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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think mistress shouldn't be in house when husband not there?

235 replies

Boozysuzy84 · 22/11/2019 20:56

Recently separated after 17 years due to cheating spouse. Moved into rented accommodation last sat and mistress had moved into marital mortgaged home by wednesday. No settlement has been agreed we are discussing him buying me out.

Husband is going away for business for a week starting sunday. Can I refuse her access to my home? I have a way of securing it without changing locks. Repeatedly told husband I will not allow any third party to reside in the property while neither of us is there.

OP posts:
rwalker · 23/11/2019 08:43

You have done absolutely the right thing moving out and as you say you are lucky to be offered housing and grabbed it.
Many parents are addiment they are going to stay in the marital home. The basic fact is the other partners wage a lot of the time can't support 2 mortgages and they can't afford it .
Can only imagine how hard this must be you need to detach yourself from that house and see your new house as your home.
I think you would be able to get her out but whilst it may seem a victory at the time would it be worth all the shit that would follow.
Rather than get her out I would pop round for my mail and just barge in check a few things and then go wear A LOT of heavy perfume and she would still smell you in the house when you've gone.

Ellapaella · 23/11/2019 08:56

You have a house now for you and your son and while it's not fair you had to leave at least you don't have to stay in the house with an awful atmosphere that your son would pick up on.
Try and make the most of having your own place and make it your own, you can still get what your owed when you get divorced.
It's a really really shit situation but you definitely have the moral high ground at the moment and he is showing himself to be a prize arsehole to all his friends and family.
Stay strong.

MaryBear · 23/11/2019 09:14

This is a horrible situation but I'd stay quiet about having access to the house, you never know when it might come in handy to have access. My stbxh changed the locks but didn't realise I could stain again peaceful entry, so I waiting 18 months till he went on holiday, got a locksmith and took everything I wanted!! He was LIVID!! Best revenge ever!!! Not sure if it's been mentioned but get a Notice of Home Rights on with the land registry. If you dont have that on, he can sell the house or secure loans against it without you being informed. I got one and it was a the best thing I did, as I too wasnt on the mortgage. Good luck with everything. You can PM me if you want a chat cos I'm still trying to get everything sorted through the courts.

messolini9 · 23/11/2019 09:42

send the dog to the shelter where she can reclaim it

That's right @makingmammaries. Because the dog is just a parcel for picking up & dropping off. It won't be terrified & bewildered AT ALL by suddenly being slammed into dog prison.

OP has already said she won't be dumping the dog, or locking it in the garden, or whatever the next asinine suggestion is.

She can manage that compassionate outlook in the midst of her own angst & trauma - unlike some posters, who just by sitting on the sidelines, seem to have wound themselves up into such a pitch of vengeance fantasising they think it's ok to abuse a dog for the unfortunate crime of belonging to the OW.

messolini9 · 23/11/2019 09:44

Well, quite, @araiwa. Well said.
... trying to create some juicy drama for this thread. Some people are giving terrible advice for their own amusement. Shame on you all.

Thankgoodness1 · 23/11/2019 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

messolini9 · 23/11/2019 10:03

@Boozysuzy84 - hope you are doing ok this morning.

The best advice I can offer is - every time you feel sad/angry/overcome ... concentrate on your new home & how you are going to make it the snuggest, prettiest, safest & happiest environment you can for you & DS.

Of course there are issues about the marital house, but some of the suggestions upthread are barking mad, & you seem far too sensible to want to be That Person, or compromise procedings by behaving in any way that can be used against you. We can all enjoy the thought of satisfying vengeance, but you seem far more sensibly focused on the long term security offered by your council house.

If you keep your head down & act only under solicitor's advice, you should come out of this horrible scenario with a proportion of any value of the marital home in addition to the security of your new home & a maintenance agreement from ex. People advising you to "chuck out" the OW are not copping onto the uncomfortable fact that exDH can install anyone he likes in his own property. They are also viewing the house as an asset, which none of us posters know about & can't be banked on - it could be mortgaged to the hilt with no equity & as YOU so rightly observe, too big & too expensive for you to run anyway.

What a lovely mum you are to focus on your son's need for security & a consistent environment away from any potential drama. I hope you can enjoy the occasional revenge fantasy as an outlet for your rage & hurt, but that even the need for that fades as your realise what a great life you are building for yourself, & how much sweeterthat life is without a cheating bastard in it. The OW is beneath your contempt (serially shagging her way though the boardroom & occupying other people's houses ... mainly on her back. Classy.) - you are the better woman, & you are going to be happy & fulfilled in your new home with DS.

Justgorgeous · 23/11/2019 10:33

Some posters are so bitter it’s terrifying. I can assure you that maintaining your dignity is NEVER the wrong way. My partner took his mistress away on holiday when I was 36 weeks pregnant. I have been through huge financial trauma and stress but never once did I stoop to the gutter in retaliation. Good luck.

