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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think mistress shouldn't be in house when husband not there?

235 replies

Boozysuzy84 · 22/11/2019 20:56

Recently separated after 17 years due to cheating spouse. Moved into rented accommodation last sat and mistress had moved into marital mortgaged home by wednesday. No settlement has been agreed we are discussing him buying me out.

Husband is going away for business for a week starting sunday. Can I refuse her access to my home? I have a way of securing it without changing locks. Repeatedly told husband I will not allow any third party to reside in the property while neither of us is there.

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 22/11/2019 23:12

@OneToughMudderFudder and when the court orders that the OP gets 50% of the equity but has to move out and she and her son are stuck in unstable, expensive accommodation? What then? Or when the shitty ex carries on with the OW and OP has to lie in bed at night listeding to them shagging? And when the DS is living in a toxic atmosphere?

ConfusedNoMore · 22/11/2019 23:13

Take all of your possessions including any furniture you need. Don't be too reasonable. He will lock you out as soon as he knows you have keys.

I've been there. It's fucking awful but onwards. I couldn't have fronted it out with abusive ex both in same house. Caution though..my ex made it very hard to get settlement. Cost fortune 8n court. Try and get things moved quickly to a resolution... If you csn without court. If you're not in the home, he may be less motivated to progress things.

OneToughMudderFudder · 22/11/2019 23:15

There's also no way you can control what would happen if you lay in wait for her in the house. As you said, you have no idea what she is like. A confrontation could escalate very quickly and end up with the police being called. You don't want to do anything to jeopardise your contact with your DC.

The only action the police would need to take if it came to that is to remove the trespasser (not the OP) from the property! Why would that jeopardise the OP's contact with her DC seeing as she is his primary carer?

gobbynorthernbird · 22/11/2019 23:18

Who's trespassing?

Lockheart · 22/11/2019 23:33

@OneToughMudderFudder from what she has said, the OP is not the legal owner of the house. Currently that is her husband. As she has moved out, she has no grounds to demand anyone be removed from the house, and indeed in your situation she would be the trespasser, not the OW (who has been invited to live in the house by its legal owner).

OP absolutely has entitlement to part of the equity (which she will get once the divorce is finalised) but she does not have legal control over the actual physical house at the moment.

BestOption · 22/11/2019 23:34

While she’s at work, I would go and take anything you want, it’s equally yours and it’ll save you a lot of money. (Furniture, linen, kitchen stuff etc) Make sure you get everything you want out of there, including copies of paperwork that might be useful etc

Then when you’ve done that, I’d park the car down the road and sit in the lounge, in the dark, until she comes home after work one night. Scare the living shit out of her when she turns the light on! Then say you thought you should meet the woman your DS has said is sharing his Dad’s bed & tearing his little life apart for... then look her up & down, sniff & say it really doesn’t look like it was worth it.

Then I’d tell her to be kind to DS & she’ll get no more bother from me, she’s welcome to the idiot.

TiceCream · 22/11/2019 23:35

OP you need to register your home rights with the Land Registry. Your ex owns the house but as his wife you have an interest in the property. This registration prevents him selling it without your knowledge and protects your right to occupy the property.

Imo you should have stayed in the property and not moved out. You will be awarded at least 50% in the divorce but it’s also possible that you’ll be awarded more than that. Or you could be awarded 50% but the court could postpone the sale until your child turns 18, and your husband would continue to be responsible for paying the mortgage.

By moving out you’ve not only given him the house and the freedom to move another woman in, you’ve also done yourself out of your share of the proceeds because the council will stop your benefits and charge you rent until your lump sum from the house sale is spent. Plus your child is growing up in a council house instead of a privately owned home. If your ex was a decent man he’d want his child to stay in the house until he’s 18! (and this is likely what a court would order)

My advice? Register your rights against the property. Move back in. Kick them both out. And push for the sale to be postponed until your son is 18 - make him keep paying the mortgage!

OneToughMudderFudder · 22/11/2019 23:37

I'd absolutely take that risk Gobby. The OW would not be getting back in the house. The OP as a joint owner of the house does not have to agree to anyone else living there. I'd have family and friends to stay for a few weeks as well. If the H got abusive, the police can take action to get him out of the house.

I'd do everything possible to not let this piece of shit get the upper hand and worry about everything else later. I'd probably make myself ill with festering rage if I let this go in OP's position. Healthier in the long term to stand up and fight IMO. Especially as the H will probably drag out the financials now OW has her feet under the OP's table and will be getting comfortable.

Jumanji89 · 22/11/2019 23:37

@DollyPomPoms this is only the case where they wre living in the property at the outset to protect the lenders rights. No issues from a mortgage perspective of someone moving in post completion

Original poster
Boozysuzy84 · 22/11/2019 23:39

Well I think it's been well established that denying her access will only aggravate the situation, cause more drama and make the situation more stressful. Guess I'll be taking the high road again and doing nothing except sitting back and trying to get the best settlement for my son. all whilst hoping that the tumbler drier in my garage is one of the faulty ones cos that fucker will never empty the lint drawer, it goes on fire the house burns down with those two cunts in it all before our separation agreement is signed and I still get the significant life insurance pay outs. Pray with me mumsnet Grin

OP posts:
Lockheart · 22/11/2019 23:41

@OneToughMudderFudder but the OP is not a joint owner. She has said it's only her H's name on the property - if this is correct then he is the sole legal owner.

