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Original poster

Have you taken your child to a funeral?

171 replies

Cornberry · 20/11/2019 20:01

My father passed away last week after a long battle with cancer, and at first I was certain that I didn’t want to take my 4 year old daughter to the funeral because it would be upsetting to see us all in pieces and she can’t sit still anyway. But now I’m having second thoughts. She has accepted his death quite easily, perhaps having not seen him much during his final months in hospital. She was fond of him but I didn’t think it was useful to bring her. Now I’m worried that I am skipping an important part of the process for her. She won’t get a chance to say goodbye, or any closure. I’d like to know people’s thoughts and experiences of taking small children to funerals.

OP posts:
mouse26 · 20/11/2019 23:09

I've taken mine, but they were about 8 and 10. I wasnt allowed to go to my grandmas funeral (I was 14!) and dp wasnt allowed to go to his grandads although he was about 5, and to be honest we both resent that we weren't given the chance to say our last goodbyes.

Isithometimeyet0987 · 20/11/2019 23:09

I grew up in N.Ireland and it’s very normal to take kids to funerals there. Although dh who’s from London thinks it’s strange. I went home for a funeral not long ago and took dd (then 3) to the funeral and she was one of quite a few kids of different ages there.

fartingsparkles · 20/11/2019 23:10

OP, so sorry for your loss.

I didn't go to any funerals until I was 20 (variety of reasons). Ds attended his first at 3.5. It was my dad's. He had died suddenly so ds had seen me in bits, and I tried to explain what had happened, and would happen in an age appropriate way. He had to.come to the funeral and wake as it was a day trip, and there was no one he could be left with. He was fantastic throughout the day, and then again at the memorial a few weeks later.

Age 6 he attended a more distant family member (school summer holiday). At 7 he had to come to dh's funeral - his father - and I think that having attended the others, he at least knew what to expect.

Orgasmrendition · 20/11/2019 23:13

Death is a part of life. My 6 year old has been to 5 funerals, one at 6 months, 2 years, 3 years, and 6 years. She has/had a lot of great-great grandparents, great grandparents, grandparents, elderly aunts and uncles etc so me and my husband decided quite early on to include her in the funerals. I was worried about the last one as it was the first burial but she was absolutely fine. You know your child and how they would handle it. Personally I dont find a funeral a traumatic event but as a chance to say a final goodbye and to reminisce about good times and their live.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

isabellerossignol · 20/11/2019 23:13

He was at the wake, with an open coffin and chatted away to her

My son did this when my dad died. 'I'm just going in to visit Granda' and he took himself off to the room with the coffin in it and visited him for a while. It was really sweet.

Girlmeetsbook · 20/11/2019 23:16

Yes we took ours to a close family member's funeral after they died following a long illness. 5 and 8. It was the right thing to do for them/us. We talked about the funeral first etc. They, along with everyone else, benefitted from the eulogy during which lovely and long forgotten memories were shared, it was a celebration of life. Afterwards at the wake they spoke with relatives, a true family affair and they were part of it. Wouldn't change a thing.

SciFiScream · 20/11/2019 23:18

I was 8 and wasn't allowed to go to my Mum's funeral. There's no grave. No place the ashes were spread.
I never got to say goodbye and I never got to see others say goodbye or hear the eulogy etc.

I wanted to go.

4 is quite young, but on balance I think you should ask her and see what she thinks.

Explain it's a serious and sad event which is important in many ways

I'm sorry for your loss.

We took our 9 year old and 12 year old to their Granny's funeral. I think saying goodbye helped.

BestZebbie · 21/11/2019 01:19

I took a 4 year old to his great-granny's funeral on two different occasions. He suffered no trauma, was well-behaved (with the judicious application of a lolly to suck from halfway through) and seemed to bring a lot of joy to the other (elderly-relative) mourners.

On the other hand, he did say "If Great-Granny's body is in that box...what did they do with her head?!!" loudly enough for others nearby to hear during one of the slow processions in.

SucculentCandle · 21/11/2019 06:23

4 yo might be ok but I took my (then) 12 yo DD and 8yo DS to my grandmother's funeral. My DS made the most inappropriate comments afterwards (out of the mouths of babes, I suppose)

divafever99 · 21/11/2019 06:32

My dc have been to 2 funerals, my dh's grandad when they were 6 months and 5 years old, and my grandad's when they were 3 and 8. It didn't occur for me not to take them to be honest, as they were very fond of both of their great grandads and I don't want them to feel they were being left out of something important. On both occasions they were absolutely fine and it helped them to understand what death and dying was all about. So sorry for your loss op Thanks

ChachyFace · 21/11/2019 06:35

At 4 and 9, my DSs had the misfortune of attending their grandfather's and their father's funeral within the space of a few months.
Yes they saw a solemn occasion but they also saw their large and loving extended family coming together to support each other.
I think it can be a very useful part of coming to terms with what has happened.

Pixxie7 · 21/11/2019 06:42

Years ago now but I didn’t let my 6 year old go to my nans funeral, who she was very close to her.
One of the worst decision I ever made she felt left out.

DobbinOnTheLA · 21/11/2019 06:51

So sorry about your dad Flowers

I didn't take my 4 DC to my mum's but that was more the logistics (400 miles away, needed to get my mum's flat cleared whilst up). Plus it was a v small funeral with no songs or speeches etc.

