To think that parents of twins

[scrapaja]

Have it financially harder than parents of single kids.

The government recognise the financial hardship experienced by parents of children with disabilities and also recognise single babies' financial hardship - offering maternity leave and child benefit. But parents of twins - I don't feel seen or acknowledged as being different to a parent of a single baby but there are differences.

We didn't plan for two babies. I love them dearly.

So glad this thread is full of twin joy 3 weeks before mine are being delivered....

Agree Re paternity leave. We're lucky, Christmas week falls in the middle of paternal leave and he's booking 2 weeks AL so he'll be home for 5 to help with twins and DS, 4, who has additional needs.

I had two sets of twins within 20 months of each other. I used some stuff from my single pregnancy for the first set and and brought a second moses basket, cot and bouncer. The only real "set-up" expense for the next set was having to buy 3 car seats and a second double buggy. I did look at a quad buggy but the only one I could find was £1500 from Australia and I somehow managed with the buggy board and a sling.

All girls so I was able to reuse all clothes until last Summer as they are all now the same height so nothing to pass down anymore. No child benefit and childcare was a killer We worked out we would have to earn about £120k before tax just to pay for childcare for all of them at nursery. We went down the nanny route instead as when I went back to work after the second set I was able to get the funding for the first so costs came down slightly. I did earn pretty much nothing for about 4 years though.

Yes, it's expensive but I did choose to have 5 kids!

I agree with a PP - I have two children, two years apart. They cost just the same as your two children, born on the same day! Yes you may need to pay out a little more at one time, which might be difficult at that time. However you'll probably get back on track faster.

I agree it is much more expensive. For example you need two cots, a double pram/pushchair, two highchairs, two slings or travel cots, two car seats, two coats, two sets of shoes. You never pass stuff down. Now they are older its not much worse than two kids following each other but expenses do come at once.

I also have a single (whihc I had when my twins were quite young). Dealing with a newborn single is so much nivcer than twins. Sleep deprivation is very manageable compared to wo babies at once.

How come you didn't reuse anything from the first child @EleanorShellstrop100?

This thread has really bugged me!!

I think it just sums up that you (as a twin parent) are just banging your head against a brick wall (and come across as whinging) if you try to explain why twins is harder than two singletons. That's not to say (so ner, we have it harder' or saying that 'no one else has it hard' - it's simply a statement of what is with twins. Of course other scenarios are hard but just because something is difficult, it doesn't mean other things for other people can't be too.

Thinking about this more, I think maybe it's because it isn't just about finances... Finances though are easier to quantify. Perhaps what it's really hard to get across is all the little nuances that are different with twins that are harder to explain... the physical toll and challenges, the mental toll and challenges, the higher risks of disabilities, the higher likelihood of behavioural challenges etc etc... The absolute exhaustion of nights where you had to literally decide which baby to comfort, or which poorly toddler got to sleep on you. It's no surprise that parents of twins are more likely to separate - the stress of multiples is a factually accepted thing in research, but not amongst the general population.

I think it's like how I feel almost alien that I'm struggling more with my DTs now at 10 than I did when they were gorgeous angelic toddlers because now there's something in the dynamic of competition/hormones/something that means I'm witnessing a complex situation that doesn't exist with their singleton sibling. The worries about having two so easily directly compared in a single-form entry school etc etc.

It's not about who has it harder. It's simply about acknowledging that other parents can find it bloody tough at different points and for different reasons and no-one's experience negates another.

But for some reason there's this weird thing about twins and how you should just put up and shut up - funnily enough that's basically what we do day in day out. There's a reason why TAMBA (now Twins Trust) campaign on these issues - because it seems the general population just don't 'get' it and want to criticise rather than support (not necessarily financially!).

if you try to explain why twins is harder than two singletons

And who are you@pukkapine to decide that?
I know allergy parents who have had actual breakdowns while being clueless about why their child is failing to thrive.
I know twin parents who've said their babies 14 months apart were much harder.

Moan about being a parent by all means. But don't assume you've got it harder. And don't assume that people have to acknowledge anything.

To be fair pukka this thread was about the financial aspect.

I don't think anyone could reasonably say that having twins wouldn't be masses of hard work in the early years and far harder than a single.

Not read the whole thread so sorry if this has already been said.

The government recognise the financial hardship experienced by parents of children with disabilities - actually no, most parents of children with disabilities get nothing. Parents of children with severe and complex disabilities get a pittance that barely touches the sides of the extra expense of having a severely disabled child.

Twin mums don’t accept anyone else has it harder either. Triplets mums?

What crap is this?

Want to use any examples there?....

It's a long running joke in my twins support WhatsApp group that mums of triplets or quads are clearly superhuman and should probably rule the world.

Examples all over this thread bemoaning the finances, the hardship, the not being seen, the opening OP is first instance. It’s at the top of the page for you to clearly see.

I don't know any parents who threw every single baby related item away between their dc @EleanorShellstrop100. I can see it could happen if you really hadn't expected to have another dc.
That is really unfortunate for anyone.

Yes. We had older dc then twins so needed a double buggy, second cot and mattress, extra car seat, additional clothes as hand me downs weren't enough going from one dc to two. Also had to buy a bigger car that could fit 3 car seats.

Obviously people who have 3 dc close together have similar but I'd suggest there's a bit more choice in whether you have 3 singles v multiples. Childcare also wasn't staggered so we had budgeted for dd 1 to be old enough to get funding (at 3) so I could afford childcare for dc2 and top up dd1. With 2 babies in nursery I had to give up work. This was the case for most of the multiple families we saw at our multiples support group - one parent becoming sahp. That's the biggest impact. At 8yo I'm now back on my career path but I didn't intend to take the time out so my salary is about £10k off where it would have been had twins been a single baby.

