Page 5 | Have you taken your child to a funeral?

Cornberry · 2019-11-20T20:01:32+00:00

My father passed away last week after a long battle with cancer, and at first I was certain that I didn’t want to take my 4 year old daughter to the funeral because it would be upsetting to see us all in pieces and she can’t sit still anyway. But now I’m having second thoughts. She has accepted his death quite easily, perhaps having not seen him much during his final months in hospital. She was fond of him but I didn’t think it was useful to bring her. Now I’m worried that I am skipping an important part of the process for her. She won’t get a chance to say goodbye, or any closure. I’d like to know people’s thoughts and experiences of taking small children to funerals.

Evennow · 21/11/2019 08:11

Took 6 yr old to church but not to crematorium. She was clingy & sleepy - I held her & she was fine.

Tigger001 · 21/11/2019 08:18

Sorry for your loss, I took my DS when he was 6months (I was distraught but my DH was there to support me and take my DS if needed). DS was again with me just before he was 2 and he knew people were upset but didn't really understand.

I think only you know your child and how they would deal with it. I believe that showing your emotions in front of you child is a good thing and death is part of life, I would take my DS if he were 4.

TheClaws · 21/11/2019 08:21

*I took a 4 year old to his great-granny's funeral on two different occasions. He suffered no trauma, was well-behaved (with the judicious application of a lolly to suck from halfway through) and seemed to bring a lot of joy to the other (elderly-relative) mourners.

On the other hand, he did say "If Great-Granny's body is in that box...what did they do with her head?!!" loudly enough for others nearby to hear during one of the slow processions in*

These were mourners at a funeral. They were not feeling a lot of joy because of your 4 year old’s shenanigans. And his saying things like that that is why you don’t take kids to funerals. Not his fault - he was just too young.

welshladywhois40 · 21/11/2019 08:21

I am sorry for your loss. My sister brought her 6 year old to our mothers funeral and she coped fine. But I don't remember her coming to the grave part - that I think is not suitable for a small child

Is it possible for her to come to the after part only maybe? That way she can still be there with family but miss the service?

Shmithecat2 · 21/11/2019 08:25

Ds is 4 and I've never taken him to a funeral. I wouldn't now either. Yes, death is part of life, but he has years ahead of him - plenty of time to experience that side of life, I've no need to introduce him to it now.

TheClaws · 21/11/2019 08:26

And often, small children asking inappropriate questions at inopportune times will just serve to lighten the mood and people do appreciate seeing small children at funerals. They really do!

They really don’t. Your kids aren’t comedic relief. It’s a funeral. Inappropriate questions are inappropriate for a reason: they make others uncomfortable. Let the loved one be honoured in peace without your children having to take the spotlight all the time.

isabellerossignol · 21/11/2019 08:31

I'm Irish so children at funerals is something no one even questions. It's not really that people love to see them there or that they provide light relief (although honestly I can't imagine anyone here finding a child's questions or comments about death inappropriate), it's just that they are viewed as part of the family and as entitled to be a mourner as anyone else. No more or no less than that.

ArnoldWhatshisknickers · 21/11/2019 08:37

Sorry for your loss.

We always took our children to funerals. It's the norm in both our families and among most of our friends. Death is part of life, young children do have questions and being included helps understanding.

Milicentbystander72 · 21/11/2019 08:46

I've also always taken my dcs to funerals.

Unfortunately it started when they were very young. My best friend lost 2 DD's at 4 and 2.5yrs. Utterly tragic. My friend expressly asked that children come to the funeral so I took them. It was fine. We all cried huge amounts. My dcs were 4 and 2 at the time. It didn't effect them.

Years later my dd came to me to ask about death and what I thought happened afterwards. We discussed many different ideas. Dd says she remembered the wicker coffins at the funeral. It was a way of talking to dd about fairly big important stuff.

My DF died a few years ago. My dcs were 11 and 9. There was no way they weren't coming. Yes, I was in pieces. They sat next to me and hugged me and held my hand and listened carefully to the poetry, the speeches and the music. They said it was really important to them.

Death is a part of life. I don't believe in shielding dcs from huge, painful moments in life. Let them see your upset. In my experience it will open up discussions about our feelings and even wider discussions about the world.

transformandriseup · 21/11/2019 09:08

We always took our children to funerals. It's the norm in both our families and among most of our friends. Death is part of life, young children do have questions and being included helps understanding.

I agree and my family do the same.

Damntheman · 21/11/2019 09:15

They really don’t. Your kids aren’t comedic relief. It’s a funeral. Inappropriate questions are inappropriate for a reason: they make others uncomfortable. Let the loved one be honoured in peace without your children having to take the spotlight all the time

They really do. Everyone needs a bit of light among the clouds. It's got nothing to do with children having the spotlight. Mine didn't have the spotlight at all, most people didn't even notice they were there as the baby slept and my three year old was quiet as a mouse with his stickers. Nice bit of projecting there love.

Disfordarkchocolate · 21/11/2019 09:16

Babies and young children can be just what people need at a funeral/wake.

Babdoc · 21/11/2019 09:20

I didn't take my babies to my DH's funeral. They were too young to know what was going on (8 months and just turned two years) and I was in pieces and couldn't have coped with them on top of my grief.
Thankfully, the district midwife and the health visitor offered to look after them at my house, so no relatives would have to miss the funeral.
I think it's fine to take older children, when you can be sure they won't disrupt the service and upset the grieving widow/widower.

