Aibu to think mistress shouldn't be in house when husband not there?

[Boozysuzy84]

Recently separated after 17 years due to cheating spouse. Moved into rented accommodation last sat and mistress had moved into marital mortgaged home by wednesday. No settlement has been agreed we are discussing him buying me out.

Husband is going away for business for a week starting sunday. Can I refuse her access to my home? I have a way of securing it without changing locks. Repeatedly told husband I will not allow any third party to reside in the property while neither of us is there.

Living in the marital home after a marriage breakdown is extremely toxic. Count yourself very lucky that you have another house to go to and that he let you take your son with you.
It's truly a blessing, even though it may not feel like it. Many people have to wait lengthy periods (months and months) for a court hearing in order to get a court's permission to be allowed to move their child (ie when the other parent refuses permission).

Some terrible advice on here and some ludicrous advice.

Op, as a pp said, make sure you don't do anything to jeapordise your current home. You don't want to start a war with them, where they retaliate and you suffer for it.

Just take the high road. As hard as it is.

Why do you want to create drama? It's not helping you process what's happened or helping you develop the right mindset to get the best out of this divorce. There's also no way you can control what would happen if you lay in wait for her in the house. As you said, you have no idea what she is like. A confrontation could escalate very quickly and end up with the police being called. You don't want to do anything to jeopardise your contact with your DC.

Oh yes I think as soon as he goes then it's the perfect opportunity to go back to your property to do some sorting out. I'd obviously be deadbolting the doors and going out the back while you do so, you never know who might try and get in. The loo probably needs a good clean by now, really those hard to get to bits that need a toothbrush if you know what I mean.

Get financial advice now about investing any money you get from him, look at ISAs etc. Don't keep it in a savings account.

Has your solicitor registered your interest in the house? In case he tries to transfer some of it to her.

There is some truly terrible advice on here. You need to take real life legal advice and play everything above board.

Don't be cruel to the dog and let it out or shut it in the garden (I can't believe some people are suggesting this!).

Don't act as though the house is yours. As it's only his name on the mortgage it is technically his property. You will certainly be entitled to a portion of the equity in the divorce but that is a very different thing to having ownership of the physical property now.

Don't move back in and jeopardise your council tenancy, or risk him calling the police to have you removed - yes, you are married, but as it's only his name on the mortgage / deeds, he might be able to do this. Either way, don't escalate the situation.

You are lucky to have got a council house and I wouldn't do anything to jeopardise that.

As annoying and embittering as it is, if the house is going to end up being sold then she probably won't be there long. She probably won't be long there anyway if she's in the habit of moving homes.

Get any stuff you need in one trip - legal paperwork etc - and then go to a solicitor. You need proper legal advice and enforcement of it, not drama. Your son will need the financial support too.

ImGoingToBangYourHeadsTogether

Probably the best advice on here

Have you furnished the council house? If not, go get loads of furniture while she is at work. It's half yours.

I think I'd rather keep my 'secret access' to the house via a key they don't know I have than blow that by going in the house and causing trouble. The first thing they're going to do once you leave is change the locks. And start destroying or 'addressee unknown' any mail that comes for you.

You need to play the 'long game' here. Causing shit now may feel good for the moment, but what will it really accomplish as far as your future goes?

See the solicitor, work on forcing the sale of the house or forcing him to buy you out. That's where the real satisfaction is; seeing him have to find another place to live that he can afford or remortgage and take on a huge debt.

Can I refuse her access to my home?

No.

I have a way of securing it without changing locks

It would be eminently foolish.

Repeatedly told husband I will not allow any third party to reside in the property while neither of us is there

I’m afraid it isn’t your call.

You’re having a shit time but you’ve got a new home now. Stop equating dignity with weakness.

Ignore what they’re doing - it doesn’t matter to you. It won’t have a bearing on what you’re legally entitled to.

Revenge is never the best medicine.

