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Original poster

Friend not paid for hen party. Would I BU to...

193 replies

HonestTeacher · 20/11/2019 17:06

Looking for some advice. I probably am being really unreasonable and passive aggressive too so feel free to tell me so!

A group of friends and I booked a weekend away for my hen party. Everyone confirmed they were happy with dates and costs. I booked and paid for it all. One person has not paid and is now saying they will not be coming (Quite a flaky friend- always cancels). I explained that I had paid for her place but she is refusing to give me the £100. I'm not going to ask the others to split the cost of her place because it is not fair for their costs to go up because she pulled out. I originally said this as a joke but now seriously considering it...would I be unreasonable to give her an evening invite to the wedding now instead of a day invite? It would mean I save quite a bit of money and can recoup the hen party costs 😁 I never mentioned day/evening invites previously when letting people know the date. Given her past, it would be quite likely she would not turn up for the wedding anyway!

OP posts:
testingtesting111 · 20/11/2019 20:52

Friends do not treat others the way she has treated you - she isn't your friend. I'd not invite her at all!

ELM8 · 20/11/2019 20:54

Genius idea tbh.. agree that you should just not invite her at all though

1vandal2 · 20/11/2019 20:59

I would just say pay or we're not friends anymore and no wedding invite

Howlovely · 20/11/2019 20:59

I wouldn't invite her at all. You owe her nothing, she owes you £100! Also, if you invite her you give her the opportunity to choose not to come, another 'fuck you' from her. Just let it be I reckon. She's thoughtless at best and really fucking spiteful at worst.

BabyCountDown · 20/11/2019 21:06

That's shocking! What reason is she giving to refuse to pay? I don't understand why anyone would do that

Berrylove · 20/11/2019 21:12

It doesn’t matter whether it’s £10 or £100, she owes you that money that you earnt yourself. You don’t need people like that in your life, let alone at your wedding, if she won’t cough up then just cut ties.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/11/2019 23:30

Oh, pay no attention to that Smith55 user, they’re clearly onna windup. (Unless they’re not from U.K. where everyone knows that the hen party costs are not part of the wedding costs and therefore not paid for by the B&G.)

OP, this will sour your friendship anyway even if you still gave her an invitation to the full wedding. Things like that are never forgotten. If you know there are no sudden financial difficulties that she is embarrassed about telling you (weddings are massively expensive to attend as a guest, especially if you’re going to the hen do), then just email her and tell her unfortunately that the cost of her place at the wedding will be used to recoup your losses.

Some people are just Shock when it comes to cheek over money. I know someone who was in the hotel foyer the morning after their wedding saying goodbye to their guests who had travelled to be there. The groom’s mum had been given a sob story by one of her relatives about how they were going to struggle with their hotel bill and had decided to tell them “ah don’t worry, DS will cover it.” Her DS together with his new wife had taken out a large loan for honeymoon and other wedding costs, had just bought a house and were still in early stages of their careers so ordinary salaries. I couldn’t believe it. He literally had to walk over to the desk and pay their bill for them. If you can’t afford to attend a wedding or a hen night then you have to be honest with the bride and groom or you risk causing all sorts of upset. If the friendship is strong it will stand firm. But if you try to duck out of paying for something you’d agreed to pay for then it will inevitably cause someone else to be out of pocket and that’s just not on.

SunshineCake · 21/11/2019 06:15

"Re not inviting her to any part of it at all, be aware that that could be the final nail in the coffin of the friendship."

Surely the flaky one has dug the final nail in by her actions. Stop victim blaming.

Havaina · 21/11/2019 07:03

If there is a whatsapp group, I would ask the ex-friend to oay once more, so that everyone sees her despicable behaviour.

And there is no way I would even give her an evening invite. She may just turn up to the wedding.

LellyMcKelly · 21/11/2019 08:16

She’s done a rubbish thing to you. Do you know why she did it? If it was because she’s flakey that’s one thing, but she’s not in an abusive or controlling relationship or anything like that, is she?

NewPapaGuinea · 21/11/2019 08:23

I’d make it clear that you’re rescinding the invite as you cannot trust she won’t cancel again. She’s already stiffed you out of £100 so don’t want to lose out further.

