Was just screamed at... But maybe I need to accept it?

[Sophia878]

Hi all
Complicated one I guess. Partner has just screamed at me for about 10 mins. Whilst 6 month old is in her high chair. Tensions are fraught as his dad is terminally ill. He has had to leave work in tears today and is going to visit them 3 hours away as his dad has taken a turn for the worse.
I've been as supportive as I can be, haven't asked for anything and just been there for him. I've done all the caring for our daughter and have been making sure he had what he needs. I've offered to go with him but he says no.
Last night he was really snappy with me, obviously I just accepted it, he's going through hell. I took baby to bed to give him space and he spent the evening slamming doors and generally making me aware he's annoyed. (he snapped because I turned the channel when he was watching something even though he was watching videos on his phone and laughing).
I had plans today but he needed collecting from the train station, I went no problem and then he snapped at me again whilst we were discussing his dad. (I don't understand the situation enough and the suggestions I was making weren't good ones).
We've come home and I've taken daughter for a nap. I've stayed with her so she can sleep a little longer.
His snapping at me is a bone of contention in our relationship, he does it frequently and when I get upset he accuses me of playing the victim and that 'he's always in the wrong'. If I ever do anything I apologise but he seems to forget that and I apparantly act like I'm always in the right.
So I came downstairs after her nap and didn't say anything. He then followed me upstairs and put his arms out for a hug. I said 'look I don't want a hug right now I think we just need a little space from one another' he then screams 'well my mum has just told me my dad's been admitted to hospital and has swelling on the brain! So thanks!'
I said 'hang on I would have given you a hug if I'd known that!' then he continues screaming. Then, and this is where I know I'm in the wrong, I've said 'that was quite manipulative, why didn't you tell me that when I just downstairs?'. This really set him off and he screamed so loudly for about 10mins right by me.
I told him that I was as supportive as I could be but that everyone had a limit to how they are treated. Thing is, I've let so so so much' slide', Ive taken plenty on the chin as I know how devastated he is with his dad (he's been unwell for 3 years). I've tried so hard.
Did I deserve that? I don't even know. He's left now and I'm not sure when he's coming back from his parents. I won't message him as clearly that's not what he wants. I don't know if I've been totally unsupportive and should just accept the way I'm treated? Sorry if this is disjointed, just getting my thoughts down.

No that's not abusive.
My (abusive) XP used to apologiese and then expect that I would do something for him - to show I had accepted the apology!!! Crazy!

Sophia878
I am sorry for what you are going through and I'm sorry his dad is so ill; however, his dad being ill doesn't excuse his abusive behaviour toward you.
Hanging up on you because you didn't say "I love you" back ?? WTF ??
I'm really sorry for you and your dd as he is nasty, abusive and cares not a jot for you or dd..
I've lost both parents, my H has lost both parents (his mum was terminal cancer and we nursed her until the end); this year we've lost very close friends and not once did either of us scream or shout at the other.
You are with an awful excuse for a man and he won't change.
Take control and protect your child from years of the same.

He needs to stay with his mum.

His better off there and you and your daughter need a break from his shit

This is so horrible and I am furious on your behalf. Do not let him treat you as an emotional punch bag because he doesn't know how to deal with his feelings over his Dad. Unfortunately plenty of people go through this, they do NOT all abuse their partners as a coping mechanism, it isn't acceptable and he doesn't have a get out from treating you horribly because of this. How dare he treat you this way in front of your child, do not allow her to grow up thinking this is something that anyone has to just accept under any circumstances. It's not, it's really not. He is absolutely pathetic, and so what if he says you didn't support him, you know the truth and he knows the truth. He is an abuser, you are afraid of giving him any ammunition in this story in his head that you haven't supported him because you know that it is the excuse he will use to continue abusing you once his Dad has died and he can't use his stress about the illness as an excuse any more. This is what abusers do, they find a narrative and they force you to make your life smaller and smaller as you try to remove the things they tell you that you are doing that causes it until your life is so small you are barely breathing. I'm sorry if that sounds dramatic, but look at your life and ask yourself if you think it is true and if that is the life you want for yourself and your daughter. Then ask yourself what would need to change to fix it. Full recognition that he was wrong and treated you badly, and that it wasn't acceptable or your fault and an apology. Do you think you will get that? And if you don't can you live with it? You shouldn't have to. Good luck my friend

He screamed right at you for 10 mins - I doubt he screamed at you for 10 mins. That's a lot of screaming & surely his throat would be sore/damaged.

