AIBU to just sit here and cry

[Pityparty4one]

As my username suggest I am having a pity party.

I will try and make this as short as possible.
I have 4 DC eldest is DS17. He has major behavioural issues poor mental health and puts a huge strain on the family. He has been with camhs since he was 11.

I have 50 50 with ex and we co parent well.

Yesterday I had the paramedics out as I suffer with asthma and due to a cold my inhaler just was not working. They came treatment given all good. Had ooh gp booked today for script for new inhaler steroids and a spacer.
DC were back with dad today he collected them at 12.

I went to gp got home and was in the process of packing as spending weekend with bf and was meeting him and his mum for lunch.
Just before I left dtwins 13 turned up soaking wet and upset. DS17 had come home to dads and kicked off.
I called ex but phone switched off.
I drove to the house DS17 was there but no sign of ex. He was his usual abusive self towards me.
Anyway eventually found ex who was driving streets looking for dtwins with a flat phone.

I had called bf and said to just order lunch as it had all kicked off and I was running late.
He said "great thanks for messing mum about"
I apologised said there was nothing I could do and still needed to collect my meds.

Went to chemist feeling totally shit as everything was now messed up.
Waited 20 minutes to get served and was told £27 please.
I burst in to tears.
I do not get prescriptions often I mean like a year ago and then its 1 item my inhaler.
This was 3 items.
That £27 was all I had till Tuesday (recently changed jobs so struggling this month)

So I paid now have come home unpacked and I have no milk or bread and no money left to buy any. Plenty of food in so wont starve and dc with dad until Tuesday afternoon but I just feel so sorry for myself.

DS's behaviour ended my marriage and has probably ended my relationship.
He has ruined his siblings childhood as our whole lives have to revolve around him.

I just want to sit here and cry while whining how shit my life is and there is nothing I can do about it.
AIBU...I probably am but will whine anyway

Also sorry it was so long.

Cleaning can help with stress- good idea.
I hope you’re eating a bit today.

@PityPart4one This is all an incredibly difficult situation for you all. I don't have suggestions - it sounds as if everything you could access has been tried, and that your DS isn't engaging in some of it.

The weed will definitely be a factor, as you've mentioned. But with a 17 yr old, how do you address this? Do you mind if I ask where he gets money for it? Would you be able to refuse him all money?

I'm struggling with my own DS, with other issues, but he's 21 with his own money.

For now, sending you a hug, a coffee, biscuits & a shoulder. I've had a good old crying few weeks, so I've got tissues aplenty and a huge sofa & 2 cuddly dogs. Pop round.

Cannabis withdrawal causes terrible rage. I'm sorry OP. I'd look for support for yourself in Nar-Anon or similar.

Queen
He was working until recently.
He steals it.
He sells his belongings. Our belongings.
He bullies and lies to get it from us.

I have spoken to the ex and we have decided that out next step is getting him out.
We can't bring ourselves to just kick him out its not that easy but next week we will be making it clear he has to leave and we will start the process with him to access the young persons housing.

I had suspected this. Such a terrible situation.

I can't imagine how tough it must be to decide he has to leave, but there seems to be no other solution.

Your ex sounds great & you're both on the same page. Hopefully other people on here might know about where he could move to.

I wonder if there's a support group that could help you with this?

It seems like the sort of thing where there's a good way to handle it and a poor way to handle it, and it will take experience to know which is which...

Lannie

There are no support groups as such in my area for our situation.
There are parenting classes. We have done that turns out they said we are good parents.
Support groups for the under 5s.
Support groups for the teenager.

None for the parents.

Over the years I have come to realise shame plays a massive part in this.

Anon forums have provided support like here but in real life parents like us are just too ashamed to say out loud that their teenager bullies them and literally has us running scared.
We have professional jobs, are good providers and good parents. None of our families children beheave in this way so nobody understands.

The amount of times others have said it's our fault we should have been tougher/smacked him/punished him better/got help sooner/handed him to ss/parented better the list goes on.

It's wearing but in truth when Monday comes we will start it all again. We have to.

He's an addict, OP. You need to get help and support on how to deal with an addict. His behaviour won't be different from all the other addicts. It's a pattern and there are tried and tested ways to support yourself through it.

Lying, stealing, extreme moods, extreme selfishness, violence. All normal addict behaviour.

I don't believe there are any addicts that don't have underlying mental health issues - if they didn't they wouldn't be addicts. But the behaviours are all the same. Some might not be physically violent. Some might just be selfish to the point of neglect.

