To think buying things for a baby doesn't cause miscarriage

[AliceAbsolum]

Newly pregnant, due in July. Thrilled. My mum said to me yesterday "Now don't start buying anything until after spring next year, you'll jinx it".

Sorry what?

Is this a 'boomer' thing?

I mean I don't intend to have the pram downstairs ready to go for 6 months and a fully decorated nursery, but getting the odd thing, especially in the January sales seems sensible to me

No, but it will make it harder if god forbid something does happen and you then have to start removing things. It’s beyond heart breaking and distressing. Your mother is looking out for you.

When I was first pregnant I saw my GP to get the referral to MW, and said I was excited but not counting anything until I had the 12 week scan antidote it was 'safe' - he said that pregnancy is never safe (he has a DD who was disabled due to complications at birth I believe), that stuck with me & I never assumed.

I lost my first pregnancy to miscarriage at 8 weeks. Thankfully I hadn't rushed out and started buying anything, so didn't have that to contend with.

With my next pregnancy (which was successful) I refused to let myself believe in the baby, and I certainly didn't buy anything until very late on, when I absolutely had to. Some people might call it superstition, I felt it was more like self preservation. I felt that if I dared to allow myself to start believing in the baby then I was sure to miscarry again. To me it had a crazy kind of logic to it.

I even managed to get through the whole pregnancy in that sort of denial and be shocked when I actually gave birth to DD1. She is 24 now, but I remember those feelings as clearly as if it were yesterday.

Your OP is somewhat dismissive of the powerful feelings experienced by those who miscarry, and the boomers remark was inappropriate.

Good luck with your pregnancy. I hope all goes smoothly.

I had started knitting. It was an IVF baby after infertility and we were both devastated. I still remember DH's face when we got home and I sat down and started ripping out row after row of stitches. Unravelling our dreams and plans.

But if course preparations don't cause anything. I nearly lost my mind but never did I think that!

Well 20 years service in the NHS will do that to you.

"I do worry whether the trend of knowing the sex/naming the baby/having baby showers makes things even harder for parents whose baby is born asleep."

I didn't have a baby shower but my stillborn son had a name before he was born and he continues to have a name now. I don't think it makes it any harder. Your child having died is the hard thing.

Knowing my baby's sex and his name before he was born are precious memories I hold dear. It felt like I knew him for more than just those 5 days we had with him

YABU to buy into the whole “Ok boomer” shit. Anyone who uses that phase might as well have a sign over their head that says “I’m a colossal twat”.

'Carry on'?

Leaving you some space to reflect on that choice of words, hopefulhalf. As someone who has had six first-trimester miscarriages.

OP, IME previous loss does make one more cautious. My final pregnancy, I didn't tell people until I was actually showing (quite early on for me, 14 weeks ish) and bought most of the stuff that was needed in the couple of weeks before the due date.

As a more general point: I think in the past the attitude was to discourage mothers to engage with their loss (not see the baby, certainly not name him/her, etc) in the assumption/expectation that they would 'get over it' more quickly. I also think we are a lot more compassionate now in the general acceptance that the grieving mother/parents need to take the lead. Pre-anticipation of loss doesn't make it a great deal easier when that loss comes (again IME).

So you started a thread to say It want to do what I want’ and then insult as many people as you can think of and then keep adding to it......
OK then........

Op, you have the emotional reach of plankton.
Do what you want. Of course there is no causal link between the 2 things. Your mum is using the collective knowledge of millions of women of the difficulty of being surrounded by things bought with hope and love if the worst happens.

I’m currently 16 weeks pregnant and am too scared to buy anything as I know that if something goes wrong, I will find it very distressing to have any baby things around the house.

I'm with your mum after a healthy dc

Then a MMC at 18 weeks and a MMC at 10 weeks I'm glad we didn't have any extra baby bits floating around to have to deal with.

Had healthy heartbeat scans at 8 weeks with both incidentally

@TryingToBeBold I've never had to to be referred by my gp to early pregnancy. I've self referred. Suppose thats due to previous miscarriages.

I don't think there's any benefit to living in fear. Yes miscarriages and stillbirths could happen, but if it is a first pregnancy, there is a good chance there will eventually be a baby in the home one day.

