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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have you taken your child to a funeral?

171 replies

Cornberry · 20/11/2019 20:01

My father passed away last week after a long battle with cancer, and at first I was certain that I didn’t want to take my 4 year old daughter to the funeral because it would be upsetting to see us all in pieces and she can’t sit still anyway. But now I’m having second thoughts. She has accepted his death quite easily, perhaps having not seen him much during his final months in hospital. She was fond of him but I didn’t think it was useful to bring her. Now I’m worried that I am skipping an important part of the process for her. She won’t get a chance to say goodbye, or any closure. I’d like to know people’s thoughts and experiences of taking small children to funerals.

OP posts:

BikeRunSki · 20/11/2019 21:50

DS came with us to DH’s grandma’s funeral when he was 2.5. There were about 7 or 8 children under 4 there. FiL said he loved seeing the young children there.

Longfacenow · 20/11/2019 21:52

Boo- Yes there is a lot of research about the issues caused by not showing, labelling and modelling coping with emotions in front of children as it leaves them trying to make sense of why their caregivers are behaving differently (grieving).

No right or wrong here though, it may be that some people would prefer to go to the funeral of a close loved one without the children and debrief them at another time.

We do memory boxes with 3 year olds.

OkPedro · 20/11/2019 22:00

My daughter was 4 when my Mam died. There was no question as to whether she would be coming. I’m Irish and everyone goes to a funeral. Children are not left out. I wouldn’t have had anyone to take care of her anyway as everyone was at my Mam’s funeral!
I don’t agree a 4 year old won’t learn anything from attending. My daughter asked lots of questions and yes she did get upset when I told her Nana wasn’t coming back. It was the truth. I feel it would have harmed her more if she thought Nana just went away. They were very close and saw each other everyday.

@Cornberry
I’m so sorry for your loss.. 💜

U2HasTheEdge · 20/11/2019 22:01

I have, the first one being their own father's funeral. Quickly followed by two of their grandparent's funeral. My older (but still young) two sons' also went to see their dad at the funeral home.

I worried about that part but I knew they would never forgive me if I had stopped them from doing what they felt they needed to do. It was discussed at length with involvement from Nelson's Journey too.

I am a big believer in talking about death and children attending funerals because we do not talk about death enough. My children were older than your DD OP but I would not hesitate to take a child that young to a funeral because it is an important part of the grieving process. From my own experience and talking it through with professionals, I think keeping children from funerals can be more traumatic than taking them in the long run.

I am so sorry for your loss OP

Episcomama · 20/11/2019 22:04

Mine have been to a few, and have also been to visitations (seeing the body laid out in the casket). They were 10, 7 and 4 and were not traumatized at all. Having said that, we are a family of faith and so we had talked a lot about the spirit leaving the body and going to heaven, and that seemed to help with their understanding and acceptance.

I'm so sorry about your father's death.

Pyjamaface · 20/11/2019 22:10

DS came to my DFs funeral this year, he's 10. I explained what would happen, he knew he could change his mind at any point before DF arrived home for the last time (friend was staying at the house the prepare the food/drink).

I'm so glad he came. He has ADHD but I am so proud of him and his behaviour and compassion that day. He says he's glad he came to say goodbye and he occasionally pops into the graveyard on his way home from school to visit

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 20/11/2019 22:11

Dc1 turned 3 about 10 days before my df died of cancer. He visited him in hospital right up until the day before he died and he came to the funeral. He adored his granddad and needed closure. He got to say goodbye albeit to the coffin. He's nearly 5 now and I think far maturer about death than many of his peers.

He also came to the funeral of my grandmother in august and has been to 2 All Souls Services for the dead at my dm's church. Again no issues whatsoever with his behaviour.

Spikeyball · 20/11/2019 22:18

Ds went to his grandmothers funeral when he was 3. He has learning difficulties so didn't understand what was going on. We are catholics and all the children go and we know she would have wanted him there. A more distant family member looked after him and kept him quiet with food and quiet toys.

silencebeforethebleeps · 20/11/2019 22:31

I went to my first funeral aged 7. My parents also let me attend all the meetings beforehand with the funeral director and the vicar. I thought the whole thing was beautiful and profound - so much so that I've ended up working in the funeral business.

Griefmonster · 20/11/2019 22:33

I'm so sorry for you loss.

My DC have been to family funerals since babies. Your decision might depend how you expect the funeral to be. Some PPs have said it would be too 'traumatic' and 'adult' but that's not my experience.

My DC have responded well to the atmosphere of peace and respect and enjoy the love and togetherness of the wake. Even at one particularly upsetting funeral (sudden, traumatic death of close relative), they were brilliant and it felt an important part of us processing our grief.

