AIBU to just sit here and cry

[Pityparty4one]

As my username suggest I am having a pity party.

I will try and make this as short as possible.
I have 4 DC eldest is DS17. He has major behavioural issues poor mental health and puts a huge strain on the family. He has been with camhs since he was 11.

I have 50 50 with ex and we co parent well.

Yesterday I had the paramedics out as I suffer with asthma and due to a cold my inhaler just was not working. They came treatment given all good. Had ooh gp booked today for script for new inhaler steroids and a spacer.
DC were back with dad today he collected them at 12.

I went to gp got home and was in the process of packing as spending weekend with bf and was meeting him and his mum for lunch.
Just before I left dtwins 13 turned up soaking wet and upset. DS17 had come home to dads and kicked off.
I called ex but phone switched off.
I drove to the house DS17 was there but no sign of ex. He was his usual abusive self towards me.
Anyway eventually found ex who was driving streets looking for dtwins with a flat phone.

I had called bf and said to just order lunch as it had all kicked off and I was running late.
He said "great thanks for messing mum about"
I apologised said there was nothing I could do and still needed to collect my meds.

Went to chemist feeling totally shit as everything was now messed up.
Waited 20 minutes to get served and was told £27 please.
I burst in to tears.
I do not get prescriptions often I mean like a year ago and then its 1 item my inhaler.
This was 3 items.
That £27 was all I had till Tuesday (recently changed jobs so struggling this month)

So I paid now have come home unpacked and I have no milk or bread and no money left to buy any. Plenty of food in so wont starve and dc with dad until Tuesday afternoon but I just feel so sorry for myself.

DS's behaviour ended my marriage and has probably ended my relationship.
He has ruined his siblings childhood as our whole lives have to revolve around him.

I just want to sit here and cry while whining how shit my life is and there is nothing I can do about it.
AIBU...I probably am but will whine anyway

Also sorry it was so long.

I think I'd give BF another chance, in your position. It's an unqualified apology and it speaks well of him that his mother gave him a bollocking.
Also, I hope you can arrange to see the asthma nurse at your surgery, or a different GP, for an asthma review. You need some self care with all this going on.

Oh wow Pityparty4one , I'm in awe of your strength! Keep on doing what you are doing as you are clearly handling things amazingly!

I second wow!
What you have dealt with is truly amazing. Juggling your children, your job, all the problems with DS, BF , health problems, everything - I hope you know how strong and wonderful you are. You've had some great advice and wise words so I don't have anything to add apart from I hope at some point you look back on all this and think 'actually I am quite amazing aren't I and i deserve a treat and some happiness '. - because you truly do

I think you would struggle to find anyone who wouldn't be crying after having a day like yours. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Seems like everything is happening at once for you. Do you have support in place for your child from GP or a specialist? If not then maybe you really need to consider getting some support for your sake and also his. I hope you have a better day tomorrow.

Look you don’t need to take your DS’ abuse and neither do your other kids. He’s 17 - you could just tell CAMHS / social services enough is enough and you need to kick him out as he’s a danger to your other kids.

have the last 2 posts actually read the whole thread?

It appears they have not Liveby

So update on BF.
He text the following.

I am so sorry. Please post this on your thread

I never understood what you got out of mumsnet. Reading that has changed my mind. They have supported you like I should have. I already felt like a complete shit but I feel much worse now and so I should.

I should have been there for you and I was too busy being pissed off to see that this wasn't just a normal kick off.
I am sorry and I will make it up to you xxx

P.S I swear my mums on here some of those posts telling me off sounded just like her. smile

He is noway near in the clear but I do think we can sort this out.

Throck & Liveby thank you for your kind words. I feel like a terrible mother for a 100 reasons but once I see DS doing well I am sure I will feel better.

Billy yes they are going to sort out his MH first then work on his education/work. DS has said he would like to do an apprenticeship.

Pity
What a week / 6 years you and your family have been through. This last week sounds like a week from hell and in the circumstances you have both been fantastic parents. I have cried my way through some of your updates.

While your bf has been a bit of an ass I think dont think from what I have read, that he is a bad guy overall. Just misread the situation. His mum sounds awesome.

What a lovely text from your BF!
I truly hope you can work it out with him - it was a good move letting him see this thread. Sometimes the written word is more powerful than the spoken one.
I think, however awful things have been for your son, family and you, that it needed to get to this point for things to change and to hear your son has shown an interest in an apprenticeship is great progress and you must be very proud and deservingly so too.
Please don't say you have been a terrible mother - that simply is not true. Quite the opposite actually - I'm sure I'm not alone when I say you've been truly remarkable. I'm sure you've inspired others too

Pity Your boy friend sounds truly contrite and I think that is a good thing.