I think people struggle with recognising an addiction to cannabis as it's not a class A drug, or somehow seen as harmless.

If he has anxiety he'll be finding short term relief in getting stoned. But the amount required will be more and more, and the withdrawal will cause rage.

Is there Nar-Anon anywhere near you, OP?

@Pityparty4one

What was the outcome with GP appts and CAHMS? Did they say there was nothing wrong or that they couldn't diagnose a MH issue? Did you/DS get signed off?

You and your family ARE experiencing DV from your DS. Did the support workers not agree?

Just because he's a drug user, doesn't mean he's a drug addict. The effects of cannabis are vastly underplayed in popular culture especially in young men- but his behaviour is not psychotic.

I think making a hole in a wall in rage is fairly extreme. And if he's stealing in order to get drugs I'd be surprised if he's not addicted tbh.

I k is you have tried loads of things and I know you will have loads of suggestions but I just wanted to suggest MIND. Our local MIND service is awesome. At 17 he will probably qualify for loads of help and they cab also provide family support. They can help with drug use and housing too and they have very few ‘qualifying criteria’.

It’s likely that your local branch if MIND will have some kind of drop in so at the very least you could explain it all and they may be able to help. I know a lot of it will hinge on him cooperating so that is a draw back. If you live in or near a big town, it’s likely that there is a lot of help outside of the ‘system’ that isn’t so well publicised.

I hope the cleaning is helping to keep you occupied and sorry you’ve had such an awful weekend. Take care

What was the outcome with GP appts and CAHMS? Did they say there was nothing wrong or that they couldn't diagnose a MH issue? Did you/DS get signed off

Aged 11 to 13.
Monthly meetings at the school with hoy and at least 6 professionals from the local ss.
His educationn was discussed as was our parenting at length.
Therapy set up but due to waiting times it didn't start until he was 12. Diagnosed anxiety and depression.
He had it every week for a year but due to the therapist being sick and no replacement he missed out on 3 months worth.
Aged 13-16
Moved 3 times to 3 different provision schools. 1St school ok but funding cut so closed after 8 months.
2nd school fantastic! DS thrived they did a fantastic job.
Then his funding was cut and we were told he was not doing enough core subjects as this school focused on pratical subjects...DS excelled at these but struggled with english and maths.
So they convinced us brand new million pound school would be better. We trusted them.
It was a disaster. Even our ss team admitted it was bad and not supportive of the pupils. It closed 16 months after opening.
CAHMS not involved as local ss team felt good support was in place.
More parenting classes for ex and me.

15 to now ss team signed themselves off when DS refused to go back to school 3 aged nearly 16.

Ex and I fought to get him a place in college. He attended sporadically Sept 2017 until he stopped going around November 18.
Jan 2019 ambulance called by me as he locked himself in the bathroom with a razor.
Taken to a and e and CAHMS referral made.
CAHMS appointment attended in Feb 19 told to go to gp for medication.

Gp appointment attended fluoxatine prescribed.

During all these years the violence increased. We had regular police involvement we begged for your offenders to get involved which they did at 14 but after 1 phonecall with his worker he went sick nobody picked it up. We engaged them again aged 15 but the worker was not interested as at that time DS had committed no crime.
Ss agreed we were in a DV situation.
Police agreed.
They just wrote it in the minutes and offered sympathy.

October 2019 DS took an overdose but didn't iyswin.

Back to gp who will no longer prescribe antidepressants due to overdose.

Another CAHMS meeting in November no real outcome. DS refuses to attended anymore appointments as he states they do nothing and have not helped for 6 years

So now here we are.

I’m so sorry. I can’t tell you just how many parallels there are with my brother - he was diagnosed as schizophrenic age 18. Cannabis made the voices quieter & reduced his anxiety; what we saw as an addiction his psychiatrist described as self medicating.
He also abused & still abuses alcohol as an escape.

So he has no diagnosis, of a LD or anything else. E.g. ADHD, ODD. Perhaps he’s just not a nice person.

And the drugs - they have a huge effect on his behaviour and what he does - eg stealing - to get money. He’s never going to improve when he’s on drugs.

Op, I do feel for you. It sounds very difficult, as it goes against all our parenting instincts, but I think getting him to move out will be best for all of you. He needs to be responsible for himself, learn how much things cost, learn how to look after himself and also learn that actions have consequences.

He’s well over the age of criminal responsibility. Have you thought about reporting him to the police?

So he has no diagnosis, of a LD or anything else. E.g. ADHD, ODD. Perhaps he’s just not a nice person.

