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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was just screamed at... But maybe I need to accept it?

239 replies

Sophia878 · 25/11/2019 13:42

Hi all
Complicated one I guess. Partner has just screamed at me for about 10 mins. Whilst 6 month old is in her high chair. Tensions are fraught as his dad is terminally ill. He has had to leave work in tears today and is going to visit them 3 hours away as his dad has taken a turn for the worse.
I've been as supportive as I can be, haven't asked for anything and just been there for him. I've done all the caring for our daughter and have been making sure he had what he needs. I've offered to go with him but he says no.
Last night he was really snappy with me, obviously I just accepted it, he's going through hell. I took baby to bed to give him space and he spent the evening slamming doors and generally making me aware he's annoyed. (he snapped because I turned the channel when he was watching something even though he was watching videos on his phone and laughing).
I had plans today but he needed collecting from the train station, I went no problem and then he snapped at me again whilst we were discussing his dad. (I don't understand the situation enough and the suggestions I was making weren't good ones).
We've come home and I've taken daughter for a nap. I've stayed with her so she can sleep a little longer.
His snapping at me is a bone of contention in our relationship, he does it frequently and when I get upset he accuses me of playing the victim and that 'he's always in the wrong'. If I ever do anything I apologise but he seems to forget that and I apparantly act like I'm always in the right.
So I came downstairs after her nap and didn't say anything. He then followed me upstairs and put his arms out for a hug. I said 'look I don't want a hug right now I think we just need a little space from one another' he then screams 'well my mum has just told me my dad's been admitted to hospital and has swelling on the brain! So thanks!'
I said 'hang on I would have given you a hug if I'd known that!' then he continues screaming. Then, and this is where I know I'm in the wrong, I've said 'that was quite manipulative, why didn't you tell me that when I just downstairs?'. This really set him off and he screamed so loudly for about 10mins right by me.
I told him that I was as supportive as I could be but that everyone had a limit to how they are treated. Thing is, I've let so so so much' slide', Ive taken plenty on the chin as I know how devastated he is with his dad (he's been unwell for 3 years). I've tried so hard.
Did I deserve that? I don't even know. He's left now and I'm not sure when he's coming back from his parents. I won't message him as clearly that's not what he wants. I don't know if I've been totally unsupportive and should just accept the way I'm treated? Sorry if this is disjointed, just getting my thoughts down.

OP posts:
nozbottheblue · 25/11/2019 15:09

Please do not allow your child to be subjected to this man's behaviour again. Although it has not been directed at the child, they will grow up learning that this way of communication is acceptable when it is most definitely NOT. If he yells, you walk out of the room/ house with the child. Only listen to him/ discuss things with him when he will do it calmly.
My advice would be to give your partner some ground rules before he's allowed back into your home: absolutely no yelling, calm discussions only. I know in the circumstances this is not going to be easy, but he has no right to treat you or anyone like that, however upset he is.
Perhaps draft a letter/text to him, saying how you want things to be between you when he returns home?
Even if you don't send it to him, it will help you get your thoughts together about what you want, don't want and what you are prepared to accept.
You sound very supportive and understanding but maybe need some help with this difficult man- you could find out about couples counselling while he's away?

ClapHandsAndSaveTheFairies · 25/11/2019 15:14

This reminds me of when my abusive ex went through his mum deteriorating and then dying. The abuse rammed up, he was also abusive to his dying mother, and not realising what he was doing to me at the time and being timid, I couldn't tell anyone the severity of the way he treated me and the little I mentioned, his friends said to ignore because of what he was going through. Made it so much easier for him to further ramp up and continue his abuse. He always had an excuse, OP. Before his mum, it was that his dad had does twelve years earlier and then his ex wife left him. He always had reasons to self excuse him from his nasty abusive behaviours.

steppemum · 25/11/2019 15:14

go bakc and re-read your own words in yoru OP. See how much of his horrible behaviour is not directly to do with his Dad being sick?
And you were right, he was manipulative.

I can understand a letting of steam scream, as a PP said, lots of us have done it when life is crap, someone is ill/dying etc. It is usually followed by tears and apologies and making up and hugs.

But it is a moment in time, a one off, an end-of-my-tether moment, your patner is doing it to you all the time. He is doing it as normal behaviour when he doesn't get his own way. There is no remorse or apology and in front of his dd.

he is not a nice man.

Prevegen4U · 25/11/2019 15:25

He screamed right at you for 10 mins - I doubt he screamed at you for 10 mins. That's a lot of screaming & surely his throat would be sore/damaged.

I said 'look I don't want a hug right now I think we just need a little space from one another'

I would like to hear his side of this.

MotherOfSoupDragons · 25/11/2019 15:29

Apologist much? ^^

hammeringinmyhead · 25/11/2019 15:30

eyeroll

TooTrusting · 25/11/2019 15:32

"...and this is where I know I'm in the wrong..."

