas as much!
DB's gf is flying in for Christmas this year and he has asked me to pick her up from the airport (and take her back again) airport is a 2hour round trip (that's without rush hour to factor in) her flight gets in very early and it would mean getting my 2 yr old & 3 month old up & out at 6am, he was very miffed when I said no. Suggest a family Christmas on a different date that suits everyone and enjoy Christmas eve with your little ones, there are so precious few years where they still 'believe and it is magical!

fedup21 · 27/11/2019 07:07

I think you just all have to accept that either they get their work schedule changed, or they come at a different time.

I think that’s what the OP decided to do days ago.

ShippingNews · 27/11/2019 07:10

My mother has just never learned to drive and my sibling just doesn't seem bothered either

It's time they both learned to drive. And it's time for you to spend quality time with your DC instead of sitting in traffic. Go for it !

endlessstrife · 27/11/2019 08:04

I think it’s time they learnt to drive!

Mamabear1988 · 27/11/2019 08:06

I wouldn't do that either. Maybe it's a little selfish but Christmas is all about my little family.

MachineBee · 27/11/2019 08:14

@Foalma19 - your Xmas present dilemma is sorted for your mum and sister... Driving lessons!!!! 😂

(You can post the vouchers too!)

bumblingbovine49 · 27/11/2019 08:17

Neither of them have actually asked us to collect them. They are saying 'oh it's a shame we won't be able to come because of our working hours this year'. But it's very much being said with the weight of expectation that we will say 'Not to worry we will still collect you'.

Well until this I was thinking they were being unreasonable. They have given you the perfect out but you feel guilty so are blaming them . What else can they say. I know the fact they can't drive is irritating to you ( would be to me too) but that can't be changed (in time for Christmas anyway ). They haven't asked you to do this.

Don't go on Christmas eve, I wouldn't, and enjoy your Christmas. If your sister really wants to come she will.sort something out.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/11/2019 08:26

I don’t think I’d agree to drive 7-9pm on Christmas Eve and 7-9am Boxing Day. Say it’s a shame and hope it works out better next year. Unless their company is vital to your children’s enjoyment, I expect your children would prefer you’re at home.

wafflyversatile · 27/11/2019 08:33

Agree with everyone saying just agree with them that they can't come, what a shame, isn't retail a pain, never mind.

ddl1 · 27/11/2019 10:38

'Neither of them have actually asked us to collect them. They are saying 'oh it's a shame we won't be able to come because of our working hours this year'. But it's very much being said with the weight of expectation that we will say 'Not to worry we will still collect you'.'

Are you sure that you're not interpreting this in the light of your own expectations of yourself? You should just take their word for it! I wouldn't be surprised if you are assuming that they really expect you to collect them, and they are assuming that you are offended at their not coming! Everybody should just accept that you can't always get the picture-perfect Christmas every time; and that, while it might be nice if Father Christmas could transport everyone in his sleigh pulled by Rudolph, it's not going to happen! What if your relatives lived abroad?

Wilberforce1 · 27/11/2019 11:04

Are you Kent and Essex?! You sound just like me, my Mum and Sister don’t drive I live in Kent they both live in Essex so no direct trains. My Mum used to like us going to hers in Christmas Eve for the day so I used to take my ds, get my Sister on the way and drive an hour and 20mins to my Mums to spend the day. It was lovely and we enjoyed it but it was just getting too much with the traffic etc and then there was the year my ds who was 4 slept for 2.5 hours while we were stuck in traffic going home and was awake until 11.30 that night and then was a tired miserable mess on Christmas day! After that we said no more on Christmas Eve and now I will drive to visit with the kids once they break up from school and I see them then. Just don’t do it!!

Crackerofdoom · 27/11/2019 11:09

OP, I would really revisit whether it wouldn't be better for them to do Christmas day together and then you see them on another day when it works better for you.

You have a standing arrangement which is being squeezed at both ends by them (Obviously not necessarily their fault) but you can't do anything to mitigate that. But there is also nothing wrong with you saying that it doesn't work for your family and suggesting something else.

OldEvilOwl · 27/11/2019 11:21

None driver here. I would:
get the train
Have booked the day off

Retail workers will not be allowed to book any days off around Xmas as it's the busiest time

Bl3ss3dm0m · 27/11/2019 13:35

Dear OP please let us know that you have had the conversation with them, and that they are not coming to you this Christmas. I really can't stand the thought of you missing out on Christmas Eve evening (there is no way that I could have physically done that on Christmas eve when my children were young - Santa wouldn't have arrived until Christmas Day evening, and we wouldn't have been having the Dinner until Boxing Day! 😂), Christmas Day in the evening (if you like a few drinks on Christmas Day), and then Boxing Day as well! So OP, what is happening please???