Was just screamed at... But maybe I need to accept it?

[Sophia878]

Hi all
Complicated one I guess. Partner has just screamed at me for about 10 mins. Whilst 6 month old is in her high chair. Tensions are fraught as his dad is terminally ill. He has had to leave work in tears today and is going to visit them 3 hours away as his dad has taken a turn for the worse.
I've been as supportive as I can be, haven't asked for anything and just been there for him. I've done all the caring for our daughter and have been making sure he had what he needs. I've offered to go with him but he says no.
Last night he was really snappy with me, obviously I just accepted it, he's going through hell. I took baby to bed to give him space and he spent the evening slamming doors and generally making me aware he's annoyed. (he snapped because I turned the channel when he was watching something even though he was watching videos on his phone and laughing).
I had plans today but he needed collecting from the train station, I went no problem and then he snapped at me again whilst we were discussing his dad. (I don't understand the situation enough and the suggestions I was making weren't good ones).
We've come home and I've taken daughter for a nap. I've stayed with her so she can sleep a little longer.
His snapping at me is a bone of contention in our relationship, he does it frequently and when I get upset he accuses me of playing the victim and that 'he's always in the wrong'. If I ever do anything I apologise but he seems to forget that and I apparantly act like I'm always in the right.
So I came downstairs after her nap and didn't say anything. He then followed me upstairs and put his arms out for a hug. I said 'look I don't want a hug right now I think we just need a little space from one another' he then screams 'well my mum has just told me my dad's been admitted to hospital and has swelling on the brain! So thanks!'
I said 'hang on I would have given you a hug if I'd known that!' then he continues screaming. Then, and this is where I know I'm in the wrong, I've said 'that was quite manipulative, why didn't you tell me that when I just downstairs?'. This really set him off and he screamed so loudly for about 10mins right by me.
I told him that I was as supportive as I could be but that everyone had a limit to how they are treated. Thing is, I've let so so so much' slide', Ive taken plenty on the chin as I know how devastated he is with his dad (he's been unwell for 3 years). I've tried so hard.
Did I deserve that? I don't even know. He's left now and I'm not sure when he's coming back from his parents. I won't message him as clearly that's not what he wants. I don't know if I've been totally unsupportive and should just accept the way I'm treated? Sorry if this is disjointed, just getting my thoughts down.

That's an unusual response from your mum. What's she like generally? It sounds like somewhere in her life she's also learned that it's ok to put up with a certain level of abuse.

You need to separate out the situation with your partner's dad with how he is treating you. You can offer condolences and sympathy for his dad's illness. It doesn't mean you have to put up with his treatment of you. It doesn't mean you are obliged to "be there" for him. He has lost that support because of how he has treated you. He cannot expect you to behave like a loving supportive partner, because his behaviour has caused the relationship to break down. It's tough timing for him but it's the reality.

Sounds like you're being strong explaining to your mum that how he treats you isn't acceptable and isn't just to do with his dad's illness. Just keep calmly saying it. Do you have any friends who might really listen to what you're saying and offer you some real life support?

Don't feel guilty. You don't need to put up with his treatment and put yourself last just because his dad is seriously ill.

It sounds like you're worried people will think or say "she's so unkind, so he got a bit aggressive, his father was terminally ill, that's just normal. I can't believe she walked away". You just have to look them in the eye and say "It wasn't like that. No matter what I said or what support I gave he would be constantly angry, shout at me aggressively and slam doors in front of dd. This was nothing new either and started long before his dad became ill. I'm sad about his dad but in the end I had to walk away from that for all of our sakes."

I'm sorry your mum's not being much support to you. There are so many women who think you need to put up with this shit, and don't realise this is abuse.

Give Women's Aid a call, and have a chat with them.

That’s not particularly supportive of your mum, I’m sorry she’s not being helpful.

Going through a hard time is no excuse for his behaviour towards you, and it will have a huge impact on your DD. You don’t need to put up with his abuse. Do what’s right for you and your DD regardless of what your DM thinks. You’re the one living with his behaviour.

I’m really glad you’ve managed to get some space. Something has to change, you can’t carry on like this - it’s not fair on you or your dd

Why did you sit and let him do that Infront of your 6mo?

I'd have put them in the buggy and left.

olaeliza victim blaming much? The reality is that few of us know what we will really do if someone we love starts screaming at us.

It's not victim blaming to say remove a child from a dangerous situation.

OP,
It's unfortunate that your mother doesn't get it but that is her issue.

You came on her because YOU get it.

This is not right, for you or your baby.

I think you know in your gut that he is not a good, kind man.

