To think that parents of twins

[scrapaja]

Have it financially harder than parents of single kids.

The government recognise the financial hardship experienced by parents of children with disabilities and also recognise single babies' financial hardship - offering maternity leave and child benefit. But parents of twins - I don't feel seen or acknowledged as being different to a parent of a single baby but there are differences.

We didn't plan for two babies. I love them dearly.

Put very true but they still only have 1 newborn to care for not 2.

Maybe the length of mat leave should be awarded on a case by case basis?
I not only had the physical issues to recover from birthing 2 babies but the birth nearly killed me so my recovery was triple what it was with my previous 2 single babies.

Nobody is trying to say twin mums have it worse just that our struggle is often dismissed/overlooked because other mums have it worse for whatever reason.

Twins island affording twins is an an obvious consideration before getting pregnant (If planned)

This is such a ridiculous argument. Aside form those I know who had IVF and had the options of implanting two, those who have twins in their family, or those who have close friends with twins, I don’t know a single person who made contingency plans for having twins just in case it happened to them. Should everyone planning a pregnancy plan for quads just in case? Or quints? It can happen so surely every parent should prepare for it.

I was completely ignorant about twins before I had them and from the comments I get I know this is true for most people. I thought nobody had twins unless they run in the mother’s family or you have fertility treatment. It never occurred to me I would have twins and the only twin mums I know who did plan for it were those who had a reason to expect it.

Nobody who isn’t very well off would ever have children if they tried to make sure they could afford a multiple pregnancy before trying to get pregnant.

That’s really kind Penny but I can promise you I’m actually quite shit and just trying to get on with it 😂

Penny... Yes I agree, individual circumstances should be considered.

Thank you for explaining your point of view without being defensive.

Put no worries.

There is no need to be defensive but I do understand why some are.
The amount of times I have heard:

"Oh it can't be so bad you have had 2 already you know how to be a mum"
"Well my single pregnancy was worse because a,b,c,d so what do you have to moan about"

It's the dismissive attitude that can be frustrating. It like twin mums are not allowed to say how hard it is or how much more support they need because it's only 1 more baby.

When i went for my first scan i met a lovely but very shocked looking couple who just found out their first pregnancy which was natural was triplets!
I did count my lucky stars i must admit.
I often think about them 13 years later and wonder how they are doing.

I personally wouldn’t advocate for longer maternity leave just for multiples specifically, but 12 months of SMP and better quality affordable childcare for babies from 1 year old would make all the difference to so many parents and especially to twin parents with double the cost.

The first time I got a break was when the twins were eligible for 15 funded hours at nursery due to claiming DLA when they were 27 months old. Just a couple of mornings a week but the difference it makes to my physical and mental health is beyond belief and more importantly it’s been really good for them too. They still don’t sleep well so at least I now have an opportunity to rest (house is still a tip but never mind!).

I believe you used to be able to apply for a one off grant for parents of twins to help with the increased essential costs?

I was completely ignorant about twins before I had them and from the comments I get I know this is true for most people. I thought nobody had twins unless they run in the mother’s family or you have fertility treatment

True for most people? Really? Even my 12 year old understands the biology behind twins and knows family history can make fraternal twins more likely, but they can come out of nowhere.

How do you think you get identical twins? A random zygote split is exactly that, random and unpredictable, and nothing to do with previous history or ivf.

affording twins is an an obvious consideration before getting pregnant (If planned) by extension, you should only have a baby if you can afford to raise at least 3 simultaneously with one of you quitting work totally to care for a(t least one) child with complex needs / put in full time care for a chd with complex needs.

double baby milk ( I did bf for 3 weeks but it was too much in the end) I know very few twin Mom's who have managed extended bf compared to singleton Mom's, Inc ones where they've literly gone from bfing first child straight to second. It might not seem like a big deal but it's all the kite things thst add up. Not saying there needs to be a solution but it does make a difference

