Have you taken your child to a funeral?

[Cornberry]

My father passed away last week after a long battle with cancer, and at first I was certain that I didn’t want to take my 4 year old daughter to the funeral because it would be upsetting to see us all in pieces and she can’t sit still anyway. But now I’m having second thoughts. She has accepted his death quite easily, perhaps having not seen him much during his final months in hospital. She was fond of him but I didn’t think it was useful to bring her. Now I’m worried that I am skipping an important part of the process for her. She won’t get a chance to say goodbye, or any closure. I’d like to know people’s thoughts and experiences of taking small children to funerals.

I am sorry for your loss
I have taken dd since a similar age. I felt it was important that she knew that death was not just hospitals and crying, but also a celebration of life, however sad it was to get through it. It also helped afterwards with grace visiting, although obviously not everyone chooses to do so.

grave

Of course take her. It's a natural part of life. My children were going to funerals at a younger age than your daughter. It's important for young children to learn that grief, crying, and feeling sad about a loved one dying is natural and nothing to avoid.

I'd go for taking her and getting an extra adult to be responsible for her during the day - ideally someone who knew him less well/was less close to him, so that you have space to feel/react as seems right for you at the time.

Mine have been to funerals from birth. My son came to our neighbour's funeral aged 18 months, and they most recently came to their great grandma's funeral aged 6 and 2. Death is an unavoidable fact of life, and if you're matter of fact about these things from the get go they'll be less traumatic in the long term as they'll be more prepared for them.

I went to funerals as a child too. In fact, my mum says my first "social engagement," aged two weeks, was an aunt's funeral.

No I wouldnt. I dont think it's right to do that to a child. I understand others think differently and that's fine, but I wouldnt do it. I didnt arrange for mine to go to their grandparents funeral, and they actually didnt want to go anyway.

DH's family are Catholic and MIL wanted the DC at FILs funeral (in my family small children wouldn't attend), the youngest was 5 at the time. No issues at all, they were all very well behaved at the church, graveyard and wake. FIL had lived a good life, was in his mid 80s when he died after a short illness and MIL was stoic so no adult emotions for them to deal with. MIL says she thinks it's important for DC to see what happens when someone dies and I think she's right having seen how the DC reacted.

My older two weren't at the service when my Dad died (they were both under 3) but were at the wake and have regularly been to the grave. The eldest asked lots of questions about death afterwards but she was very small so it was a completely new concept for her.

I took my 2 year old to a funeral, she didn’t know what was going on but she enjoyed watching everyone singing and people said they liked her being there as it lightened the mood a little. She knew we were sad but it didn’t upset her.

The way I look at it is that death is a part of life, it’s not something to be hidden away and never talked about.

Took a 4 year old and 18month old to my grandmothers. Took them to a side room during the service, to the grave and the funeral tea. It was fine. My 6 year old will cope with my Dad's funeral and may be involved in the service. The 3 year old and 1 year old won't be because they will be bored and disruptive. But will attend wake, maybe grave and funeral tea. But they also knew he was dying, have seen the stages of that including progression to wheelchair and on deathbed. For me it is part of life, like pp have said excluding them doesn't protect them, it creates a vacuum for fear and anxiety to fill. Reality is much easier than scary fantasy. Plus it's fine for them to see me sad - I should be sad, my Dad just died, it's totally appropriate! I hope they will be sad when I die. This is part of learning how to handle life. It's just about handling it all sensitively and appropriately and respectfully, as far as I am concerned.

Yes I have done. I'm Irish so funerals include open casket viewing in a funeral home as well as funeral service & burial. I probably wouldn't take a young child to the funeral home but would take them to the other parts. I think it's more damaging not to. A beloved family member is just gone, and no real concept of what happened? I think it's healthier to include them in the ceremony

I'm Irish - I took my 3 years old to dh's Dad's funeral (English) our kids were the only ones none of the other grandkids attended. They made dh's Mum feel better by shooshing the speaker - she got a wee fit of the giggles and they calmly accepted what was happening - no trauma.