The house IS a marital asset. And as such she will have an entitlement to part of the value as part of the divorce settlement. But, from what she has said, she does not own the property. Having an entitlement to part of the value is NOT the same as legal ownership.

littledrummergirl · 22/11/2019 23:44

Elf on a shelf when she's in work, somewhere almost unnoticeable and move every few days.

Disclaimer best take advice from a solicitor first...

Original poster
Boozysuzy84 · 22/11/2019 23:45

BestOption
Ar you on the vino? Smile[wine

TiceCream
Mescher orders (your suggestion that I can in the house until my son is 18) are very rarely given out. Normally only for very long marriages where there are multiple children and the wife/ a child has disabilities preventing the wife from working

OP posts:
Original poster
Boozysuzy84 · 22/11/2019 23:46

littledrummergirl

Best idea yet!!!

OP posts:
SD1978 · 22/11/2019 23:47

Don't be that person. You have every right to want to be that person, and could be, but dont. He is a dick. She has very little morals. You have a new place you can make a home. You were never going to be remaining where you were. Don't be spiteful (although get why you would want to be) as it won't change anything. After a week, he comes back and she's there regardless, with an extra layer of anamosity between you. He's invited her to stay, you need to concentrate on you.

TiceCream · 22/11/2019 23:48

She has said it's only her H's name on the property - if this is correct then he is the sole legal owner
But OP still has legal rights over the property even if it’s solely in his name. She needs to register these rights with the Land Registry ASAP.

www.gov.uk/stay-in-home-during-separation-or-divorce

Ibiza2015 · 22/11/2019 23:49

boozysuzy that comment about them dying in a lint drawer fire did make me laugh.

I agree taking the high road is the best policy. He has proven that he is not worthy of you. Don’t enter into games with them, don’t let them get inside your head. You are moving on with DS to better and brighter things and they don’t deserve your head space.

gobbynorthernbird · 22/11/2019 23:57

@Boozysuzy84 if there's a patron Saint of wronged women out there, I'm sure she's got your back.
I know things are really shit right now, but they will get better. And you're really lucky to have secure housing for you and DS.

Original poster
Boozysuzy84 · 22/11/2019 23:57

Also I am in scotland so it's not as simple as registering my rights with land registry. It would need to be a court order done by a solicitor spending money I just don't have and would be kind of pointless as hes already agreeing in principle to a settlement, it's only smaller issues needing sorted now.

OP posts:
GeordieTerf · 22/11/2019 23:57

Please don’t do anything to the dog (as some posters are suggesting)! Sad

Lockheart · 22/11/2019 23:58

She does @TiceCream but (assuming she has registered her home rights) that will only stop the property being sold without her consent, and had she not already left, it would prevent her being forced to leave.

It does not mean she can change the locks / call the police on the OW for being there etc.

Original poster
Boozysuzy84 · 23/11/2019 00:00

GeordieTerf

I would never. I have a wee doggy too and would never harm an animal. X

OP posts:
Jon6b · 23/11/2019 00:01

Op has marital home rights under the Marital Homes Act but as she is not currently living in the property, and it is not in her name, she has no absolute right of reoccupying the property without leave of the court.
1Rights concerning matrimonial home where one spouse has no estate, etc.

(1)Where one spouse is entitled to occupy a dwelling house by virtue of a beneficial estate or interest or contract or by virtue of any enactment giving him or her the right to remain in occupation, and the other spouse is not so entitled, then, subject to the provisions of this Act, the spouse not so entitled shall have the following rights (in this Act referred to as " rights of occupation ")—

(a)if in occupation, a right not to be evicted or excluded from the dwelling house or any part thereof by the other spouse except with the leave of the court given by an order under this section ;

(b)if not in occupation, a right with the leave of the court so given to enter into and occupy the dwelling house.

(2)So long as one spouse has rights of occupation, either of the spouses may apply to the court for an order—

(a)declaring, enforcing, restricting or terminating those rights, or

(b)prohibiting, suspending or restricting the exercise by either spouse of the right to occupy the dwelling house, or

(c)requiring either spouse to permit the exercise by the other of that right.

princessTiasmum · 23/11/2019 00:01

You are entitled to keep the house if you have a child until is 16, might be 18 now by law

Lockheart · 23/11/2019 00:01

Ah cross-posted with you OP. Afraid I'm not familiar with how this would work in Scotland.

It sounds like you've been through the wringer but I really would encourage you not to try to wind anyone up or get revenge - ultimately it will look very unfavourable come the day at court and given that you seem to be working your way towards an agreement (albeit slowly) it would be cutting your nose to spite your face.

Keep your head high and don't stoop to their level :)