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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think mistress shouldn't be in house when husband not there?

235 replies

Boozysuzy84 · 22/11/2019 20:56

Recently separated after 17 years due to cheating spouse. Moved into rented accommodation last sat and mistress had moved into marital mortgaged home by wednesday. No settlement has been agreed we are discussing him buying me out.

Husband is going away for business for a week starting sunday. Can I refuse her access to my home? I have a way of securing it without changing locks. Repeatedly told husband I will not allow any third party to reside in the property while neither of us is there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boozysuzy84 · 22/11/2019 21:22

OrangeZog yes it could be left in back garden but i wouldn't want the poor wee thing to get cold.

My husband is being so argumentative over each tiny thing in the separation, he has completely turned into a different person. I wonder if us being there would make him sort himself out and give a decent settlement?

OP posts:
pallisers · 22/11/2019 21:24

Tell him you expect her to pay you rent (or your half of it) until the settlement.

OrangeZog · 22/11/2019 21:24

Does she work? Perhaps you can find out the time she is likely to be returning to the house so the dog is not outside for long.

ExhaustedGrinch · 22/11/2019 21:24

What a nasty pair!! I agree, she absolutely shouldn't be there and I know people are sayng rise above it but I'm not sure if I could in OPs position! I think I'd be popping in and out collecting post and what not just to make it clear it is still MY property... I feel enraged just thinking about it!

Time40 · 22/11/2019 21:25

I'd move back for the week just to annoy the hell out of them, and to shock the mistress.

Fakeflowersaremynewnormal · 22/11/2019 21:25

I agree he is a scumbag for acting this way but I think you are better off making it a clean break. You were indeed lucky to get a council house, if you get your share of the divorce proceeds in the bank and maybe work part time, you can still keep the council house . So this is a better situation for you financially.
I would just stay away from him as much as possible and make a new life for you and DS.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 22/11/2019 21:26

Ooh, yes. Move back in whilst he's away! No need to forewarn either of them. It's your house.

Original poster
Boozysuzy84 · 22/11/2019 21:29

ExhaustedGrinch

Yes he thinks I don't have a key anymore (like I'm that stupid) I have been collecting my mail unbeknown to him. When I went to the property yesterday I seen all her personal items had now been permanently moved in and her mail redirected. She had previously been living with my husbands boss (also married who's marriage breakdown she was involved in) so shes went from a late 40s guy to my hubby 15 years younger and shes 25 and also divorced. Couldn't make this crap up haha

OP posts:
Andysbestadventure · 22/11/2019 21:32

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ExhaustedGrinch · 22/11/2019 21:33

Bloody hell! I wonder what her family make of it, I'm mid 30s and although my mum stays out of my business she would certainly say something to me in this situation. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't speak to me for a year or three, she'd be so upset and disappointed with me.

What does your husbands family make of it?

londonrach · 22/11/2019 21:34

Id move back, take dog to shelter as abandoned....or maybe just let it go. You got rid of him. Shes stuck with him.

Wattagoose90 · 22/11/2019 21:35

Follow your solicitors advice and take him for all he is worth.

Sounds like you sacrificed a lot for him. I'm gutted for you.

ExhaustedGrinch · 22/11/2019 21:36

Andysbestadventure Does it come easy to you, kicking someone when they're down? or is it something you work hard to achieve, you must be so proud of yourself, well done you. Hmm

CorBlimeyGovenor · 22/11/2019 21:36

You say that you cannot afford to take over the mortgage. But have you considered that he will have to pay maintenance towards your son in order to keep a house over his head? Do you know how much maintenance you are likely to get? Also, if he buys you out of your half of the home and you get a cash sum, won't this then impact upon your right to a council house? You need to see a solicitor and find out exactly where you stand. Now, have you thought about letting your mum or a friend stay at the house next week? In fact, you could appeal on Mumsnet for the contact details of either the Mexican House Thief or The Tiny Korean Lady. He would have trouble getting rid of either of those!

1Morewineplease · 22/11/2019 21:37

How nasty! Why did you and your son move out , as it was joint property? Your OH had the affair so he should have been kicked out.
You really need to see a solicitor v v soon.

Fakeflowersaremynewnormal · 22/11/2019 21:39

Even though your name isn't on the mortgage i believe if you are married, you have a good chance of being awarded 50% of all assets which would include the house.

Original poster
Boozysuzy84 · 22/11/2019 21:40

Andysbestadventure

I have contributed to the mortgage and I also gave up a well paying career to support his. We moved to the middle-east so he could progress.

Keep your nasty comments to yourself troll!

OP posts:
Longdistance · 22/11/2019 21:40

Andy, everything in a marriage is 50/50, so I suggest you get over yourself Hmm

Op, move back into YOUR house and tell ow ‘get out of MY fucking house!’

Raphael34 · 22/11/2019 21:41

I don’t see the point in taking it out on her. It’s him that’s fucked you over. Married or not, your names not on the housing deeds so it may not even be legal taking over his house and kicking out his new partner when you no longer live there. And I can’t even believe the comments saying report her dog as abandoned and get it taken to a shelter. This man is a piece of shit and I get you wanting to make his life harder, but this is just petty imo. And think about how this will affect your son going back to the house he just moved out of and all the aggro that’s going to happen when you lock this woman out.

LEELULUMPKIN · 22/11/2019 21:42

No advice OP but just wanted to say how awful for you. What a shameless twat you married.

She is just as low.

What a pair of barefaced bastards.

Stay strong.

Raphael34 · 22/11/2019 21:42

I don’t agree with most of Andy’s post, except for the keep your dignity part.

Original poster
Boozysuzy84 · 22/11/2019 21:43

For those of you wondering my name is not on the mortgage but we are married. By law the property is 50% mine. Even although I have moved out in have marital occupation rights for two years from the date I left the property and legally can return any time I wish to.

OP posts:
Stupiddriver1 · 22/11/2019 21:44

Are you still in the Middle East? Because rules about property division may be different? As may local police’s views on infidelity?

cabbageking · 22/11/2019 21:44

Think long term about getting a settlement asap.

If you are going to be difficult then he will also be difficult. The only winners will be the solicitors.

guiltyofa · 22/11/2019 21:45

This is fucking horrific. You poor thing. I would be going back into the house and doing horrible things to her stuff, but I'm not a very nice person in this sort of scenario!

Make sure all your personal effects and paperwork etc are removed ASAP - you have no idea what this woman is like. Well, you do. So don't give her any opportunity to mess with your stuff or go digging into your life.

I'm pleased you've found affordable housing somewhere nearby though. Wishing you and your DS all the best for your life away from the pig.