Park there and be sitting in the house with the lights on on monday when she comes back from work I'm sure she wouldn't dare try to gain access

Oooh, I fucking would if I were her!

@Lockheart - Terrific advice. Can't believe the horrible advice given here. This is OP's life...it's not a drama to be witnessed.

Also, yes, the house, while still the marital home, is the husband's property. OP is entitled to equity but the property is the husband's.

I'm sorry OP. Your (ex) husband is a cruel man and they are both shameless.

I had similar and frankly having your own secure tenancy ( and therefore a solid base to start again) is absolutely worth it’s weight in gold.
Knowing the other woman’s is in your old house is devastating.I also feel for your son as well as you.
But it’s done. You need to kick arse and go forward and you are out and free to do that. Finding a job, getting a new boyfriend in a year or two and raising your son us all much easier if the dick ex isn’t in your headspace.

Park there and be sitting in the house with the lights on on monday when she comes back from work I'm sure she wouldn't dare try to gain access

Yeah and when she tells the council the op isn't homeless and isn't living in her council property and gets evicted that will work well won't it.

Honestly I think some people are on the vino and making up daft suggestions for the shits and giggles.

As a pp said the property is legally her husbands, she will be entitled to a share of the equity. As the marriage is only seven years old, it depends on how long he has owned the house, and whose funds it was bought with,on what that share is.

Move her stuff about whilst she's out.

Personally I’d just let it go, you have your own home now and to waste your energy on such a bogin wee dirt, is just going to drain you and not the dirty wee rat.

I'm fully with @ImGoingToBangYourHeadsTogether on this! I would just focus on your son, and making your new house a home for you both, you've fallen on your feet with your house as you admitted, so invest your time and energy into the next chapter of your life! If you mishandle this then the rest of the divorce process will just be horrendous.

Take comfort in the fact that your husband sounds like an absolute idiot, who's been flattered by a younger woman, they will come unstuck and she will more likely swan off with another older man in a few years time when she's bled your husband dry....by which time you will be back on your feet and thriving ♥️

Don't give him any ammunition. Rise above and just ignore it all happening, focus on your son. His behaviour in having the OW there for contact time was absolutely disgusting though, what a vile man.

OP please realise that most people here wouldnt do anything they suggested. I am sure some people just hope to cause drama.

How is any of the petty advice you and your son in the long run?

Trust me when I say, sitting back and not rising to it pays off in the long run. I dis it. It isnt weak. The kids now dont see exh because of how petty he is. We live in a smaller 3 bed terrace and are blissfully happy.

My exh, as far as I know didnt cheat and I left him. But he for with someone soon after. Had her round the kids and moved in 12 weeks later. It was a 50:50 split. He loved to try and use her to wind me up.

She also liked to try and wind me up so they could feed everyone the 'she is so bitter'. I didnt I just got on with what I needed too. A few years later it's quite obvious who happier. They are still together, but dont live together, the kids realise when either of them they and blame me, its not true and they dint give so much. His own fault.

I am much happier knowing I disnt spend time and energy, that could have been focused on the kids, focussing on them.

You could pee on her toothbrush.
Not practical advice but you’d feel better.

Single trip back to gather belongings while she as work. Before leaving, take all the toilet rolls, put a squit of vinegar in the milk and some washing up liquid in the kettle. Sorted.

I'm sorry but no way would I allow my DS to end up in a council house while my cheating cunt of a husband stayed in my luxury new build shagging his mistress in my bed!

I'd move back in as soon as the house was empty, make sure the mistress couldn't get back in after chucking the skank's stuff out the door and would stay put until a court settlement was reached. I'd drop the dog off at her work, making sure their colleagues knew why it was being dropped off.

Its highly likely you'd be able to stay in the house until you DS reached 18 anyway. I'd work my bollocks off to afford to live there so he couldn't.

You could always say that the council house was unsuitable if it's brought up later in court proceedings.

But that's me.

Find your anger OP.

I'd also document that your DS was disturbed by seeing her in his bed on his first contact visit.