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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to drive 2 hours on Xmas Eve ?

255 replies

Foalma19 · 25/11/2019 14:11

My family (mother and sibling) usually come to us for Christmas. They live a 2 hour round trip away and neither can drive. This means each year DH and I collect them and take them back a few days later.

This year my mother has to be in work for 8am on Boxing day. I agreed to get up early and drive her back so that she could be in work on time and still stay for Christmas. I wasn't hugely thrilled at the prospect but thought I'd suck it up for the sake of family harmony.

However, now it's been announced that my sibling won't finish work on Christmas Eve until 8pm. Neither myself or DH wants to make the 2 hour round trip (plus however long stuck in traffic on the motorway) at that hour on Christmas Eve.

Are we being unreasonable to leave them to have Christmas by themselves?

By way of explanation we have young children so Christmas Eve is pretty busy once they are in bed sorting gifts etc. Going to them is not an option, hence why we always collect them and take them back. I don't know if they could get a train that late and it would take several hours so I don't think they'd be keen. As non-drivers I don't think they really appreciate that a 2 hour round trip can be a pita for us.

So what's the verdict?

OP posts:
Apolloanddaphne · 25/11/2019 15:09

They have said they won't be able to come so I would just leave it there. Work on the assumption they have made plans for themselves and act very surprised of they suggest nearer the time that you could collect them. Maybe even book something for your and the DC to go to on Christmas Eve, or invite friends round for drinks?

MotherofTerriers · 25/11/2019 15:10

To be honest I'd reply along the lines of yes it's an awful shame, is there another day when you'll both be free and we can have a festive celebration then

charm8ed · 25/11/2019 15:11

I agree with everyone else, just say it is a shame and let’s get together at some other point either before or after Xmas.

LH1987 · 25/11/2019 15:11

Not a hope would I do this. You have already offered to drive them back ridiculously early on Boxing Day. They need to make the effort to get to you. If they want to come they can take the train (or a taxi if that's a possibility!)

bluebeck · 25/11/2019 15:11

They are saying 'oh it's a shame we won't be able to come because of our working hours this year

Just agree and say you hope they have a lovely time, you will call them at X time.

NO WAY would I do that drive for one day.

JingsMahBucket · 25/11/2019 15:13

I would have them visit a few days after Xmas when they may have more time for a longer stay and exchange gifts then. You can do a video call on the day or on Xmas Eve. This will only be a year and they can make proper arrangements for next year.

Abetes · 25/11/2019 15:13

Don’t do it. Arrange a Christmas celebration get together on a different day in that period.

MereDintofPandiculation · 25/11/2019 15:14

Quite interested at the number of people who are suggesting public transport after 8pm on Christmas Eve. What parts of the UK actually have public transport at that time?

carly2803 · 25/11/2019 15:15

"Dear Mum. Given that sibling is working until late on Xmas Eve and you are working early on Boxing Day morning we think its best if we do Xmas separately this year. Lets sort out a few days post Xmas when you could visit"

this ^^^^^^^^

fuck no was my inital thought!

Dustarr73 · 25/11/2019 15:17

Plus there is 2 of them.Its not like you are leaving them alone at Christmas.

PavoReal · 25/11/2019 15:19

I will be driving about 3h 30 on Christmas Eve and set off in the evening, my DCs are in the back and it's not so bad. We're genuinely excited about seeing my family, and last time DD claimed to have "heard bells" at one point. The roads are so dead (M25 is part of my journey) it's properly eerie. I set off late so the traffic is like that, yeah it's rubbish we kind of miss out on Christmas Eve "in" but Christmas Day will make up for it.
However, your Christmas driving mission sounds properly shit. Don't do it.

BreconBeBuggered · 25/11/2019 15:20

Perhaps they're not really dropping hints or expecting lifts, but genuinely fancy a quiet one this year? If I were you, OP, I'd be deciding that this is what they actually want. It might actually be the case that they don't want an extra early start on Boxing Day, or a late drive on Christmas Eve. Don't make a martyr of everybody. At least have the Christmas you want, and if it's what your mother and sister want too, great.

