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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was just screamed at... But maybe I need to accept it?

239 replies

Sophia878 · 25/11/2019 13:42

Hi all
Complicated one I guess. Partner has just screamed at me for about 10 mins. Whilst 6 month old is in her high chair. Tensions are fraught as his dad is terminally ill. He has had to leave work in tears today and is going to visit them 3 hours away as his dad has taken a turn for the worse.
I've been as supportive as I can be, haven't asked for anything and just been there for him. I've done all the caring for our daughter and have been making sure he had what he needs. I've offered to go with him but he says no.
Last night he was really snappy with me, obviously I just accepted it, he's going through hell. I took baby to bed to give him space and he spent the evening slamming doors and generally making me aware he's annoyed. (he snapped because I turned the channel when he was watching something even though he was watching videos on his phone and laughing).
I had plans today but he needed collecting from the train station, I went no problem and then he snapped at me again whilst we were discussing his dad. (I don't understand the situation enough and the suggestions I was making weren't good ones).
We've come home and I've taken daughter for a nap. I've stayed with her so she can sleep a little longer.
His snapping at me is a bone of contention in our relationship, he does it frequently and when I get upset he accuses me of playing the victim and that 'he's always in the wrong'. If I ever do anything I apologise but he seems to forget that and I apparantly act like I'm always in the right.
So I came downstairs after her nap and didn't say anything. He then followed me upstairs and put his arms out for a hug. I said 'look I don't want a hug right now I think we just need a little space from one another' he then screams 'well my mum has just told me my dad's been admitted to hospital and has swelling on the brain! So thanks!'
I said 'hang on I would have given you a hug if I'd known that!' then he continues screaming. Then, and this is where I know I'm in the wrong, I've said 'that was quite manipulative, why didn't you tell me that when I just downstairs?'. This really set him off and he screamed so loudly for about 10mins right by me.
I told him that I was as supportive as I could be but that everyone had a limit to how they are treated. Thing is, I've let so so so much' slide', Ive taken plenty on the chin as I know how devastated he is with his dad (he's been unwell for 3 years). I've tried so hard.
Did I deserve that? I don't even know. He's left now and I'm not sure when he's coming back from his parents. I won't message him as clearly that's not what he wants. I don't know if I've been totally unsupportive and should just accept the way I'm treated? Sorry if this is disjointed, just getting my thoughts down.

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 25/11/2019 13:47

Yes, the situation with his dad is awful and you should allow him a little leeway(?) but to be honest he sounds dreadful and borderline abusive.

How is he usually?

lizzzyyliveson · 25/11/2019 13:49

You don't deserve to be treated this way. Let him stay away and take some time to think about what you want.

churchandstate · 25/11/2019 13:49

No, you don’t deserve to be screamed at. This sounds like two separate problems. One, your partner is going through a terrible time with an imminent death in the family, and yes, he is under pressure. But two, he has a track record of speaking to you badly and now this is tipping into screaming at you.

You didn’t do anything to deserve it. The question is whether you’re going to put up with it.

Namestranger · 25/11/2019 13:49

YANBU it's awful being yelled at when you're trying to help however I did a bit of screaming when DM was dying (once to DP once to Landlord) so I can't really comment!

Butchyrestingface · 25/11/2019 13:51

I would remove myself from his presence/the room and if need be, the home, rather than let him yell at me for 10 minutes.

As for this,

I took baby to bed to give him space and he spent the evening slamming doors and generally making me aware he's annoyed.

What a tit.

Likethebattle · 25/11/2019 13:51

There is no excuse for that. I supported my DH through his dad dying of cancer, he didn’t raise his voice to me (never has).

Summercamping · 25/11/2019 13:52

You do not deserve it and it is not ok, dying dad notwithstanding. You are in a difficult situation. For now I would park it, and when the situation with his dad stabilises, have a conversation about acceptable ways to communicate anger and distress. Set your lines very clearly, because this will form the basis of what your daughter learns about how to let men treat her.

selfhelpneeded · 25/11/2019 13:53

My dad has been unwell for 3 years and now has only weeks left to live. I've also lost 2 grandparents recently.
I feel very, very sad and I am perhaps becoming depressed.
I am however going to work, looking after my 3yo and not screaming at my husband for 10 minutes!
Your husband is using this as an excuse to bully you. He sounds abusive.

StillWeRise · 25/11/2019 13:56

no, you do't have to accept that it's abusive
a stressed person might snap at their partner, once, then after a bit they'll say, look I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that
screaming at you for 10 minutes is very far from that and if he does it in front of/in earshot of your DC that will be scary for them and damaging.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/11/2019 13:56

I get giving people a little leeway in situations like these but by the sounds of it, he's like this anyway? Also, it's too much

Damntheman · 25/11/2019 13:57

I did not scream at my partner when my dad deterioriated and died within the space of five months. Not even given I had a three month old baby when my brother called to say he'd died. It's understandable that this is a stressful time for your partner, and a one off loss of control would be forgiveable. But a ten minute screaming diatribe in front of your child is so far from okay. You say he screams at you regularly anyway so this is not just because of the stress of his dad? He sounds awful. Don't accept this behaviour, don't bring your daughter up believing that she should just accept someone doing that to her because she's seen you take it every day of her life. You both deserve better.

