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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have you taken your child to a funeral?

171 replies

Cornberry · 20/11/2019 20:01

My father passed away last week after a long battle with cancer, and at first I was certain that I didn’t want to take my 4 year old daughter to the funeral because it would be upsetting to see us all in pieces and she can’t sit still anyway. But now I’m having second thoughts. She has accepted his death quite easily, perhaps having not seen him much during his final months in hospital. She was fond of him but I didn’t think it was useful to bring her. Now I’m worried that I am skipping an important part of the process for her. She won’t get a chance to say goodbye, or any closure. I’d like to know people’s thoughts and experiences of taking small children to funerals.

OP posts:
Emeraldshamrock · 21/11/2019 10:12

I am so sorry for your loss. Flowers
I find DC tale these things in their stride, funerals are sad but there is lots of hspot moments throughout the day.
Chatting about the person, telling funny stories about their life.
We always went to family funerals as DC without sounding hard we enjoyed them, meeting new distant relatives.

Kanga83 · 21/11/2019 10:12

I should add i personally think it depends how close the child's relationship was to the person too. I wouldn't take my children to a funeral willingly for my in laws (as they don't see them) or a distant aunt, but in this case it was the right thing to do as they were very close to each other.

Emeraldshamrock · 21/11/2019 10:13

*happy moments.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 21/11/2019 10:13

I took my sons, 7 and 10, to their dad's funeral. It would have seemed very wrong not to. They had been there during his illness. He had cancer and was at home during the year he was ill. They came to the wake too.

It was very helpful to them. DS1 said that he knew it wasn't true but that day it seemed like the whole world loved Daddy (it was a very big funeral. DH was a popular man).

Garlicandherb · 21/11/2019 10:15

I think it’s fine and very healthy for them to be involved, and see that adults grieve. I’d have someone on hand just in case there’s a lot of wriggling or a good run around outside is needed!
Sorry for your loss OP, I hope you find a plan you’re happy with.

Gottobefree · 21/11/2019 10:15

Sorry for your loss. It's not traumatic for children, it's part of life and she should have a chance to celebrate this life and say goodbye

Whattodoabout · 21/11/2019 10:15

My Mother’s partner died suddenly a few years ago and his eight year old daughter attended. She was the only child there though, I don’t think funerals are generally a place for children unless it is their parents. I’m not sure the poor girl understood what was happening, it was heartbreaking to see her.

I wouldn’t take my DC to a funeral.

Emeraldshamrock · 21/11/2019 10:19

@Prawnofthepatriarchy I am sorry. Flowers In your situation I believe it is good for the DC go, it would help to process their loss.
It always shows youngsters how family unite in need.

Annasgirl · 21/11/2019 10:19

Dear OP, sorry for your loss.

I have taken all my DC to funerals of family (grandparents) from the age of 1! My youngest was 3 when my DM died and he attended but with my friend as I was reading the eulogy.

I'm in Ireland and children are always part of the funeral - it is a natural part of life and it is better for the grieving process to be involved. I would take my child if I were you.

Emeraldshamrock · 21/11/2019 10:20

DS1 said that he knew it wasn't true but that day it seemed like the whole world loved Daddy (it was a very big funeral. DH was a popular man)
So sweet. What a great memory.

KaliforniaDreamz · 21/11/2019 10:22

I took mine to my FIL's and it was upsetting for them but important to be there.
I didn't take my then 4yo to my own DF's and my now teen DS has since told me he thinks he should've been there.
if you can cope with it take them, if not, don't.

so sorry for your loss xx

Confusedbeetle · 21/11/2019 10:24

A child of 4 has little understanding of the permanence of death so it is up to you but little in it for the child. From 7 they can get it, and grieve so should be included in a grandparents funeral

NellieEllie · 21/11/2019 10:30

My DD and DS attended my mums funeral when 8 and 10 yrs. And then my dad’s 2 years later. At my dad’s they read a poem.
It was upsetting. I can’t say they didn’t see me upset, because they did, but it was restrained, in control upset. My view is that when someone dies, it IS upsetting so, to a degree, it’s important for them to see that.

A 4 year old is different though, and I think it is only you that can decide, based on what you know of your DD. I would not have taken my DS at that age. He had such a horror of death, that even throwing out dead flowers caused uncontrollable sobbing. My DD though, possibly. Also, if you feel you or others may really break down, it will be too much for a 4 yr old to process I think. And could seem scary.
Sorry you are going through this. Life can be rubbish sometimes xx

0hT00dles · 21/11/2019 10:36

My dd4 went to dmil's funeral along with dd 3 weeks.

