AIBU to just sit here and cry

[Pityparty4one]

As my username suggest I am having a pity party.

I will try and make this as short as possible.
I have 4 DC eldest is DS17. He has major behavioural issues poor mental health and puts a huge strain on the family. He has been with camhs since he was 11.

I have 50 50 with ex and we co parent well.

Yesterday I had the paramedics out as I suffer with asthma and due to a cold my inhaler just was not working. They came treatment given all good. Had ooh gp booked today for script for new inhaler steroids and a spacer.
DC were back with dad today he collected them at 12.

I went to gp got home and was in the process of packing as spending weekend with bf and was meeting him and his mum for lunch.
Just before I left dtwins 13 turned up soaking wet and upset. DS17 had come home to dads and kicked off.
I called ex but phone switched off.
I drove to the house DS17 was there but no sign of ex. He was his usual abusive self towards me.
Anyway eventually found ex who was driving streets looking for dtwins with a flat phone.

I had called bf and said to just order lunch as it had all kicked off and I was running late.
He said "great thanks for messing mum about"
I apologised said there was nothing I could do and still needed to collect my meds.

Went to chemist feeling totally shit as everything was now messed up.
Waited 20 minutes to get served and was told £27 please.
I burst in to tears.
I do not get prescriptions often I mean like a year ago and then its 1 item my inhaler.
This was 3 items.
That £27 was all I had till Tuesday (recently changed jobs so struggling this month)

So I paid now have come home unpacked and I have no milk or bread and no money left to buy any. Plenty of food in so wont starve and dc with dad until Tuesday afternoon but I just feel so sorry for myself.

DS's behaviour ended my marriage and has probably ended my relationship.
He has ruined his siblings childhood as our whole lives have to revolve around him.

I just want to sit here and cry while whining how shit my life is and there is nothing I can do about it.
AIBU...I probably am but will whine anyway

Also sorry it was so long.

Your last update about your bf doesn’t surprise me at all, I’ve just read your thread again, and you have gone through so much and need all the hugs we can offer, and you’re welcome to the milk in my fridge too if you need it. I had forgotten your bf existed until your last post.

Have a chilled day today with your other dc’s and hoping you ds is ok and gets the help he needs and please know you have absolutely done the right thing

I think it's really impressive how you and your ex work together so well, not many couples manage this even in easy parenting situations. Hope things improve OP.

So glad that you and the school are able to give your DCs the time out they need. I hope you are able to cuddle up for a cosy movie together.

Thank you days

Our split was amicable and we always promised that no matter what DC come first.
We need each other as parents. We have no other real support.
He is a good man. He was a good husband and provider and he remains my best friend.
On a lighter note I keep telling him he deserves a loving relationship as he has much to offer but DS sadly sucks the life out of him and he has no time or energy to fit anyone else in. Maybe when things calm down and DS is settled away from home ex can focus a bit on himself.

The best thing about paper mache is you can put them in a long bath or shower after to get it out of their hair 🤣

Keep swimming you’re doing great

Just had a complete melt down on the phone to ex.

Police called DS is at council who are giving him accommodation.

A liaison team I have worked with before in my old job have accepted the ref feral so that's good news. They have told police they will get other agencies involved.

DS is distraught as bail conditions now include him being banned from our homes.
This has never happened before.
Police going to exes to collect some clothes I drove up and dropped a bag of toiletries off and stuff.

Came home then freaked out. Called ex in hysterics begging him to put a note in the bag tellingn DS we love him and have not abandoned him but he needs help and put my number on ( he knows dad's but I recently changed phones).

I was begging and crying for ex to do this like it's so important.
I cannot bare the thought of DS feeling abandoned. I love my son with all my heart but we cannot give him the help he needs.

I cannot stop crying.

Of course you love him. He's your DS and always will be.
You are doing what is best for him.

I understand that you need him to know how much you love him. And how you've not abandoned him.

This must be breaking your heart. But you know it's the right thing to do.

Cry all you need.

Know that everyone who's heard your situation is 100% willing a positive outcome for you as soon as possible.

