Was just screamed at... But maybe I need to accept it?

[Sophia878]

Hi all
Complicated one I guess. Partner has just screamed at me for about 10 mins. Whilst 6 month old is in her high chair. Tensions are fraught as his dad is terminally ill. He has had to leave work in tears today and is going to visit them 3 hours away as his dad has taken a turn for the worse.
I've been as supportive as I can be, haven't asked for anything and just been there for him. I've done all the caring for our daughter and have been making sure he had what he needs. I've offered to go with him but he says no.
Last night he was really snappy with me, obviously I just accepted it, he's going through hell. I took baby to bed to give him space and he spent the evening slamming doors and generally making me aware he's annoyed. (he snapped because I turned the channel when he was watching something even though he was watching videos on his phone and laughing).
I had plans today but he needed collecting from the train station, I went no problem and then he snapped at me again whilst we were discussing his dad. (I don't understand the situation enough and the suggestions I was making weren't good ones).
We've come home and I've taken daughter for a nap. I've stayed with her so she can sleep a little longer.
His snapping at me is a bone of contention in our relationship, he does it frequently and when I get upset he accuses me of playing the victim and that 'he's always in the wrong'. If I ever do anything I apologise but he seems to forget that and I apparantly act like I'm always in the right.
So I came downstairs after her nap and didn't say anything. He then followed me upstairs and put his arms out for a hug. I said 'look I don't want a hug right now I think we just need a little space from one another' he then screams 'well my mum has just told me my dad's been admitted to hospital and has swelling on the brain! So thanks!'
I said 'hang on I would have given you a hug if I'd known that!' then he continues screaming. Then, and this is where I know I'm in the wrong, I've said 'that was quite manipulative, why didn't you tell me that when I just downstairs?'. This really set him off and he screamed so loudly for about 10mins right by me.
I told him that I was as supportive as I could be but that everyone had a limit to how they are treated. Thing is, I've let so so so much' slide', Ive taken plenty on the chin as I know how devastated he is with his dad (he's been unwell for 3 years). I've tried so hard.
Did I deserve that? I don't even know. He's left now and I'm not sure when he's coming back from his parents. I won't message him as clearly that's not what he wants. I don't know if I've been totally unsupportive and should just accept the way I'm treated? Sorry if this is disjointed, just getting my thoughts down.

He's using his DF's illness as a way of manipulating you.

In my book, that makes him a pretty despicable person.

This is not acceptable behaviour. You need to set this out when you are both calm and if he screams at you again, you have your conclusion.

I lost both my parents and my husband over a 3 year period and never behaved like your partner. I sought out counselling and support instead, which is what he needs to do.

Both me and my dh have lost our parents, two were to cancer.
In all the time we didn't become abusive to each other, I don't think there's any excuse.
You know what to do for the sake of both you and your baby.
No child should be listening to this behaviour, your child deserves better.

Your partner won't change, he'll only get worse and atm you are telling him this behaviour is acceptable and you'll just put up with it.
LTB or throw him out. Better still, tell him not to bother coming back.

Im still shaking from being screamed at.

That's your body, telling you to get you & DD the hell away from this gaslighting turd. Be ready for when your mind catches up. You cannot live like this for another 5 years.

He is emotionally incontinent, & is blaming you for it. That is 100% unacceptable, as your poor shaking body knows. It doesn't sound like he is ever going to take resonsibility for his own behaviours. I am so sorry OP - if he won't own up to his abusive behaviour, commit to anger management, & display clear & tangible changes in his treatment of you ... how can you carry on?

He IS emotionally abusive. He is an emotionally abusive man who is sadly losing his father. The one doesn't cancel out the other.

He needs to stop using his dad's illness as an excuse for how he's been treating you. I'm sure his mum isn't walking around snapping at everyone and talking to them like shit just because she's losing her husband. Don't delude yourself that you should accept it.

Has he been supporting you at all? Ya know, considering you gave birth 6 months ago?!

My mother-in-law was diagnosed with cancer when I was pregnant and she died when our son was 6 months old. I suffered from post-natal depression, the baby never slept and we argued constantly. I was seriously snappy and my husband was too. He was also extremely sad about his mother and torn between visiting her in a different town and being his new family at home. But it was never anything like what you described and under it all we were loving and supportive. He was never cruel, and your husband sounds like he is being cruel, manipulative and unfair.

Funny how thousands of people manage not to scream at their partners when they have a terminally ill parent - its no excuse

This. My Dad had a terminal illness and died, they were dark dark times but not once did I feel the need to raise my voice at anyone, let alone DH. If he thinks such behaviour is excusable now, he will continue to find excuses in future.

Have you got any family you could go to for a break and some headspace? I know your daughter is very wee but it's not healthy for either of you to be at home with him right now.