He couldn't possibly be and scream at you like that in front of his baby.

I think you need to be very very firm with him, that his behaviour has been unacceptable and his father being ill is no excuse.

My best advice is to prepare to do this without him.

Be clear to him that you realise that his baby deserves better than to be subjected to a childhood of abuse.

Because abusive is what he is.

He needs to know that he has fxxxed up. Big time.

I think you know his character.
I doubt he can change.
It is the way he is.

I think you should also be honest with your mother that it is very disappointing that she is not appreciating how abusive he is and how mean he is.

Hopefully she will give herself a shake.

Wishing you well. 💐

He doesn't get to treat you like shit for any reason. People might have a one off snap but you've said he's been like this for a while - it's not acceptable.

You have some wrong thinking. All your decisions seem to revolve around his feelings, his mental health. You are not recognising your own damage.

When things are settled I need to face up to reality and either end things or insist he seeks help.
No
When things are settled I need to face up to reality and either end things or seek help for myself

He is already on anti anxiety medication but I think he needs counselling for his mood swings and also his controlling nature
He has mood swings, is controlling and is on anti-anxiety medication. I think I need counselling to help me deal appropriately with how this impacts me and our daughter.

Partner (ex) has been in touch almost constantly. His dad has a few weeks left and he's obviously wanting my support. Feels like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Partner feels sad about his dad dying and he wants me there to shout at because it makes him feel better. It makes me feel awful when he treats me so. The damage to me is so great I can't go back. He doesn't care about how I feel, how I have been hurt by him. He messages me daily about what he wants and how I must put aside my own suffering at his hand in order to sooth him.

@TowelNumber42

Another bang on the money post👏

OlaEliza it's not as straightforward as you seem to believe it is. Just leave? Nobody who has had the experience the OP had would expect a women to do what you feel she should have done.

Why did you sit and let him do that in front of your 6mo?
This is victim blaming. She was not in control of what he was doing. He made the decision to rage at the OP and at his baby. She did not "let him" do what he did any more than a woman 'lets' a manager grope her.

Have you ever been frozen in fear? Have you ever been so stunned or shocked that you couldn't react?

TowelNumberTwo's post excavates your desperation very well.

@Sophia878 there is no magic therapy or pill that will stop your H from seeking to destroy you. He needs a personality transplant, and to date that solution to the problem of emotional and psychological abuse has proved impossible.

The only element of this situation that can be changed is you.

Your strength here is your ability to speak up on your own behalf, to state your boundaries, and you have put your money where your mouth is too - you have gone to your mother's. But as you have seen, he keeps on ignoring you, though you couldn't have been clearer in the last few days about the damage he is doing to the relationship and to you.

He wants to treat you as some being who has no feelings, no opinions, no right to respond, an emotional punchbag. You are dealing with someone who is emotionally and psychologically stunted. Nothing can change this. There is no secret way to get him to stop and change, that will be revealed to you if only you keep on plugging away, trying harder, waiting for the charmed moment. He is getting what he wants out of the relationship. It is the pleasure of dumping on you, making you suffer.

Continuing to demand your support at this point regardless of everything you have said and done in the last week is going to feel like a battering because that is what it is - he is completely disregarding your reality, your experience of him, and demanding that you perform a role that is all about him instead.

I strongly suggest that you stop responding to his texts. You have told him you are sad and concerned about his father. Nothing more needs to be added to that. Go quiet.

I suspect that in responding with assurances of support you are seeking to control his reaction, his judgement of you, and to maintain equilibrium in the relationship. The illusion that the victim can control the abuser is one that you need to let go of. The optimistic illusion that something you say or do will change him is not your friend - it is actually toxic to you. Let the chips fall where they may now. Let him rage. You are currently safe. You do not have to go back.

As for your mother - I am not really surprised she hasn't understood you. Our culture is very forgiving of men, and holds them to very low expectations of behaviour. Many women of past generations were socialised to treat men as big, dangerous babies and also to always set aside their own needs and cater to others, mainly men.

Maybe ask her to read these:
www.joinonelove.org/learn/emotional-abuse-really-means/

outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/emotional-abuse

Look around for other articles and ask her to read them and try hard to understand, because you are not exaggerating, or callous about your dying FIL, and you need her help and support for your desperate situation. Ask her to put you first. You deserve nothing less.

Please call Women's Aid - 0808 32000 247.
Leave a message, and they will get back to you. You can go on the WA website to find your local contact number too.

Excellent post by Math there.

OP, have you looked at that book yet? Please do read it, it will help you to understand what's happening, and why you can't help or change him.