Just another person sending a big hug for you (((OP))), and filled with admiration for how you’ve been strong enough to do the right thing.

Don’t let the authorities grind you down. Unfortunately it has to be all about money and resources for them, but you and your ex have to look after the rest of your family, and you can’t do that without also trying to take account of how this whole nightmare situation affects you both too.

FWIW I don’t doubt that your DS1 knows you both love him. As has been said by a PP, though, no family can survive if everything always has to revolve around just one member. What you and your ex have done will give your DS1 the opportunity to try to turn things round when the dust has settled. Life is all about choices, and I know all those of us trying to support you hope that he will see the light and start trying to make some better choices.

Thinking of you

Oh a virtual hug from me too OP my heart goes out to you!You have know deep down this is the best outcome for now as you cannot possibly go on like this take care 💐

DC are back with dad so I have just cried till there is nothing left.

I am trying to look at the future. He's been gone 24 hours and despite everyone's distress there already feels like a cloud has lifted.
No worrying he will come home and kick off.
Ex looks shocking but at the same time relieved.
I know this is a postive start for DS and he will see that I hope.

I am trying so hard to be strong. I am just so tired.

Keep crying when you need to. Let it out. I'm so sorry it's come to this OP. I do understand the feeling of relief too.

Do you have family support op? Or close friend?

Could you perhaps have your mum stay? Don't mean to be insensitive if not possible.

This is good news. You can be supportive to your son, while also being safe. You haven't abandoned him, instead you have set healthy boundaries in place for him, which is the best thing for him. Just remember that - you are doing the best thing for him. It is not what you wanted for him, but you are still there loving him anyway. It is hard, I know. Get all the grief and sorrow out, then tomorrow is a new day and a new way forward.

Have dm'd you x

Purple my family are lovely but mums I'll and my siblings live away with their own family.
I am too ashamed to talk to friends none are close as it's hard to find time to build friendships with a demanding son.

I will be OK. I just need to know he has a safe bed tonight and somebody there for him.

It must be so hard; I do sympathise. But I think it’s the right thing. They have a saying in AA; Nothing changes if Nothing Changes. You have signalled in the most powerful way you can that things have to change. You can’t change your sons behaviour; only he can do that. But you have said you can’t behave like that here. He needs to take on that message. I’m sorry it’s come to this; but I don’t think you had many choices left and you have to protect your other DCs who don’t have any choice

OP, the love you have for your son is clear in your posts.

The thing is you have other children, whom have a right to a peaceful home.

It must have been very hard for them living in such a chaotic environment, despite your efforts.

However hard this is for your son, your other children have rights too.

I think you have made the correct call, no matter how difficult.

💐

@Pityparty4one You're doing all this, going through all this BECAUSE you love your children, including DS. I am sure that with time and support your DS will recognise this was a positive move forward for him, as it's the point he will get what he needs from a service that has so far let him (and you) down.

Pityparty4one "I cannot stop crying." Of course this must be so hard for you.

"I know this is a postive start for DS and he will see that I hope." It's so clear you love him so much and I really hope he will take this opportunity for good.

"I am trying so hard to be strong. I am just so tired." PLEASE look after yourself, eat as well as you can, sleep as much as you can without falling into a kind of cacoon, get a bit of fresh air and exercise if you can. Your ex and you have such a very good relationship. You will heal from these terrible experiences, I hope, and your son will see this is his chance, I hope.

XXXXXX

He faced timed me!!

He called me then said end the call mum I need to see you face time me.

He's ok he's settled he is sad and sorry but he looked relaxed. He said the people are nice.

DS has not told me he loves me for a long time.
He told me at least 5 times tonight. He told me not to cry he said he's ok I should be happy.

He knows we love him. He knows he's not alone.

I am on the verge of collapse I am overwhelmed.

Op, you and your ex's love for all your children shines through this thread, don't ever doubt yourself. A lesser parent would have given up on him years ago but you are both trying so very hard. I hope you get ds into a safer place and you and the ex get some time to clear your heads and get back together

Am so glad you've had some contact

He knows you & his dad love him.

Oh that’s lovely to hear, so glad you are feeling reassured he is being well looked after