Was just screamed at... But maybe I need to accept it?

[Sophia878]

Hi all
Complicated one I guess. Partner has just screamed at me for about 10 mins. Whilst 6 month old is in her high chair. Tensions are fraught as his dad is terminally ill. He has had to leave work in tears today and is going to visit them 3 hours away as his dad has taken a turn for the worse.
I've been as supportive as I can be, haven't asked for anything and just been there for him. I've done all the caring for our daughter and have been making sure he had what he needs. I've offered to go with him but he says no.
Last night he was really snappy with me, obviously I just accepted it, he's going through hell. I took baby to bed to give him space and he spent the evening slamming doors and generally making me aware he's annoyed. (he snapped because I turned the channel when he was watching something even though he was watching videos on his phone and laughing).
I had plans today but he needed collecting from the train station, I went no problem and then he snapped at me again whilst we were discussing his dad. (I don't understand the situation enough and the suggestions I was making weren't good ones).
We've come home and I've taken daughter for a nap. I've stayed with her so she can sleep a little longer.
His snapping at me is a bone of contention in our relationship, he does it frequently and when I get upset he accuses me of playing the victim and that 'he's always in the wrong'. If I ever do anything I apologise but he seems to forget that and I apparantly act like I'm always in the right.
So I came downstairs after her nap and didn't say anything. He then followed me upstairs and put his arms out for a hug. I said 'look I don't want a hug right now I think we just need a little space from one another' he then screams 'well my mum has just told me my dad's been admitted to hospital and has swelling on the brain! So thanks!'
I said 'hang on I would have given you a hug if I'd known that!' then he continues screaming. Then, and this is where I know I'm in the wrong, I've said 'that was quite manipulative, why didn't you tell me that when I just downstairs?'. This really set him off and he screamed so loudly for about 10mins right by me.
I told him that I was as supportive as I could be but that everyone had a limit to how they are treated. Thing is, I've let so so so much' slide', Ive taken plenty on the chin as I know how devastated he is with his dad (he's been unwell for 3 years). I've tried so hard.
Did I deserve that? I don't even know. He's left now and I'm not sure when he's coming back from his parents. I won't message him as clearly that's not what he wants. I don't know if I've been totally unsupportive and should just accept the way I'm treated? Sorry if this is disjointed, just getting my thoughts down.

Thanks again. Sorry to hear of those of you who have been through the same. I'm not at my parents yet, partner is staying at his parents all week. He's text me lots apologising today but I've told him to just focus on his dad. I can't be discussing our relationship via text and he doesn't have the capacity to have those conversations either. I'm going to go to my parents tomorrow and pack a case. I'm going to stay for a while and then figure out my next move. Thanks again all

endofthelinefinally

I Am so sorry for your loss

@Sophia878 really glad to hear that.

Please don't let him guilt you into coming back to support him with his Father. Having a terminally ill parent does not give him the right (or excuse) to act like an abusive arsehole.

He's text me lots apologising today

I bet he bloody has. Don't fall for it.

I hope that when you get to your parents, the fog starts to lift. Best wishes and keep us posted.

If ever he screams at you again, simply keep saying, calmly but intently "I will not be screamed at"; "don't raise your voice to me"; or "stop shouting - You are frightening our child" over and over and over. Say nothing else. Just choose one of those phrases, keep your nerve and keep repeating it until he stops.

Later simply say to him that when he shouts, you hear nothing. That it's impossible to take notice of what anyone is saying when they yell.
The stress mechanism it triggers stops the recipient of the shouting from taking anything in.

He's a nasty git. He's been pick puck picking at you to chip away your self esteem and happiness. He's out to grind you down into the ground. The manipulating nature of telling you you are horrible for not wanting to hug him (asking for your own space) because such and such happened - that's a straight up narcissist right there. You aren't allowed to govern your own boundaries. They make you feel in the wrong for having any.

Horrible man.
Get yourself away from him and don't look back.

Horrible abusive man.

I'll bet he's apologised.

He's realised he just might have abused you a little too much, even for him.

No doubt he'll try and excuse it and reel you in.

He is a horrible man.

How could he scream at you like that in front of your little baby.

Pack lots more than you think you will need for both of you.

Wishing you strength 💐

@Newtcase
Well done you.👏

OP, please tell your parents the truth.

No, you don't need to accept it.

Don't contact him while he's off sulking and trying to teach you a lesson. Let him stew, or feel sorry for himself, or whatever. There is no excuse at all for his treatment of you.

His father's illness is a red herring here. It's not relevant. You are married to an abuser. I bet he reserves the bullying for you, at home behind closed doors, and is sweet as pie at work and with everyone else. He is not losing his temper here. He is using it.

Buy the book by Lundy Bancroft - "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men".

Read it and think about it.

That book has already been recommended, with a link to the free pdf.

If he's not handling it then ask him to move in with his Mum or sister it whoever for a couple of weeks - you're not a verbal punchbag and he needs to know that this sort of behaviour will influence your daughters development. In short, tell him to go away and be wherever he needs to be (kindly).

Or remove yourself and your child.

You're doing all the right things

He is a great big child, normal people don't behave like that whether their father is ill or not.
I think he's just using his father as an excuse to behave as badly as he wants. I doubt it will end when his father dies.

Just remember, whatever you choose @Sophia878 that what your daughter sees will be her "normal"

Show her what you want for her x

@codenamevillanelle, I'm not victim blaming at all, if you read the rest of my post that is quite clear, I'm advising the op not to tolerate the behaviour from her husband, and firm boundaries does not mean changing him, but protecting the op.

The only 'firm boundaries' a victim of abuse can put in is to leave.

He is a great big child, normal people don't behave like that whether their father is ill or not

This^^

I would also wonder if there is some underlying, unspoken thing about his relationship with his DPs. This is very strange after 3 years of illness.

He's had three years to cope with and accept his Dad's illness. He isn't upset, he's a fucking manchild and he absolutely is abusive.

Parent's die. It's part of life. He has had three years to accept that and process it. More time than anyone gets really.

Well done for leaving OP. I left a man just like this when DD was 2.5. Packed up all my belongings and caught a plane.
It took two years for DD to change from the angry, haunted looking, non verbal that she was. I'm ashamed to say I hadn't even realised how much witnessing his behaviour and absorbing the atmosphere in the home had affected her as well.
She still has some contact with her father. He's still a tantrummy child (age 47) and now, age 13, she thinks he's pathetic.

@GrimSisters

That is the reality. Children, even very young ones are like sponges. They may not understand but they know it's not good and safe.

Well done you for getting out💐👍

"The only firm boundaries a victim of abuse can put in is to leave" Which is exactly my point, the firm boundaries on what is acceptable is in the OP's power to control whether or not she puts up with them.

@Sophia878 How are you? Are you still at your parents' house?

I've read all your posts and you've done really well to recognise what's going on here and take steps to protect yourself and your tiny little child. Please don't get sucked back in. Be honest with your parents about what's going on. I expect your ex will love bomb you now. I think he probably knows he's gone too far and he will be desperate to stop you from escaping.

Children, even very young ones are like sponges. They may not understand but they know it's not good and safe.

Hoping you have packed and gone, @Sophia878.

I second billy1966's advice to tell your parents everything. It will be hard, especially if they have no idea.

Don't minimise, and don't let them do that either. You need support.

Thank you. Sorry for the delay.
I'm still at my parents and I've told them what's been happening. My mum is of the opinion that he will be like this because he's going through a hard time. I've explained that it's been this way for a while but I'm not sure she really gets it.
Partner (ex) has been in touch almost constantly. His dad has a few weeks left and he's obviously wanting my support. Feels like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.