Bibidy · 25/11/2019 15:20

Can you not all go to your mum's instead?

JinglingHellsBells · 25/11/2019 15:21

@Foalma19 You need to talk to your sibling sooner rather than later.
Not sure how old you mum is (not as old as me I suspect if she is not retired) or your sibling, but in time, the onus to visit your mum will be on you.

If she is in her 50s she is not too old to learn to drive.

Your sibling has no excuses and needs to learn and get a licence. Even if they can't afford to run a car, they can hire one as and when needed in future.

You need to make them both take some responsibility for not driving- it's a necessary life skill!

fedup21 · 25/11/2019 15:23

Neither of them have actually asked us to collect them. They are saying 'oh it's a shame we won't be able to come because of our working hours this year'.

Say, yes-that is a shame, I can’t leave the kids on Xmas eve, that’s the best bit! Fingers crossed for better shifts next year :(

I rather suspect your sibling and mum don’t drive because they don’t have to when they’ve got people like you around.

fishonabicycle · 25/11/2019 15:24

Tell them to get the train - Xmas Eve 8pm isn't possible for you. They need to sort themselves out.

Bibidy · 25/11/2019 15:25

Tell them to get the train - Xmas Eve 8pm isn't possible for you. They need to sort themselves out.

Even in Central London, most trains have stopped by that time really.

AdoptedBumpkin · 25/11/2019 15:26

Sounds quite reasonable not to want to do that on Christmas Eve and especially Boxing Day early morning. Would be hard to enjoy Christmas Day evening if you know you're up at silly o'clock the next day.

jessycake · 25/11/2019 15:31

Your mum has said it's a pity they won be able to come because of their shifts , and you are making yourself feel guilty .I am sure they are more disappointed about their clashing shifts than expecting you to run back and forwards . Could you not have a mini pretend Christmas Day another time when public transport is up and running or you have more time .

PlasticPatty · 25/11/2019 15:32

Agree it's a shame and arrange a day they can visit after Christmas.

Original poster
Foalma19 · 25/11/2019 15:33

I will likely be in bed by 10pm on Christmas Eve - my kids will have us up at 5am if past years are anything to go by. I don't fancy spending the whole festive season in an overtired, grumpy fog.

I'm back at work by the time they are both off work again so an alternative visit won't work. I don't want to go to them as I don't want to drag the kids out on Christmas day to sit in my mum's little flat. We did it once before and it was miserable for us all.

I think this is probably a good thing in that it will break the expectation that we will run around to accommodate their schedules.

Thanks everyone!

OP posts:
ActualHornist · 25/11/2019 15:34

They haven’t even asked you. Yes maybe they’re being passive aggressive but it gives you the perfect out to just agree that it’s a shame and you’ll see them after Boxing Day.

Don’t make a problem where there isn’t one. If questioned you can tell them they assumed they wouldn’t be bothering as it’s long train journey, if they then ask for a lift you can say it’s not possible on Xmas Eve. Too much to do.

thunderandsunshine01 · 25/11/2019 15:34

YANBU at all. However if you would like them there then I would be saying to DS that she needs to take annual leave on the Xmas eve so that they either A) Have time to take the 3 trains required, or B) You can drive up and collect in AM of Xmas Eve, so that you are not coming out of your way in the evening when it becomes in impractical for you.

If it were me I would also be saying to DM that she should be booking boxing day off too if she is expecting to have Christmas with you... You already do them a solid by ferrying them over and back, but sod doing that at the crack of dawn on boxing day! Where is the compromise on their behalf?

PotatoesPastaAndBread · 25/11/2019 15:35

Don't spend so much time worrying about it!

It's ok to do what you want!

SunniDay · 25/11/2019 15:37

They are saying “it’s a shame we won’t be able to come” - just agree and decide with them to plan a weekend at yours soon when they are free. If they stay in retail similar is going to happen every year and running around after them will affect yours and your kids xmas too much. It isn’t a one off situation.

Point out to your sibling that if they don’t learn to drive then this will keep happening. But then if they choose not to the consequences should not be all yours.

Enjoy your xmas with your own family this year.