It was a very sudden passing but dd4 understood. Dmil had Alzheimer's (although her passing was unrelated to it) and dd4 understood all the in's and outs. We didn't bring her to the wake though - that was 2 days long. And I only went for the last night as dd3weeks was too little.

My brother did bring his son (same age as dd) to the funeral which I didn't really agree with as he didn't know her and just kept messing about.

But for close family, I want my children included. Dd4 had been exposed to pets etc dying as well a baby passing in the family (although none of us attended that funeral as it was around my due date).

She know fully understands death and doesn't ask questions. She remembers her granny as the person she had to keep coaxing to sit still and how we had to take her to the toilet. She remembers all the fun times. And she got to say goodbye and meet loads of 'cousins' who all came to say goodbye to her granny.

Vegheaven · 21/11/2019 10:38

I've never seen anyone really breakdown at a funeral and I have been to some very sad funerals of young people - sobbing of course, but nothing that would scare a child. Most people are desperate to control their grief in public.

TheClaws · 21/11/2019 10:45

Damntheman I apologise for upsetting you. It wasn’t my intent to be nasty at all. I’m glad your kids went well at the funeral, but in general, small children have no concept of death and can present issues to others at the funeral. If it works for you, that’s good.

Lunde · 21/11/2019 10:47

I took my dds to my father's funeral when they were 4 and 2 and MIL's funeral when they were 5 and 3. We live abroad so so other options really.

MIL's funeral was a bit stressful as I had never been to a funeral in Denmark before and I didn't know that the "chief mourners" have to sit on chairs next to the coffin up at the front! This was not ideal as dd1 has asd/adhd and dd2 was .... well ... 3! It wasn't really a problem though DH's cousin burst into the church - 10 minutes late with 4 of his 6 children (the ones aged 10 months to 6)

Damntheman · 21/11/2019 11:46

I appreciate the apology Claws, but I think you're wrong. Small children have a perfectly okay concept of death once it is patiently explained. And if they're exposed to it when they're young it becomes something they deal with a lot easier as adults than people who have been sheltered from it their whole lives.

Besidesthepoint · 21/11/2019 11:51

My Mother’s partner died suddenly a few years ago and his eight year old daughter attended. She was the only child there though, I don’t think funerals are generally a place for children unless it is their parents. I’m not sure the poor girl understood what was happening, it was heartbreaking to see her.

I was 7 (only just) when I went to my grandads funeral. I absolutely totally understood what was happening and what death was. You underestimate children.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 21/11/2019 12:02

Thanks for your kind comment, "Emeraldshamrock*.

Mummyshark2018 · 21/11/2019 12:58

Yes, it's the norm in Ireland and I've been going to funerals from as far back as I can remember and I'm not traumatised, neither is any child I know. Obviously different circumstances of death can be traumatising in itself but not necessarily the funeral. For a grandparent funeral it is normal to bring a child.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 21/11/2019 12:59

These were mourners at a funeral. They were not feeling a lot of joy because of your 4 year old’s shenanigans. And his saying things like that that is why you don’t take kids to funerals. Not his fault - he was just too young.

The only thing that got me (six months pregnant) and my mum through my father's funeral was ds, aged 3 at the time. Funerals should be a celebration of the life of the deceased, a time to say goodbye and small children should have that opportunity as well. A grandchild surely has more right to be there than the assorted randoms who turned up to my dad's funeral. If my mum hadn't wanted him to come, then fine enough but she wanted him there.

When my grandmother (my dad's mother) died this august, his sister asked me to bring the children to the funeral.

Would I take my children to the funeral of a friend, probably not. Would I take my children to the funeral of a stillborn baby, hell no but direct relatives whose death will leave a gap in their lives, absolutely.

AnybodyWantAChip · 21/11/2019 13:11

I asked mine when MIL died - DD10 wanted to go, but DS7 didn't - so that's what we did.
No right or wrong here. Just what you think is best for the DC.

calmpuppycrazykids · 21/11/2019 13:16

my first two ds went to my dm funeral when they were 4 and 5
we spoke to them about what they were going to see and hear and they were fine even at the graveside.
ds3 was 7 when he went to his ggm funeral and once again everything was explained to him and again everything was fine.
i am from an irish family though and children go to funerals.
death is part of life and i think children going to funerals gives them a chance to also say goodbye
my dh family is from london though and they dont bring children to funerals

Dontrainonmyparade · 21/11/2019 13:17

I am in a similar position but it’s my grandfather’s funeral. I’m giving my older children the choice of attending or not, but my 3 y/o is not coming. Purely because I don’t feel I could really focus on the event properly if I had her with me (and she’s very much a mummy’s girl). We are planning to collect her after the funeral part and bring her to the wake with us though. As others say, there’s no right or wrong but do consider the additional impact on your attention if you take her.