Yep completely fucked my career and I never got it back again. We planned for another DC carefully to coincide with DC1 being in preschool/school due to childcare costs. We ended up with another two, different sex so we couldn't reuse clothes even. Childcare x2 +wrap around care for DC1 meant I would be paying to go to work, and after more than halving our income after childcare but almost doubling our family, that obviously wasn't workable.

One of them has SN too, directly related to them being a twin, so triple whammy as I had to quit work again later on due to him being out of education/stress of behaviour issues. They're teenagers now and it breaks my heart to see the disparity in their development.

Really irritates me when people try to compare close together pregnancies to twins. They could have used contraception to prevent them being close together after all.

Don't be ridiculous. Not entertaining the ridiculous parents of two singletons who think that's the same as having twins, does not mean we are incapable of the concept that a triplet mother has it tougher in every aspect than we do as twin mums.

We're dismissing nonsense. See the difference.

We had DS1, then 11.5 years and a couple of miscarriages later we had DTSs. The biggest financial drain was the month they spent in SCBU, having been born at 32 weeks - hospital parking costs were a significant part of that. Plus the fact that we had kept a lot of DS1's stuff wasn't anything like as much of a help as we'd hoped. But there we go. They are now a pair of extremely energetic 2.5yos and we are enormously thankful for that.

Don't mention nursery bills though 😣

actually no, most parents of children with disabilities get nothing. Parents of children with severe and complex disabilities get a pittance that barely touches the sides of the extra expense of having a severely disabled child.

If people are up for more state funding this is where it would help those who really need the extra support.

Well having twins has been likened to having a disabled child, and I personally do call that nonsense. So please step down from that high horse, not all twin mothers are perfect and a lot of them here on this thread have not been graceful or accepting that other people do have harder times.

I know twin parents who've said their babies 14 months apart were much harder

I know twin parents who say once you get past the initial feed/change/sleep cycle twins are much easier as they entertain each other, whereas their singletons have been velcro babies they couldn’t put down for a second.

Financially, twins will be easier if you’re on a 100k income than a singleton on a 20k income. Or if you have grandparent care for twins, vs a singleton in nursery.

@MarshaBradyo

I fully agree with this. I don't know too much about DLA, but a quick Google of the rates would suggest this doesn't touch the sides of the costs of a severely disabled child.

I think there's been confusion that pp have been trying to liken twins to having a disabled child. Mainly due to bad wording. Reading between the lines, I take it that whilst there is no comparison between raising multiples and raising a disabled child, there is a direct comparison that it's something you have not predicted, been able to prevent (other than abortion of the child/ren completely) and now causes significantly extra cost and care than a standard pregnancy.

I think it's the "mother nature put us in this position" aspect of both scenarios that are comparable. As I have a child with additional needs already, I have every empathy for those with disabled children. There's so much my twins will be able to do that my elder DS never will. A child with disabilities absolutely costs so very much more than one without. However, this doesn't take away from the fact that the twins need additional recognition for financial aid than a singleton.

Well having twins has been likened to having a disabled child, and I personally do call that nonsense. So please step down from that high horse, not all twin mothers are perfect and a lot of them here on this thread have not been graceful or accepting that other people do have harder times.

See above post to MarshaBradyo

@bluebluezoo where exactly are you going to put two babies of you don't have that stuff?

*if you try to explain why twins is harder than two singletons

And who are you@pukkapine to decide that?
I know allergy parents who have had actual breakdowns while being clueless about why their child is failing to thrive.

You do realise twins can have allergies and failure to thrive too?

All of the things people mention that can make being a parent of a singleton more difficult also happen to twins.

My twins have disabilities and allergies and endocrine issues and months in nicu etc etc. Would have been much easier to deal with for one. Right now I’m going through the hell that is sorting out EHCPs, two at the same time - it’s bloody horrendous. Doing it for one is hard enough.

And I’ve never ever heard a twin parent deny its harder to triplet + parents - quite the opposite.

We found having a new baby, a 1 year old and a 3 years (and we both worked full time) was harder than baby twins because the twins were at the same stage - whereas with a baby and toddler you can sit down to to breastfeed the baby and the toddler starts to kick you or is toddling around all over. At least twins tend to have the same level of mobility.

This is not everyone’s experience of twins. My twins are developmentally different levels in different areas. People assume they can just share the same clothes, eat the same food, do the same activities, play with each other etc. My twins don’t even know the other exists, they don’t interact at all. So i don’t have the benefit of this that some seem to have and everyone assumes you have.

@SinkGirl
I'm not quite sure why you're cross with me... I agree with what you're saying. It's my exact point - who are any of us to say WE have it harder. But that doesn't negate the fact that having twins is bloody hard work, and not always in the way most expected. I guess another way of saying it is: all other things being equal, two identical health/personality/sleeping/costing children at once is harder than two identical health/personality/sleeping/costing children if they were born to the same parents at different times. Of course, real life doesn't produce children who are even vaguely comparable (check out my id DTs for example).

Of course I understand that having two singletons with allergy issues is difficult. I have a singleton with ASD and DTs where one is 'fine' and one has disabilities caused by being a twin.There is no either/or. What I'm trying to say is that we all struggle at different times and just because we are finding something hard - financially or otherwise - doesn't mean we can't understand that someone else finds something else difficult. It's not a game of difficulty top trumps. We should all be more understanding of each other.