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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sleep with as many people as I wish

417 replies

ambiencing · 20/11/2019 18:25

DP, his sister, mum, dad and I were all having a conversation regarding virginity after talking about people calling for the age of consent to be lowered.

It went onto the topic of how many people (average) one will sleep with in their lifetime. My DP's dad that he felt sorry for me, having slept with "so many" people at aged (almost) 20. And asked what had made my self worth so low. I was stunned into silence, but now I really want to say something. This was only a couple of hours ago, but DP thinks I just just leave it.

AIBU to be furious?

OP posts:
ffswhatnext · 22/11/2019 10:33

Yes you meet people but you don't know all of those people well enough to be at your most vulnerable with

There are lots of times that we are in vulnerable situations, surrounded by people who are complete strangers. Still doesn't stop us from using the gym, swim, try on clothes etc. Situations were we are in various states of undressed.
Are we supposed to also stop all these activities because of the vulnerability?

Thornhill58 · 22/11/2019 10:34

I personally would not disclose my number with anybody. My DH never asked me and I don't care to know about his. We've been together for 30 years.
I never told anybody. It's very personal and I don't want people to make comments.
It isn't about being ashamed is just not something I want to talk about.

Thornhill58 · 22/11/2019 10:40

@dirtyrottenscoundrel I've never told my husband of 30 years how many people I had sex with. He never asked. Could be 100's or 1. Do you ask people?

Havaina · 22/11/2019 10:42

If OP isn’t ashamed why does she give a fuck what her in laws think?

You honestly can’t see why she would be annoyed that her FIL told her he felt sorry for her for sleeping with 11 people but said nothing to his son who slept with 9 people?

WaterOffADucksCrack · 22/11/2019 10:51

I'm surprised so many people keep a tally of how many people they've slept with!!

Ginfordinner · 22/11/2019 10:56

WaterOffADucksCrack I imagine most people would just remember anyway, unless there were too many numerous drunken fumbles to remember. I must admit anyone who boasts 4 figures must be keeping a diary to be so accurate Grin

80daysaroundtheworld · 22/11/2019 11:21

OOOOo

Even my Husband has no idea how much of a massive slut angel I was before I met him

80daysaroundtheworld · 22/11/2019 11:22

It really is not the kind of thing to share with in laws

For the very reason that other people will make judgements.

and it is not anyone elses business

You have a different cock every night of the week, and as long as you aren't shitting on anyone, ie sleeping with married people...it does not make you a bad person

I mean no one wished they had less sex. sex is fun

WaterOffADucksCrack · 22/11/2019 11:55

Ginfordinner Maybe I just have an awful memory! I'm 29 but started when I was 14. Could probably get a ball park figure but that's all!

Regarding the age of consent, 16 is fine. There's no point changing it as I wouldn't have thought many people have decided to have sex based on when the law says so. Some people will still have sex underage, some people won't start until they're older. It's personal choice.

StarlightLady · 22/11/2019 12:05

@Gogreen - What a rude and offensive thing to say. Just because a young woman does not equate sex with shame, it does not mean her upbringing was poor.

@BlouseAndSkirt - spot on! Flowers

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 22/11/2019 12:43

There are lots of times that we are in vulnerable situations, surrounded by people who are complete strangers. Still doesn't stop us from using the gym, swim, try on clothes etc. Situations were we are in various states of undressed.
Are we supposed to also stop all these activities because of the vulnerability?

Oh come on. If I go to the gym or the swimming pool there are others around and I'm not naked in a private space with only 1 other person. So unless you are having sex in front of an audience you are in a far more intimate and vulnerable situation than going to the swimming pool.

ffswhatnext · 22/11/2019 13:04

You can be naked though in the changing area with only one person, just because this hasn't been your experience yet, doesn't mean this will always be the case.

You are vulnerable in any relationship regardless of how well you think you know the person.
When it comes to other people, there is never any guarantee that they will always keep you safe.
The only times I have ever been attacked was in a long relationship or by family.

Having sex in front of an audience can also be risky.