How does this work for women who are pregnant with a second (or third/fourth) baby would already have all the bits in their home? Do those women who are superstitious not go through their older DCs clothes/blankets/etc to prepare for the new baby until they are very late in pregnancy for fear of "jinxing" it?

didn’t buy anything until after 30 weeks, and even then STBXH felt uncomfortable about it. He’s a paediatrician, not a boomer, and very aware from his job that not every pregnancy, sadly, ends in a healthy, live baby.

There’s a balance imo. DH is a doctor and and yes, also very aware that pregnancy doesn’t guarantee a healthy live baby. I was also aware of that. Isn’t almost everyone? I’ve never met a woman who’s admitted that once she found out she was pregnant she just assumed she’d have a baby in nine months. There’s so much talk of miscarriage these days (thankfully), most people know someone who’s had one, lots of storylines on soaps include them. When we found out we were pregnant at four weeks our approach was one of ‘oh this is a good start, let’s see how it goes’, and before each scan I spent time acknowledging the outcome could be tragic to try and steel myself. But we did start buying things after 30wk, purely so it wasn’t a crazy rush later on and to account for pre term labour. Hasn’t made either of us presume there’ll therefore be a guaranteed lovely outcome. But I personally believe if things go wrong still (due in four weeks!) I’ll not be in any way less devastated and heartbroken and bereft to have to come home to baby things. On the contrary, I think I’d feel worse if I’d felt he had never been prepared for, like he’d existed less. Everyone is different.

I didn't buy anything until around 20 weeks with my first. I'm not usually superstitious but there was always the what if in the back of my mind and like others I didn't want any sad reminders if the worst happened... I was born in the 70s if it helps. That said if you want to buy stuff go for it, whatever makes you happy, it is really exciting... Oh and congratulations!

I’m surprised so many people have such strong opinions on what others do. With our first, we ordered lots on Black Friday or the January sales because we got good deals. Most things had a long lead time and I could set a late delivery date so nothing was in the house. I was always a bit wary about ordering early but my husband promised that if anything happened, I’d not have to see any of the baby things or deal with the returns. With our second, all the stuff was in the house ready. The superstition only really works for the first baby.

I am talking about the way people carry on in the 1st and 2nd trimester.
You think someone whose baby does at 25 weeks is "carrying on" about just a fetus and justify that by 20 years in the NHS? Jesus I hope you're not patient facing and if you are if for bunions!

*dies

How does this work for women who are pregnant with a second (or third/fourth) baby would already have all the bits in their home? Do those women who are superstitious not go through their older DCs clothes/blankets/etc to prepare for the new baby until they are very late in pregnancy for fear of "jinxing" it?

How many times do people need to point that this isn't a 'superstition'? It's a perfectly sensible caution some people not all choose to exercise until they have what they considerable assurances that their pregnancy will result in a baby to bring home. For people for whom this is not a first child, those items already belong to/have been used by a baby who already exists, and it's a completely different scenario.

And those who have already have a child will also realise how little you in fact need for a newborn. There's no need to go on any kind of buying spree.

And those who have already have a child will also realise how little you in fact need for a newborn.

I keep seeing that, and even after my 4th kid I still cannot agree with it!
Yes, you could survive with very little, but to live a normal life, you do actually get good use of A LOT of baby stuff - and that's why it's available, because it's useful.

Morning everyone.

We've had a number of reports about this thread and have removed a few posts that breached our guidelines.

Hopefully things things are back on track on but please do report anything further that breaks TGs.

I had three miscarriages before having DD1 (including two after we'd seen a heartbeat), and my own personal experience is that even if you know full well that you're going to try again, it doesn't hurt any less to look at baby things when you've had bad news.

The generally accepted figure is between 1/5 and 1/3 pregnancies ending in miscarriage, and then post 24 weeks gestation, 1 in 225 pregnancies result in a stillbirth. I can absolutely see why there is an element of self preservation in not buying things ahead of time, even in this day and age.

Having said all of that, I'd probably not leave it as late as we did. Our pram was delivered as we were leaving the house to go to hospital to have DD1 😁