Gather round for this is the sordid tale of what happens when a dickhead ex gets on the wrong side of an evil genius.
When my abusive dickhead ex kicked me out of our jointly tenanted home with nothing but a suitcase full of my clothes and my hamster, I was drained emotionally, but I was angry for what he'd done to me. 3 days later, after a lot of back and forth (and threats to finish what he started) I was permitted to collect my personal belongings, but had to leave big furniture that I had brought into the home to offset a debt I owed (sofa, bed, fridge) - I agreed because I had nowhere to store them and made him sign a document that said he couldn't come after the money, because he had received far more than that in goods . I had only agreed to move out if I could collect my things without him present, which he finally agreed to, but I had to post my key when done and I wasn't to take anything that he had purchased when we moved in.
When I arrived, I found that he had moved the tv from the living room and put it in the spare room/man cave with his huge gaming set up, removed the few things belonging to me from the room, and put a padlock on the door. My dad, fuming at what the prick had done to his little girl, hatched a plan, and while my mum and I packed all of my books and personal items, he went off to the hardware store. He bought an identical padlock and used the boltcutters from his van (hes in security) to snap off the lock. We quickly checked the room for any remaining things of mine (and I swiped the photos he had of me in his desk) and not disturbing anything, we closed the door and locked it again with the identical padlock.
I also took every single thing that he had not requested to offset the debt that belonged to me (which was pretty much all of the white goods in the house). I took all of the crockery, all of the cookware, utensils and things. And left behind a single plastic spoon and paper plate in the drawer, and a pair of tongs he had bought. I took all of the towels, and left behind a single facecloth his mum had given him from home (knowing that he had his sport activity that day and would need a shower when he got home). I left the duvet covers because he had bought them, but took all of the bottom sheets. I also took the pillows because I had bought them.
The best thing I did was to take a fish that I had bought from the fishmongers near my parents house (100 miles from him) and frozen, and post it into the hollow metal support beam of our bed. I had taken inspiration from the prawn prank, and a prank pulled on my dad when I was a kid involving a fish being posted into his car heater vents which made it stink. Thinking ahead I put the fish in a plastic food bag, which i left slightly open, so that any juices were contained, but the smell could be released. It also made it hot and moist, the perfect breeding ground for bacteria. I left, satisfied that I would get revenge, posted my keys to never return.
Later that night, I got a message saying You bitch. (I assume this was for the towels, and pillows)
2 days later - bitch what did you do to the padlock, I've just had to saw it off.
The fish thing however was my proudest moment of evil genius, and would probably win awards if I ever felt brave enough to own up to it. It took more than 6 months for him to discover it, by which time I had received so many pleading messages about the smell that I was starting to feel happy again, knowing he was suffering. In the end, he had to replace the bed, curtains, mattress, carpet, basically everything in the bedroom because the smell had absorbed into everything. He finally found the fish as he and his evil mother dismantled the bed to take up the carpet. They rang me screaming because they had gotten covered in rotten fish juice as the bag exploded when the beam was moved.
I moved into my own flat about 2 months after fishgate ended, and he now has no idea where I am. Just that I am the defacto winner of our break up.
Now i'm not saying that OP should do this, because I only took the low road because he had claimed to be taking the high road in one of his many many communications (you know the ones in which he called me a btch and a c*t before the fish started to smell). Do I think STBXH and the homewrecker deserve to be posted a super super old egg, or a steaming dog turd in a box? Yes. But I don't have kids caught up in the cross fire. OP he will get his just desserts, probably in the form of an STD from the woman who gets off on sleeping with married men.