Have you taken your child to a funeral?

[Cornberry]

My father passed away last week after a long battle with cancer, and at first I was certain that I didn’t want to take my 4 year old daughter to the funeral because it would be upsetting to see us all in pieces and she can’t sit still anyway. But now I’m having second thoughts. She has accepted his death quite easily, perhaps having not seen him much during his final months in hospital. She was fond of him but I didn’t think it was useful to bring her. Now I’m worried that I am skipping an important part of the process for her. She won’t get a chance to say goodbye, or any closure. I’d like to know people’s thoughts and experiences of taking small children to funerals.

I have taken my DD (now 10) to funerals. When she was 3 she went to my DGMs, when she was 6 she went to my DMs. She understood the gravity of the situation and sat quietly next to me, giving me hugs when I was crying.

Sorry for your loss OP.
I’m Irish and it’s usual in my family to have the body st home within a day and then the house is open house for maybe 2 days until the funeral. Relatives, friend, neighbours all call in with children. Often they bring food and everyone has a cup of tea and a bite to eat. The atmosphere varies according to the visitors but is often full of laughter and recounting of happy memories - very suitable for children. My kids learned from they were babies that death is a part of life and you can have a good life and a good death.

Children need to be included in this important part of grieving. It’s fine for them to see people upset and crying. In fact I remember feeling very upset I wasn’t allowed to go to my grandads funeral. My mum says it is something she really regrets and should have allowed me to go.

I did, but it was a 'celebration of life' rather than a funeral, and small children were explicitly welcome. (Deceased had beloved small grandchildren and wanted them to feel welcome). DH was on hand to take DS out, and did do this - he lasted for about half of it.
Take her if you want her there, but I wouldn't do it for her sake - funerals tend to be very adult and I think it would probably go over her head. In your shoes I would find another child-focused way to say goodbye - perhaps leaving flowers on his grave, or drawing him a card, or lighting a candle and talking about all your favourite memories of him or something.

My children went to their grandfather's funeral age 4 and 6, and their own father's funeral at 5 and 7. I think it's important for children, it's part of life. Just recently I was talking to my younger child about this, now age 10. He told me in no uncertain terms that of course he should have gone to their funerals, and he would have never forgiven me had I denied him this.

I probably wouldn’t if you have someone to look after her. I had to take mine when they were tiny because I had no one else to look after them but they were only babies. At 4 I think the grieving process can be managed without her attending the funeral. If you’re going for tea and sandwiches etc later maybe you can get someone to bring her there.

So sorry for your loss x

He told me in no uncertain terms that of course he should have gone to their funerals, and he would have never forgiven me had I denied him this

Sounds delightful. Maybe he’ll learn as he grows up that parents do what they think is best at the time.

I wouldn't. I doubt it would be traumatic, but they wouldn't understand the severity of it and a child being disruptive in a funeral is really not good.

Sorry that came across more harsh. I just meant I think it would be harsh for him to “never forgive you” for something you thought was best at the time. Sorry they lost their dad so young, that’s really hard.

I took my DS when he was 10 to his stepdad's mum's boyfriend's funeral. I think this was a good age as it gives him an understanding but he wasn't so close to him that he would be overwhelmed or too affected by it.

As she wasn’t particularly close to them I don’t think I would take her to the funeral but I would take her to the wake if that’s possible. We did this 3 times with DS ages 3, 5 and 6.

Had my mum died when DS was 4 I may have taken him as they were very close. As it was he was 7 and it never occurred to me not to take him to the funeral. He was fine. I explained what was going to happen before we went. He loved that the celebrant spoke so much about grandmas life and mentioned us a few times. She would have been so proud of him.

Sorry for your loss. There is no right or wrong but children tend to be very accepting. Just explain and be ready for questions.

I don't understand the idea of not wanting children to go to funerals because people don't want them to be upset. I think it's fine for children to be upset, and to see adults upset, because death is upsetting. In fact, more than fine, I think it's really important. Emotionally healthy. To see that grief is real, that people are hurting, but that there is comfort in supporting each other.

I agree with this. Both my parents died since I’ve had kids. They have attended everything- wake (over several days, similar to Irish tradition), church, cemetery. From age 2 to 9. I have also hosted a “celebration of life” at my home after a dear friend died suddenly and prematurely.

