Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend not paid for hen party. Would I BU to...

193 replies

HonestTeacher · 20/11/2019 17:06

Looking for some advice. I probably am being really unreasonable and passive aggressive too so feel free to tell me so!

A group of friends and I booked a weekend away for my hen party. Everyone confirmed they were happy with dates and costs. I booked and paid for it all. One person has not paid and is now saying they will not be coming (Quite a flaky friend- always cancels). I explained that I had paid for her place but she is refusing to give me the £100. I'm not going to ask the others to split the cost of her place because it is not fair for their costs to go up because she pulled out. I originally said this as a joke but now seriously considering it...would I be unreasonable to give her an evening invite to the wedding now instead of a day invite? It would mean I save quite a bit of money and can recoup the hen party costs 😁 I never mentioned day/evening invites previously when letting people know the date. Given her past, it would be quite likely she would not turn up for the wedding anyway!

OP posts:
tectonicplates · 20/11/2019 19:07

OP, is there anyone else you can think of who might be able to join you and would pay £100? I really think it would be worth adding someone if you can think of anyone who would fit into the group well. I'd still uninvite the flaky person anyway, but it's worth considering at least.

billy1966 · 20/11/2019 19:07

She's no friend that's for sure.
Wouldn't dream of inviting her to the wedding.
Would definitely inform all mutual friends and hen participants what she's done.

She's actually not worth getting stressed about.
Just forget about her. Completely.

💐

alexafindfilms · 20/11/2019 19:08

@HonestTeacher people like this astound me. when you said "well you still owe your £100 as I have paid it out" what did she actually say? How do you just go "no" Shock. What a CF. I agree with everyone else, dont invite her to anything and cut her loose. and, if at a mutual engagement in the future and its brought up, explain that your wedding was for friends/family and "friends" dont lumber each other with £100 bills and scarper

GoGoLego · 20/11/2019 19:09

Yanbu and actually depending on how flakey she is it be tempted to go whole hog and uninvite her from that too.

flowery · 20/11/2019 19:11

On what basis does she feel you should pay the £100 rather than her??

SSmith55 · 20/11/2019 19:17

That's awful, how a person would invite people to a hen party and then expect them to pay for it.
Leave her alone and stop chasing her for money she doesn't want to pay for.

TheStaff · 20/11/2019 19:22

If you don't formally invite her, she may just turn up anyway. Flaky self-centred people do things like that. To be on the safe side inform her that sadly due to unexpected reasons you are being forced to scale down the size of the wedding (by one person - HER!) and (if you want to) you will see her again after the Big Day.

WhereverIMayRoam · 20/11/2019 19:28

You’d be a total doormat if you invited her for the entire wedding. Re not inviting her to any part of it at all, be aware that that could be the final nail in the coffin of the friendship. Which to be clear I’d be totally fine with in your shoes but just be 100% sure you’re prepared for that. After all, it’s not any of us who’ll have to deal with potential awkwardness or drama in your circle. If you think there might be any difficulty for you down the line then maybe invite her to the evening but step WAY back from the friendship and put her in the acquaintance category.

Ginkeepsmesane · 20/11/2019 19:35

Could you go back to the whole group and ask if they know of anyone who would like to join the hen party (and pay their way to do so).
However then add that 'the person can also come all day to the wedding as a 'brucey bonus' as it wouldn't be fair for them to join the hen and not the wedding'.
Finished with 'Im sure 'add ex friend name' doesn't mind giving up her space there too as it'll be so awkward for everyone otherwise'

WeirdCatLady · 20/11/2019 19:41

And please let everyone know she is refusing to pay. Bitch.

Honeyroar · 20/11/2019 19:45

Even if you only invite her to the evening she's going to be hacked off and feel humiliated, so it would affect future meet ups anyway. Plus she'll probably accept the evening invite then snub you anyway. So not inviting her to anything probably won't be any worse than not inviting her to the day. If she's happy to leave you in the lurch over £100 then she's not much of a friend anyway...

What if you were to say to her "I feel like you're telling me our friendship is over by leaving me in the lurch over this. No real friend would do that..." That way you're kind of warning her that her actions have serious consequences.

LadyTamaraBeauchamp · 20/11/2019 19:49

do the others know she is not proposing to pay?

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 20/11/2019 19:54

Sadly over the years, I've realised that some people dont really think they've committed until they have paid. They can say they'll do something, even agree the price is fine, but until they've handed over money, they haven't "bought" their place.

These are difficult people and frankly the reason I refuse to book anything without getting cash up front for a group thing - except in very few cases.

I'd give her the evening invite if it will make you feel better within the friendship group.

I wouldnt presume her RSVP accept was confirmation she'd actually turn up anyway.

TooSweetToBeSour · 20/11/2019 19:54

Cheeky cow! I’m guessing you won’t be hearing from her for a while so definitely don’t invite her

Longtalljosie · 20/11/2019 19:58

We no longer speak to a bloke who did precisely this over DH’s stag do. We didn’t have the opportunity to in-invite him to the wedding as it was the best man left out of pocket and we didn’t realise at first. We reimbursed the best man. Flakey friend was very rich. And an idiot.

MissLadyM · 20/11/2019 20:08

Dump her. She'll never pay as she doesn't think she's done anything wrong. Uninvite her. You'll not miss her.

katsucurry · 20/11/2019 20:10

A bridesmaid of mine did exactly this to me. She said she could go to my MOH and that the price was fine and then when she got the message to say it was booked went mad and said I can't believe it was booked on my behalf I never agreed to that and I can't afford it 🙄 we didn't fall out at the time but she then a couple of weeks later, booked a last minute break to the Caribbean!! She was no longer a bridesmaid, nevermind invited. Definitely not unreasonable of you.

SSmith55 · 20/11/2019 20:12

Why would you have a hen do that cost lots of money for others? It's your wedding, and others shouldn't have to pay for it. If you can't afford one person dropping out, maybe you should have thought of something cheaper and more inclusive so people don't fall out over money?

Felyne · 20/11/2019 20:36

SSmith55 the point isn't that it's a hen party/wedding, it could be anything where a group of people agree to an event, agree to share the cost and then one person unfairly bails out. The friend agreed to the cost of the event and it was booked on that basis.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 20/11/2019 20:39

I wouldn’t worry about not inviting her. She’s dropped off the radar already, no?

VincentVanGoughandhisear · 20/11/2019 20:41

And for the love of God, CANCEL THE CHEQUE!!!!

Babysharkdoodoodood · 20/11/2019 20:44

Just tell her straight: I can't now afford for you to attend my wedding so you're un-invited!

Taswama · 20/11/2019 20:48

Yanbu to uninvite her completely.

Newmumma83 · 20/11/2019 20:49

Can someone take her place?:
But evening invite sounds more than fair

Drabarni · 20/11/2019 20:49

I take it she isn't a friend or family of the groom?
She's not your family and she isn't your friend.
Just some randomer.