In the early days of our relationship my DH also screamed and shouted at me and melted down for 10-20 minutes at a time over minor things. Quite easily. Because he was used to it (his DB even warned me about it when we got married). Thankfully for me it happened just the once because I am stronger than him and so manhandled him out of the house and locked him out until he calmed down. Then I told him if he ever did that again it was over, reminding him he doesn’t behave like an out of control animal when he disagrees with his boss.

He found ‘strategies’ to cope quite quickly after that which suggests screaming at his family was a conscious choice.

If it was just during the time his dad was ill than I'd accept it, we all react to stress differently.

But it isn't, he had form for doing this previously. .........you deserve better than being some blokes verbal punch bag.

Its unacceptable that you be treated like this ever he needs to pull himself together and realise grown ups dont act like this

Mmm..

It is acceptable to behave like a total nob...

I must have forgotten to put my stopwatch on when the screaming started, perhaps it was 6 minutes and 30 seconds. It was long enough for me to prepare my daughters lunch and then he walked away and proceeded to scream from upstairs and slam doors. Hope that clarifies it for you.

Oh ffs... posted too soon..

It is acceptable to behave like a total nob...

In the middle of an acute, on going scary as fuck situation where you are mid mega panic and don't know which way is up.. ie, bombs are dropping, your car is skidding off the road with a tanker up your boot, someones bleeding to death in front of you, you are pushing a baby out of your foof RIGHT NOW...

That sort of thing.

As long as you apologise afterwards.

This situation, lifes quite shit and upsetting... then being a bit moody, being miserable, generally struggling.. ok.. yeah, that happens.

Intentionally taking that out on the person or persons closest to you AND expecting them to take this crap over and over and over...

No, not acceptable, not ever acceptable.

He is being a thundercunt and if he does not or will not recognise that and stop it, I think you should seriously consider LTB.

i'd be cutting the poor guy a bit of slack if it isn't his usual behavior, grief hits people in many ways as does dealing with end of life illness - is he having any counseling support?

I just got the rage reading your op - he sounds like an absolute dick tbh and you so7nd like you are enabling his childish and manipulative behaviour by tip-toeing around him.
The fact his dad is ill does NOT give him the right to treat you this way - it sounds like he’s using it as an excuse to be horrible. My dh would never act like that, ill dad or not - and he’s far from perfect!

i'd be cutting the poor guy a bit of slack if it isn't his usual behavior, grief hits people in many ways as does dealing with end of life illness - is he having any counseling support?

gawd love him.. hang on I'll ask OP

I definitely don't mean to enable his behaviour. I frequently call him out on the way he is. But I always get called 'a victim' and then he gets all self depricating and says 'oh Yeh I'm a bastard and a prick etc.' which then just makes me feel bad. I know I should be stronger. I just feel that with looking after our 6month old I haven't got the energy to be fighting fires with him all of the time. I'm also trying to be supportive in such a crap situation. It's all too much sometimes. My parents live an hour away but I'm going to stay there from tomorrow I think.
I want to support him because he's going through hell but I need to protect my daughter and myself too.
I wish I wasn't so weak but I think I feel a bit flattened by all of the times he's been this way before.

i'd be cutting the poor guy a bit of slack if it isn't his usual behavior,

It is his usual behaviour. OP said it has been an ongoing problem.

OP, he won't seek help, he doesn't believe he's in the wrong. He believes it's all your fault, so it's not him who needs help.

Save yourself the time and grief, and just end it now. Don't use the excuse that his dad is dying as a reason not to end it now, you've put up with more than enough, and if he hadn't behaved the way he has, you wouldn't have to leave him. This is all on him. He doesn't deserve any more leeway or consideration.

