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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants to spend alone time with DD

369 replies

newmum0519 · 20/11/2019 03:13

My DD is about to turn 6 months old. We live very near our in-laws and see them at least once a week. My MIL text me today saying she is disappointed that she hasn't spent any time alone with her granddaughter and could we set something up next week. AIBU to say no to this?

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 20/11/2019 08:31

I don’t see why grandma can’t “dote” on her grandchild in the presence of the mother. Why does she need to be specifically excluded?!

If you read the OP’s posts I think anyone who cares for her might be a bit worried. It’s not normal that OP hasn’t even left the baby alone with her DH. For all we know OP’s DH might have mentioned it to his mum and mum thinks she’s helping.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 20/11/2019 08:33

So that's at least two votes for only being willing to care for children related to you if the parents are willing to loan the child out to you on demand? I'm a big boggled about this, and feeling extra grateful that I get on well with my MIL.

AmbitiouslyFit · 20/11/2019 08:34

I’m not worried about OP.

I didn’t manage to leave baby with DH for longer than few minutes until he was 9 months old and even then only when needed. Breastfeeding played a huge part as well as the fact I just didn’t feel ready.

He is now a very happy 2 year old and everyone comments how friendly and confident he is.

Neither mum nor mil had him alone that’s for sure.

Heartofglass12345 · 20/11/2019 08:35

Just be honest, say you're not ready to leave her at the moment but you'll gladly visit with her or she can come over while your husband is in work to spend some time with her. Any weird/ nasty responses, redirect her to your her son

OnlyAGirlsHorse · 20/11/2019 08:36

If you're not comfortable leaving a 5 month old breastfed baby with a relative, just don't do it op.

It's bizarre to pressure you this way.. it's not like it's been framed as help.

Disappointed? Ffs. Tell her to have a think.

AmbitiouslyFit · 20/11/2019 08:36

And frankly If anyone “expected” to have my baby without me I would’ve lost trust in them.

Who feels the need to exclude the primary carer from a dependant child on purpose unless there is a reason? What’s the motive other than compete for that role which is unpleasant ?

diddl · 20/11/2019 08:38

"It’s not normal that OP hasn’t even left the baby alone with her DH."

Except that she has!

Thinking back I'm not sure that I did particularly.

I mean I didn't go out for the sake of it so that he would be alone with the baby!

Musmerian · 20/11/2019 08:47

@JingsMahBucket. Separation anxiety- hardly! I didn’t want to leave my first with anyone at all for the first 16 months so I didn’t. I felt differently with my other two. I really don’t understand all this pressure from others to hand over your baby. Do it when it suits you and you want to and not before.

lowlandLucky · 20/11/2019 08:48

Are you scared your baby will grow up to love someone but you ? Your child is a member of a family that doesnt just include you. Did you never see your Grandparents or other relatives ? Strange

Hydrogenbeatsoxygen · 20/11/2019 08:52

She’s your child, make your own decisions and do not let anyone influence what you do. Be polite and firm with your MIL but basically tell her to do one.

LongtimeLurker29 · 20/11/2019 08:58

I would have said that you were overreacting at first, but as soon as you said she is known to be manipulative then I changed my mind. She is using your child to try and manipulate you and she's making it all about her And if you let her do it this early on then she will keep doing it. Stand your ground.

diddl · 20/11/2019 09:01

"I would have said that you were overreacting at first,"

Why though?

If Op doesn't want/need to leave her daughter with someone, why should she?

Quirkydays · 20/11/2019 09:02

Receiving a message like that from MIL would make me strongly resent the idea of leaving my DC with her. What an entitled and self-absorbed message. Great that your DH sees it for what it is and I’d be very mindful to NOT work on her manipulative terms.

My DC started nursery when she was 1. Prior to that she had only been with DH for full days (maybe 2 times). Prior to 6 months I had only been apart from her for a one hour haircut. I didn’t have separation anxiety - I just loved being with her and any time apart felt wasted if it wasn’t with her! I didn’t want to go to the cinema, go for drinks etc. Now that’s lessened but I still adore being with her and put that above most things! I don’t imagine I’ll ever be a mum that goes for weekends away leaving young children. Parents vary and it doesn’t mean that one person’s feelings are wrong. All on the spectrum of normal!