Let your partner stay away while you enjoy some peace, and then see if he is willing to seek counselling to address his temper issues in order to save the relationship. It can be such a short step between yelling and hitting.

messolini9 · 25/11/2019 13:58

Partner has just screamed at me for about 10 mins. Whilst 6 month old is in her high chair.
Sick dad notwithstanding - there is NO 'get out of jail free card' for that, ever.

His snapping at me is a bone of contention in our relationship, he does it frequently and when I get upset he accuses me of playing the victim and that 'he's always in the wrong'.
The snapping is shit, & you shouldn;t have to put up with it. He is a goant baby who cannot regulate his own moods & behaviours. It must be exhausting & upsetting to live with.
But turning around his behaviour to suddenly be YOUR fault because you have a normal reaction to it is a classic Controller's move.

He then followed me upstairs and put his arms out for a hug. I said 'look I don't want a hug right now I think we just need a little space from one another' he then screams 'well my mum has just told me my dad's been admitted to hospital and has swelling on the brain! So thanks!'
Mmmm, manipulative AF into the bargain.

Not much advice to give you OP - but what do YOU reckon his excuse is going to be when his dad is either recovered or sadly succumbs to his illness? Do you reckon his temper will still be your fault? Do you think you will still be walking on eggshells, making sure to apologise but never receieving the same courtesy in return?

Pilotage1302 · 25/11/2019 13:59

People react to things in different ways, especially if they have never been "taught" how to deal with complex emotional situations.
Having said that, both my parents died in the past 18 months, one after cancer and the other very suddenly. I do not remember ever screaming at anybody during this time.
I would cut him some slack for now, but manage his expectations of your acceptance. Short term and if this is very unlike him OK, longer term or using this as an excuse, NOT OK.

messolini9 · 25/11/2019 14:00

OP - I am SO sorry. Horrible error in last paragraph above, I now realise FiL's illness IS terminal. That doesn't give DP any more excuse to scream at you in front of your small child though.

BuildBuildings · 25/11/2019 14:03

How were things before is dad was ill? I think when something like this is happening yiu should give him some leeway. But you're definitely doing that and his behaviour is still terrible.

MrOnionsBumperRoller · 25/11/2019 14:04

You did well not to boot his sorry backside down the stairs after all that yelling. He is an emotionally incontinent angry little man. Tell him to get help or do one.

Littletabbyocelot · 25/11/2019 14:05

I lost my dad last year after an illness of 9 months and my DH is currently going through his mums deteriorating health. We cut each other slack, I know we're both a bit more grumpy (me less so now) but there is a limit. You don't get to treat the people in your life like shit because you're grieving. And especially not as a parent. He massively crossed a line by making your home a scary environment for your baby.

Havaina · 25/11/2019 14:06

Was just screamed at... But maybe I need to accept it

No you don’t need to accept it. For your dd’s sake please leave him, he is abusive and you have been conditioned by him to accept it.

3 years of this torture? Jesus.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/11/2019 14:08

Very sad news about his Dad but this does NOT give him the right to act like this.

Him screaming at you? Bad. Him screaming at you in front of a 6-month old baby? Unforgiveable.

Suggest he stays with his Mum for the foreseeable future.

hammeringinmyhead · 25/11/2019 14:09

You don't need to accept it. Certainly not in front of your baby - she will be terrified! I think you need to decide where your leeway line is and not take any more past that.

Also if he is generally "Ooh, I'm always in the wrong" I would be tempted to snap back that yes, he is on this occasion!

NoSquirrels · 25/11/2019 14:10

Has he been like this for three years, OP?

diddl · 25/11/2019 14:10

No, there's no excuse.

Plenty of us lose a parent without screaming at our OH for ten minutes, or in front of kids.

Or if we do say something/snap we apologise straight away.

Sounds abusive & manipulative to me.

GreenEyeBlueEye · 25/11/2019 14:11

Forgive me - the situation is horrible but he sounds rather childish, selfish & extremely self centred.

Does he not think you will be upset with the situation too?

Explain to him you understand but he cannot treat you & his child like this.

Isaididont · 25/11/2019 14:11

It's sad that his dad is so unwell, but it's no excuse to treat someone else so badly. It'd be one thing if it was a one-off and he was apologetic afterwards. But it's continual and he won't admit he's in the wrong.
I have a habit of snapping and I hate it, I try really hard to change as I realise it's hurtful to my dh. In my family it was just normal to snap at the people you're close to whenever you're stressed, and i carried that habit on. But it's not right. Your dh has to realise he's hurting you and apologise, no matter what's going on in his life!
As for reaching out for a hug, why on earth would you want to hug someone who's been treating you like that?!
You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells for 3 years like this. It's not acceptable.

123bananas · 25/11/2019 14:11

When people are in pain and emotionally distraught they can react irrationally. It sounds like having some space would be a good idea. Let him go to see his Dad and then when he comes back tell him in no uncertain terms calmly that you will not accept being shouted at and that you are not his emotional punch bag. He has form from what you have said. He has a choice, it stops or he leaves the home.