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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to think mistress shouldn't be in house when husband not there?

235 replies

Boozysuzy84 · 22/11/2019 20:56

Recently separated after 17 years due to cheating spouse. Moved into rented accommodation last sat and mistress had moved into marital mortgaged home by wednesday. No settlement has been agreed we are discussing him buying me out.

Husband is going away for business for a week starting sunday. Can I refuse her access to my home? I have a way of securing it without changing locks. Repeatedly told husband I will not allow any third party to reside in the property while neither of us is there.

OP posts:
LotteLupin · 25/11/2019 08:50

You absolutely must go to a solicitor. Most do a free half-hour it so first meeting for them to outline what they can do for you. I have a feeling that moving back in might be what you need to do for the best outcome, but I know that's not an easy idea for you psychologically, and very likely not for your son. (Mind you, it would give the new 'lady' a bit of a surprise when she turned up after work!! 😂).

Really you should be in the house with your son and he should be out somewhere, with her.

walden43 · 25/11/2019 11:04

This reply has been deleted

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SoupDragon · 25/11/2019 11:08

Bog off with your Spam.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 25/11/2019 11:38

OP i'm going to go against the grain here and disagree with almost everyone on this thread.

The house DOESN'T belong to you. The house belongs to your husband. Just because a court will take the value of the house into consideration when determining a divorce settlement doesn't mean that you currently legally own half the house.

Tread carefully.

LotteLupin · 25/11/2019 12:09

Yes NotSmug I totally agree.

Basically OP:

The house isn't yours, and as you've moved out, it also isn't your home. This would have been a reason for staying. Now you have no right to move back, I suspect.

The house is his, and in the divorce, he's obliged to give you half his assets, so half the value of the house. You are also able to have half of the joint possessions (specific details to be agreed). He doesn't have to sell the house - just to give you money to half the value.

As it's not your home now either, you have zero rights over who he gives the keys to and who lives there. So I'm afraid you don't actually have the right to say she can't be there.

This is why we are all talking about seeing a solicitor. A solicitor would no doubt have advised you to stay in the house, as then you would have had more practical control over the asset, somewhere to live, and have been in a strong position for staying there, or for him to have to pay your rent somewhere else.

As he's away right now, I still think you should move back in while she's at work. Then you can honestly say you're back in the marital home and refuse her access. I doubt he will send the police round to make you leave - he can't. You're still his wife and with his child.

Then you need to send a solicitor quickly, while he's still away.

LotteLupin · 25/11/2019 12:11

Not send - see a solicitor.

I'm afraid you've made it too easy for him. £200 on a solicitor now will make a huge difference.

BlackCatSleeping · 25/11/2019 12:30

This is why we are all talking about seeing a solicitor.

She's already said that she has a solicitor.

OP, as hard as it is to let go, you are doing the right thing. He sounds utterly horrible. She isn't lucky to have him.

I wish you the best of luck xx

MsRomanoff · 25/11/2019 13:52

As he's away right now, I still think you should move back in while she's at work. Then you can honestly say you're back in the marital home and refuse her access. I doubt he will send the police round to make you leave - he can't. You're still his wife and with his child.*

Firstly, she risks losing her house if she is actually living somewhere else.

Secondly moving back and forth is disruptive to her son.

OP has said she doesnt want ti move back in and doesnt want to risk her new home.

And what if he did call the police? Or had the locks changed?

People advising all sorts of dramatic acts, forget the OP has a lot to risk as well.

CautiousPractice · 25/11/2019 17:12

Gather round for this is the sordid tale of what happens when a dickhead ex gets on the wrong side of an evil genius.

When my abusive dickhead ex kicked me out of our jointly tenanted home with nothing but a suitcase full of my clothes and my hamster, I was drained emotionally, but I was angry for what he'd done to me. 3 days later, after a lot of back and forth (and threats to finish what he started) I was permitted to collect my personal belongings, but had to leave big furniture that I had brought into the home to offset a debt I owed (sofa, bed, fridge) - I agreed because I had nowhere to store them and made him sign a document that said he couldn't come after the money, because he had received far more than that in goods . I had only agreed to move out if I could collect my things without him present, which he finally agreed to, but I had to post my key when done and I wasn't to take anything that he had purchased when we moved in.

When I arrived, I found that he had moved the tv from the living room and put it in the spare room/man cave with his huge gaming set up, removed the few things belonging to me from the room, and put a padlock on the door. My dad, fuming at what the prick had done to his little girl, hatched a plan, and while my mum and I packed all of my books and personal items, he went off to the hardware store. He bought an identical padlock and used the boltcutters from his van (hes in security) to snap off the lock. We quickly checked the room for any remaining things of mine (and I swiped the photos he had of me in his desk) and not disturbing anything, we closed the door and locked it again with the identical padlock.

I also took every single thing that he had not requested to offset the debt that belonged to me (which was pretty much all of the white goods in the house). I took all of the crockery, all of the cookware, utensils and things. And left behind a single plastic spoon and paper plate in the drawer, and a pair of tongs he had bought. I took all of the towels, and left behind a single facecloth his mum had given him from home (knowing that he had his sport activity that day and would need a shower when he got home). I left the duvet covers because he had bought them, but took all of the bottom sheets. I also took the pillows because I had bought them.

The best thing I did was to take a fish that I had bought from the fishmongers near my parents house (100 miles from him) and frozen, and post it into the hollow metal support beam of our bed. I had taken inspiration from the prawn prank, and a prank pulled on my dad when I was a kid involving a fish being posted into his car heater vents which made it stink. Thinking ahead I put the fish in a plastic food bag, which i left slightly open, so that any juices were contained, but the smell could be released. It also made it hot and moist, the perfect breeding ground for bacteria. I left, satisfied that I would get revenge, posted my keys to never return.

Later that night, I got a message saying You bitch. (I assume this was for the towels, and pillows)
2 days later - bitch what did you do to the padlock, I've just had to saw it off.
The fish thing however was my proudest moment of evil genius, and would probably win awards if I ever felt brave enough to own up to it. It took more than 6 months for him to discover it, by which time I had received so many pleading messages about the smell that I was starting to feel happy again, knowing he was suffering. In the end, he had to replace the bed, curtains, mattress, carpet, basically everything in the bedroom because the smell had absorbed into everything. He finally found the fish as he and his evil mother dismantled the bed to take up the carpet. They rang me screaming because they had gotten covered in rotten fish juice as the bag exploded when the beam was moved.

I moved into my own flat about 2 months after fishgate ended, and he now has no idea where I am. Just that I am the defacto winner of our break up.

Now i'm not saying that OP should do this, because I only took the low road because he had claimed to be taking the high road in one of his many many communications (you know the ones in which he called me a btch and a c*t before the fish started to smell). Do I think STBXH and the homewrecker deserve to be posted a super super old egg, or a steaming dog turd in a box? Yes. But I don't have kids caught up in the cross fire. OP he will get his just desserts, probably in the form of an STD from the woman who gets off on sleeping with married men.

LittleMousewithcloggson · 25/11/2019 17:20

I think that for your mental health and children’s sake you have done the right thing in moving out
However you may have jeopardised any chance of having part of the marital home. It’s not in your name and, as you are not homeless, a court is less likely to force a sale as it is in his name and his only home.
If you had stayed put he would have had to provide a home for his children so you were more likely to get the house - at least until your children were 18
That would be why the solicitor told you not to move
Unfortunately I don’t think you have any say in who stays in that house now
You’ve done what’s best for your kids though

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