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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think mistress shouldn't be in house when husband not there?

235 replies

Boozysuzy84 · 22/11/2019 20:56

Recently separated after 17 years due to cheating spouse. Moved into rented accommodation last sat and mistress had moved into marital mortgaged home by wednesday. No settlement has been agreed we are discussing him buying me out.

Husband is going away for business for a week starting sunday. Can I refuse her access to my home? I have a way of securing it without changing locks. Repeatedly told husband I will not allow any third party to reside in the property while neither of us is there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boozysuzy84 · 22/11/2019 21:46

Raphael34 have been very dignified thus far. I know its petty but it's so unfair. My son and I were declared homeless and whilst we are extremely lucky to have those council house it's a complete dump compared to my new build house with him. She has literally stolen my life

OP posts:
LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 22/11/2019 21:47

You need to register your matrimonial homes rights if you have not already done so.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 22/11/2019 21:47

@Andysbestadventure

Well, as his wife, and having given up her job in order to care for their child, she will be given half of the equity of the house.

Sounds to me like you're one of those old fashioned mysoginistic types that can't stand it when a woman receives money from her husband for doing no work other than giving up her career in order to raise their DC. And of course, everyone knows just what a doddle it is to raise a child. Short hours, multiple tea breaks, peaceful lunch break, plenty of time to have an affair.... Oh no, hang on a minute...

Bluntness100 · 22/11/2019 21:53

Op have you been married for 17 years? If not how long was the marriage,

If I'm completely honest I really wouldn't go and lock her out the home. It will simply be temporary, they will get thr locks changed and she will get back in.

It's pointless. I know you want to do it for vengeance and as you're angry, but don't sink down. Just try to hold your head up.

advicegiver5 · 22/11/2019 21:53

Get the house to yourself
Get a lawyer involved

Original poster
Boozysuzy84 · 22/11/2019 21:57

Bluntness100

We have been married 7 years, together 10 before that.

I know it seems pointless but they both seem to think I'm done weak person who's willing to lie back and let them both do what they want. My dignity this far could be interpreted as being soft. I want them both to know I know my marital rights to the home .

OP posts:
MoreToEatMoreToDrink · 22/11/2019 21:57

Solicitor OP 💐 I hope they give each other some sort of nasty STD and their genitals melt

ISmellBabies · 22/11/2019 21:58

I'd move back in. And I'd have a big "tidy up" of some shit that was left lying around. You have the council house, keep it, but live in your owned property for now as per your legal advice, until your exh sorts out a settlement. I'm sure it will hurry him along and encourage him to be fair.

ThatsMeInTheSpotlight · 22/11/2019 22:01

The fact is you should have followed your solicitor's advice and not moved out. Now that you have done that, the only reason you should move back is if you've suddenly decided your solicitor was correct and you're going to fight for what you're due.

But I don't think you can hedge your bets by moving to a council house but sneaking back into the marital home to spite the OW. It's not fair on you, your DS or, to be blunt, someone who may need a council house.

I know it's upsetting but whether or not the OW stays there shouldn't be a factor in your decision making.

gobbynorthernbird · 22/11/2019 22:01

Some of the advice here is terrible.
OP, please do not move out of your council house even temporarily. You could lose it.

WiddlinDiddlin · 22/11/2019 22:02

I'd be very careful about following some of this advice, you CANNOT have a council house and live elsewhere, your council property must be your main residence, where you must live for the majority of the time or you will have to give it back.

TrixieFranklin · 22/11/2019 22:02

Please don't just 'let the dog go'Hmm awful advice.

ShippingNews · 22/11/2019 22:02

I have consulted a solicitor who advised me not to move out until a settlement was reached but couldn't not turn down this council house. I can't afford to take over the mortgage

As horrible as this situation is, you and your child now have a secure home. In your situation I'd stay there. See the solicitor about the legal aspect, and try to ignore that someone else is living in the house.

Bluntness100 · 22/11/2019 22:02

Then see a solicitor, send a letter to to start talking about financial settlement, and force the sale of the home, or he needs to buy you out, with whatever your half of the equity is.

Locking her out will last a couple of hours max, until they get the locks changed. He can authorise this. And she will be back in. It really is pointless.

Also and I'm sorry, but he's entitled to have her stay there. It is his house too. 💐

Try not to think she's "stolen your life" . She hasn't. Focus on him and getting what you're entitled to financially.

Bourbonbiccy · 22/11/2019 22:05

And think about how this will affect your son going back to the house he just moved out of and all the aggro that’s going to happen when you lock this woman out.

I have to agree with this, your 4year old son has probably been through enough, this would only cause more confusion

Mamabear1988 · 22/11/2019 22:05

Are your things there? If not, rise above it and don't give them the satisfaction.

ShippingNews · 22/11/2019 22:12

I want them both to know I know my marital rights to the home

But your ex husband also has marital rights to the home. He is entitled to have someone else staying there while he is away working. It's no different than if he had his sister or a friend staying there.

Original poster
Boozysuzy84 · 22/11/2019 22:13

I have no intention of moving back in. That would cause confusion and distress to my son and I could never risk losing this council house we were so lucky to get. I know its petty but I'm just so angry!

He let me "borrow" a sofa until mine arrived I think I'll return it next week and make it known I have keys.

I would love to ...
A. Prevent her access to the home by placing dead bolt on the front door and leaving via the back door because others no way that idiot would have thought to give her a back door key. Or

B. Park there and be sitting in the house with the lights on on monday when she comes back from work I'm sure she wouldn't dare try to gain access? But then I know nothing about her.

OP posts:
spacepyramid · 22/11/2019 22:14

She has a dog, what am I supposed to do with it if it's there when I go back to the house and why am I worried about her dog?

Poor dog. I wouldn't go back there - concentrate on making your new house a home.

spacepyramid · 22/11/2019 22:15

oh, and keep the sofa. Get a removal van and take whatever you want - it's your stuff too.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 22/11/2019 22:15

I wouldn’t move back in for the sake of your 4 year old but couldn’t you arrange to put a few dead fish or something like that at the back of the wardrobe or in her underwear draw whilst they are both out of the house?

Fakeflowersaremynewnormal · 22/11/2019 22:16

Don't do anything to jeopardise the council house, you only got it as you were made homeless, if that is not seen to be the case you could lose it. It might not be as nice as the old house but it is yours long term and doesn't contain a cheating bastard, a major plus in its favour. Concentrate on getting the divorce and your share of the assets as well as a good amount of maintenance for your son.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 22/11/2019 22:16
  • drawer not draw!
BillHadersNewWife · 22/11/2019 22:17

I think you were right to grab that council house OP...it's secure.

But I think you must remember that if your ex buys you out, that influx of cash will affect your benefits.

I assume you're getting some benefits?

You will be best off taking the cash payout from the stupid bastard ex, then working...save the money up. Later down the line, you could maybe buy again...or keep the money for your retirement.

thebabessavedme · 22/11/2019 22:17

ok, dont move back in, just waft in and out quite a bit, make yourself a cup of tea, use the washing machine, watch a dvd, leave your shoes in the hall etc, its still the marital home and he cant have it all his own way, i might have a bath, use the loo roll, that sort of thing Grin, you cant change the locks but neither can he!