Sorry for your loss. I don’t think I’d take a 4yr old. My 14yr old helped carry my dad in, and my 10yr old went and placed a flower on her grandads coffin. I think they found my eulogy the hardest, hearing how much my dad adored his grandchildren. They were ok in the service, my daughter was. My son ended up behind me. When I got out after greeting everyone my son was sobbing his heart out. They were fine by the time we got to the wake. I’m proud they played an active role in his service. We need to protect children but at the same time we need to normalise death, as horrible as it is, it comes to us all.

Dd is 10. She has been to many funerals, starting at 9 months. I have attended some without her. We make the call based on travel requirements and relationship.

What’s really sad is that i don’t always have to buy dd new clothes each time. It’s been a hard decade for our family.

My family are catholic and have all the family at funerals including kids. I’m the only one who has kids but who no longer ever goes to church though (I’m full atheist) so when my parents, aunts and uncles go my kids will be the only ones of their generation not used to churches and mass. Their cousins are completely practising.

Took my DD9 and DD5 to my DM's funeral. They along with an older cousin did the offertory during the service & also attended the cemetery. I felt it was important to include them.

Yes. Have taken my 3 to wakes and funerals. They have seen people laid out and said goodbye. It really helped them understand and deal with their own grief. It's not traumatic, it's a normal part of life.

I felt at the time that the kids saw us grieve - we couldn't hide it without making them worry about what was happening - so I explained everything - I have always done this - they pick up more than we are aware of and often the not knowing is more difficult.

Yes of course

I took DS1 and DD to DH nans funeral. FIL wanted them to come, they were about 3 and 1. When the curtains closed at the crematorium DD age 1 started clapping

We took the kids to BILs funeral. They were 7,5 and 3. To be honest it was awful as everyone was so upset (he had killed himself and was 29) DH was making sure his mum and sister were ok so I was trying to juggle the kids whilst upset myself and trying to make sure DH were ok. The kids found it terrifying I think.

Sorry for your loss
Everybody dies and accepting that, celebrating life and ceremonies around that shouldn't be seen as traumatic or hidden from anyone.
My kids have always gone to funerals with me, they can be carthetic and sometimes having a child who is accepting of the death in simple terms helps others too.

People need to talk about death more

I’ve spent thousands and thousands of pounds in therapy trying to deal with issues caused by being sheltered from the death of a very close family member as a small child.

My 9 year old has lost 3 great grandparents (first at 6 months, last at 7) and attended all of their funerals. Also other family members. She talks about them often. They were celebrations of life and she likes to remember the things said (particularly about the last one, who was her favourite). Vitally important that children aren’t sheltered from death. It’s part of life and harmful if not treated as such.

I could have written your post but my ds is 4 and dd 3 we had my df funeral on Monday. I decided not to take them to the funeral I am glad about that as I found it so difficult and wouldn't have wanted them to see me upset. I did take them to see family and friends after at the wake though and told them it was a special day to say goodbye to grandad.

How does your mum feel about them being there? That would influence my decision.

Personally,I wouldn't take a 4 year old, it doesn't teach them anything at that age and I would want to concentrate on saying goodbye to my dad rather than what my 4 year old was up too.

Took my 5yo DSS to a funeral of an elderly family friend who meant a lot to him. I dont think it's traumatic at all - it is healthy for children to see adults emotional at the loss of a loved one as long as it is controllable. It's also healthy for them to experience a celebration of life which is a common theme in many funerals and certainly wakes.

Yes, I have taken dc to funerals since they were babies. We're practising Catholics and there's a lot of funerals. Thankfully, they haven't experienced the death of a close family member yet, closest was great grandparent.

I have always been prepared to take them out if necessary. Either if they got upset or were too loud. They've never been upset, but have occasionally been loud when very young.

It's a cultural thing. Most Catholics around here feel that funerals are very definitely for everyone, but I've met non-Christians and CofE who don't like bringing children.