Aibu to think mistress shouldn't be in house when husband not there?

[Boozysuzy84]

Recently separated after 17 years due to cheating spouse. Moved into rented accommodation last sat and mistress had moved into marital mortgaged home by wednesday. No settlement has been agreed we are discussing him buying me out.

Husband is going away for business for a week starting sunday. Can I refuse her access to my home? I have a way of securing it without changing locks. Repeatedly told husband I will not allow any third party to reside in the property while neither of us is there.

Your new home sound lovely. I guess just focus on that, making a new life with your ds. Getting the settlement sorted. Try and ignore the two arseholes.

I think you should put her stuff in bin bags outside, send the dog to the shelter where she can reclaim it, and remove whatever you like from the house, including perhaps some personal papers that he may struggle to replace. You have the right to go there, and possession is nine-tenths of the law as I discovered when my ex cleared out the joint bank account. Your solicitor cannot advise you to take items, but you can take them.

@Boozysuzy84

Love that name

You should never have moved but you have now so I would make sure you get a solicitor who gets you a fair settlement. Forget about him and his floozy they sound a right pair of idiots!

Some of the advice here seems entirely motivated by taking the op's obvious vulnerability and trying to create some juicy drama for this thread. Some people are giving terrible advice for their own amusement. Shame on you all.

Stay in your new home and use a solicitor

I agree with everyone advising you to play it low key, stay in nice new council house, contact solicitor, desist from any dramaz and leave the nasty pair to it.

However, does the marital home have carpets? If so, I would find it very difficult not to let myself in and seed and water at least one of the carpets.

My one bit of advice for you, aside from speak to a solicitor which I know everyone has already said, would be, whilst he is away go to the house and remove all personal and sentimental items they YOU WANT! My sister found herself in a very similar situation apart from her DH locked her out of the house and moved his girlfriend in. She was devastated to learn he had removed most of her stuff including sentimental things and taken it all to the dump! He could easily have asked her to collect it but he chose to throw it away. If you have items in the house you want get them out now.

You definitely need to take the high road and play the long game OP, eventually it will work in your favour.

You moved out to give your son the stability you both need. You are putting him first which is the right thing to do.

Your ex sounds a complete piece of work and him and his new bit of stuff make a complete pair. Leave them to it and focus on you and your son, it's so hard and tempting to get immediate revenge but the best 'revenge' is for you to have your best life with out him.

Good luck OP x

Get a really good family law solicitor. And do what they say.

I would hate the girl in Dady's bed scenario. It's no way to introduce this change for your DS. I'd talk to the solicitor about that as well.

I'd be concerned that by walking off, you're going to jeopardise your rights. You say he's sort of agreed to share, but I wouldn't feel comfortable with trusting that bugger.

You could have stayed in the house and he would have had to leave. I know it's bigger than you want but as you say, much nicer. He doesn't have the power here. And yes, it would make me v cross, her taking over my life. But as you say, not worth rising to. She's got herself a horrible man. Great.

What a wanker he is!

Also what sort of person moves into a house where the wife and child have been forced to move. I'd be very unhappy if a partner of mine was that sort of person.

I hope you get the settlement you want and move on, you're so much better than them.

I am so happy the OP seems to switched on. So much bad advice.

'You can legally keep the house til ds is 18' - no you cant, it's not a legal right and probably wont happen

'She is trespassing' - no she isnt, he is the legal owner and invited her to be there.

'Get a mate to watch ds and ring th door bell ever few hours' - yeah spend you time back and forth, to annoy them. Miss spending time with ds or lose time to spend on the new home. And then when they have a camera put on their door step, get done for harassment. Excellent advice.

'The council house will reduce your settlement' - no it wont. Yes she is housed, but, living in a council house now doesnt mean that she will always keep it or not want to buy a house of her own. A judge isn't going to decide she deserves less and must live in a council house forever if she is legally entitled to more. She may want to.

I know several women who did what the OP did and still got a fair settlement.

OP, it is nice to imagine the shit you would do to them. But you are right to focus and whats best for you and your son.

Get angry is great advice if you can focus the anger in a positive way. Pursuing your settlement, many women dont get angry and dont want to get all they are entitled too. Sometimes because they are so hurt. They need to get angry and realise they are entitled to a fair settlement.

