Was just screamed at... But maybe I need to accept it?

[Sophia878]

Hi all
Complicated one I guess. Partner has just screamed at me for about 10 mins. Whilst 6 month old is in her high chair. Tensions are fraught as his dad is terminally ill. He has had to leave work in tears today and is going to visit them 3 hours away as his dad has taken a turn for the worse.
I've been as supportive as I can be, haven't asked for anything and just been there for him. I've done all the caring for our daughter and have been making sure he had what he needs. I've offered to go with him but he says no.
Last night he was really snappy with me, obviously I just accepted it, he's going through hell. I took baby to bed to give him space and he spent the evening slamming doors and generally making me aware he's annoyed. (he snapped because I turned the channel when he was watching something even though he was watching videos on his phone and laughing).
I had plans today but he needed collecting from the train station, I went no problem and then he snapped at me again whilst we were discussing his dad. (I don't understand the situation enough and the suggestions I was making weren't good ones).
We've come home and I've taken daughter for a nap. I've stayed with her so she can sleep a little longer.
His snapping at me is a bone of contention in our relationship, he does it frequently and when I get upset he accuses me of playing the victim and that 'he's always in the wrong'. If I ever do anything I apologise but he seems to forget that and I apparantly act like I'm always in the right.
So I came downstairs after her nap and didn't say anything. He then followed me upstairs and put his arms out for a hug. I said 'look I don't want a hug right now I think we just need a little space from one another' he then screams 'well my mum has just told me my dad's been admitted to hospital and has swelling on the brain! So thanks!'
I said 'hang on I would have given you a hug if I'd known that!' then he continues screaming. Then, and this is where I know I'm in the wrong, I've said 'that was quite manipulative, why didn't you tell me that when I just downstairs?'. This really set him off and he screamed so loudly for about 10mins right by me.
I told him that I was as supportive as I could be but that everyone had a limit to how they are treated. Thing is, I've let so so so much' slide', Ive taken plenty on the chin as I know how devastated he is with his dad (he's been unwell for 3 years). I've tried so hard.
Did I deserve that? I don't even know. He's left now and I'm not sure when he's coming back from his parents. I won't message him as clearly that's not what he wants. I don't know if I've been totally unsupportive and should just accept the way I'm treated? Sorry if this is disjointed, just getting my thoughts down.

Couples counselling. I meant you as in both of you. He probably needs grief counselling for just him too.

I don't give him the silent treatment. When he apologises I always speak to him, but today I didn't exactly feel like saying 'I love you too', I said 'I hope you're OK and that your dad is too'.

Op this is abuse and it’s so hard to see when you are in the midst of it all. Your dh is acting same way my ex did. I was always treading on eggshells and felt I was the one who needed to apologise after each argument he made me feel it was always my fault. My ex didn’t like it when I started standing up to him, hence now my ex but I’m so glad I did as I too didn’t want my dd growing up thinking this was normal behaviour.
You need to have a serious conversation with him and let him know his behaviour is unacceptable.

It's hell and it's unfair and he's hurt and angry at the world and directing it at YOU because you're there. I did this to my ex when I was going through a bad illness myself, and my anxiety was through the roof. I couldn't help it. What I needed was professional help - that's what your DH needs.

I also think it's not just his dad. I could be completely wrong, just going on his behaviour & comparing it to my previous. I think there are other things in his life that aren't going his way/as well as he thinks they should, and this is bringing everything to forefront all raw and red and misty.

It's a tricky one because he WANTS a fight. He wants a big old barny and it's not healthy for anyone. I'd be doing what you're doing and trying to give him space - but most importantly insisting he goes to the doctor about his situation. He can't handle it.

That’s what I mean by silent treatment. You do not talk to him or text him or show any affection until he apologises first for any argument you two may have.
I’m not blaming you, it’s a defence mechanism to his angry outbursts. You need to feel safe and the apology is like an all clear. Unfortunately, it doesn’t really work and sets a vicious cycle in motion of him thinking he’s punished until he apologises and then clean slate. This then makes him think he can have another outburst and you’ll be accepting as soon as he apologises.
The slate cannot be cleaned every time. You need counselling to get him to stop the outbursts from even happening.

I see what you mean.thank you

@PlanDeRaccordment

But, you have a habit of giving him the silent treatment and being cold.

Fuck me that’s terrible victim blaming! He screamed at OP for 10 minutes, she is conditioned into texting him after this screaming abuse and asking if he is ok, and you accuse OP of being cold and giving silent treatment? Fuck me.

You get treated how you allow people to treat you, and your husband needs firm boundaries on what is acceptable, when he says he is a bastard then I'd just agree with him and continue what you were doing. He sounds manipulative and immature.
As an aside, one of my earlier memories is of my dad banging something on the kitchen worktop and shouting at my mother before storming out and her crying. I can still feel the fear of that moment, and I would have just been a baby at the time. Your daughter does deserve better. I hope things work out for you.

I lost my dad recently really suddenly.

It is hell, but there’s no excuse for his behaviour.

You get treated how you allow people to treat you, and your husband needs firm boundaries on what is acceptable

Victim blaming and arrant nonsense about the power that a victim has to change the behaviour of an abuser.