They have refused to test for anything else despite our pleas.
Anxiety and depression is what they are sticking to.

No he is not very nice but occasionally we see a tiny bit of nice even if he has nothing to gain from being nice.

He states the weed chills him out. Stops the negative thoughts. Help him sleep.
He won't accept it has side affects.

Have you thought about reporting him to the police?

They know him by name
When he was 15 his dad called the police as he was trashing the house. The arrested him.
Brought him to my house and I refused to accept a violent male in to my home as I was alone. The police were shocked at my refusal.
They called me 4 hours later to collect him from the station.
They stood there while he said the following to me when I collected him.
I am not going home with that fat slag.
She's a fucking cut.

I fucking hate her.

The police said nothing.
Handed him his grinder back and showed us the door.
Luckily my parents took him for 3 days so we had some time to regroup.

Can I just apologise for my shocking name change fails.
I am not used to it so sorry if it makes the thread hard to read.

Hopefully nailed it this time

Update on bf.

Hes been in touch.

Said if I needed his support I should have asked.
I said I shouldn't need to ask for support I was crying on the phone surely that was enough.
He said I have let him down and he has nothing to apologise for it was my choice to go home and not go to the pub to see him and his mum.
I tried to explain what a state I was in and that I had no money and was not fit to go to the pub but he refuses to accept that. Still says I chose not to ask for help and shut myself away.

I am ashamed to admit I have self harmed. Last night. First time ever and I can't explain why I did it other than I thought fuck it it might work.
It didn't and I wont be doing it again.

I feel so alone.
GP appointment will be booked tomorrow I cannot continue like this I am scared I will crumble completely and my dc need me.

Thank you all so much for your support.
MN at it's best

Jesus, OP. Honestly, go to Nar-Anon. I know the cannabis use is due to his mental health, but as I said I don't think there's an addict out there that aren't using to block something out. I'm sure the cannabis does help with his anxiety when he has enough of it to stop him feeling.

You need support and a system of self care.

@Pityparty4one

I am so sorry, it seems that you have been let down time and again by the system, hence DS no longer wants to engage. He may well feel there's no point, he'll be let down again due to cuts or lack of specialists continuing care, hence self meds with cannabis.

The LA and Govt should be ashamed of the funding cuts that lead to a lack of support for your DS and your family. They have left you and other frontline systems to pick up the pieces, it's shameful. I am so sorry.

I would for yourself see the GP as it sounds like you are one straw away from breaking the camels back. I wish I could say more, but I can give you these

Sorry your BG sounds like a dick. He should be coming to yours after the lunch with take away and treats for you, not just being moody with you

*BF

Christ, OP, this is painful to read. You have done an amazing job to keep going and keep advocating for him.

Your timeline of inadequate provision should go to your MP. I don’t know if you’d feel like doing that, but you have now already written it out very clearly. It’s a very clear indictment of the system that should have supported you all. The reluctance to properly assess him is incomprehensible.

To the PP who said, “Perhaps he’s just not a nice person.” His behaviour is certainly not “nice”, but he has been let down repeatedly by MH services from a very young age.

OP, there's a whole great crowd of posters on this thread who wish we could give you practical support. We wish we had the answers. We wish we had the influence (apart from at the ballot box) to get your situation heard and addressed.

We wish we could give you, all 4 of your DC and your ex a stable and happy family environment.

I for one feel useless, powerless and frustrated.
But I am full of admiration for how you've all coped so far. How you've kept trying even though it must feel futile.

Please go to see your GP tomorrow to talk about your own health. You are, in effect, a carer. Careers need support and respite. Maybe that's another angle you could try to force access to adequate care for your DS?

@PityParty4one oh love - this is too much for you to bear, I can't believe how massively you've been let down. I think you mentioned in an early post that with you & ExH being obviously good parents, you are overlooked. I honestly think this is what's at play. I was given a referral to SS & they called me once, said "oh you're ok", wrote a letter to that effect & that was it. I had been referred by the police & my GP.

I hope your GP can give you some support.

I self-harm, and I understand how fucking awful you must be feeling right now. Keep yourself safe, just do the bare minimum but be kind to yourself (think of all the kindness from the MNers). If you feel unsafe, do you have someone to reach out to? If you wouldn't talk to your parents (totally understand), there will be a crisis team contact you can access, or any A&E will have a duty psychiatrist if you feel like you are very unsafe. Not to be patronising, please don't think that, but these are resources I have needed.