My dh has nol idea what I get out of Mumsnet but I know I get support on line, which is very helpful.

Just take a day at a time, with boyfriend and with ds.

I wanted to ask about Christmas day, are you considering having him back at your house for the day or meeting him out somewhere? I think you will just need to manage it very carefully, especially if anyone is drinking as it can move things in the wrong direction!

Good luck. You are doing brilliantly.

You are an AWESOME mother!! Now get yourself a cuppa or a drink - you deserve it!!

Now my gran would say, "Fine words butter no parsnips..." but, I'm more lenient Pity, we have it in writing now that your boyfriend is going to support you. We are legion - and if his mum is on here then he has nowhere to hide.

I hope he walks the walk; he sounds like he means it.

He's not an estate agent though, is he...?

He's not an estate agent though, is he...?

Ha ha no he's an IT manager

Christmas day is a play it by ear affair at the moment Italian.
I told DS we would see how everything is before we decide. He is actually at his gf in the afternoon so only the morning will be with me.

Ahh Throck I would kill for a pint if I'm honest 🍻

Please know that your words of support and guidance have got me through the last week.
If anyone ever tells me MN is just full of nasty women I am going to show them this thread. Xx

OP I've just read this whole thread, and I think you sound like an absolutely amazing mum.

Just wanted to say that I was in a very similar situation to your son 10 years ago. My parents kicked me out at 16, and I was placed in a young person's hostel similar to the one he's in. I was taking a lot of drugs, involved with some dodgy people, and very volatile (I have ADHD, though only got diagnosed last year).

There were certainly ups and downs, and a lot of bad decisions and lessons to be learnt on the way, but it was absolutely the right thing for my mum to do.

I now rent a lovely house, and am saving hard to buy. I'm building a good career, have got a degree, am currently studying for another. I have a lovely 4yo DD who is everything to me (and my mum and dad).

I feel a bit sick every time I think about what I put my mum through. She told me she used to lay awake every night for years, both before and after she kicked me out, worrying about me.

We're very close now, and she text me about an hour ago just to say how proud she was to be my mum. He'll get there, OP. You made the right decision. Hope you find some peace

@KnowBetterDoBetter - what an inspiration post that I'm sure the OP will appreciate. Well done for turning your life around. Heart warming

Hi OP, I work in supported housing and I'm really pleased your DS got a place so quickly. I was coming on to the thread to say that SS are obliged to house him if you make him homeless and that I think they gave you the wrong information when you approached them before, but obviously things have moved on which sounds like the right decision for all of you. I believe it varies a bit but he should get a lot of support if it's anything like my service. If he's claiming UC he can get an advance quite quickly which might help if you're struggling to fund his food and rent for the first month.

Know

Thank you for sharing your story. Hope is all I have right now and reading your post as made me hope DS takes the opportunity like you did.
I am so happy you are close to your mum. I love DS with all I have and I know he has the potential to do well and be happy.

Need I think ss just did not want to help us as we were not "as bad" as some families they were dealing with so it was cost and time effective to just let us get on with it.

Know that was a lovely post to read. I'm so glad you turned things around.

OP just sending you good vibes. You sound better. That was a nice message from your bf. And he does sound like he has a lovely mother, should be a good sign. I'm glad you saw DS today. I think the Christmas thing was good.

@Pityparty4one - how are you doing today?

I wrote DS a letter.
I know this may sound stupid but at the moment he has no phone so it's like he is in prison. But I know he's not.

I still feel like a shit mum but the positive change in the other DC is massive!!
We are all so much more relaxed and happy.
I feel so guilty.

Writing a letter is a really good thing to do, I love receiving proper handwritten letters, they feel so much more personal as well. He may even keep it, its good to have something physical.

@KnowBetterDoBetter you're an absolute inspiration - so glad you have salvaged your relationship with your mum. 

@PityParty4one it must be so hard for you right now. Sending strength.

Sometimes it takes a crisis to get the help you need.

Best wishes as you adjust to the new situation.

Stop saying you're a shit Mum - I'm really telling you off now!.
You could not have carried on the way you were. For your sake, for your other DC and your DS. This needed to happen for you all.
Writing a letter is lovely. He will feel important still and hopefully realise this had to happen in order for things to change.
you have nothing to feel guilty about. You were/are doing things to protect yourself, your DC and your DS.
I imagine as this has been going on for so long that this feels alien? Your DC being calmer, not walking on eggshells all the time. Hopefully this will be your new normal now and slowly intergrating your DS too with time, support and help.