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Original poster

Friend not paid for hen party. Would I BU to...

193 replies

HonestTeacher · 20/11/2019 17:06

Looking for some advice. I probably am being really unreasonable and passive aggressive too so feel free to tell me so!

A group of friends and I booked a weekend away for my hen party. Everyone confirmed they were happy with dates and costs. I booked and paid for it all. One person has not paid and is now saying they will not be coming (Quite a flaky friend- always cancels). I explained that I had paid for her place but she is refusing to give me the £100. I'm not going to ask the others to split the cost of her place because it is not fair for their costs to go up because she pulled out. I originally said this as a joke but now seriously considering it...would I be unreasonable to give her an evening invite to the wedding now instead of a day invite? It would mean I save quite a bit of money and can recoup the hen party costs 😁 I never mentioned day/evening invites previously when letting people know the date. Given her past, it would be quite likely she would not turn up for the wedding anyway!

OP posts:
Eckhart · 20/11/2019 17:45

Have you made it clear to her that you can't get a refund, so if she doesn't pay you, you'll lose the money? I would state it to her like that and ask her how she would like to go forward. It'll put her in a very difficult situation if she actually has to state to you that she wants you to fork out for her flakiness. She might cave, and you won't feel passive aggressive anymore.

Either way, once you've tried that, no more friendship and no invite to wedding. She's miles out of order to have even put you in this situation. It's hard not to be passive aggressive when faced with such crappy behaviour, because the only other option is to call it, which takes guts.

TriangularRatbag · 20/11/2019 17:47

Disinvite, defriend.

Original poster
HonestTeacher · 20/11/2019 17:47

Reading all of these has definitely made me consider not inviting her at all now. She is the person, outside family, that I have known the longest so I guess part of me feels obliged to invite her. Also, we have mutual friends and it would be awkward at gatherings if I have completely snubbed her. I could make it more awkward by asking for my £100 back in person 😁

OP posts:
Ribeebie · 20/11/2019 17:48

I wouldn't invite her at all.

Ellisandra · 20/11/2019 17:50

I wouldn’t necessary uninvite someone who was flaky.
The fuck would I be inviting someone who stitched me up for £100!

Bobbybobbins · 20/11/2019 17:50

After your update OP I'd probably do evening invite rather than not at all but either way YANBU

diddl · 20/11/2019 17:53

It seems that she doesn't care about you or your wedding Op?

Why would you invite her to anything?

Future meet ups unlikely to be awkward for her-she doesn't care!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/11/2019 17:54

You feel obliged to invite her, but she doesn't feel obliged to pay you what she owes?
She has already stiffed you for £100, so it would be mad to risk her saying she's coming to the evening do and not turn up - you will end up spending even more on her. Plus. You are already questioning that she may not even turn up to your wedding, based on her reputation for being flaky. I'm not sure what she would add to the event apart from uncertainty.
As others have said, make it completely clear that she agreed the cost and knows you were paying and ask her once more and then leave it. If you can get someone else to take her place then go for it.
And then I'd wait to see her reply but I wouldn't send an evening invite just yet. See what her behaviour is like after this.

Ladyratterley · 20/11/2019 17:58

She sounds flakey as fuck. Speaking as someone who paid out over £600 for wedding guests who dropped out at the last minute... Don't invite her at all! It stings to have to pay something for nothing.

StrictlyNameChangin · 20/11/2019 17:58

Assuming that the us absolutely no doubt that she agreed to the cost, I wouldn't invite her to the wedding at all. She's being beyond rude, unless she's had a financial emergency (and if that's the case she should have spoken to you, explained, grovelled, and asked if she could be excused/replaced).

If she asks where her invite is, I'd be bluntly honest. "Sorry Sarah, since you left me to pay an extra £100 for my hen do, I couldn't afford to invite you to my wedding."

EdersonsSmileyTattoo · 20/11/2019 17:58

I think you are right to explain to her once more that YOU are the one who is out of pocket and she will need to pay up by X date.

If she still refuses then I wouldn’t send her any invite at all, and I’d tell her exactly why, the CF!

Original poster
HonestTeacher · 20/11/2019 17:58

Fuck it! You are all right. I have explained that I can't get a refund and that I am being lumbered with the costs and she has now gone radio silent 🙄 I've been too much of a people pleaser but I'm going to stop with her.

OP posts:
carolinelucaseshandbag · 20/11/2019 17:59

How did she refuse to pay? Did she acknowledge that it had cost you money but hey, what the hell, your not getting it back?!
Try one last time. Screen shot the messages where you made the cost clear, where she then agreed to pay, and where you said "right everyone I'm booking now so there's no going back" (or words do that effect!). Then ask her one last time for the money, and if she still says no, then end of friendship Sad

Mummyshark2018 · 20/11/2019 18:01

Which reason did she give as to why she wasn't coming?

Bluerussian · 20/11/2019 18:01

Is there someone else who could come in her place? You wouldn't have to tell them they are a last minute selection. It's possible there is someone who would be delighted to go to the hen party and wouldn't mind paying £100.

feelingsinister · 20/11/2019 18:01

I think I would ask her for the money face to face and tell her that you will be losing out on that money.

My initial instinct would be to not invite her at all but I'd probably give her an evening invitation just to stop any awkwardness with mutual friends.

Spitsandspots · 20/11/2019 18:02

was astounded when she said she would not pay

Has this been discussed over a group WhatsApp? Do the others know she is refusing to pay? I would hope they could persuade her to pay but no, YANBU to not invite her.....at all.

BendNSnap · 20/11/2019 18:02

If the radio silence continues then don't invite her at all. Cheeky bitch. YANBU

GrumpyHoonMain · 20/11/2019 18:02

She’s not much of a friend if she has lumbered you with the debt. Can you invite anyone else in her place? Dsis had something similar happen to her so Bil’s cousin came instead. Agree you shouldn’t invite her at all to any part of the wedding

OldEvilOwl · 20/11/2019 18:06

If she still refuses to pay I would tell her 'fine, don't bother coming to the wedding either' cheeky fucker. Can't anyone else fill her space?

RavenLG · 20/11/2019 18:07

I'd not invite to the wedding. If she tries to make it awkward at social gatherings say something like
"Well, I was £100 out of pocket after you refused to pay for your place at the hen party, so we had to cancel your space and meal at the wedding to recover the loss"
Cheeky cunt.

crispysausagerolls · 20/11/2019 18:07

I hate evening invitations so I think just don’t invite her at all 😁 bitch!

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 20/11/2019 18:08

She's left you £100 out of pocket. These things happen of course but you would pay up without needing to be asked. None of this radio silence nonsense.

I wouldn't invite her.

ButtonMoonLoon · 20/11/2019 18:14

Absolutely don’t invite her, and if this means you can recoup some of the cost of what she owes you, even better!

usernamerisnotavailable · 20/11/2019 18:16

Fuck her. A friend would not do this.

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