Friend taking illness again, after being told I'm on the 2 week pathway

[Lumpybumps1]

I have a friend of several years who has form for fabricating illness, twice she has been caught out feigning cancer symptoms and fabricating appointments and diagnosises before back tracking after questions are asked and making miraculous recoveries claiming the doctors had got it wrong. I stuck by her despite having strong opinions on her behaviour because I suspect there may be an underlying MH problem, I don't know. Members of her family have caught her out before.

This week I've been referred urgently on the 2 week pathway for a scan and further investigation, In my case they are looking for lymphoma. I have a thread in health and have been receiving some fab support (thank you all)

This friend now knows about my investigations and is suddenly "being admitted into hospital" tomorrow despite there being nothing wrong with her. No mention of bad health this year until my doctor has concerns about me, now suddenly she's at deaths door again. Lung cancer this time. (Another friend who lives closer to her than I do has confirmed there's nothing wrong, perfectly healthy as usual)

I'm deeply hurt that she's doing this again, and doing it off the back of my legitimate health problems.

I want to say something but I'm not confrontational. Would you say anything?

I'm wishing I cut her off before, but it feels so personal and heartless now as she knows what I'm going through.

@HeatedDryer your link says fabricated illness is what was known as munchausens by proxy. It's different to what this lady is doing.

OP, if you think blocking would aggravate her, just turn her number to silent in notifications for text, calls and what's app etc, and on social media.

How the heck does someone get admitted to hospital just like that. I am waiting six weeks for an urgent scan, then will have to wait for a consultant appointment. She is deffo. telling porkies.

You have thanked her for the gifts. I'd send one more text:

"Hi Munchausen, wishing you well with your hospital appointment tomorrow. Personally, I need to concentrate on my health for now so unfortunately I cannot be of any support to you at the moment. It's good you have others to support you through this very difficult time though. Hope you manage to have a nice Christmas."

Then block her for life!

You are at a stage where you will need real support, not to have to worry about someone else's mental health issues manifesting itself. Be kind to yourself and allow people who will support and make you the focus of their positive energy.

I know someone who created the most elaborate confection of a fake cancer scenario. However, she had the courtesy to know she had been rumbled and that no one was buying her increasingly wild stories. We heard not a single word from her once the very hard questions were asked.
She had had a very sad life, but all sympathy drained away once she went way over the top. More self damage? Who k ows. But if your friend has no insight into what she is doing then she really is a waste of energy for you given your own situation.
She needs specialist help

I would agree with ignoring her too. A generic "Sorry to hear that, get well soon" message is more than enough. If she pushes it just say that you are sorry but you need to focus on your own health now.
I have some understanding of how frustrating it is as I have suffered similar from a relative this year. I am recovering from a life threatening situation, whereas she had day case surgery but if I ever post anything on social media about how I am doing then she always comments about her "recovery" with lots of platitudes and irrelevant advice. At first it drove me crazy and made me so angry but I made a conscious decision not to invest any more emotional energy in her so I just delete or ignore her comments and refuse to engage. It has made me feel a lot better.
I hope things turn out well for you.

Obviously she is deeply troubled. I would just not engage with her about her 'illness' if you are able but maintain the relationship. After all, she is ill, she just doesn't have cancer but I doubt she can help herself. It's not a sane thing to do!

However, if you don't have the space in your life right now to deal with her behaviour that it is completely fair enough.

Ah OP you sound lovely

I noticed you said this:

I thought she was just troubled but never malicious and now I'm not sure.

While that may even be true, you must focus on how her actions make you feel. Her intent might not be to upset you (she probably doesn't think it does because she will think everyone is buying her stories) it might be to get your attention, but what is important is how it makes you feel. And it makes you feel like shit.

You're lovely and I think want to see the best in people so remember you don't need to demonise her or think she's a terrible person in order to walk away.

You can just know she isn't someone it's good for you to be around, definitely not at the moment, and that's enough reason for you to walk away.

Return the gifts. I would tell her why you are ending the friendship and then block.

I'd be tempted to pretend I'''ll spend the day at the hospital and call her bluff

'Which ward are you on? What time are you there? I can pop along from oncology or we can meet up in the cafe'

Block and delete. MH or not, her behaviour relies on other people enabling it.

Engaging with this behaviour is not lovely - it's making her worse and endangering you.

It does sound like she has a MH problem.
I struggle sometimes with health anxiety, and if someone close to me has investigations into an illness then I do find it triggers my own fears.
The difference is that I don't share that with them - or anyone, and I also don't want to go to the doctor because I know why it's happened and that the fear will pass in a while, so I can get on with being fully supportive.