No you weren't. You were in the right to call him out on his manipulative bullshit and he then screamed and shouted at you for 10 minutes. There's your answer.

If he's normally lovely then you can cut him some slack, but the way you describe it is that this is ongoing abuse.

hammeringinmyhead · 25/11/2019 15:32

It's ok OP. If the screaming lasts seven minutes or less, it's completely acceptable.

SevenStones · 25/11/2019 15:33

and this is where I know I'm in the wrong

No, you were completely in the right. It's worrying that you think a calm adult reaction to his manipulative and emotionally blackmailing behaviour is being in the wrong.

The other worry is that it's not just recently he's been like this, it's a long term thing that has escalated.

He is abusive and manipulative towards you and your child. Do you want to stay in this situation?

messolini9 · 25/11/2019 15:36

He screamed right at you for 10 mins - I doubt he screamed at you for 10 mins. That's a lot of screaming & surely his throat would be sore/damaged.

Would you like to wise OP & the rest of us up, @Prevegen4U, about how many minutes of screaming at one's wife in front of one's 6 month old child is perfectly normal & acceptable?

Lordamighty · 25/11/2019 15:39

When my dad was terminally ill I didn’t scream at anyone, let alone my DH. That is just abuse pure & simple & there is no excuse.

cees · 25/11/2019 15:41

Why would you let him treat you like this. You have a child to protect, think of you child as you in this relationship, what would your advice to her be.

He dad is ill and thats awful but that doesn't absolve your dp of being a civil human being. He does not get to abuse you and blame his dads illness, thats despicable.

Original poster
Sophia878 · 25/11/2019 15:43

Hes just called me from the car and said 'look I wanted to ring and say I'm sorry and that I love you'. I said 'ok' he said 'is that all you have to say to me?' I said 'I hope you're OK and that your dad is ok'. The line went dead. I rung him back and said 'did you just hang up on me?' he said 'yes because that's all you have to say. You didn't say you love me back or anything'.

He does this after every apology. If i don't instantly forgive him he gets annoyed.

That's not normal is it?

He said he will just speak to me later.

OP posts:
CallmeAngelina · 25/11/2019 15:43

My father died recently after a long period of unpleasant illness. I never behaved anything like how your dh is.
He wants support and you've been giving it, quietly and unobtrusively, but that doesn't mean you should accept the vile treatment he's been doling out.

hammeringinmyhead · 25/11/2019 15:44

Tell him to stay put. Arsehole.

hammeringinmyhead · 25/11/2019 15:45

I'd be inclined to tell him "I'm still shaking but you'll probably tell me I'm playing the victim."

Havaina · 25/11/2019 15:47

Thing is, if don't message him etc. He will turn around and say I was unsupportive when his dad was dying.
I've just messaged him a very simple 'can you let me know when you get there OK please and also let me know how your dad is'. He's just sent me a text exchange with him and his mum as his way of updating me.

This is so unhealthy. You are dancing to his puppet strings.

BumbleBeee69 · 25/11/2019 15:49

He said he will just speak to me later.

Suggest it's maybe better he stays with his Mother now. Flowers

GrumpyHoonMain · 25/11/2019 15:49

He has been abusing you for a while. To put it bluntly his dying dad is just the latest excuse. You shouldn’t have to put up with it.

champagneandfromage50 · 25/11/2019 15:49

I am surprised you were so passive and accepted his apology. I would have used it as an opportunity to say this can’t continue and that whilst you appreciate his distress relating to his dad you can’t be his verbal punch bag...

IdiotInDisguise · 25/11/2019 15:50

I think it is ok to be a bit off if you have just been told some bad news, but hid behaviour has been very nasty and intimidating that it is not ok. He can laugh on the phone but sulk to you because you changed the channel he was not even watching? This is not about his sick parent, he is just allowing himself to freely be the nasty person he is in the excuse of his father’s illness.

Original poster
Sophia878 · 25/11/2019 15:50

I've read every message, I have and I'm so grateful. I think this has been a wake up call. When things are settled I need to face up to reality and either end things or insist he seeks help.
I'm not having my daughter think this is normal. I thought this myself the other evening when he made me cry. I refuse to let her grow up in this environment. I had a happy upbringing and she deserves the same.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 25/11/2019 15:50

He screamed right at you for 10 mins - I doubt he screamed at you for 10 mins. That's a lot of screaming & surely his throat would be sore/damaged.

I would like to hear his side of this.

oh wow.. fucking WOW.... Hmm

OctoberLovers · 25/11/2019 15:51

He is abusive.

This clearly isnt just over his dad, he was like this before and at the moment, his just using it as an excuse.

Screaming at you in front of your baby, whatever the "reason" is not on.

Split with him, for your babies sake

avocadotofu · 25/11/2019 15:51

My dad was dying of cancer three years ago and it didn't turn me into a jerk. He is sad but it doesn't mean he gets to shout at you. You sound like you're going through so much with a baby and his behaviour and it sounds like you're doing a great job.

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