AIBU to just sit here and cry

[Pityparty4one]

As my username suggest I am having a pity party.

I will try and make this as short as possible.
I have 4 DC eldest is DS17. He has major behavioural issues poor mental health and puts a huge strain on the family. He has been with camhs since he was 11.

I have 50 50 with ex and we co parent well.

Yesterday I had the paramedics out as I suffer with asthma and due to a cold my inhaler just was not working. They came treatment given all good. Had ooh gp booked today for script for new inhaler steroids and a spacer.
DC were back with dad today he collected them at 12.

I went to gp got home and was in the process of packing as spending weekend with bf and was meeting him and his mum for lunch.
Just before I left dtwins 13 turned up soaking wet and upset. DS17 had come home to dads and kicked off.
I called ex but phone switched off.
I drove to the house DS17 was there but no sign of ex. He was his usual abusive self towards me.
Anyway eventually found ex who was driving streets looking for dtwins with a flat phone.

I had called bf and said to just order lunch as it had all kicked off and I was running late.
He said "great thanks for messing mum about"
I apologised said there was nothing I could do and still needed to collect my meds.

Went to chemist feeling totally shit as everything was now messed up.
Waited 20 minutes to get served and was told £27 please.
I burst in to tears.
I do not get prescriptions often I mean like a year ago and then its 1 item my inhaler.
This was 3 items.
That £27 was all I had till Tuesday (recently changed jobs so struggling this month)

So I paid now have come home unpacked and I have no milk or bread and no money left to buy any. Plenty of food in so wont starve and dc with dad until Tuesday afternoon but I just feel so sorry for myself.

DS's behaviour ended my marriage and has probably ended my relationship.
He has ruined his siblings childhood as our whole lives have to revolve around him.

I just want to sit here and cry while whining how shit my life is and there is nothing I can do about it.
AIBU...I probably am but will whine anyway

Also sorry it was so long.

The pizza thing - he loves you.

The pizza thing - he loves you

Yup. This.

What’s the story there OP?

Hi I hope you're reading this after a good night's sleep and feeling a bit more hopeful.

I thought you might like to read this thread from a mum of a son who had similar behaviour to your DS:

Reporting my 17 son to the police for theft http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3563331-Reporting-my-17-son-to-the-police-for-theft

It's one of the threads that stuck with me because growing up I was the younger sibling to a disruptive and violent older sibling. The OP was at the end of her tether too.

I'm also stealing the milk cube hack.
clink

OP has said that they work better apart. I don’t think focusing on “he loves you” as if it was a romcom is helpful.

This is the last post in the thread that I linked to above, so you know I'm not sending you to a depressing thread, but something that may help...

I just wanted to thank everyone who has taken the time to comment and shared their sometimes equally unpleasant and personal stories, sent me harrowing and comforting private messages, and just let me know there is a whole community of other parents out there. It has been such an amazing help. Thank you! xxx

I hope you're sleeping now - I'm glad that your exH at least cares about and for you - seems like the BF has decided he's had enough. If I were you I would cut him loose before he does it for you - take control of it, you'll feel better if you do.

And, although he's your "me time", he's not supportive and he's added to your guilt, which he didn't need to do - since he did, then he's not worth having around to do that again to you.

I hope you can find an alternate outlet for "me time" - one that doesn't let you down and make you feel guilty.

Sorry you are having an awful time, can you look into your son going into some kind of supported living? I don’t think you can carry on with this situation for your and your other children mrs sake

Children’s sake

"Ex had a pizza delivered for me. I didn't ask it just arrived an hour ago.
He knows I don't eat when I am upset.
Hes a good egg."

Wow, he is lovely.

I am so sorry your son is so difficult. I think you need to (with whatever tiny bit of energy you can find) look into getting him into assisted living away from you once he turns 18, or sooner if you can. I have no idea how this is possible but that is what i would be looking at. Whether any diagnosis would help with this, I do not know.

My dd has an ASD diagnosis and has mental health issue. She also took pills and we ended up in A and E. She is a bit younger than your son and not violent.

I am sorry your boyfriend has behaved so badly.

If you are struggling with money etc can yo register with a food bank? I am sorry this is so hard and you sound like a fucking amazing mum. XXXXX

Idk if this will make you feel better but my non-mh dc make me sit and cry sometimes. They are judgey adults who think they know everything.

Surprisingly, they are harder on our marriage now. And I enjoy them less.

Morning all.
Thanks for the late night support.

