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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to drive 2 hours on Xmas Eve ?

255 replies

Foalma19 · 25/11/2019 14:11

My family (mother and sibling) usually come to us for Christmas. They live a 2 hour round trip away and neither can drive. This means each year DH and I collect them and take them back a few days later.

This year my mother has to be in work for 8am on Boxing day. I agreed to get up early and drive her back so that she could be in work on time and still stay for Christmas. I wasn't hugely thrilled at the prospect but thought I'd suck it up for the sake of family harmony.

However, now it's been announced that my sibling won't finish work on Christmas Eve until 8pm. Neither myself or DH wants to make the 2 hour round trip (plus however long stuck in traffic on the motorway) at that hour on Christmas Eve.

Are we being unreasonable to leave them to have Christmas by themselves?

By way of explanation we have young children so Christmas Eve is pretty busy once they are in bed sorting gifts etc. Going to them is not an option, hence why we always collect them and take them back. I don't know if they could get a train that late and it would take several hours so I don't think they'd be keen. As non-drivers I don't think they really appreciate that a 2 hour round trip can be a pita for us.

So what's the verdict?

OP posts:
queenrollo · 25/11/2019 15:38

Don't forget that this is YOUR Christmas, with YOUR children and you deserve to be able to switch off, and really enjoy the time with just your little family.
Make this the year that you change the way things are done. It's only lovely to have extended family celebrating with you if it doesn't actually create a lot of stress, cost and disruption in the process.

Put your children and yourself first and have a wonderful, peaceful, non-driving Christmas.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 25/11/2019 15:38

Since they've actually said it's a shame they won't be able to come, why not just say, Yes, it is a shame, but I'm afraid the driving both ways would be too much.'
And arrange something between Christmas and NY, if possible?

FanSpamTastic · 25/11/2019 15:40

As a very last ditch attempt you could check and see if anyone is making a similar journey on liftshare? You never know there could be someone making a similar journey who could get them closer to you?

Havaina · 25/11/2019 15:43

If Central London is halfway, can’t they get a tube or bus?

IdleBet · 25/11/2019 15:44

I think this is probably a good thing in that it will break the expectation that we will run around to accommodate their schedules.

Yes, time to break the cycle. Bet your DH will be relieved aswell.

Havaina · 25/11/2019 15:45

I think this is probably a good thing in that it will break the expectation that we will run around to accommodate their schedules.

Agreed! Do they help out with meal, dishes etc?

I agree it’s a good for them to sort themselves out.

Original poster
Foalma19 · 25/11/2019 15:45

No tubes to where we live, or direct bus routes from Central London.
It would be 9.30pm at the earliest by the time they arrived into London and nothing would be running anyway.

OP posts:
nancy75 · 25/11/2019 15:51

Last Trains out of central London are usually about 10pm on xmas eve, unless you are going to Cornwall or Scotland!
Op can you give us a tough idea of travelling from & to? Going via central London probably makes it more doable by public transport than anywhere else

user1487194234 · 25/11/2019 15:51

I understand what a total pain it is,BUT honestly ,I would do it.I couldn't enjoy my Christmas day leaving my Mum and sister out.
Obviously you must do as you wish,but you are asking for opinions and that's nine

HollowTalk · 25/11/2019 15:52

I wouldn't do it. Just agree with them that it's a shame and better luck next year.

Your mum won't want to leave the house at 6.30 on Boxing Day morning, anyway.

Original poster
Foalma19 · 25/11/2019 15:57

The last train from where they live is 8pm. So it's not an option.

OP posts:
Hopefloatsaway · 25/11/2019 15:57

Neither of them have actually asked us to collect them. They are saying 'oh it's a shame we won't be able to come because of our working hours this year
So there’s no issue at all then.they are acknowledging they can’t come just agree with them '

Daddylonglegs1965 · 25/11/2019 15:57

I agree with the poster who said that maybe they don’t actually want a busy Christmas at yours this year and fancy a quiet one themselves. Enjoy the Christmas magic with your little ones OP it doesn’t last forever.
PS Disagree with previous posters they forcing sibling and mother into learning to drive you can’t bully people into learning to drive who don’t want to.

DarlingNikita · 25/11/2019 15:59

It's always my job to solve my mothers problems and my sibling, although a grown adult, is still treated like a child.

For this alone YANBU. I don't drive and I wouldn't expect people to go to that kind of trouble for me.

I am intrigued about where you all live though, that all public transport requires travel to London and then back out, and that there are no suitable tube/bus routes at all.

shiningstar2 · 25/11/2019 16:00

I know you've said a taxi will be more expensive on Christmas Eve but I would ring a couple of firms just to check. We pay for my daughter, her dh and kids to go home on Christmas night by taxi after spending the day with us. The first time we did this we thought it would be extortionate but it turned out to be no more expensive than a normal day. Now we ring a couple of firms in advance and get an agreed price in advance.

If your mother and sibling really want to come maybe ask them to pay half each. Not too bad to spend time with their family, especially as you have already offered to take them home next day. I presume you are paying for the full cost of entertaining them over Christmas so it may be doable for them. This also leaves the ball in their court regarding how much they really want to come to you.

Havaina · 25/11/2019 16:01

I’m guessing Essex! Only because I’ve never been and a friend described it as the sticks.

Havaina · 25/11/2019 16:02

(Friend lives there quite happily, not putting down Essex Grin)

Pipandmum · 25/11/2019 16:03

I'd collect your parents a couple days earlier if possible and tell your sibling they need to figure out transport for themselves. Don't see why you have to foot the bill.

Meckity1 · 25/11/2019 16:05

@user1487194234 not everyone has good family dynamics. Until I was in my thirties, the best Christmas I had was spent on a mental health ward. I was there due to the actions of my mother.

I'm not saying that this is the experience of the OP. They may have a great relationship. It just is really hard when you hear 'but you have to love Christmas' when it is a pile of very grim memories with difficult family members.

Havaina · 25/11/2019 16:05

'Neither of them have actually asked us to collect them. They are saying 'oh it's a shame we won't be able to come because of our working hours this year

So there’s no issue at all then.they are acknowledging they can’t come just agree with them '

Or they are so used to OP running around after them that they have just assumed OP worry about this.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 25/11/2019 16:06

Mum and sibling should make their own way to you or have xmas together.You are being good enough to host that should be enough,transport should be their responsibility imo.

CoolCarrie · 25/11/2019 16:07

As pp have said, just agree that it’s a shame they can’t come and leave it at that. I have a similar problem but it’s over 5 thousand miles! My mum can’t come here, and we can’t afford to go there, and dh is working all over Christmas! Don’t run yourself ragged over them, and don’t feel guilTy

FavouriteSoul · 25/11/2019 16:09

I'd go with arranging an alternative date for a get together, and agree that Christmas this year is just going to be your family.

Both my DDs are working Christmas Eve and Boxing Day and live a 2 hour drive away - they do both drive however - but we've decided we'll get together for a nice meal and exchange presents the weekend before Christmas, with them and their partners. No-one in my family wants a stone cold sober Christmas and the prospect of driving for 2 hours late Christmas evening.

userxx · 25/11/2019 16:09

It would be a no from me.

user1487194234 · 25/11/2019 16:11

Totally get that everyone's family is different.Didn't mean to downplay that,didn't think that was necessarily the case here ,if it is that is completely different