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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just sit here and cry

340 replies

Pityparty4one · 23/11/2019 15:02

As my username suggest I am having a pity party.

I will try and make this as short as possible.
I have 4 DC eldest is DS17. He has major behavioural issues poor mental health and puts a huge strain on the family. He has been with camhs since he was 11.

I have 50 50 with ex and we co parent well.

Yesterday I had the paramedics out as I suffer with asthma and due to a cold my inhaler just was not working. They came treatment given all good. Had ooh gp booked today for script for new inhaler steroids and a spacer.
DC were back with dad today he collected them at 12.

I went to gp got home and was in the process of packing as spending weekend with bf and was meeting him and his mum for lunch.
Just before I left dtwins 13 turned up soaking wet and upset. DS17 had come home to dads and kicked off.
I called ex but phone switched off.
I drove to the house DS17 was there but no sign of ex. He was his usual abusive self towards me.
Anyway eventually found ex who was driving streets looking for dtwins with a flat phone.

I had called bf and said to just order lunch as it had all kicked off and I was running late.
He said "great thanks for messing mum about"
I apologised said there was nothing I could do and still needed to collect my meds.

Went to chemist feeling totally shit as everything was now messed up.
Waited 20 minutes to get served and was told £27 please.
I burst in to tears.
I do not get prescriptions often I mean like a year ago and then its 1 item my inhaler.
This was 3 items.
That £27 was all I had till Tuesday (recently changed jobs so struggling this month)

So I paid now have come home unpacked and I have no milk or bread and no money left to buy any. Plenty of food in so wont starve and dc with dad until Tuesday afternoon but I just feel so sorry for myself.

DS's behaviour ended my marriage and has probably ended my relationship.
He has ruined his siblings childhood as our whole lives have to revolve around him.

I just want to sit here and cry while whining how shit my life is and there is nothing I can do about it.
AIBU...I probably am but will whine anyway Smile

Also sorry it was so long.

OP posts:
Apileofballyhoo · 25/11/2019 22:20

OP still thinking of you. I'm glad he contacted you.

It's such a rollercoaster. I hope you get a night's sleep tonight.

madmumofteens · 25/11/2019 22:27

So glad he contacted you OP I hope you are reassured he is ok xx

Italiangreyhound · 26/11/2019 01:39

"I am on the verge of collapse I am overwhelmed." Of course, it must be terrible but I feel you have been through the hardest bit. The next phase will be hard but you must feel a sense of relief too and you and your ex are pulling together so hang on in there. XXXXX Thanks

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 26/11/2019 04:43

Oh my goodness, you are beyond amazing. There are seriously no words I can use to tell you how amazing I think you are - and your ex DH.
I'm heavily pregnant, hormonal, sitting in a hammock in Australia and have just read this entire thread. I can not believe how let down you no your ex DH have been by the authorities. You've been through SO much, it's unreal. I know you probably don't feel amazing but your story has touched me so much.... I'm actually sat here in said hammock with tears down my face.

Your DS will know you love him. He'll know he has overstepped boundaries for a very long time and that his actions have caused this consequence. He will know that he can't act like that again and I bet you he will work very hard to not hot rock bottom like this again. I bet he will test the boundaries again but he realises now that you and your ex are only human and you have your limits.
You sound like a bloody amazing mother. Your ex DH sounds like a bloody amazing father. I'm glad you two (and ALL of your children) are such an amazing team. Your ds will thank you in a few years time. Don't you worry about that. The other kids will always thank you for putting them first and being so cooperative with their father.
Truly, you are inspirational. I'm in total awe as I know I would have cracked many years before you.

As for that BF, he is not fu@king worthy of you madam. Your ex DH has shown you what a real man is, so my wish is for you to find someone like him who you can have that magic chemistry with. And the same for him, I hope he finds someone too.

But honestly, yours and your ex DH's maturity, ability to parent cooperatively and still looking out for one another (the pizza OMG!), all while going through all you've both been through, is highly commendable. Go tell him that.

Love and hugs, things will get better, I promise.

billy1966 · 26/11/2019 07:09

That's emotional to read OP.

I'm so glad he called.
He is in the best place now for himself and the family even though it is so difficult.

Hopefully he will get help and this will get easier all round.

You so deserve that.

I hope you got some sleep.
💐

Hepsibar · 26/11/2019 07:34

Have you thought about Care for the eldest so the others at least have chance for their GCSEs and some sort of future?

Original poster
Pityparty4one · 26/11/2019 07:38

Morning.

Thank you again for the support its so much needed.
Hello your hammock sounds perfect I am green with envy Grin

I pretty much did collapse last night.
The roller coaster of emotions was too much and I just crumpled in to bed.

Knowing he was safe and had a bed made so much difference yesterday.
I have no idea what the plan is going forward only that where he is now is longterm for as long as he needs it.

He said he has to stay there and behave for 4 days then he can meet me which he wants to do but he must return back at the agreed time.

I am hoping an adult calls me today and gives me some idea of their plan.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pityparty4one · 26/11/2019 07:40

Hep
You may want to read the thread Smile

OP posts:
Apileofballyhoo · 26/11/2019 07:44

Glad you slept. Hope somebody contacts you. And I hope this is some kind of turning point for your DS. Flowers

Gazelda · 26/11/2019 08:05

I'm so pleased you've had this conversation with him. He knows you love him. You know he loves you. That must mean the world to you right now.