But getting angry and trying to cause all the shit, people here are suggesting will play straight into their hands. They will tell people how unhinged you are, psycho ex, get the police involved if they can. They will bond as though its them against the world.

And if this all back fires on you, you will feel even worse.

They are shits. Both of them are shits. Leave them to willow in their own shit together. I am almost certain their relationship will fuck itself up, because they are both shits. But in the long run, you will be happier.

@Boozysuzy84 I feel for you OP. Agree with everyone who has said get solicitor’s advice. It will be really hard and teeth gnashing but I would let her stay in the house. Yeah, she gets to lord it over you now but what has she really got, a cheating partner?!! Go OW 🤦‍♀️🤔 Once a cheat always a cheat and she’ll be in your shoes one day. ‘When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy’ Love this saying 💖

speak to a solicitor and get proper legal advice before you do anything at all.
You do not want to "move back" and potentially lose a stable tenancy for you and your son.

OP. Best to take the moral high ground knowing that his new relationship will eventually fail. In the meantime invest in prawns under the floorboards, sewn into the curtain hems, behind the boiler etc. Try to get some cockroaches and leave them to find their home in his kitchen. Order a plague of locusts.....

Oh, and piss in the vinegar bottle knowing that he will sprinkle it on his chips ( my DM did that!,)

Can HE legally change the locks?

He can’t change the locks, he can seeks an occupation order.
Personally I’d go and remove personal stuff whilst he’s away.

Didnt op say she hadnt taken what she wanted?

And he could change the locks if he suspects someone is coming in the house regularly during the day to move an elf on the shelf or pour vinegar in the milk.

Wouldnt you if an 'unknown person' was coming in your home?

op, you sound great. The man's a shit and an idiot.

Get everything you need or want from the house ASAP. @Hadtonamechangeforthis123 's friend could be me. Ex changed the locks. He wasn't' allowed 'to so I broke in and had an hour to get any stuff. The rest.. Yes he took to the tip and enjoyed telling me in court.

You will be OK though. I can tell. You're a good mum and a good person. Keep moving forward.

Congratulations on your counsel house!

Agree with all the others about taking the high road.

Im a kid of a messy divorce, and im very glad my mum just cut and left without these shenanigans. I have a fairly clear picture of what went on but my parents at the time dealt with it like adults so i was never "caught in the cross fire".

Its all very well people suggesting drama filled things like staking out the house, moving back in, rehoming her dog and shredding his important paper work but ultimately that will all impact on your child.

I know your hurting but mostly that kind of activity just makes you angrier, it makes things messy, creates arguments and doesnt really solve things. It might make you feel like you've won for a day or so, but the feeling will fade.

What happened was hurtful and no ammount of peeing of tooth brushes will make you feel vindicated! All it does is keep your focus on him and her, and in the end these things arent about "winning" its about having what you need to be move on (including your money entitlements).

Ive watched friends get caught up in punishing ex's. Their ex did something horrible, but honestly no matter what retaliation tatics they used, it never felt like enough for what he did. It just meant they spent years of energy thinking on all that went wrong feeling indignant and angry. It didnt make them feel any better, justgave the ex a way of saying "look at my crazy ex" and kept them tied up in whatever ex was doing with mistress.

Trust me getting court settlements, and continue starting a new life is the best way to move on, and feel better.

Sorry to hear this OP, what a horrible situation for you. So happy to hear you have a council house for you and your son, it's bound to take some adjustment but I really think in time it will feel like home. Your son is lucky to have you as his mum, putting his feelings and needs above revenge. What you're feeling sounds natural, but in time when you're back on track, find someone who isn't a lying, repulsive cheat then you'll feel pity for them.

Can HE legally change the locks?: Possibly, if he is a legal owner and OP has moved out into a property in her name. I am not a lawyer. Which is why OP needs legal advice from a qualified person as soon as possible.

OP it really doesn't feel like it at the moment but you have been extremely lucky.

You have a lovely council house that in time you will make a home for you and your DS.

You have seen you soon to be exH for the person he really is. You know you weren't imagining he was having an affair etc. You know that you are emotionally very stable.

You can agree a financial settlement that hopefully you can invest for you and you sons future.

Your future is bright.

Focus on getting the best possible financial settlement for you and your son and focus on on making your house a home. Happiness will follow for you both.

But you're not homeless. How did you manage to get housed as homeless when you have legal rights to occupy the marital home?