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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have you taken your child to a funeral?

171 replies

Cornberry · 20/11/2019 20:01

My father passed away last week after a long battle with cancer, and at first I was certain that I didn’t want to take my 4 year old daughter to the funeral because it would be upsetting to see us all in pieces and she can’t sit still anyway. But now I’m having second thoughts. She has accepted his death quite easily, perhaps having not seen him much during his final months in hospital. She was fond of him but I didn’t think it was useful to bring her. Now I’m worried that I am skipping an important part of the process for her. She won’t get a chance to say goodbye, or any closure. I’d like to know people’s thoughts and experiences of taking small children to funerals.

OP posts:
DelurkingAJ · 20/11/2019 20:03

We took our DSs to my DDad’s funeral. They were 4 and 1. They also came to the Memorial Service. Didn’t occur to me not to. They were fine.

advicegiver5 · 20/11/2019 20:04

I wouldnt what a traumatic experience

CactusAndCacti · 20/11/2019 20:04

I took an almost 6 year old, a 4 year old and a 5 week old to my fil's. It was ok, but they didn't have the coffin going, just faded the lights. My mum was on hard to take them out if needed (took 4 year old, ASD)

Lipperfromchipper · 20/11/2019 20:05

Yes, I’m Irish and I have taken mine to wakes and funerals, it’s fairly normal and a part of life here. From what I see anyway.

IGot5OnIt · 20/11/2019 20:06

I have never take my son (8) however I did take my daughter when she was 4 months mainly because I had no one to have her but I'm glad she wasn't older as I was a mess and had to pass her to my friend, I wouldn't want them to see me like that, I have always done something special with my son to mark the passing, planted a plant, wrote a little letter etc

trying29 · 20/11/2019 20:06

I took my 4 year old recently to my grandmothers funeral. He was fine on the day - it is the concept of death that he is subsequently struggling to deal with. I would make the same decision again in hindsight though

Teachermaths · 20/11/2019 20:06

I took my 2yo, it was fine til he asked "Where's Aunty X?"

I'd take him again though, I think it's a part of life. The only exception would be a tragic death of a young person. That would be traumatic. Most funerals are a celebration of a relatively old person's life.

CuckooSings · 20/11/2019 20:07

We compromised. Dcs were 10, 9 and 4 (eldest 2 have SEN so mentally younger) when my husbands Grandmother died. She had been a part of their lives. They didn't come to the Church service or the cremation but attended the Wake at the end. The Wake is the bit where people tend to tell stories and share memories and there is less need for silence and stillness

babbi · 20/11/2019 20:07

I’m sorry for your loss xx

whiteroseredrose · 20/11/2019 20:08

Our DC have come to all of our family funerals (and weddings too) from the age of about 4. It's a rite of passage.

Bcnamechanger · 20/11/2019 20:08

I took mine to my DGM funeral (when 2/3) and dgf funeral a few years later (5/6). It was fine. Funerals are for the living, not the dead, so all the family were happy to see them. It was upsetting, but I'm a firm believer in the idea that it's ok to be sad and explain that to kids and that it's better for them to understand sooner than later.

Both times dh was on duty to get them out of there if there was trouble but they were fine.

GrumpyHoonMain · 20/11/2019 20:09

I personally think it’s more traumatic for kids if they aren’t involved in funerals. DN suffered from anxiety for years when Sil left him out of his great-gran’s funeral because of ‘school’ (he was 5 so the exams wouldn’t have been important but sil insisted and it wasn’t challenged). He’s 8 now and only just able to accept that the people around him won’t go to heaven suddenly.

piesforever · 20/11/2019 20:09

Yes took kids aged 8 and 12 and dd even wrote her own eulogy for her grandparent. So sad but right for us.

ParkheadParadise · 20/11/2019 20:09

All 7 great- grandchildren went to my mum's funeral.

elliejjtiny · 20/11/2019 20:10

My dc have been to a few funerals and they've been fine. They've never been to the crematorium/cemetery bit though, just the church service and the tea afterwards.

vdbfamily · 20/11/2019 20:12

mine have been to lots of funerals as I had numerous great uncles and aunts. I have never understood why people object to this. Presumably they have already seen you sad? I remember my kids just being very curious and asking lots of questions about the coffin being buried etc. They are much more matter of fact than us adults and I also think it brings balance to a funeral when there is also young life around.

category12 · 20/11/2019 20:13

Yes. Of course. Part of life.

WhenDoesTheWashingEnd · 20/11/2019 20:15

We took my then 2 year old to DH's granddad's funeral.
Initially MIL was against us brining DS but we said it was important not to hide things like this from children.
She did relent in the end, DS came as well as his cousins who are similar ages. She also admitted that having the young children there gave her something positive to focus on and helped the grieving process.

The only (slightly) awkward moment was when the coffin went through the hatch in the crematorium at the end of the service and DS said (quite loudly) "Bye bye!". Blush
Brought a tear to the eye at the time but years later we all smile about it now.

helpmum2003 · 20/11/2019 20:19

Sorry for your loss OP.

Yes ours have been to two family ones. At least one child was primary school age. It was older relatives so while sad a celebration of lives. Dying is part of life and damaging for kids not to experience the processes I think. And to learn that grief is natural and to allow you to grieve in front of them.

Weebitawks · 20/11/2019 20:21

I've always taken mine along if it was someone close. I come from a Catholic family and always went. I've got a fairly healthy attitude towards death and I think it was largely down to not being shielded from it.

Mamabear144 · 20/11/2019 20:35

I took ds when he was 11 months, I was in bits and he smiled at me and held my hand, he didn't know what was happening but he knew I needed him. There were a few other children there and two 8yo did readings, they did a fantastic job. It depends if its going to be a big funeral or not, a few weeks before hand I didn't bring him to one as I knew it would be a huge one and crowded.

june2007 · 20/11/2019 20:37

AS my DD was around 2 I didn,t but any older then 4 then yes. DEath is part of life.

OrangeZog · 20/11/2019 20:38

My daughter was cremated and also had a memorial service at church. My older children (preschool age) came to the church service but not to the crematorium.

Longfacenow · 20/11/2019 20:38

Sorry for your loss.

Yes all my family take our children to close family funerals from toddlers up. I wouldn't want to be unable to sob my heart out though and have to hold back so depending on circumstances might think about how it feels for me, not just them.

StoneofDestiny · 20/11/2019 20:39

No - I didn't see the need at such a young age to confront them with more adult concerns. Time enough.