MarysInTheDyson · 21/11/2019 09:23

Yes i took my dds to dh/their dad's funeral at 11 and 13

HiJenny35 · 21/11/2019 09:30

I was taken as a child and found it totally horrific. Seeing my family that upset made me terrified. I've never taken my children and don't think it's appropriate for people to take theirs. The last funeral I was at had children at it. They were confused about what was going on, worried about the amount of people upset, constantly looking round. I forced myself to not cry, ended up not really listening to the services and just kept straight faced because I didn't want to upset them anymore. I didn't feel like I could grieve with young children looking on concerned and a could of my friends said they didn't like them being there so it's not universally accepted. I've always taken mine after the funeral to place a rose and explained the passing in a 1-2-1 situation where questions could be asked.

isabellerossignol · 21/11/2019 09:35

My earliest memory of attending a funeral was when a grandparent was buried and the wake and funeral service were in our house, so not attending would have been impossible as there was nowhere else I could possibly be because all my extended family were at the funeral. I would have been 4. It was fine. I remember that I didn't cry, because I had cried and cried a couple of days earlier when I had been told about the actual death, and I remember thinking how all the adults had managed not to cry until the actual funeral itself and wondering how they managed it.

TheClaws · 21/11/2019 09:45

They really do. Everyone needs a bit of light among the clouds. It's got nothing to do with children having the spotlight. Mine didn't have the spotlight at all, most people didn't even notice they were there as the baby slept and my three year old was quiet as a mouse with his stickers. Nice bit of projecting there love.

No projecting, but thanks. I just detest the idea that your kids need to go everywhere. I’m glad your baby slept and three year was quiet with stickers, but why did you bother taking them at all? What were they going to gain out of it? As for “everyone needs a bit of light among the clouds”, perhaps at the wake, but not the funeral. It is selfish to think otherwise. A funeral is time to let family grieve in peace.

Crackerofdoom · 21/11/2019 09:54

I would have taken my 2 DCs (5 and 2) to my DF's funeral but my mother asked me not to as she felt they would be a distraction. (The service was private, only about 10 of us there) It meant that DH couldn't come as we had nobody to watch them (I live abroad and had to fly in for the funeral) and it really hurt that I was not able to have my family with me. All my siblings had their partners with them and I felt very alone.

My DF would have insisted that they go as he was a great believer in having the kids at everything but I wanted to do what was best for my DM.

Nobody can make this decision for you and although some will have very strong views one way or the other, only you know your children and your family. It depends on how you think you will be, how sensitive your kids are, how much support you will have there.

isabellerossignol · 21/11/2019 09:54

A funeral is time to let family grieve in peace.

Are children not family? Granted a three month old won't have a clue what is happening but a three year old certainly will. You could equally say that it's selfish of adults to want to exclude children for their own convenience.

Besidesthepoint · 21/11/2019 09:58

Can you ask a good friend if they can take her outside with a book/colouring book or whatever if she gets fidgity or if it gets too intens? Have the friend sit close and wave as a signal?

Damntheman · 21/11/2019 10:01

No projecting, but thanks. I just detest the idea that your kids need to go everywhere. I’m glad your baby slept and three year was quiet with stickers, but why did you bother taking them at all? What were they going to gain out of it? As for “everyone needs a bit of light among the clouds”, perhaps at the wake, but not the funeral. It is selfish to think otherwise. A funeral is time to let family grieve in peace

I took them (not that it’s any of your business) because my baby was breastfeeding and it was my father’s fucking funeral. Have a little respect. My son has learned a lot by seeing my honest responses to losing my father. I feel it was a valuable experience for him. My kids needed to go to that funeral because it’s their bloody family. Grief you are being a very nasty person right now.

category12 · 21/11/2019 10:04

A funeral is time to let family grieve in peace.

As per pp, children are family.

I prefer a funeral where there's a lovingly told funny anecdote about the deceased, and the next generation, their legacy, around.

ilovetofu · 21/11/2019 10:09

I would take them to their own grandparents funeral yes.
But not a more distant relative - my aunt or uncle for eg. Unless they were close.

Kanga83 · 21/11/2019 10:09

Yes- I took my then 5 and 3 year old to my grandmothers funeral this year and I'm glad I did. I had huge reservations about doing so much child care meant I had too. However it worked out brilliantly- in church they both had our phones to play on silently (in my culture our funerals are two hours long and open coffin). I didn't go to the cemetery as my girl was struggling with the concept of being buried when great granny was in the sky now, and I took lots of toys /colouring / bubbles etc for the reception afterwards . At the end of the day I was emotionally exhausted but my eldest said 'great granny would have liked today and seeing our bubbles from heaven wouldn't she'. She still speaks of the day in fond ways, despite it tearing me up (my grandmother raised me).

Roselilly36 · 21/11/2019 10:10

So sorry for your loss.

Do what you think is best for your DD, don’t feel pressure from other family members for her to attend if you don’t think it is right for her. It’s hard to see adults upset, also something to consider is if your DD attends and gets upset, would that mean you leaving your Dads funeral to comfort her.