I am the mother of his children so yes ex loves me but not romantically and not for many years, even before our marriage ended. Sorry guys no romcom ending here

Thank you for the thread link.
I look around my life and see my families kids all normal and my friends kids all normal and I have DS. I feel so lonely so as awful as it sounds that thread may help me.

No need for a food bank I was only short of milk/bread I have plenty of food and I was supposed to be spending until Tuesday with BF and before getting sick I had £27.

I feel a little better this morning. Will have a coffee and read the other thread.

Oops nc fail. What a numpty!

Apols if I missed it, but I don't think you responded to a question earlier in the thread about your DS's behaviour with his friends' families?

He was staying with a friend last night (or a few days ago) - how does he behave there? Do the parents have any problems with him?

DS17 stayed with his friend.
He behaves well at his friends homes.
He is there for such a short time he does not become relaxed enough to behave his normal way.
Plus he knows his friends parents will just kick him out and never have him back.
They have no emotional tie to him.

He uses that against me and his dad.

I am heartbroken for so many reasons.
I feel like running away this morning but I have nowhere to run to...us the asthma kind of hinders the running

Does he have a school or college placement?

He had a college placement from September which we fought hard for but he never went.
His adult step brother got him a part time job which he managed for 9 months but then he messed that up and got sacked.

So now no college no job. Only cares about his girlfriend (whole other thread ) money and weed.

Ex and other 3 DC are up North today to mark fil anniversary with the extended family so at least they will have some respite. Strange as it sounds they will have a great time as it's a full on family celebration of fils life not a sad death thing iyswim.

@pityparty

You mentioned you were in the GPs when your DS was screaming down the phone at you - were you with the GP at the time? It would have been good for them to hear it if so, so that the GP knows how much stress you and your other children are under. I would write down the incidents and DSs reaction and then see your GP for support for you. Your DS may not want to engage, but your GP may be able to point you in the direction of local support for you and your kids.

Bugger, posted too soon.

He behaves well at his friends homes. He is there for such a short time he does not become relaxed enough to behave his normal way.
Plus he knows his friends parents will just kick him out and never have him back. They have no emotional tie to him.

This suggests that he is capable of behaving well and he knows what he's doing and can choose to turn his behaviour on and off, especially when he's with soeone he sees as bigger and stronger than himself.

This makes your ds sound like a bully. He targets you because he knows he'll get a reaction.

I'd be giving him an utlimatum, I think. The cost is too great to you and your other dc, and your ex. If he carries on behaving like this, your love and support for him may run dry. There will come a point when you have just had enough.

And nobody else will put up with him.

Shaw it was an ooh GP so not my own and it was a 1 minute appointment as they were super busy.

Both ex and I have visited the GP separately for ourselves and the support offered was antidepressants and referral to ss, local family scheme, cahms and gp appointment for DS. All which we have done repeatedly over the last 6 years.

Please don't think I am being dismissive or not bothered to take advice. It's just after 6 years of jumping through every hoop, contacting and meeting with multiple agencies the fact is because me and ex are capable parents they leave us to it.

We had involvement with a specialist team 18 months ago MIT I think or something similar. After 2 months the worker with drew support as he said and I quote:

" I do not know how to work with you. I work with families that are broken, poor parenting, parents have alcohol/substance misuse, DV, low income ect. You are not the typical family I work with and my support wont help you"

This may not be a solution but could you help your younger children by rotating contact with your ex so that they aren't with their brother- they are with your ex while older son is with you and vice versa?
I'm sorry that things went badly with your bf today but to be honest, if he's so lacking in understanding about your situation then you're probably better off without him.

This suggests that he is capable of behaving well and he knows what he's doing and can choose to turn his behaviour on and off, especially when he's with soeone he sees as bigger and stronger than himself.

This makes your ds sound like a bully. He targets you because he knows he'll get a reaction.

Absolutely.
He also knows we will end up giving sometimes in order to protect the other children from his outbursts.

I think it's really important that he's capable of behaving when it's in his best interest to do so.

He's choosing to put the family through this because it suits him. I know you love him, but i think it may be time to let him go it alone for a while. He needs to learn to take responsibility for himself, or you'll be stuck in this position for another 50 years. I understand that's easier said than done though

I was going to ask you last night about cannabis use, OP. His behaviour sounded like that was an issue to me. It's a terrible drug.

On top of mentioning all of DSs behaviour yesterday I was too ashamed to mention the weed smoking. Sorry.

It is a factor.
His behaviour was bad before but the weed smoking has ramped it up as he needs money to fund it.

It's all just a never ending mess.

I am on my own today and feel better breathng wise so going to start my pre Christmas clear out.
Cleaning distracts me