00100001 · 21/11/2019 08:40

@SSmith55
"That's awful, how a person would invite people to a hen party and then expect them to pay for it.
Leave her alone and stop chasing her for money she doesn't want to pay for."

Confused

People more or less always pay their way for a Hen Party - which is why there's hundreds of bloody "Argh, Bridezilla's Hen Party is going to cost £35000 per person, and now everyone is suggesting we chip in for B2B place and gifts for her!!!" posts on these very same boards...

Plus she agreed to the costs beforehand...

Are you sure you read the OP? Confused

Slappadabass · 21/11/2019 09:12

What reason has she given for not coming to the hen? But whatever the reason, she should still cough up for the cost. I definitely wouldn't invite her to the wedding at all after this, she can't expect to leave you to pay her bill then still come to the wedding. I'd give her one more chance to pay, if still nothing, cut her off.

If it's a large booking I would still try to get a refund, it might say no refunds but I have had luck in the past when it's said no refunds, always worth a shot.

EKGEMS · 21/11/2019 13:39

SSmith55 Not everybody wants a hen party at a budget,low rate hotel.

JohnCRaven · 21/11/2019 15:01

I suppose if I was you, and knowing the full back story (which I don't) I would ask myself the question: do I want to continue being friends with this person? If the answer is no = no invite. If the answer is yes = evening invite. If you want her to continue treating you in this way = full invite.

Nofucksleft · 21/11/2019 17:44

She's not a friend

Gatehouse77 · 21/11/2019 17:56

And for the love of God, CANCEL THE CHEQUE!!!!

🤣

skyblu · 21/11/2019 17:57

I would love to be strong enough to just not invite her to the wedding at all.....but I’d probably cave and just invite her to the evening now. No way would I invite her to the whole thing!

GenderfreeJoe · 21/11/2019 18:00

I wouldn't invite her at all. She doesn't seem to have much respect for you and your friendship. Why would you want to continue to be friends with her at all?

ZenNudist · 21/11/2019 18:01

So you feel awkward over evening invite but she shouldn't feel awkward about stiffing you for £100.

No pay, no invite full stop.

MaryShelley1818 · 21/11/2019 18:05

I definitely wouldn’t invite her to the whole thing now and would just give her an evening invitation.
I find this thing happens more often than it should unfortunately.
I went for a weekend away recently and a girl dropped out the evening before (8.30pm). As the organiser I felt I had no choice but to just absorb the extra costs myself so I ended up paying double. I was really upset that despite a WhatsApp group where it was clear she’d be leaving me with a massive bill she didn’t once offer anything towards it and because we all work together I was a wimp and chose not to say anything to keep office harmony.
Lesson learned to always get the money upfront!

Celestine70 · 21/11/2019 18:08

She has been unreasonable so you can be unreasonable. So just do it or don't invite her at all.

Africa2go · 21/11/2019 18:18

OP i think you need to ask why shes not coming?

I think hen dos quickly escalate - everyone's up for it, says they're available and then the email / whatsapp comes round and the majority are all excited but there's usually one or two that cant really afford it but feel obliged to go along with it & say yes.

As it gets closer, they'll back out as they realise they genuinely cant afford it (with cost of wedding on top). If its all been done on a group chat, maybe she feels embarrassed?

I'd just try to have a conversation about it. If its simply a question of her dropping out, fair enough. Leaving a friend to pick up the tab is wrong. But if it really is something else, eg shes skint, give her a chance especially if shes a long term friend.

lunar1 · 21/11/2019 18:18

I wouldn't invite her, and I would tell mutual friends why, there is no reason you need to look like the bad guy here.

billy1966 · 21/11/2019 18:25

@MaryShelley1818

At the very least you should say in the office that you will never organise anything again having been left footing the bill for X.

Honestly, and I mean this very kindly, only a mug would accept being caught like that.

Unfortunately that's what most people think.

Because I can assure you, there are many, many people out there, that would no more accept that treatment from anyone, not to mind a colleague.

Wishing you well.💐