Other than family members, the only time I have been attacked was in a long term relationship. After a decade together it was a shock.

crispysausagerolls · 22/11/2019 13:09

Havaina

Her OP does not say anything about being annoyed that she has been judged and not her husband. However, there are lots of reasons why this could be the case - perhaps they already know his number and have judged him previously, or perhaps they just don’t like the OP. Perhaps they have antiquated views and think women and men’s attitude to sex is or should be different. All part and parcel of what someone has to expect when sharing intimate details of their life with others.

ffswhatnext · 22/11/2019 13:14

Chances are the op couldn't have done the right thing either way.
If she said her current partner was the only one, chances are the dad would have said something as equally bad.

woodhill · 22/11/2019 13:25

I still think there is a price to be paid for promiscuity in both men and women.

What if it affects your fertility when you are older or perhaps it has a negative effects and self esteem on people's mental health which does seem to be on the rise. There are probably silent health risks such as HPV which can be passed via skin to skin contact

I think it is better to be choosy with sexual partners

I am the same generational the OPs fil

woodhill · 22/11/2019 13:27

I mean - perhaps it has a negative effects on people's mental health and self esteem

Brimful · 22/11/2019 13:31

And it's a VERY common conversation has between adults

It's really not.

Havaina · 22/11/2019 13:43

@crispysausagerolls

Havaina

Her OP does not say anything about being annoyed that she has been judged and not her husband.

Isn’t this semantics? OP says she’s furious about this, and rightly so.

However, there are lots of reasons why this could be the case - perhaps they already know his number and have judged him previously, or perhaps they just don’t like the OP. Perhaps they have antiquated views and think women and men’s attitude to sex is or should be different. All part and parcel of what someone has to expect when sharing intimate details of their life with others.

But why not believe OP when she says he is misogynistic? I find the reluctance on MN to believe women very depressing.

aSofaNearYou · 22/11/2019 13:43

Perhaps they have antiquated views and think women and men’s attitude to sex is or should be different.

Strange argument to use in favour of OP being unreasonable - isn't that proving her point that his comments were misogynistic?

BeeN77 · 22/11/2019 13:52

I think you have a right to be furious. It's (in)appropriateness is not relevant. It wasn't a comment - it was a straight derogatory judgement made against your character, without knowing the full context and full of assumptions. One shouldn't assume that because someone has had more than one or two sexual partners, they don't look after their physical health or that they don't practice safe sex. Nor that someone has low self worth, because they chose to have more than one or two or a hundred partners. The same assumption would not be said of a man - in fact quite the opposite - that he must be brimming with self confidence.

It's your call how you want to address this - but seeing as he's already started from a place of ignorant judgement - I might see as a futile battle - because you do not need to justify your character or your past behaviours to someone it does not affect.

GinDaddy · 22/11/2019 14:00

@Ginfordinner

I've slept with three figures in terms of numbers of people, and I can pretty much remember them all - no diary needed.

I do think it's a nightmarish conversation to have with anyone, let alone the very people you want to make a good impression to and whom you don't want to judge you.

CSIblonde · 22/11/2019 14:02

On subjects like that where people can be incredibly judgey & if they aren't a very close friend, I'd always lie. Not because I've slept with loads of partners, I haven't, but because it's none of their business & from experience I'm not giving anyone personal info they can twist or use as ammunition.

ActualHornist · 22/11/2019 14:05

Get cracking girl, 11 is amateur numbers Wink

I agree with you completely although I would never get into a conversation like this. Husband and I don’t even know each other’s numbers, it’s just not important.

Havaina · 22/11/2019 14:21

On subjects like that where people can be incredibly judgey & if they aren't a very close friend, I'd always lie. Not because I've slept with loads of partners, I haven't, but because it's none of their business & from experience I'm not giving anyone personal info they can twist or use as ammunition.

Why not just tell them it’s none of their business?

raspberryk · 22/11/2019 14:25

And the difference between your dp and your numbers is in effect just 1, you 1 less and he one more and it would be equal.
But only you are the one in the wrong? Sounds just like standard slut shaming bollocks to me. Bet he's been giving his own son a pat on the back.

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