@SinkGirl noi can confirm you are indeed awesome and actually I can promise you I’m actually quite shit and just trying to get on with it 😂 reinforces it. You'd be less awesome if it was easy. The fa t you do it because you just have to does detract from that. DS was in for 4 months but basically in and out for 18 months woth a long stay and lots of ops around his 1st birthday. Our saving grace was he was our first born and my biggest fear for my twins (coming next month!!!!) is a protracted stsy in hospital for them both with a 4 yo in school, or having to split them and my time because one is poorly and the other is discharged. So take the compliment, even if it's been 3 days since you showered, the house is a tip and the kids are running amok

I know very few twin Mom's who have managed extended bf compared to singleton Mom's

Being honest I would not recommend it.
Looking back I was very unwell after the birth and the last thing I should have done was Bf but I am stubborn. I had bf my first 2 and was adamant the next 2 would have the same start in life.

After 3 weeks it was physically and mentally taking its toll. I was disraught at giving up but within a week I felt so much better and the twins are healthy and happy so God knows why I put myself through it.

Twins and affording twins is an an obvious consideration before getting pregnant (If planned)

This is such a ridiculous argument. Aside form those I know who had IVF and had the options of implanting two, those who have twins in their family, or those who have close friends with twins, I don’t know a single person who made contingency plans for having twins just in case it happened to them. Should everyone planning a pregnancy plan for quads just in case? Or quints? It can happen so surely every parent should prepare for it.

Spot on. The "everyone should all be prepared for triplets or quads, of course I was, you've only got twins dear" is absolute rubbish Naturally these people all thoroughly considered whether they might have triplets and attempted pregnancy with a full plan for this. ODFOD.

I was completely ignorant about twins before I had them and from the comments I get I know this is true for most people. I thought nobody had twins unless they run in the mother’s family or you have fertility treatment

Same. I knew that by freak of nature you could get twins that weren't IVF or family genetics, and that's pretty much how it is. Most twins are as a result of IVF or from the mother's side genetically. So if you were already in that camp, you'd not be too surprised. They make up the vast majority of twin births. If you're not in that camp, then it's very rare. As in not to be expected. Technically possible, but rare.

You always get one though, don't you...

True for most people? Really? Even my 12 year old understands the biology behind twins...

Of course your 12 year old knows this. Wouldn't expect otherwise. It's not about knowing HOW it happens, it's about the very rare frequency when no IVF or genetics are in play. And to make it pretty clear, as a mother of twins, just like @SinkGirl , most people don't know any of this. Because as twin mums, we hear it all the time. "Are they identical?"...."No, because ones a boy and ones a girl"..."ohhhhhhhhhhh, lol yes I'd never really thought about it, they can't be can they, silly me". And that's the reality of how the whole experience is. Twins are not expected by anyone, unless in specific situations as above. People get it pretty quickly, because it's not a difficult concept, but they've never thought about it before. And do you know why?? Because it's that rare, they don't think it will happen to them so it never enters their head.

But you carry on with no experience whatsoever and tell us how it is it's enlightening.

After natural conception, about 1 in 80 births in the UK results in multiples, compared with 1 in 5 after IVF.

All pregnant women have approximately the same chance of having identical twins: about 1 in 250.

I was the one in 80 and I was not prepared.
Even if I could have prepared financially, the psychological, emotional, physical and practical side, nobody can prepare for.

I'm 5ft 1. My bump grew to 5ft 1 amI was housebound from 30 weeks until I had them at 39 weeks, but had understanding employers thankfully..

I don’t know a single person who made contingency plans for having twins just in case it happened to them. Should everyone planning a pregnancy plan for quads just in case? Or quints? It can happen so surely every parent should prepare for it.

Obviously the higher the order of multiple, the lower probability (by order of magnitude).

So, no.

A lot of my friends opted out of babies, thirds in particular, as they reached their late 30s because of the increased odds of multiples.

After natural conception, about 1 in 80 births in the UK results in multiples, compared with 1 in 5 after IVF.

Yep...and also (I can't find the statistic to hand) the 1 in 80, is vastly the women who've got twins in the family. If you took those women out of the equation, it's even less common.

All pregnant women have approximately the same chance of having identical twins: about 1 in 250.

And yet, according to some, all pregnant women naturally expect and have a full contingency plan for being one of those 4 in 1000.