MsChatterbox · 20/11/2019 09:03

My son first spent time alone with in laws a few months before his 2nd birthday. I didn't feel comfortable before then. Yes they complained. But he wasn't settled with them. And they didn't want to work with me with getting him settled. As he got older he became closer with them and that's when I felt comfortable to leave him. You can definitely say no. She's still very young.

OnTheFenceWithMostViews · 20/11/2019 09:03

Personally maybe just explain that you don't feel comfortable but maybe start with say 2 hours.. Then a bit more etc.
You day of it came to it and you needed it that's different, but surely in such a situation it's best that baby and GP is used to being alone?

My pil have dd around once a fortnight for. No other reason than they want time with her. Like the others in the holidays etc. At first it was hard but that wore off quickly... I now plan my time when she's there.. I get loads done.. Shopping, meet friends, housework or just have a nap.

Maybe the first time make a plan like, Xmas shopping or something keep occupied?

Selfsettling3 · 20/11/2019 09:04

Someone on another MN thread said her mil referred to mum and a baby as a dyad. I have to look up dyad, it’s means two halves of a whole, I suppose a bit like a tea pot and lid. It’s a lovely way of describing the mum and baby relationship. It’s entirely normal for you to want to be with your baby (equally ok if you want a break) and with a breast feed baby it is so difficult for you to spend time away because they need you.

I’m a bit Hmm at the posters who are suggesting you should just leave your bf baby with your MIL. I can’t imagine leaving a baby with food, water and their main source of comfort,

SnuggyBuggy · 20/11/2019 09:04

It's perfectly normal for a nursing mother to want to keep her infant close. There are some strange attitudes on this thread.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 20/11/2019 09:06

It's a new thing, surely, this idea that grandparents are entitled to alone time with their grandchildren? I saw my grandparents and other relatives a fair bit as a child and my dad's family are constantly in and out of each other's houses but I don't recall really being dropped off and left there alone unless my parents had other plans, it was just sort of assumed that with the children come their parents.

MsChatterbox · 20/11/2019 09:08

Also just to reassure you, my son was absolutely fine when I eventually left him. He did not cling to me or even miss me. And this is what I wanted. So it didn't do any harm not leaving him with people when he was younger.

The only thing I would start doing to help this is get her used to the word goodbye. When you leave a room to go to the toilet for example say goodbye and wave. I have always done this with my son. He learned that when I say goodbye I will go away but then I will come back. Now when I leave him with in laws I say goodbye and he hugs me and says bye happily. None of this sneaking away without him noticing!

Hydrogenbeatsoxygen · 20/11/2019 09:08

As a MIL myself, it’s very upsetting to read about these MILs who have no boundaries. My advice to any parents, is to make your own boundaries around your children, and do not allow anyone at all to step over. Start as you mean to go on!

FreedomfromPE · 20/11/2019 09:08

If it is too soon for you then that's completely fine. If your MIL is really the anti work/ anti nursery thought then remind her that the bond with mum is crucial and that it is a two way thing. Presumably she enjoyed the quality time with her own children? Hence her strong views
Tell her its time for you to enjoy that and for her to enjoy the giggles without the work!

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 20/11/2019 09:08

It's not overreacting not to want to hand your baby over to someone else, family member or not. Take no notice of people trying to guilt you into doing so. They may not have had any choice in the matter.

Stacerini · 20/11/2019 09:09

OP I was talking / reminiscing with DH just last night about how I didn’t want to leave either of our DC when they were little. I kept getting offers to babysit, and seeing photos on social media of friends excitedly going on nights outs whilst Granny babysat, and to be honest, it made me feel like there was something wrong with me for not wanting to go out and leave them! I realise now that there wasn’t, I just wasn’t ready to leave them, and that’s fine.
I have only read the first page of this thread, but just wanted to let you know it’s ok to feel the way you do.

ILoveYou3000 · 20/11/2019 09:10

Are you scared your baby will grow up to love someone but you ? Your child is a member of a family that doesnt just include you. Did you never see your Grandparents or other relatives ? Strange

How ridiculous. The OP sees her MiL with the baby at least once a week, I'm sure she sees other family members too. She simply doesn't want to leave her ebf 6mo alone with her MiL just yet. That's perfectly normal.

Grandmi · 20/11/2019 09:10

Is MIl manipulative because she has felt so left out!! I definitely included both sets of grandparents to get involved and so I never had this situation with my MIL . It’s lovely that she cares so much and good for little ones to get used to other people and bond with others.

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