SoupDragon · 23/11/2019 10:39

never once did I stoop to the gutter in retaliation

Neither did I but I had a hell of a lot of fun planning revenge that I never panned on following through.

Owlypants · 23/11/2019 11:49

Theres a lot of angry advice on this thread and only a few sensible comments.

As pp has said, just get everything you need in one trip then forget about the house. Forget the house and forget him, let cms deal with him while you start your new life. It sounds like your ex and the ow deserve each other, they both have previous for cheating and their relationship will probably fail or at the very least be miserable due to lack of trust. You have a fresh start, enjoy it and be happy

BestZebbie · 23/11/2019 16:40

Coldly and practically, you should do nothing.
But it would be a shame if her dog was stressed by the move and pissed in one of each of her shoes, wouldn't it?

MirkwoodMiss · 23/11/2019 16:46

Has your solicitor advised a MHA charge on the property? It is a charge that encumbers the property and protects a financial interest of the spouse. MHA stands for Matrimonial Homes Act.

makingmammaries · 23/11/2019 17:13

@messolini9, you think the dog is fine with being left alone in a strange house? Or that shelters abuse dogs? Really?

messolini9 · 23/11/2019 17:19

you think the dog is fine with being left alone in a strange house?
No, I absolutely do not - but as the OW who is dumping him there while she presumably works all day isn't posting here, what would have been the point of me remarking on that, @makingmammaries?

Or that shelters abuse dogs?
Of course they don't, of course I don't think that, & of course neither do you - you are simply making a ridiculous straw man argument in order to deflect criticism of your nasty suggestion to remove the dog.
A shelter doesn't have to be abusive for a dog to feel abandoned, terrified & stressed by its removal to one.
Suggesting doing that to a dog unnecessarily, just to score a revenge point, is quite astonishingly callous.

MsRomanoff · 23/11/2019 18:53

Or that shelters abuse dogs? Really?

Eh?

So what, the dog should be happy being removed because or womt be abused at a shelter. Is that you minimum standard for pet care. As long as ita not abused, it's ok?

And you think it's ok to use a charities time and resources, under false pretences as well as causing the dog distress?

Nice?

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 24/11/2019 06:04

Get some needle and thread and raw shrimp.
Mosey on by the house when your ex and his home wrecker gf arent there.
Sew the shrimp onto the top of every curtain in the house.
It will stink to high heaven Grin

Singlenotsingle · 24/11/2019 18:07

Don't lose your council house. That's your future. This house in your DH's name is your past. If you move back, you are likely to lose your council house.

Jeeperscreepers69 · 24/11/2019 18:07

Wait till house is empty. Cress the carpet water it put heat on. Put fish in the curtain hems and piss on the bed. Mistress willbe sorry shes tread on your toes

ivykaty44 · 24/11/2019 18:10

Sorry but why seek advise from a solicitor and pay for that information to then ignore the legal advise, then complain that someone else is now living in your former marital home & seek advice from mumnet

Barmy - sorry but you’re behaving irrationally

Jaxhog · 24/11/2019 18:11

On the plus side, you have a nice place to live and he'll have to sell up. Although I do like the shrimp idea.

Fingers crossed on the Tumble Dryer. Grin

Jeeperscreepers69 · 24/11/2019 18:12

Just go in tell her to get out as your moving back in your house. Simple. Phone the police have her removed.

JacquesHammer · 24/11/2019 18:13

Phone the police have her removed

On what basis Confused

nuxe1984 · 24/11/2019 18:13

My advice would be to get a solicitor asap and start proceedings for divorce. Make sure you get your fair share of the property value plus any pension he's already got, savings, etc. It won't be for you but for your son.

I would feel like you. Want to go over and be there when this woman comes home from work. Show her that she may think it's now her home but in fact she's actually an interloper. Take stuff from the house. Chuck her things away, etc. This was your home and you now feel you've been invaded by this women. It's hard but eventually, once you've managed to legally get things sorted, it will get easier.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 24/11/2019 18:23

Get any stuff you need in one trip - legal paperwork

Make sure you have your son's birth certificate, passport etc.

Try and have a look for evidence of all of your husband's assets, bank accounts, pensions etc and photograph them to make sure you actually get what you are entitled to.

Anything you have joint, credit cards, banks accounts etc speak to the bank so you don't get lumped with his debts. If you do have a joint account transfer money to your personal account before you do this.

MsRomanoff · 24/11/2019 18:59

Cress the carpet water it put heat on. Put fish in the curtain hems and piss on the bed. Mistress willbe sorry shes tread on your toes

Why would OP what to cause any damage to the property. Especially, if these things arent found. How will that help her during the financial negotiations?

A house that's stinks? That will sell well. Hmm