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Original poster

Friend not paid for hen party. Would I BU to...

193 replies

HonestTeacher · 20/11/2019 17:06

Looking for some advice. I probably am being really unreasonable and passive aggressive too so feel free to tell me so!

A group of friends and I booked a weekend away for my hen party. Everyone confirmed they were happy with dates and costs. I booked and paid for it all. One person has not paid and is now saying they will not be coming (Quite a flaky friend- always cancels). I explained that I had paid for her place but she is refusing to give me the £100. I'm not going to ask the others to split the cost of her place because it is not fair for their costs to go up because she pulled out. I originally said this as a joke but now seriously considering it...would I be unreasonable to give her an evening invite to the wedding now instead of a day invite? It would mean I save quite a bit of money and can recoup the hen party costs 😁 I never mentioned day/evening invites previously when letting people know the date. Given her past, it would be quite likely she would not turn up for the wedding anyway!

OP posts:
Pinkdhalia · 21/11/2019 18:27

yes i would uninvite her to my wedding, on the basis as you said she often cancels and tell her that's why she's being uninvited , that she already wasted the cost for the hen party so you aren't going to suffer another loss for your wedding!

MaryShelley1818 · 21/11/2019 18:32

@billy1966 I’m sure you’re right. I maybe should have said something. I honestly just felt it wasn’t worth the hassle but have made it clear money is now to be paid upfront.

I’m usually very vocal and always fights for what I believe is right but on this occasion I let it go and learnt a lesson.

On a positive note the weekend actually went horribly wrong and we ended up with full refunds plus a free weekend there next year so I ended up not out of pocket and with a freebie to look forward to next year :)

Jack80 · 21/11/2019 18:43

Evening would be better for you and to save cash and if you fall out remind her she owed you £100

KnightandDay · 21/11/2019 18:47

To be on the safe side inform her that sadly due to unexpected reasons you are being forced to scale down the size of the wedding (by one person - HER!) and (if you want to) you will see her again after the Big Day.
Agree with this, but tell her you have to scale down the size of the wedding due to unexpected hen costs!

Hairsprayqueeen · 21/11/2019 18:49

I had to cancel on a friend (not hen night but 'do' with similar costs for VERY genuine unavoidable reasons and I not only paid but sent her a bunch of flowers as an apology and offered to chip in driving people there! She doesnt give a toss you're out of pocket! If you're a nice person and want to keep the peace and be the bigger person (& want to see her obviously)then evening do is fine but youd not be unreasonable to not have her there at all.

mellicauli · 21/11/2019 18:52

She doesn't give a toss about you. Why would you also pay for a meal and drinks for her on the most special day of your life? No invites at all.

anxyinmypantsy · 21/11/2019 19:01

We need some updates OP! Has she replied?

WombatChocolate · 21/11/2019 19:19

I would have asked a direct question 'are you saying you're expecting me to pay the £100 for your place, at this point when I'm faced with the costs if a wedding? Are you really saying I should pay because you are pulling out?'

I would make her answer these questions. If she tried to weasel out of it with comments like 'well I can't afford it' or 'I can't come and can't justify that money' I would return to the original question 'so are you suggesting I should pay for this?'

Pretty much anyone will be hard pushed to make a case for you paying for it. She might not want to pay herself but needs to be forced to make the leap to understand that if she doesn't pay, you have to....and then consider that.

It might be that you have to say to her 'I don't want to, but I will accept you paying me this money is 2 or 3 instalments' and if this is refused again return to the question of 'are you saying I should pay for your place then. Because if you won't give me the money for your place I will have to pay it. Is that what you want to happen because that is the consequence'

I would listen to financial difficulty stories and be willing to take instalments. People do make mistakes in budgeting and can't always immediately meet their financial obligations....but showing willing and actively offering to make instalment payments would put someone in my better books than someone who just refused. Those are different Scenarios.

I think if there was still refusal I probably wouldn't send an invitation. And if asked why not, I think I would have to point out how disappointed I was that a friend was willing to dump me in it financially at such a time as my wedding, and that I was needing to cut back in other areas now the hen night was costing me more than budgeted.

SarahNade · 21/11/2019 19:22

@SSmith55 Thank goodness someone else said what I was thinking. What is with this self-indulgent hens party weekend? It is getting more and more ridiculous, especially when the hens party lasts LONGER than the wedding DAY. Priorities all back to front. What is wrong with a friend hosting the hens at their house? Like people used to do? Then it went to all day/overnight do. Now, it's gone to weekend! Next someone will try to outdo it by having a hens party week (if it isn't a 'thing' already). Then, in 10 years or 5 years time, it will be a hens month. Such a waste. And all it really does is ruin friendships. Whatever happened to the normal do at home? People are just going bridezilla and more and more silly.

100 pounds is a heck of a lot of money! Most people don't have that to spare just for a hens night. Add on the present, travel, etc etc it costs so much money to attend a wedding.

And whether she 'agreed' or not, she probably was too embarrassed to say no, she couldn't afford it, and didn't want to be the only one there saying no, so if she is not assertive, probably said yes out of embarrassment only to 'work on an excuse' later. No one should be held to a promise (and it doesn't even seem to have been a promise either) to attend some hen's night-turned-weekend. No one. If the organiser cannot afford to cover the extortion cost if someone can no longer pay, then the answer is fairly simple; choose a less expensive venue. These things are not only on an extortionate CF level (even if people agree out of peer pressure so as not to be seen the odd one out), but all it does is ruin friendships. Is it really worth it?
Brides/organisers should not do these things that run the risk of awkwardness, embarrassment at lack of funds etc as it really ruins friendships. If you cannot cover the costs yourself or with bridesmaids' help, then you can't afford to do it. Full stop. What is more important; an ostentatious, over-blown superficial expensive 'weekend' hens night, or not making things awkward for your friends? I am glad for SSmith55 because I was shaking my head in absolute disbelief thinking I live in an alternate reality from another planet. I would expect this to be a reverse or a mirror image post started about a CF bridezilla.

user1374384 · 21/11/2019 19:25

What is her reason for pulling out?

