AIBU to just sit here and cry

[Pityparty4one]

As my username suggest I am having a pity party.

I will try and make this as short as possible.
I have 4 DC eldest is DS17. He has major behavioural issues poor mental health and puts a huge strain on the family. He has been with camhs since he was 11.

I have 50 50 with ex and we co parent well.

Yesterday I had the paramedics out as I suffer with asthma and due to a cold my inhaler just was not working. They came treatment given all good. Had ooh gp booked today for script for new inhaler steroids and a spacer.
DC were back with dad today he collected them at 12.

I went to gp got home and was in the process of packing as spending weekend with bf and was meeting him and his mum for lunch.
Just before I left dtwins 13 turned up soaking wet and upset. DS17 had come home to dads and kicked off.
I called ex but phone switched off.
I drove to the house DS17 was there but no sign of ex. He was his usual abusive self towards me.
Anyway eventually found ex who was driving streets looking for dtwins with a flat phone.

I had called bf and said to just order lunch as it had all kicked off and I was running late.
He said "great thanks for messing mum about"
I apologised said there was nothing I could do and still needed to collect my meds.

Went to chemist feeling totally shit as everything was now messed up.
Waited 20 minutes to get served and was told £27 please.
I burst in to tears.
I do not get prescriptions often I mean like a year ago and then its 1 item my inhaler.
This was 3 items.
That £27 was all I had till Tuesday (recently changed jobs so struggling this month)

So I paid now have come home unpacked and I have no milk or bread and no money left to buy any. Plenty of food in so wont starve and dc with dad until Tuesday afternoon but I just feel so sorry for myself.

DS's behaviour ended my marriage and has probably ended my relationship.
He has ruined his siblings childhood as our whole lives have to revolve around him.

I just want to sit here and cry while whining how shit my life is and there is nothing I can do about it.
AIBU...I probably am but will whine anyway

Also sorry it was so long.

Bet ex is relieved as well. It's not just a case of him being 'naughty' he needs more specialist help than you can give.

Absolutely Frown.

The more I come down the angrier I become at how ss have treated our vulnerable family.
I keep asking myself if we could have done more/less fought ss harder but tbh for the last 6 years all we have done is fight for him.
I am not going to call today. He has other things to focus on so will call tomorrow as agreed to check on his shopping list.

Pity - ** It must have been exactly that for you - feeling so very alone in it. I can understand why you didn't tell friends - everyone suddenly becomes an expert and suggests ALL the things you've already tried!

Take care of yourself & enjoy time with your other DC.

Oh wow, Pityparty - what an amazing outcome from such inauspicious beginnings - I'm so pleased for you all that he has got this placement and I hope hope hope that he makes the most of the opportunity he's been given, and accesses the help he truly needs and hasn't been able to access so far, to give him the best shot at life.

I totally understand why you collapsed - you've been running on nervous energy for so long now, held together by nerves and adrenalin, that once they weren't required any more you just liquefied into a sobbing mess. Totally get it. But you will start to build yourself up again - take as much time and care for yourself as you need to - and believe that this is the best thing for your whole family now.

OF course you still love your son, of course you do! But that means making sure he gets the best opportunity for him - which seems to be this placement he has now - and it doesn't mean you being ground down by his behaviour and MH problems. I know SS have been unhelpful so far but I'm sure at least part of that would have been due to funding cuts :(

Take some deep breaths and do something lovely for yourself now

I have just read through the thread and want to offer my support. You have definitely done the right thing for you, exDH, your children and DS. We have DS1 with ASD. He is extremely difficult at times and has caused huge stress to the whole family.

We are now at the stage that I am bedridden with a long list of conditions, including a stroke, DH is also very ill and DS2 has moved out. DS1 is now in his late twenties and couldn’t cope on his own so we feel trapped.

By your positive actions you are ensuring that you can get your physical and mental health on an even keel, you can support your other children and your ex can also recover strength. Please don’t backtrack!

Brilliant update. A real story of hope.

I'm so pleased that you are starting a much more postitive relationship with DS. It's going to be very hard for you but you've put up with alot more than hard for so long. I'm so pleased for DS too I can see him growing into a good young man with all his families love and support. Keep going and stay strong.

Just thinking of you, PityP. Remember it's a marathon not a sprint and pace yourself. There could still be significant highs and lows ahead - I hope it all gets lovely and stable, but even as things settle down you could be a bit all over the place yourself as you deal with all the emotion you've been suppressing in order to just manage the day to day shit. Be very kind to yourself.

Morning all.

I have a chest infection and have more or less lost my voice.
I think my body has just given up!

DS called last night. He was distressed as I think it has hit him that he cannot come home.
As upsetting as it was to hear him cry I repeated the reasons why he cannot come home and that this is a good chance for him to sort himself out and get support.
I told him I will see him Saturday and will bring some shopping to get him through.

The house is so much calmer. No anxiety surrounding what mood DS will be in when he comes home. Ex has said the same thing. Other DC seem more settled too.

Spoke to bf he came to see me last night as I have pretty much ignored him since all this happened.

I have to get DC up and get ready for work but will post later about bf as I am struggling with how to move forward so could do with your support...again

I did wonder about boyfriend.

Chest infections are horrible, hope it clears soon.

You're bound to have some teething problems with getting DS settled - you're all (including him) doing well though.

Hope today isn't too much of a struggle!

Hope you feel better soon, was bf at least apologetic for how dismissive he was at the weekend?