OP.. he is not the first person to endure the illness and the loss of a Parent... we've all been there, or are yet to be there, but it's a road we will all walk..

you cannot excuse the way he is treating you... as okay because his Father in very ill... absolutely not..

I do hope you go to your Parents

THat wasn’t an apology, that was a request for an apology from you!

I’m no saint, I can be as snappy as fuck when I’m stressed, but that’s entirely different than screaming at someone for 10 minutes....and he’s manipulating you about the hug.

I’m very sorry to hear about his DAd and I’ve no doubt it’s stressing & upsetting him, but it’s sounds ive he was a bloody nightmare before this.

Now isn’t the time, but you do need to look at moving out with DD, she does deserve a better childhood than this

Grumpy like your partner my dp also felt the need to react to every event by putting on a big show. Nothing could ever be 'oh well, these things happen'............in his defence it was very clear he was a product of his upbringing.

Id let little bits slide until one day we'd gone out for the day and forgot to pack something , he started ranting and arm waving (( like it would make said item fall from the sky )) I said I was going to the loo but in fact I'd gone off to meet some friends who could behave like adults...........I finally conceded to speak to him a few days later and let him know how embarrassing and ridiculous he looked in public. And I wouldn't be seen out with someone like that.

I did give him a second chance but. If I hadn't known his history I certainly wouldn't have ........25 years on he seems to have dropped that particular trait the day I told him he was a giant prick so worked out in my case but absolutely no way would I have put up with repeat performances year after year.

Sorry to say you’re enabling him op - that was maybe a bit harsh and it’s not easy when you have a young daughter - I get you’re probably trying to keep the peace.
I hope you find a resolution soon

Then, and this is where I know I'm in the wrong, I've said 'that was quite manipulative, why didn't you tell me that when I just downstairs?'.

You weren't wrong. You have mentioned this has been happening longer than his Dad being sick so it isn't grief. It's emotional verbal and psychological abuse

He will turn around and say I was unsupportive when his dad was dying.

OK, and? If it wasn't that it would be something else. He's a bully setting you up to fail all the time. I've no doubt he is under stress but he is venting it all on you and also doesn't seem to care less about the environment his 6 month old is living in. His sick father is separate from your relationship. Stop letting him use you as a punching bag every time he gets some bad news.

Ideally you should leave now before your dd starts taking in information about what men will expect from her in life.

He is using his sick father as a stick to beat you with. If his dad is terminal you will have this all through the illnesss then the death and funeral and then the months afterwards through his grief. Why would you put up with that and subject your daughter to it.

If you want to be nice about it and you think it is because of the stress of his father then you could say you are not in a position to offer the support he needs and that perhaps he should move in with his parents to be with his dad and help his mum.

If you don't care about being nice then just run like fuck and don't look back

No excuse for his behaviour. At all. You have been supportive. He may be angry and worried and scared but he is not a child. He is grown up and has a responsibility to you and your child to respect you and trat you well. Sure he can and should lean in you but that does not give him any right to abuse you. My husband died suddenly when my kids were small and though it was really difficult I tried to keep on an even keel for their sake.
If this is an escalation of how he is with you in normal times you need to evaluate the future of your relationship.

OP, I've read your updates. Sorry you're going through this. It's very unfair on both you and your DD. It is abuse and it isn't good for the child to witness this.

What would you like to happen? I don't think he's going to stop this behaviour. If you want some space from him / or to leave, don't feel you can't because his father is very ill. It's not good timing but it's your partner who is behaving in an awful way towards you (in the presence of your child), and it's nothing new. How much of this are you willing to take and forgive.

He should not snap and scream at you.
But, you have a habit of giving him the silent treatment and being cold.

Both are just as harmful. I know he started it first, if you are in a vicious cycle that you both need to break or the relationship will die.

May I suggest counselling for you? The stress of the situation is bringing out the worst in him and not the best in you. Three years is a long time to live with a pending death and it has worn you both down.