Relationships can be really complicated, and certain abuse can be really fuzzy & difficult to see when you are deep in it. I really struggled to see myself in an abusive relationship - even though I was in one.

What helped me was to focus on the kids. 10 min screaming at me - difficult for me to break that down & see it for what it was.

10 min screaming at me in front of DD in her highchair - what a spectacular fucking arsehole & I did not want to subject my DC to that or have them growing up thinking that kind of behavious was normal. I knew that wasn't right for her even though I struggeld to see it wasn;t right for me.

I got to see everything else more clearly once I had ended the relationship.

I've been with him for 5 years and his snappyness is definitely something that we argue about a lot.

I think you need to stop minising his behaviour as snappiness as a starting point, at least to try and get the blinkers off your own eyes. He is abusive, not snappy. Also, whilst his dad's illness is clearly tragic and upsetting, it doesn't give him a free pass to indulge in his abusive behaviour and use you as an emotional punching bag.

OP, it can be hard to recognize terrible, unacceptable behavior when it's been normalized through the years. If someone has been screaming or snapping "more than usual," you may think the current screaming is the problem when actually, it's the "usual" bit.

Outbursts and snapping and mean behavior should never be "usual." In a healthy, normal relationship, people don't scream at each other. People in a healthy relationship recognize and apologize when they do something wrong or behave in a hurtful way.

Leeway isn't deserved; it's granted. Patience isn't something you can demand or be entitled to, it's something the other person gives at their discretion.

It doesn't matter if all your friends are in relationships where screaming or manipulation is normal. It doesn't matter if you're "used to it" or it's the way your parents operated or you think it's just because his father is ill.

Bad stuff is always going to happen. Jobs will be lost, kids will get sick, bills will be late, cars will break down, parents will die. It's not an option for your partner to lose his emotional control and fly into infantile rages every time a crisis rolls around, because life is just a series of crises.

You deserve to be treated and spoken to with respect in your own home. Your daughter deserves a calm and emotionally stable environment.

Your partner needs to learn that feeling bad is not an excuse to treat people badly. End of story.

You only give people leeway when you know they don’t mean it.

Your prick of a husband means every passive aggressive/raised voice/gaslighting thing he says and does.

The thing is, it sounds like there will always be a reason you have to tread on eggshells around him.
His dad has been ill for three years (which of course is difficult but doesn't mean you have to be his punching bag) so you have to be nice to him.

When his dad dies he'll be grieving so you have to be nice to him.

There will always be a reason why he believes his behaviour is acceptable, but it isn't and you don't have to put up with it. The snapping existed before his dad was ill, it won't go away after.

No I don't think that you should accept it. He is being abusive. Can you stay with your mum for a few days to get away?

So a basically this is an escalation of abuse and aggression in an already abusive relationship. You deserve better and you need to protect your daughter.

Yes, and then it'll be a year since his dad died, and his first birthday without his dad, then his dad's birthday, then his first Christmas without his dad...

His expectations for what you can do is too high. You are not on this earth to make all his booboos go away. You are an independent human being with feelings of your own. You can't fix all his problems and it is not your job to do so. You are not the universal parent.

He is abusive. And he's going to be even worse when his dad dies.

No, you don't have to accept it. Start planning to get out.

His dad being terminally ill does not excuse screaming at you. Especially not in front of a baby.

He sounds abusive and manipulative. The turning things around so they are your fault isn’t because his father is dying, it’s because he’s an arsehole. In your place I would start planning to leave, it won’t get better after his dad has died, he will just find a new excuse.

He's been like this throughout your relationship and now he has an excuse to ramp it up and blame it on you, so he's taking it. If he was normally calm and rational, I would suggest that he gets some support dealing with his feelings at the situation, but this is just more of who is naturally is, with an added helping of emotional blackmail and playing the perpetual victim. Imagine what it will be like when his dad dies: it will be a golden ticket to treat you like shit for as long as you can stand it. I honestly think you need to reconsider your future with him if this is the parent and partner he's choosing to be.

His snapping at me is a bone of contention in our relationship, he does it frequently and when I get upset he accuses me of playing the victim and that 'he's always in the wrong'.

It's horrible what he's going through with his dad, but this ^^ makes it sound like he's always like this and that the situation is just exacerbating his nastiness.

He sounds like a classic "Mr Right" abuser.

He's using his DI've been with him for 5 years and his snappyness is definitely something that we argue about a lot.

He's using his DF's illness as a way of manipulating you and excusing his abusive behaviour. Vile. So what are you going to do about it?

From what you've posted, it doesn't sound as if he has the self-awareness to want to change, or thinks he has to change. He sounds awful.