Whatever you decide to do, please do talk openly about your feelings and the situation. Trauma cones from emotions unrecognised or if ores and silenced.

spacepyramid · 20/11/2019 22:38

No, though I would if there was one I had to go to.
Sorry for your loss.

LittleCandle · 20/11/2019 22:40

I had to take both DC to DM's funeral, as there was nobody else who could take them. They were 4 and 8 at the time. They coped. They knew DM had died, because I was extremely upset, as was everyone else. I prepared them for what would happen, but as a PP said, this is a natural part of life and they need to know that its okay to be upset and show your feelings. It didn't traumatise them.

TiddlerontheRoof · 20/11/2019 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kahlua4me · 20/11/2019 22:45

I took DS to my stepfathers funeral when he was 5. He had made a star which he put on the coffin when we arrived and I think the experience helped him. They learn about grief, crying, love and life all at once.

When my mum died the children were older, dd was 8, and they came to that. Dd spoke at the service, reading a tribute she had written with her teacher. All friends and family brought their dc of varying ages and all coped. There was lots of tears and pain at mums as she died in an accident, but then they saw the peace and calm at the wake..

Sorry for your loss ❤️

Alte · 20/11/2019 22:45

If it's someone like a grandparent, the child deserves to go. If it was a more distant relative, however, I'd say it's not worth it for a child that young. We're lucky in the sense that nobody close to our kids have ever passed, but we would never have hesitated to take them if they had. They didn't go to DH's aunt's funeral, for example, because she'd only seen them once since our youngest's christening.

MissEliza · 20/11/2019 22:48

My nephew was five when he attended my dm's funeral. He was as good as gold but I'm not sure what he got out of it. It's also a fairly long day for a child. If you have the option of having someone to look after your child, it's preferable.

Rollercoasteride · 20/11/2019 22:50

So sorry for your loss. I know how stressful it is thinking, what to do for the best.
My mum suddenly passed away at easter. DS is 8, he was really close to my mum.He didn't know if he wanted to go to the funeral. I spoke to his school about it and we all thought it was best that he decided himself.
I took him to the crematorium a few days before to prepare him the best I could, and explained what would happen.
He went to the service, and he was fine. But my best friend was on stand by to take him out if things got too much.

feelinghelplesstoday · 20/11/2019 22:55

I took my children to my dads funeral. The youngest were 5 and 1. I think it's important.
So sorry for your loss @Cornberry xx

notanotherpothole · 20/11/2019 22:56

I took my 3 year old to his great grandmother's funeral. They were very close and I feel its important that children are raised to learn hope to cope with death and grief. He was at the wake, with an open coffin and chatted away to her, he sat near the back of the funeral with my dh and was graveside with the rest of his family. He knows we were devestated and has learnt that you seek support from family when you need it and that everyone feels sad when they lose a loved one. It's not traumatic to see a parent grieve, and the drier process. Your child will need to learn how to cope with grief and your job as a parent is to model that behaviour and guide them, not teach them to hide feelings.

Dieu · 20/11/2019 22:56

Nope. I don't believe in it. There is absolutely no need for a young child to attend.

Parttimers · 20/11/2019 23:00

@Dieu our of interest where is the cut off for you age wise ? I sadly attended a funeral of an 8 year old boy today. His whole school attended, it was sad and beautiful. His younger brothers and sister were there, as were his cousins. What kind of a funeral would it have been had they NOT been there!? I think it’s an important part of the grieving process...

ChanklyBore · 20/11/2019 23:03

I never went to a funeral as a child. I wish I had. My children have been to varying amounts but I think the oldest is in the double figures now - funerals of relatives, friends, babies, children. Seems well adjusted. First one was age 3 for one and the other went at 4 months and 17,22 months.

I am sorry about your father.

isabellerossignol · 20/11/2019 23:04

Yes, I have. I think it's verging on emotional abuse to not allow a child to attend and grieve with everyone else. I have never attended a funeral that had no children at it.

Buddha123 · 20/11/2019 23:05

My children plus my nieces and nephew all aged between 3 and 16 got to see my dad, their grandad after he died. He was laid out in my parents house and they spent time in the room with him, it was all left up to them of course whether they wanted to see him so they decided they did . They got to touch him and look at what it's like inside the coffin(my nephew wanted to see where his feet were!) It didn't affect them at all and still talk about it today. They spent time too with him as he died in a hospice and they were allowed to sit with him and hold his hand and tell him stories of their day even though he was close to death and sleeping. Death is a part of life and it helped them to grieve.

Inebriati · 20/11/2019 23:07

TiddlerontheRoof Me too. I wasn't taken to visit his grave either.

DS went to his great Grans funeral when he was 6, we just explained what would be happening beforehand and I could take him out if it was too much for him. It wasn't. Now he's older, he's not upset he went.

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