AIBU to just sit here and cry

[Pityparty4one]

As my username suggest I am having a pity party.

I will try and make this as short as possible.
I have 4 DC eldest is DS17. He has major behavioural issues poor mental health and puts a huge strain on the family. He has been with camhs since he was 11.

I have 50 50 with ex and we co parent well.

Yesterday I had the paramedics out as I suffer with asthma and due to a cold my inhaler just was not working. They came treatment given all good. Had ooh gp booked today for script for new inhaler steroids and a spacer.
DC were back with dad today he collected them at 12.

I went to gp got home and was in the process of packing as spending weekend with bf and was meeting him and his mum for lunch.
Just before I left dtwins 13 turned up soaking wet and upset. DS17 had come home to dads and kicked off.
I called ex but phone switched off.
I drove to the house DS17 was there but no sign of ex. He was his usual abusive self towards me.
Anyway eventually found ex who was driving streets looking for dtwins with a flat phone.

I had called bf and said to just order lunch as it had all kicked off and I was running late.
He said "great thanks for messing mum about"
I apologised said there was nothing I could do and still needed to collect my meds.

Went to chemist feeling totally shit as everything was now messed up.
Waited 20 minutes to get served and was told £27 please.
I burst in to tears.
I do not get prescriptions often I mean like a year ago and then its 1 item my inhaler.
This was 3 items.
That £27 was all I had till Tuesday (recently changed jobs so struggling this month)

So I paid now have come home unpacked and I have no milk or bread and no money left to buy any. Plenty of food in so wont starve and dc with dad until Tuesday afternoon but I just feel so sorry for myself.

DS's behaviour ended my marriage and has probably ended my relationship.
He has ruined his siblings childhood as our whole lives have to revolve around him.

I just want to sit here and cry while whining how shit my life is and there is nothing I can do about it.
AIBU...I probably am but will whine anyway

Also sorry it was so long.

Their dad really isn't shit.
He is hands on and at times does more than his fair share.
DS''s behaviour drags everyone down.

It really was the catalyst in our marriage ending for reasons to lengthy to go in to.
Truth is we are happier apart and get on much better. As parents we support each other.

Still no word from bf.
I think he cares more that I messed up his day than he does about what I have been through. Not good is it.

So, does DS17 ‘behave’ when staying with friends?

My experience is that they DO behave around their friends as they want peer approval.

It's worrying about your boyfriend, it's not hard to be kind. Hope you stay safe and warm and relax a bit tonight.

So, does DS17 ‘behave’ when staying with friends?

Yes but I believe that is because he as mentioned wants peer approval and on sleep overs he is there only a short time.
When he is comfortable with people he cannot hold back and the behaviour comes out.

He is no longer welcome at exs families homes as his behaviour is so awful they cannot cope.
My mum is ill and has DS occasionally but can only manage 1 night. Plus he is scared of my dad.
My father has never harmed or even shouted at DS but he is a massive man biggwr than DS and ex military.
So really it's just me and ex trying to cope hold down jobs and provide a good childhood for the others.

BF was my me time. Someone I love who loves me or so I thought. Maybe I am just so desperate for a break I don't see how unkind he is.

God I feel shit again.

Is there a transition plan for DS17 to start living by himself when he's 18? Just wondering how capable he is of being independent?

We have tried to look at him living alone but he is not capable. Even left for a few hours he has burnt food, left gas rings on, downstairs windows open when he goes out and my front door and back door wide open.

I have talked to him about the young persons housing provision but when we have arranged the appointment he has gone awol.

I do love my son.
I do try and work with him and offer support and solutions but it's never enough.
Today while I was at emergency gp he rang me screaming down the phone that his phone is broken he needs a new one abuse abuse blah blaH.

I ended the call as I was with the gp.
When I got home there was a hole in my bedroom wall.

I am just empty by it all.

No words of wisdom as such OP, just wanted to add my support for the amazing job you do in such difficult circs

Oh OP. It's ridiculous that his behaviour is so outside of typical and yet he has no diagnosis. Glad you got chocolate.

💐💐💐

OP, sorry for saying that your ex was a feckless dad. He obviously isn't. Now that he's living apart from you, do you think he could be more supportive of you as well? Can you two bond together in support of getting your son into independent living, as a force of two combined?

You can't go on like this. I think that if your son is scared of your dad then with that comes respect and perhaps your dad could tell your son that this is enough and he is not to punch holes in your wall nor abuse you. Your son, by default, is engaged in bullying behaviour towards you and that's not on. If he's scared of your dad then bloody good, he should be!

If I were in your position, I'd get rid of the crutch that you are hanging on to in the form of your boyfriend. He's not a boyfriend, he's a fair-weather person and not doing your mental health any good either.

I'm so sorry for you, you sound at the end of your tether. :(

I’m so sorry to hear this, OP. You’re doing an amazing job coping with all of this. I hope you’re snuggled up warm now, and that you sleep well. Stay strong

And you too @Boots20. What an impossibly difficult situation

Please don't apologise.
It's difficult to judge based on a few posts.

Ex had a pizza delivered for me. I didn't ask it just arrived an hour ago.
He knows I don't eat when I am upset.
Hes a good egg.

Nothing from BF.
Says all I need to know really.
I think it's time for bex tomorrow will come faster.

Thank you ALL for your support you wont know how much you have helped me

Sorry from what I can read I’d say , ditch bf, if you want a distraction get a book or a hobby, he sounds like a twat.