So perhaps she's not doing it actively to grab your attention, or to be unkind in her timing - she may genuinely struggle with health anxiety issues but then not know how to deal with them.
That is not to excuse her though. Her behaviour's terrible and she's being selfish, whether she is aware enough of that to stop herself or not. I'm just suggesting a reason for her actions to point out that 1) you don't have to take her behaviour personally, 2) those are her issues, they are not your responsibility, and you need to give yourself time and love at this point in time.

I agree with other suggestions to tell her that you've got a lot on your plate at the moment, and that you're taking a bit of time out to deal with things. And maybe you'll catch up soon when things are a bit less full-on.

I hope your investigations go well, and you're given the all-clear fast. Look after yourself and definitely don't feel bad for setting good boundaries with someone like that.

I know you've got more than enough on your plate, but isn't it relatively easy to nip this in the bud by asking what ward she's being admitted to so you can visit when you have your own appointments? If or when she can't answer, suggest to her she really needs to ask for a psych referral.

Sending Christmas presents this early is her way of blackmailing you into maintaining the friendship. Don't be manipulated. End the friendship.

I would ask her what ward she is being admitted to and tell her you will visit

Thank you all, you've confirmed my own thoughts on the matter

I could have and should have cut this one off sooner, I was in hospital with sepsis this year and she was equally as unsympathetic then. I was in for a fortnight with my newborn baby and within 24-48 hours of getting home, still in shock and only just well enough to be discharged, she was asking to borrow money.

I had a thread on here actually as it upset me and a bloody newspaper picked it up, fortunately I changed some details as I could never be sure whether or not she used these forums but I was hoping she didn't get wind of it (not that I should have given a shit)

Looking at the bigger picture, she's not a healthy friend to have in any sense.

I don't have many friends if I'm honest, so I am guilty of letting things slide more than once and trying to be a good friend myself. I have been a soft idiot.

She can forget it now, this is the final straw

Those questions about what ward are you on, who is your consultant, what medication are you taking, what time is your appointment etc. Rumbled the person we had this situation with. At 1st she got defensive, but back pedalled so much, told so many lies that eventually there was silence.
Mutual friends still see here and is fit as a fiddle and no mention of cancer.
Isnt the human mind a bizarre place though?

I'm not close enough to be able to pop down to the hospital so she would think that was a trick, but I will ask what ward etc and say I'll send some chocs or flowers.

Good idea.

Well done OP I think that's so much healthier for you than any game playing or trying to catch her out.

It's exhausting doing that and escalates everything further as liars just keep lying more!

You know she's bullshitting and that she doesn't seem to want to tackle the reasons she does this.

There's no benefit in confronting her if you're walking away from the friendship anyway. It sounds absolutely the right thing to do.

And again I really hope you're OK

I'd have to confront her, but maybe by email/text.

I would tell her how I stood by her when she lied about her health, that she needs to get help as she has serious problems.
and because she is doing it again,for my own self preservation, I must move on without her as my friend. Then block.

Good. You mustn't give people like this airtime, it's really bad for both of you.

If you are forced into contact (she will try and try) change the subject and hang up. That, horribly, is the kind thing to do.

Sorry cross posted - I personally think that asking her for more details / trying to catch her out etc is the equivalent of feeding the trolls.

You know she's lying, she knows she's lying - she'll never admit it and will either keep lying more (so no benefit to you trying to catch her out) or stop talking to you when she realises she's been caught out (so no benefit to you trying to catch her out).

Focus on you

Just block and ignore, don't feed the troll.

With the latest info just stop wasting your energy on it!

Ignore, cut her off whatever, you absolutely do not need to be dealing with her shit at this time.

Totally focus all your resources, mental and physical, on yourself.

I wish you the best OP, it's a tough time

She's active on messenger at the min. I asked what ward she's going to be on as I want to send her something to cheer her up, she has replied instantaneously saying...

"I'm not sure until I get there, they think I've got sepsis because I can't stop sweating and my chest and shoulders are on fire"

The lying mare, not only is she coat tailing my cancer scare but she's now adding sepsis in the mix for good measure despite me being in HDU for a fortnight with exactly that after I gave birth.

Sepsis is a blue light emergency which she would know if she had bothered to research it. No doctor, nurse or otherwise would tell somebody with red flags for sepsis to chill out at home then come in tomorrow.

I'm really upset now, what a fucking liar