I'm going to have her ashes put in a local (to us) garden of remembrance and will include them in that.

alwayscauseastir · 21/11/2019 07:00

No I haven't. When I was 17 my cousin was ran over and killed on his way to school, I'm he was 8 at the time. All of his school friends and football team walked behind the coffin and were present at the crematorium. The sounds of them sobbing broke my heart, and some of them gasped when the curtain was drawn.

When my grandfather died, my kids were 6 and 9 and I didn't want them to be traumatised or upset. So they went to school and joined us at the wake afterwards. I think it's all down to personal opinion.

BlobbyTheLump · 21/11/2019 07:07

I had to take DD to my mums funeral. She was 3 at the time.

She sat on the floor in front of me playing games on a phone, with her headphones in, and that was that.
She didn't bat an eyelid, and neither did anyone else.

The priest we had was amazing. She made a point to say something along the lines of 'there's a small child here today, her nanny is sadly no longer with us and I expect everyone to be tolerant of that', she was so kind yet firm. An absolute angel.

Obviously, if I had the chance I wouldn't have taken her, but it was fine and she's not traumatised from it.

ALittleBitofVitriol · 21/11/2019 07:09

Yes I have.
My children were 5, 3 and 3weeks at dh's grandmother's funeral. We were all very close to her, she adored my children. They had an open coffin and the older two said their goodbyes. Seeing her really sobered them, made it real, but they weren't traumatized. They had lots of questions. I didn't bring them to the grave site. They've been to a couple more since. I think mine would be really upset to be excluded actually...

stucknoue · 21/11/2019 07:32

Yes I did, and I organise many funerals each year for work so I've seen dozens of young kids attend funerals.

Having young kids there is fine, if anything it makes it slightly easier because it is the circle of life, in fact we once had a family who incorporated the baptism of the youngest family member (about 6 months old) into the funeral service and had the lion king music played by the organist.

Take quiet toys, books, pens, headphones etc. No need for black for a young child, purple is traditional though. If you have a friend who can be in charge of her that works well - in church there may be an employee (like me) who has spent funerals cuddling random babies and counting angels with preschoolers (perk of the job!)

So sorry for your loss, try not to worry about these things, it will be ok. Thanks

stucknoue · 21/11/2019 07:38

Ps one of the most moving things I have experienced was a 4 year old who wanted to take part during the eulogies, he held onto his dads hand who was giving the eulogy, they loudly (when his dad had finished) announced it was his turn, he was given the microphone and he sung twinkle twinkle then said his grandma was in the stars, not a dry eye (even those of us who had never met them before!)

HavelockVetinari · 21/11/2019 07:42

We took 7 week old DS to my Grandad's funeral, he was fine except for trumping loudly during the consecration - the resulting stench was extraordinary, as were the expressions on people's faces as it reached them. DH, DSis and I were crying with silent giggles Grin

isabellerossignol · 21/11/2019 07:50

I don't understand the idea of not wanting children to go to funerals because people don't want them to be upset. I think it's fine for children to be upset, and to see adults upset, because death is upsetting. In fact, more than fine, I think it's really important. Emotionally healthy. To see that grief is real, that people are hurting, but that there is comfort in supporting each other.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 21/11/2019 07:50

I had to bring my then 4 and almost 1 year old to my uncles funeral. I think I'd have preferred not to, but both DH and I were expected to be there as were all my relatives, including the only people who ever baby sat for me.
They were fine. Ds1 sat quietly the whole way through and didn't bat an eyelid, ds2 just grinned at everyone and gave me something to cuddle!
I didn't bring them to my niece's funeral. DH kept them with him at home. Ds1 was nearly 7 so I gave him the option of coming but he said no. It was the right decision, it was too emotional.

PurBal · 21/11/2019 07:55

Have you asked your daughter / does she have an opinion?

I grew up in a care home for the elderly and don't remember my first experience of death. But when my granddad died my young cousins (who were between 5 and 11) all wanted to come. In the end they came to the church service rather than the private committal. Mostly because their parents didn't think they could hold it together for them.

My 11 year old step daughter (for all intents and purposes) didn't want to go to the committal of her great grandma either.

Death is part of life.

Bloomburger · 21/11/2019 07:55

I took DD to he great grandmothers funeral at age 4, she was fine, I explained people would be sad and it was ok if she was sad, I'd be there to hold her hand and cuddle her. She was fine, very accepting and helped other mourners as she brought a smile to their faces.

Death is part of life, it's not traumatic unless it's very unexpected or the deceased is young.

Wanderingraspberry · 21/11/2019 08:08

Yes, my then four and six year olds came to my Dad's funeral. The six year old was quite anxious about attending but we had no one to leave him with and I thought it was important for him not to be scared of funerals. He was fine and a fidgety or chatty child is a bit of light relief for everyone else too.

Damntheman · 21/11/2019 08:09

I took my kids to my dad's funeral. The youngest was only 3 months so she didn't give a shit, and my oldest was 3 years old. I think it's very important that children get to experience this part of life, that it's not hidden away. I also think it's important that children get to see their parents grieve. My son has asked some awkward questions over the three years that have passed since, including "is grandpa dead?" which is getting a bit old now.. but what's more important is that he understands what happened and that it's okay to be sad. Particularly for boys, they need to know it's okay to be sad.

As for fidgets, give your child a sticker book OP. It'll keep her quiet and good as gold. Nobody will notice and if they do then they won't care. And often, small children asking inappropriate questions at inopportune times will just serve to lighten the mood and people do appreciate seeing small children at funerals. They really do!

Take them, don't be afraid. I'm very sorry for your loss.