I was the one in 80 and I was not prepared.
Even if I could have prepared financially, the psychological, emotional, physical and practical side, nobody can prepare for.

This is so very very true

True for most people? Really? Even my 12 year old understands the biology behind twins...

You’ve clearly never left the house with a set of twins and heard the stuff people come out with.

There are even many parents of DCDA twins who don’t realise their twins are identical because they don’t know that 25% of same sex DCDA twins are identical. Which is unsurprising when I didn’t speak to a single midwife or radiographer during my pregnancy who knew this.

Most people are indeed completely clueless about twins.

How do you think you get identical twins? A random zygote split is exactly that, random and unpredictable, and nothing to do with previous history or ivf.

Do you honestly think I don’t know this?

Identical twins are rare. I know how they occur, thanks.

I thought fraternal twins ran in families and didn’t really understand the mechanics behind this - as most people don’t as I still get people now saying “twins run in my boyfriends family so I might have twins too”, and then not believing me when I tell them that this doesn’t increase the likelihood at all.

Thank you sleeping - I hope you can avoid a long stay. We were very unlucky (DT2 was born with a very rare condition affecting 1 in 100,000 - guess I should have prepared for that too 😉). Most of the twins I know are doing brilliantly well, i hope everything goes perfectly for you.

After 3 weeks it was physically and mentally taking its toll. I was disraught at giving up but within a week I felt so much better and the twins are healthy and happy so God knows why I put myself through it.

I hear that! My twins couldn’t bf (tube fed for ages and by the time we got to try they just couldn’t latch). I pumped for 7 months but my supply was so bad I was still pumping 12x a day at that point and still having to supplement DT1 (DT2 needed a specialist formula as well as the EBM, for medical reasons.

I think I must have been completely mad to do that!

A lot of my friends opted out of babies, thirds in particular, as they reached their late 30s because of the increased odds of multiples.

Can’t believe I missed this. Opting out of trying for a third child in case it’s twins is very different from never having a child at all just in case it’s twins, even though there’s no twins in your family and your chances of twins are therefore low, when you want to have children.

It wasn’t on my list of considerations - evidently it should have been, but it wasn’t.

Lmao to not having children just in case they are twins, especially if there are no twins in the family. Do people actually think like this?

Lmao to not having children just in case they are twins, especially if there are no twins in the family. Do people actually think like this?

Of course not. We are just expected to have done so if we dare discuss the challenges of expecting one baby and getting two.

I am astonished OP is getting so much pushback on this, to me (as the mother of one baby, and I find that hard enough sometimes!) it's obvious she's right. I did have a contingency plan for twins - it was sell the house. Because childcare for two babies (costs a lot more than one baby and one older toddler) is more than either of us earn, but we couldn't pay the mortgage and bills with one of us not working. DS was a desperately wanted baby but I was still very relieved when there was just one on the scan because I was terrified of twins - all the more so, in fact, because I'd spent enough time on infertility forums to know how much higher risk twin pregnancies are.

@SinkGirl
It just seems bizarre that some people are so eager to dismiss the obvious difficulties of having double the usual number of babies at the same time. Doesn’t mean it’s harder than anything else in existence (we aren’t in somewhere like Syria for a start), but denying the objective reality that having two babies is harder than having one is odd.

Yes!

I love my twins, but it has come with challenges I had not expected or planned for. I planned for a second single child. I have identical twins, so got my third as well at the same time.

I know I've not got it as hard as a lot of people, but that doesn't mean it hasn't been really hard.

Twins are wonderful though. I would not trade them.

Some of us are just crap parents @SinkGirl 😂 I got pregnant the first time without any consideration for having a poorly baby or twins, assumed I'd go back to work after a year (not gone back yet and he's 4...) and got pregnant the second time assuming our chances of spontaneous mutation aka DC1 were surely barely 0 and only a marginal concern for twins. Some of us are so feckless!!

It just seems bizarre that some people are so eager to dismiss the obvious difficulties of having double the usual number of babies at the same time

That's not true at all, rather what's in dispute is that it's an extraordinary financial hardship.