Joint counselling is never recommended in an abusive relationship. OP please do go to your parents tomorrow. He is an abusive manipulative arsehole and only once you have headspace and time apart will the fog start to clear and you see it for what it really is.

No more guilt or people pleasing. Go to parents and block him for a few days. Im fuming on your behalf! Your priorities are your daughter.

I also recommend you ask this thread be moved to relationships where you can get ongoing support from others who have experienced similar.

Take care and hugs for you xx

Raccordement, your interpretation of giving someone the cold shoulder/the silent treatment is lacking in any form of sense or reason. The OP's OH gives a half hearted non-apology and then expects the OP to go into full love bomb all is forgiven mode - and you seem to think this is a reasonable expectation.

OP's OH has screamed at her at length in the presence of a small baby and left her physically shaking. Needing a little time to overcome that isn't 'the silent treatment'.

@pointythings Completely agree with you.
OP, please get yourself and your baby away from this abusive situation.

That's not normal is it?

No, absolutely not.
Unless you are a manipulative, self-centred manbaby.

You are right - he is asking you to cement over the cracks he has caused, by accepting his 'love' & offering assuances that you will forget all about his acting out & keep pretending that his behaviour is reasonable or acceptable.

@PlanDeRaccordment

But, you have a habit of giving him the silent treatment and being cold.

Well, you know what ? I'd not speak to someone who screamed and shouted at me either.
I'd do the sensible thing and walk away.

I'll bet that he doesn't scream and shout at his boss, his colleagues, his brothers, his friends.
Sophia878 is the punchbag and it won't be long before her daughter is too.

You can't win with this guy can you? Whatever you say / don't say or do / don't do In response to his abuse, you're wrong. That's abuse heaped on top of abuse.
My dad would scream at my mum for hours. She was terrified and I was terrified. I as desperate for her to leave him.
I've recently been screamed at by my brother in an uncontrolled way for a good five minutes. I was terrified all over again and my heart starts to race now when I have to see him (in a bad way).
Please find the strength to leave this wanker. Don't let him guilt you into staying as his dad is dying; he'll guilt you into staying longer once his dad is dead. All the time you and your daughter are suffering.
You shaking shows that you're scared of him. Use this fear to get away from this awful man.

I frequently call him out on the way he is. But I always get called 'a victim' and then he gets all self depricating and says 'oh Yeh I'm a bastard and a prick etc.' which then just makes me feel bad.

He knows that @Sophia878 - that's the only reason he does it.

And you ARE NOT WEAK!! - ok?
Anybody would be feeling confused & low & unable to cope, having endured 5 years of tactics such as DP is deploying against you.

I am so glad you are able to go to parents' - & even gladder that you have the sense to decide to do so. May I make a suggestion ... ? while you are there, look at this link, & get yourself a copy.
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

So much of your situation will become clearer if you are able to read this book. It will also show you how to let yourself off the hook with all the self-blame you are doing. (Excuse that comment - it is NOT a dig at you, but your posts are threaded through with references to how things are your fault/you should put up with them/etc).

Enjoy some stress-free time with mum, & well done for your strength, common sense, & realisation that things are NOT right, but that ii is NOT your fault

I lost both my parents, one to cancer, one to profound dementia. In neither case did I find it necessary to snap at anyone, much less my nearest and dearest.

He's just a nasty person OP. As a PP suggested, I bet he doesn't do it at work.

But, you have a habit of giving him the silent treatment and being cold.

Where are you getting that from, @PlanDeRaccordement?

I was 36 weeks pregnant when FIL died from a terrible brain tumour. DH was under immense pressure, and he never did anything but support me and make sure I had any help I needed even when he was supporting his mum as well. Extreme stress does not excuse the behaviour.

May I suggest counselling for you?

If you are suggesting couples counselling - please don't.
It is absolutely not recommended when one of the pair is a coercive controller. Ask any professional - they would be horrified by this.

Thank you for your kind comments. I promise I've read them all. It's really providing me with comfort.
Hes just rung again to update me on his dad's situation. He apologised again and told me he loved me. He then told me how hurt he was that I called him manipulative. I told him that how he was with the hug was manipulative. He then started having a go at me telling me he didn't have a chance to tell me about his dad before (he did). I said there was no need to scream it at me and then scream for another 10 mins after. I also said I hated that out daughter heard it all and it's not on. He shut the Convo down and said 'look we will talk after'. Doesn't like what he's hearing does he?

If I were you I wouldn't feel guilt tripped into sticking around to 'support' him while he goes through this OP to the extent that you are putting up with his very bad behaviour - it isn't acceptable. I wouldn't feel guilt tripped about leaving now to be supported by your parents and you shouldn't allow yourself to be gaslit to allow him to claim the victim role here.

You can always offer to be at the end of a phone line if he needs to talk to someone who cares, but don't stick around for the abuse aimed at you and your child.

He probably needs grief counselling for just him too.

Bollocks. He need anger management training.

He won't get it though, because he is never going to admit that he could be wrong. It suits his narrative better to play the bully, the victim, the misunderstood, the grief-struck - & to scream when he doesn't get immediate appeasement & capitulation from his DP.

I cross posted OP. In a situation like this where he is screaming down the phone, you can take control, put the phone down and send him a text suggesting that you both talk later when tempers have cooled. Then ignore calls. You're not his punchbag.