Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just sit here and cry

340 replies

Pityparty4one · 23/11/2019 15:02

As my username suggest I am having a pity party.

I will try and make this as short as possible.
I have 4 DC eldest is DS17. He has major behavioural issues poor mental health and puts a huge strain on the family. He has been with camhs since he was 11.

I have 50 50 with ex and we co parent well.

Yesterday I had the paramedics out as I suffer with asthma and due to a cold my inhaler just was not working. They came treatment given all good. Had ooh gp booked today for script for new inhaler steroids and a spacer.
DC were back with dad today he collected them at 12.

I went to gp got home and was in the process of packing as spending weekend with bf and was meeting him and his mum for lunch.
Just before I left dtwins 13 turned up soaking wet and upset. DS17 had come home to dads and kicked off.
I called ex but phone switched off.
I drove to the house DS17 was there but no sign of ex. He was his usual abusive self towards me.
Anyway eventually found ex who was driving streets looking for dtwins with a flat phone.

I had called bf and said to just order lunch as it had all kicked off and I was running late.
He said "great thanks for messing mum about"
I apologised said there was nothing I could do and still needed to collect my meds.

Went to chemist feeling totally shit as everything was now messed up.
Waited 20 minutes to get served and was told £27 please.
I burst in to tears.
I do not get prescriptions often I mean like a year ago and then its 1 item my inhaler.
This was 3 items.
That £27 was all I had till Tuesday (recently changed jobs so struggling this month)

So I paid now have come home unpacked and I have no milk or bread and no money left to buy any. Plenty of food in so wont starve and dc with dad until Tuesday afternoon but I just feel so sorry for myself.

DS's behaviour ended my marriage and has probably ended my relationship.
He has ruined his siblings childhood as our whole lives have to revolve around him.

I just want to sit here and cry while whining how shit my life is and there is nothing I can do about it.
AIBU...I probably am but will whine anyway Smile

Also sorry it was so long.

OP posts:
Silencedwitness · 26/11/2019 18:29

You’ve really been through it haven’t you. I have two children with autism so can relate a little about the shouting and the walking on egg shells. It sounds like positive steps have been made. He knows you’re there for him and that he’s loved. You and your ex sound like lovely parents. I hope it all works out and remember to take care of yourself too.

madmumofteens · 26/11/2019 18:30

Another great update OP so glad to hear he is safe and is settling in to his accommodation now start looking after yourself a bit more you need to 💐

iMatter · 26/11/2019 19:01

So good to see your update OP Smile

Wishing you and all your family all the very best Thanks

WeePinklet · 26/11/2019 20:11

Thinking of you again this evening OP - great news on your updates Flowers

I’m very happy that you now have a better idea of what is going on. As a couple of PPs have said, though, I think you should be careful about doing too much for him, as this is the time he needs to learn about what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour, and that his previous choices have had consequences, and to begin to take some responsibility for himself.

I think you should also continue to be careful of the authorities. It will always be about resources and money to them, and so they will be keen to get your son back to you and off their hands as soon as you’re willing to take him. Because you love your son, and you’re delighted to see even a little bit of progress, it’s perfectly natural that you might give in to pressure to take him back too soon. Hopefully that won’t happen, because first your son needs to learn that he can’t treat you and his family as he has done in the past.

Keep being strong - you’re amazing Flowers

MadeForThis · 26/11/2019 20:11

Well done.

ssd · 26/11/2019 20:19

Fab, really fab Flowers

cakeandchampagne · 26/11/2019 20:22

Being respectful of his new space (when he was sleeping) is such a nice example of how you’ve treated him.
It sounds like he is in the right place & will do well.

ShawshanksRedemption · 26/11/2019 20:28

So good to read your updates @Pityparty4one and that DS1 has finally got the direct support he has so desperately needed for some time. I hope he stays engaged with the support and continues to settle and have some peace in his life.

I also hope you are now able to give your own health (physical and mental) some priority, as well as that of your other DC.

Alwayshangryhangry · 26/11/2019 20:41

@5zeds this is lovely advice

Apileofballyhoo · 26/11/2019 22:18

I'm so pleased OP. Enjoy the respite. Flowers

QueenOfOversharing · 26/11/2019 23:17

@PityParty4one m just catching up & am in tears reading your updates. So glad things are going so well - it sounds like exactly what you've all needed for such a long time.

The update where you said DS face timed & repeatedly told you he loves you had me in pieces! I had a bit of a breakthrough with my DS a few weeks ago & it was very emotional. Also the first time he had told me he loves me in years. So I am right there with you.

Sending hugs, and lots of love. Thanks

SuzieSunshine · 26/11/2019 23:29

I've just read your thread OP and have been reduced to tears. You and your ex come across as incredibly caring parents who have had no other option than to have DS removed from the family homes. Hopefully now he is being seen by the various authorities and with the relevant help, he will be able to visit you in time and have a nice quality visit with you all. I have nothing to add to help but just to say that you and your ex have done the right thing. It's just so sad that it has taken this long for you to be taken seriously. You really must start looking after yourself now and thinking about YOU though. I'm sending you everything I can think of to support you and am thinking of you. Do keep updating OP, the support for you on here is amazing.

Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons · 27/11/2019 00:05

Wonderful update. So angry that it takes absolute desperation before the system works.
Please don’t make the mistake my mother did & help too much etc the second time the crisis point was far far worse & could have been fatal
keep telling social workers you will/can not take responsibility for him because of your need to protect your other children

Did you remember to do something nice for yourself? Flowers

Bunney2020 · 27/11/2019 00:33

OP I have no advise but honestly you so strong and you’re doing brilliantly. You and your ex sound like a well functioning team and that is super important!

This may be the fresh start your son needs. To have responsibilities and independence and no one else to blame for his problems. It could be the making of him. Wishing you all the best Flowers

Bunney2020 · 27/11/2019 00:35

So angry that it takes absolute desperation before the system works.
Yes! It’s frustrating because if the measures were put in place years ago things could be very different for thousands of families! It’s disgraceful.

Original poster
Pityparty4one · 27/11/2019 07:28

Good morning.

It's so lovely to wake up to your messages.
I am sorry to read you also have struggled Queen please know you are not alone ((hug))

DS called last night. He was upset he is scared and said he feels all alone.
I stayed firm but reminded him he is loved still part of this family he has just moved out which is what eventually happens for us all when we grow up.

I talked about how this is a fantastic opportunity that most young people don't get to set up a home with this much support and it is all for his benefit.
As heartbreaking as it was to think of my son sat lonely in a room in a strange place I know he will be fine. He needs this and so do the rest of us.

Speaking to the staff yesterday they made it clear DS lives there now. There is no going back he has moved out and they will not let ss bully us ( staff said they are well aware of ss and the pressure they put on families).

I am slowly coming down to earth I think. It's been such a distressing few day years.
I am angry that my family has had to go through so much trauma to get the support we needed from those who are supposed to be there to help.

I have the other DC back with me for the next 4 days and we are going to do normal family stuff without the constant threat of DS kicking off...which will be new!

OP posts:
Frownette · 27/11/2019 07:33

What's happening with boyfriend now?

So glad you have peace and quiet and DS is getting help with issues.

Ex sounds like a star.

Fleetheart · 27/11/2019 07:35

Sounds really really encouraging; and I think you are right, he needs to feel upset and scared. He needs to realise that the price we pay for emotional security and living with our families is that you have to be kind and nice to them. It’s important that he feels the power of the difference as it will make him think about why this has happened. Have a good few days Flowers

billybagpuss · 27/11/2019 07:39

I am angry that my family has had to go through so much trauma to get the support we needed from those who are supposed to be there to help

This is what makes me so sad for your situation and so many like you, the system is so unfit for purpose that unless you are on the brink you are so far down the list it’s pointless, no one should have to suffer what your family has before they get help.

TheRightHonerable · 27/11/2019 07:40

At 17 if DS was still behaving like this and having such a negative impact on siblings lives I’m afraid to say I’d be closing my home to him. I understand the need for responsible supportive parenting but I don’t understand how this always seems to be applied to the ‘problem’ child but not the siblings living with it who equally deserve protection.

billy1966 · 27/11/2019 07:59

Another deeply positive update. Of course this is strange and new, but it is so positive for him.

I hope it will be the making of him.

For him to be with such skilled, experienced people, finally, is great.

No doubt they have seen it all, and will be several steps ahead of him, to help him navigate this transition.

Don't underestimate just how exhausted you are going to feel in the coming months, as you dial down the extremely high levels of stress you have been living under.

Hopefully your GP will give you the support you need too.

Wishing your family every success as you move into a hopefully much calmer space.
💐

Fleetheart · 27/11/2019 08:04

@TheRightHonerable, have you actually RTFT?

Original poster
Pityparty4one · 27/11/2019 08:09

At 17 if DS was still behaving like this and having such a negative impact on siblings lives I’m afraid to say I’d be closing my home to him.

We have but honestly doing that is not easy.
He has serious mental health issues. Nowhere to go and frankly he would not survive street homelessness.
SS do not offer alternatives. They really do force you to keep him in the home even when they know the impact it has on the other children. They talk about parental responsibility, they emotionally blackmail you to the point where they told us horror stories of children kicked out of home. They made it impossible to to do what was needed to protect all of our DC while not helping us.

OP posts:
Frownette · 27/11/2019 08:17

Pity it's just not viable keeping him at home, you've found a solution now. If you need to help him out with food until his benefits are sorted that's your way of showing you care and being there for him.

Bet ex is relieved as well. It's not just a case of him being 'naughty' he needs more specialist help than you can give.

BustedDreams · 27/11/2019 08:24

@Pityparty4one Wow lady, you have done brilliantly under such difficult circumstances. Pleased to hear your ds is receiving the support he needs and you and your family are getting respite. Your love for your son shines through. Flowers