Not surprising re. the chest infection - you know how people in really stressful jobs always seem to get ill as soon as they have a holiday? It's because their body relaxes and suddenly gets to deal with all the shit that the adrenaline has been keeping at bay - same thing for you, effectively.

It is sad that your DS is realising what he's done but it is also good - you have to hope that this is part of the self-healing process where he starts to understand what his behaviour has led to, and that he must change in order for his situation to change. Hopefully this placement he has will help him come to that understanding.

Post away about your BF - we can handhold, give objective thoughts, help you decide your way forward if that's what you want from us.

Thinking of you OP. You did very, very well in that phone call.

Oh OP,

I remember being told that women hold all their mothering emotions in their lungs and when they have that type of extreme stress a chest infection will follow.

Elderly neighbour told me that years ago.

I hope you feel better soon.
💐

Morning.

Awake early due to stupid cough and if I am honest anxiety about seeing DS.
I went shopping yesterday and bought him some food so feel like I am still being his mum if that makes sense

So bf came round the other evening as I had basically ignored his attempts at contact.

He apologised straight away.
He said he was frustrated because yet again DS's behaviour messed up our plans and upset me. He thought it was just one of his "normal" kick offs and did not realise the seriousness this time.

I do understand. We have dated for 4 years and because of DS I have had to keep our relationship separate from my mum life so we live seperatly and only see each other when I am DC free.

Don't get me wrong he gets on fantastic with 3 DC and has tried so hard with DS but sadly my son is not easy to like or get on with.

I told him that given the strain and stress of DS's behaviour his support is what keeps me going. I have always been honest about DS so he knew what my life was like when we got together.
While I understand he is frustrated at spoiled plans in the grand scheme of things did that mean I was not worthy of his support?

He said he was immediately ashamed of himself. He was given a very stern telling off by his lovely mum which he said he didn't need but did deserve.

He was sincere and I do get it. The impact DS has on everyone's life is negative all the time.
I told him I will contact him once DC have gone back to dad's to discuss if we have a way forward.

So lovely posters what do we think?

Hope today goes well with ds op, make sure you have time for yourself afterwards as I fear it may be draining and you mY feel guilt tripped into taking him home.

As for bf, that sounds genuine but what is he like usually? is this an isolated incident of lack of support as it does sound like dealing with ds has been unbelievably stressful. I think the best advice is go with your gut.

Thank you billy
No DS will not be coming home. He does not live here anymore. I have seen and felt the positive change in the house and sadly realise there is no way back.

As for bf he is generally supportive and has not been so dismissive before. Frustrated yes even angry but normally he does what he can to ease my stress.

Oh that's sweet his mum was on your side and understood.

I don't actually much like my family member who has the same traits. Unfortunately it is what it is. Sometimes you just want a bit of reprocicity but then just sigh.

With boyfriend, think it's become clearer to him that you're all as a package, and ds doesn't function as 'normal'. But he has to embrace this to an extent and be there for you. He can't pick and choose the good bits.

Just read the thread OP and nothing to add except well done and keep going. You are amazing.

I will add one thing that a PP mentioned - ask your GP about a Relvar inhaler; it has been a game changer for me. Also, Montelukast (sp??) tablets. My asthma has never been so well controlled

I don't know what to say re your BF. People who love you should make your life easier. On balance, does he make your life easier?

Can't tell you what to do with the BF - he sounds like he's genuinely remorseful, but he let you down when you needed him most, so is that something you want to risk continuing?

It's good that his mum gave him a rocket though - she sounds like a good egg.

But in the end it's up to you - if he's more comfort and support than not, and he generally makes you happy, then maybe giving him another go is a good plan - but if he lets you down again, then that shows you that it wasn't a misplaced one-off, he's just not that strong and you don't need that.

Maybe write a list of pros and cons - I tend to find that helps with my decision making!

Honestly OP, I would take the bf on advisement.

If you want to believe his sincerity, that's fine.

I would be inclined to say to him that he let you down, when you desperately needed support.
You don't need a bf who is more committed to being pissed off, than to you.

I would tell him he ye will not have this conversation again. And mean it.

I hope you feel better soon 💐

Update on DS:

So went to see him.
He looked...normal
His rooms really nice. Quite big has a sink, bed wardrobe, draws and his own fridge freezer.
The staff seemed nice too which is good.

We chatted about the future and he asked if he could see me Christmas day.
I told him that I have to see improvements and that he's doing what he needs to. Once I trust him I said he can of course see me on Christmas day. I hope that is an insensitive for him??

As for BF I have told him I will see him tomorrow to talk.
I sent him this thread which I know is normally not the done thing but I wanted him to see what I have been through.

He is reading it now

@PityPart4one, glad you’ve been to see DS and he is looking normal. It really sounds very encouraging and that he is beginning to value you and his home. Good on you for remaining strong.

Well done,OP, well done for all of it - you and your Ex and your children. You exist as a family, you will always be a family. You don't have to live in the same house for that.

I think you're doing an amazing job of explaining to your son. He's old enough to understand that his behaviour wasn't compatible with family life living in the same house but that his independent living could be just what he needs to grow up and start treating others - and himself - with respect.

As for your boyfriend, I agree with billy, on advisement only. He let you down badly. I understand that his mother is lovely but he doesn't get the kudos for that - HE still let you down, when you needed him most.

I wouldn't stick with him but whatever you need to get yourself to a better place before you start thinking of future plans.

Hope your chest infection clears up soon.

That’s such good news @Pityparty4one, will they help him to find a job or return to education too? I guess it’s still early days for thinking about the future