OP, at the risk of bursting the happy mood, can I ask if you've been to the docs yet? I strongly feel that you need to let them know the stress you're going through, and how it led to self harming at the weekend. Let someone care for you. Thanks

Italiangreyhound · 26/11/2019 08:13

Please OP prioritize your health at tgis time. Flowers

Original poster
Pityparty4one · 26/11/2019 08:21

I have an appointment booked for Thursday and I am working from home today so can rest a bit.
I will admit I am rubbish at caring for myself so a kick up the arse is always welcome Grin

Just spoke to ex who is feeling better but doesn't know what to do now.
He's currently washing DS's clothes to put another bag together for him.
We don't know if we need to provide money? Food?
I suppose we need to wait until somebody calls us.

OP posts:
Throwawayteachere · 26/11/2019 08:53

You have been so strong, let yourself cry when you need to, it is lovely to read you and your ex have been such a support for each other during everything. I am sure your son will now get the help he needs and your other children will be happier. I am sure all your children know you love them as well Flowers

CottonSock · 26/11/2019 10:53

My goodness op, your thread has moved on so much. Do get some rest and see the gp. You need to look after yourself and your other kids. Your ds is safe. You are doing amazingly to carry on working. Perhaps some parental leave or something would help you.

Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons · 26/11/2019 11:00

Consider your self care arse kicked Flowers

Original poster
Pityparty4one · 26/11/2019 11:46

Thank you Gib Grin

OK so another update.

I finally found out where he is and spoke to an adult!

DS is in a young persons hostal.
It is staffed 24/7 and he has a key worker.
They will support him to access MH services benefits GP and other support.

He has freedom but a kerfew and boundaries.
He has to provide his own food cook and clean for himself and pay a weekly rent of £7.27p Smile

He will stay there for a few months until his MH support is in place and he is engaging.
He will then move to a trainer flat where he still has a key worker but they work on teaching him to pay bills clean and take care of himself and his home.
Once they are happy he can do that they will support him with employment and then in to a council flat.

I have dropped off food for him more clothes and paid 2 weeks rent.
I declined to go in as DS was asleep and I feel he needs to invite me himself as this is his space now and I need to respect that.
Did I do the right thing?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 26/11/2019 12:36

Absolutely the right thing.

What a positive update.

What a pity families are driven to the absolute edge before they can be helped.

💐

Apileofballyhoo · 26/11/2019 12:38

You did the right thing. I'd be wary of providing too much food or money. I'm so glad he's somewhere safe.

Cmagic7 · 26/11/2019 13:27

Just read the whole thread. OP - you are a very strong person.

This could really be the beginning of something really positive! This could be the making of him, and your new relationship with him might be better than it ever has been.

Nobody who has taken the time to read your story thinks you haven't tried hard enough because you really have. I have nothing but admiration for you and wish you the happy life you and your family deserve.

BarbaraStrozzi · 26/11/2019 13:58

That's a very good outcome - very pleased for both of you.

Yes, I think you did absolutely the right thing waiting for an invitation.

TheSerenDipitY · 26/11/2019 14:04

well done, stay strong and stay firm, he has no incentive to get help and behave if he knows you will let him back in so soon
sometimes tough love is all that is left...

when you go to the doctors ask about trying SYMBICORT and the SMART asthma plan , im on it and have been for many years and i no longer have attacks, no longer need Ventolin ( hes stopped prescribing it for me) it is so good you wont know you have asthma... ive had my son put on it too, why let him struggle to keep it under control when symbicort removes all the struggle and using of spacers and preventers and relievers and other steroids... its a miracle drug!!!!

billybagpuss · 26/11/2019 14:32

Wow that’s an amazing update, i’m So pleased you have been able to access this level of care, it’s appalling that things have to blow up so badly before you can.

You have done the right thing not encroaching on his space but maybe send him a cheery message explaining why and that you hope he’s awake next time to invite you in. You don’t want him questioning it and coming to the wrong conclusion 💐

Chunkers · 26/11/2019 16:28

Have the staff given you an idea on how much contact would be appropriate? I imagine that going forward, If you turn up with too much clothes / food / treats, it could be counter productive.

Original poster
Pityparty4one · 26/11/2019 16:50

Spoken to DS.
Until benefits are in place we have to feed him.
He has made 2 meals today used the washing machine showered and cleaned his room.
He has a key worker who he likes and they have gone through some stuff today. I didn't ask what.
Tomorrow he will register with a local GP and CAHMS will be re-engaging.

He sounds ok said he is missing us and asked to see us on Saturday.
The staff have encourage this when I asked them about it as they said DS needs to see he is still part of the family he just lives somewhere else.
Sadly the staff member said the young people that really struggle in there are the ones without family support.

I have told DS I will provide food but it will not be a bag of pizzas and treats. He can cook pretty well.
He has asked for some fresh meats, fruit, veg, yoghurt and a packet if biscuits Smile

Feeling so much better but I know this will be a long road for DS I am just happy for the immediate respite.

Thank you all so much for your kind words and support.

You have made a devesrating few days bareable and supported me to do the best for my family. Xxx

OP posts:
Groovinpeanut · 26/11/2019 18:16

OP you have done exactly the right thing, you are an amazing Mom... Your journey with your son has been very difficult, but you've done him proud. It's so sad that families have to go through such a horrendous time to get the help and support that they need in cases like yours. Your son will get the help and care he needs now with a multi agency input. You've had to do what you've had to do because you love him and want the best for him.
I hope things go from strength to strength for you and your family. I hope you kick that pathetic idiot of a bf to the kerb. He sounds like a prize prat. You're a strong and amazing woman, don't settle for a useless idiot like him.
Life is looking up now, start as you mean to go on. Ditch the prat!
Your son knows you live him. xx

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