WombatChocolate · 21/11/2019 19:41

I agree it's only reasonable to expect the money if someone definitely signed up to come and agreed to pay - very explicitly. If Op booked based on people vaguely saying they were interested, then she was daft. The colleague can only be expected to cough up if she committed to a definite event, knowing it was going to be booked by a set date and she would then be liable for the money.

Unfortunately communication about things is often vague. People vaguely ask if someone wants to come, are vague about the cost and vague about when it will be booked and vague about if and when a definite commitment is needed. Likewise people are sometimes vague about if they want to come and are actually committing to come and the financial implications. The bigger the group and the less close the people involved (ie colleagues not friends) the more scope there is for confusion and later resentment. Nhaving everything in writing by email (both invite and terms, plus acceptances) helps avoid confusion.

Op needs to think carefully about if she was clear about when she was booking and costs and if the colleague definitely committed to come and pay.

Catwaving · 21/11/2019 19:49

Sounds to me - reading between the lines - that if she had never said she would come the others would've had to pay more per head anyway (as you would renting a house for example) so I dont see the issue dividing the £100 across the others......making a drama out of nothing really

Catwaving · 21/11/2019 19:50

....as is often the case on these threads

Catwaving · 21/11/2019 19:53

....or is my assumption incorrect?

If there was a cost per meal included for example, lower numbers usually mean the venue will not charge for people not there as long as they have a little notice

Were is the OP?

Catwaving · 21/11/2019 19:54

I think we need to know more about the type of arrangements to be able to be fair

expat101 · 21/11/2019 19:59

Does she have a controlling partner by chance? I'm mindful of a neighbour who has been socially isolated by her Hubby, I have tried and tried to get her to come out for dinner with another female neighbour she likes, she would say oh yes that is great, and then cancel the following day or later that night.

RiftGibbon · 21/11/2019 20:20

Can't understand the few posters criticizing the OP.
Nobody is obliged to attend anyone else's hen hour/day/weekend/whatever. Anyone is quite at liberty to decline an invitation if they cannot afford to attend.
I have done so in the past. I get on very well with the woman in question, but it was a weekend away which I could not afford, and it was doing 'fun' activities that are not things I enjoy.
Rather than post in a group chat I messaged her to say that I was sorry but I wouldn't be able to attend, and that it was a bit beyond my budget at this time."
This was at the stage when things were being booked, so she hadn't spent any money on anyone's behalf.

What is so hard about just saying "sorry, I can't make it"? Why does it matter what anyone else says or thinks?

WonderGirl11 · 21/11/2019 20:20

I had a friend do this. I was irritated and paid, decided not to make a drama out of it. (After ranting a bit!) Years later she was one of the few friends who helped me through a really tough time. Some friends are party friends, not all are great at large group celebrations. But she’s your friend for some reason. I guess is it worth losing a friend over?!

LittlePaintBox · 21/11/2019 21:42

I had a friend who used to drop out of things without paying for them, on the grounds that she was very short of money. It ended up with people not inviting her to things because there was no point. It's inconsiderate of her to expect someone else to pick up the cost of her place and if it was me having to pay for her, I wouldn't hesitate to recoup my money by un-inviting her to the wedding. She probably won't turn up anyway!

FelicisNox · 21/11/2019 22:52

Not enough info to decide but I agree that if she definitively said she was coming and didn't pay up that is crappy.

I do think however that hen weekends should be scrapped. They are expensive and unnecessary and put people in awkward situations. Some people are genuinely too embarrassed to speak up and admit they can't afford things, they then talk themselves into thinking they can if they rework their finances only to find that actually no, it's not affordable. There's nothing silly about that, it happens.

Decide how important she is to you and if she is genuinely at fault and you don't mind the possibility of losing her as a friend, invite her to the evening only and if questioned point out you were left with a £100 bill and you needed to recoup your losses somehow.

It sounds like this is a regular occurrence for her so you may need to rethink your friendship.

But these hen weekends, they cause more problems than they solve. When will you girls learn?

icelollycraving · 22/11/2019 07:21

Is there circumstances that mean she couldn’t afford it? It is shit that she let you down but £100 plus spending money is a lot to find for many.
If you knew she was flakey, perhaps a deposit before booking would have been a good idea.
I’d suck it up, not invite her at all. If anyone makes it awkward I’d tell them you didn’t pass the cost on to them.

Countryescape · 22/11/2019 08:22

Definitely don’t invite her at all. Take her to small claims. She’s an absolute cunt.

misspiggy19 · 22/11/2019 08:29

@FelicisNox

But these hen weekends, they cause more problems than they solve. When will you girls learn?

^The only time I ever hear about hen parties going wrong is on MN.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 22/11/2019 08:37

When will you girls learn? How infantilising!

oabiti · 22/11/2019 08:48

Hi, OP.

I take it there is no way you can get a refund, even a partial one? If not, then I really think you need to be really assertive and break it down for her:

None of this, 'Oh, could you please?'. It got you nowhere the first time, so what makes you think it will the second?🤔

You tell her that as a friend, you expect her to pay up! You paid for her in good faith, and the fact that she has changed her mind, or whatever; does not mean you need to be lumbered with her bill. You then tell her that if she is unwilling to pay, for what is hers, you will not be inviting her to the wedding. After all, you want people there that you consider friends.. not people who think it's okay to treat you like TSB.

You've given her a step by step of the consequences of what will happen if she doesn't act reasonable. No passive aggression, just facts.