Did long reply but got lost. Essence. Sorry things so tough for you. You sound like a lovely mum. Much of your situation sounds familiar.
If you think your concerns (eg poss asd) aren't being listened to then your son, your other children you and his dad are being failed. Have you tried your MP/local Councillor? Their surgeries allow opportunity to discuss the reality of Gvt budget choices. They do have power and can be helpful.
Have you thought about ADHD (or ADD)?
Scope do a parent support scheme. Navigate 08088010510. 6 session. 1st time in 4 years I described my life and didn't feel judged or rubbish. The also research stuff s d had some ideas I'd not thought of. It's free and offers 6 session, by phone at your convenience.

For what it's worth, we did achieve diagnosis. Doesn't make it all better but it absolutely has helped with the aggression and violence. Which has made such a difference.

So sorry you have so much to deal with. :(xxx

Throw him out as soon as you can- it'll be better for the other DCs. He'll be ok- he could get PIP or something and get someone to help him out or something. I have severe mental health problems and I do ok- the house is a bit of a shithole and I live on ready meals but that's no big deal.

If you spoke to social services they could help find him suitable housing/help when the time comes. If you throw him out, due to his health the council will see him as priority need and he'll at least get a room or something.

Wishing you a more peaceful future. Hugs xxxxx

P.S. I was about 40 before I was diagnosed with ADHD with autistic features. It explained a lot. ADHD can effect people's ability to regulate their emotions. No-one would've guessed I had it- I got a good degree but was never really able to work and it took me 3 years longer to finish college/uni than most people. I do have bipolar and at one point they tried to say I also had Borderline, but that was before the ADHD diagnosis and has been supplanted by it. It took 42 years to get all the diagnoses etc sorted out! Even then I still think I have dyspraxia- may get myself assessed one day.

Hopefully it won't take quite as long for them to diagnose your son with something that explains things better, or at least find a treatment that helps better.

Hugs and best wishes xxx

@Shooturlocalmethdealer -I'm sure OP has done virtually everything. Her other kids are ok. Some people are just born different- you say your son has problems too, but maybe they aren't as severe. I agree with you that OP should throw him out, though.

It's only when I saw a private consultant (paid for with my PIP) that he suggested I had ADHD/Autism, which was later confirmed on the NHS. It'd probably be worth you saving and getting him a private assessment.

I do wonder what people think will be achieved with a diagnosis. Also how willing the DS would be to go through the battery of tests required. My DS has been diagnosed but will now not take his medication; he is angry, violent and very challenging. I have asked every agency for help; and have really got very little. Its down to a real lack of available support .

I agree with a pp for the sake of your sanity and other child/ren the best thing would be to tell the ss/council he needs supported housing by such a date as you are kicking him out.

If he can pander to friends he is choosing to bully you as he can get what he wants that way. It's completely different than having no filter at all. Like you said he's scared of your dad isn't that a surprise...

so sorry things are so tough (& I’d like to give your bf a great big shake )

One thing stood out to me - Prozac is linked to increased aggression in teen males (my brother was so incredibly violent when put on it they had to section him)

Hoping Sunday is very kind to you & the chocolate was good!

I agree for your sake and that of your other children he needs to go. Even if you had a diagnosis you can't force him to accept help. He needs to work this out and realise there are boundaries that have been crossed. You do not have to put up with violence in your home from a 6ft4 17 yr old. It sounds terrifying quite frankly.

OP, I know this is an incredibly hard thing to consider but you cannot force someone to accept help if they don’t want it. He’s refusing, so maybe it’s time to step away.

I would seriously recommend that you have your 3 other DC stay somewhere for an evening, then you and your ex sit down with your DS and say, “All right, this is it. You can go into young person housing. We have an appointment at X date. You can go to the appointment or not, but you are leaving our houses in X weeks, so start getting ready. We will not live with your violence any longer.” And then be prepared to call the police if he kicks off.

You cannot live like this. You and your DC shouldn’t have to live under this kind of constant strain. You can love someone but still realize that living with them is a danger to you. It doesn’t mean you love your DS any less; it just means nothing you’ve done has worked, so it’s time to try something different. As for whether he’s capable of living on his own, it’s amazing what abusive people are capable of when they know someone is serious and won’t let them come back no matter how much they tantrum or cause drama or verbally abuse the person or... etc.

You all have my sympathy. I can relate to much of what you said. (I have 2 SEN girls). My sympathy mainly lies with DS, who is crying out for help, but is continually blamed & misunderstood, ironically by people who love him & are trying to help him. If a child acts out then the behaviour needs unpicking to discover the reason.

Unfortunately, when there is a marriage break up, the likes of CAMHS are quick to pass the buck & blame that. Coupled with the fact that in an amicable break-up with semi equal childcare & both working FT, not one parent has the time to dedicate to behaviour management classes or support groups, which are invaluable. I don't mean ones for NT kids btw, I mean specific ones for SEN kids.

That aside, Anxiety presents in many ways, including aggression & violence. Has he tried anti-depressant meds for his anxiety? It can be lifechanging. Have you contacted the challenging behaviour foundation? If not, please do so for urgent advice. Another person, who specialises in stuff like this is a man called Mark Brown. (If you google Mark Brown SEN or Special help 4 special needs), you will find him. I have been to several of his presentations & i know he can advise you. Good luck.

I like the sound of your ex.

Good men aren’t easy to come by

You come across as an absolute saint, OP. And incredibly resilient.
The inadequate support for your son and you as his family is appalling. I wouldn’t last 5 minutes. Please don’t call yourself pathetic. You’re a trooper!