It is absolutely fine for children to see that mum is upset, to ask questions about life and death, to practise their empathy. Funerals play an important part in the grieving process. They unite families, they make the bereaved feel like they are still part of a whole unit. I had to fly my family 22 hours on Boxing Day to attend my mother’s funeral. No regrets whatsoever.

To those who worry about children saying inappropriate things, I think they should turn their attention to the adults. I have old relatives with dementia, and stupid relatives with no excuse, who said much worse than all the children (there were dozens) combined.

Sounds delightful. Maybe he’ll learn as he grows up that parents do what they think is best at the time.

The point of my post was to say it was nice to have the feedback from a child whose life had been utterly turned upside down and wrecked. As far as he was concerned I did the right thing by taking him. As it's a huge decision, it takes a lot of soul searching to try and decide which option will cause less harm, and one that many decide not to take. If I hadn't taken him and he felt he couldn't forgive me for that, then he's allowed to have his feelings about it. it's the only thing he has been able to have some control over.

Sorry for your loss OP. We took DD, aged 4, to my mum's funeral. There was no question of her not going, she loved her granny and had every right to be there. We explained what would happen beforehand and she was very quiet the whole way through. At the wake she chatted to folk and kept my dad occupied on an otherwise very difficult day.

Hi, I’m so sorry for your loss. At age 6 I lost a friend and went to her funeral. For a long time afterwards I had nightmares. I still can’t work out if it was the funeral or the tragic way she died that caused it (it was a house fire)

My kids were 3 and five when my dad died. They came to the cremation service. There was a lunch after but I thought they'd be bored so they didn't go to that.
My husband died a few months later and the kids (then 4 and 6) went to that service too. Having been to my own fathers service meant they understood what was happening. People die and I don't understand 'sheilding' kids from the reality. One day is nothing compared to the rest of their lives without this person. It's good for them to see people sad yet also celebrating the life of the loved one. It helps them understand their own emotions.
An old boyfriend lost his mother at 12 and he was never told how she died or allowed to go to the funeral. He never understood this and it has left him with real issues around it.

My nan died after a short illness almost 2 years ago. My children were 11 months, 9 and 11 at the time and they all came. I wasn’t allowed to go to my great grandmas funeral when I was 9 and it really upset me.

I wasn't taken to any family funerals as a child, but my family (both sides) are in a constant feuding state and every funeral, wedding, christening etc descends into screaming and/ or punch-ups, so I can see why.

If my parents died now, I would take all three of my children (13, 10 and 4), though. They love my parents and are hugely loved by them and it would feel weird for them not to be there. Also I can guarantee my insane extended family would not be there to ruin it as I would not fucking well tell them until afterwards.

@theClaws
You are incredibly rude.

Most funerals are for old people who have had a decent life. These funerals are sad but also a celebration of a life well lived. There is nothing wrong with a child seeing and being a part of this. I'd say it is more wrong to shield a child from funerals. If children don't see funerals/death then it becomes a big problem later on. I remember a friend who had never been to a funeral before her grandma's when my friend was 27. She was really anxious about the whole thing. Had she been to a couple beforehand she would have been more prepared and able to "enjoy" the day more as a celebration. Instead the anxiety made a tough time even worse.

I love children making funny comments at funerals. The circle of life and all that.

yes it's all part of life and they'll ask questions and you'll have to answer them honestly and that's all part of life, but it won't be a mystery.

I don't think I would take a 4yo. at a recent family funeral the 8yo and 9yo great-grandchildren of the deceased came, but the 7yo and 5yo didn't. the kids who came were distraught but able to cope and had enough maturity to appreciate the occasion. I think a 4yo would either not really understand, or if they did would not be able to process what was going on and get massively upset. better to find a different way for them to say goodbye, that is more accessible for them. a 4 yo doesn't have the stamina for a funeral service but can listen to the story of the life of the life of the person who died, can draw a favourite memory, and can visit a place that is meaningful and do an activity like planting some flower seeds. it doesn't have to be part of the formal funeral service.

funerals are not for the dead, they are for the living. they are not a way to keep score and there are lots of ways to pay respects.