MIL wants to spend alone time with DD

[newmum0519]

My DD is about to turn 6 months old. We live very near our in-laws and see them at least once a week. My MIL text me today saying she is disappointed that she hasn't spent any time alone with her granddaughter and could we set something up next week. AIBU to say no to this?

*Interesting that so many people are labelling mothers as anxious to try to justify wanting to remove their babies from them for a few hours.

Mothers who don't want to be separated from their six month old babies are behaving exactly as nature intended.

People who refuse to give crying babies to their mothers seem to use it too, making out that the mother is ridiculous for wanting to comfort her distressed child. Using anxiety to put parents down like that is patronising and unpleasant.

A desire to care for your own small baby is not a fault and we should be supporting mothers to do this bid they wish, not making ridiculous suggestions about anxiety and mental health problems.*

👆🏻 this

I'm the same now 5 years on, i think it's because it's your MIL and not your mum, you'll always prefer your family to have her

she'll have her chance but when you're ready

@DuchessMustard The first time my MIL tried to forcibly separate me from my daughter so she could have 'alone time' with her, DD was four DAYS old. She's nearly ten now and our relationship has only got worse since then.

Omg. What happened? Pls tell me she did t succeed in separating you?

I hope the pp meant that her relationship with MIL got worse.

Bottom line, if you don't want to, that's fine and personally I'd be quite miffed if one of my relatives pulled something like this. No one has a right to time with your child, except her other parent. It seems very entitled.

My mother in law is alone with my daughter four days a week while I work. She offered and we gratefully accepted. If she had framed it as if I was in the wrong and she thought I owed her something I'd probably have found another arrangement. I don't believe in rewarding demands with acquiescence.

My mother has never had my DD alone and she's one and a half. Partly because she pulled this rubbish in the early days but mainly because she has shown a tendency to disregard my instructions relating to DD's care.

You do what you're comfortable with, OP.

OP you have said you're not comfortable, so don't do it. Her disappointment is her affair-obviously she uses that type of language to manipulate others, but that's not your problem. Respect your own needs and boundaries and that is what your child will learn from you.

“ I'm the same now 5 years on, i think it's because it's your MIL and not your mum, you'll always prefer your family to have her ”
The problem with this attitude, perfectly understandable as it is, is that the baby’s relationship with it’s two grandmothers is exactly the same.

Regarding paternal gp vs maternal gp - It is what it is,its completely natural for a mother to spend more time with her own mother than the MIL, thus the maternal gp will be closer/spend more time with the grandchildren. I do feel a bit for women that have sons and not any daughters because they tend to miss out on that extremely close bond when it comes to infant grandkids (generalising obviously). But it doesn't mean those grandparents are therefore entitled to demand alone time with the grand kids, ffs!

The problem with this attitude, perfectly understandable as it is, is that the baby’s relationship with it’s two grandmothers is exactly the same

@BertrandRussell.that is exactly spot on.Thats the way i feel.

She's your baby and you decide when you're ready to leave her with someone! My son is 13 months old and I still don't leave him with anyone for very long.

“ But it doesn't mean those grandparents are therefore entitled to demand alone time with the grand kids, ffs!”
Of course not. But surely it’s worth thinking about? Not just accept that by definition the paternal grandmother is the inferior one? And also acknowledge that it might be a very upsetting position for the paternal grandmother to be in and to cut them a bit of slack by not automatically imbuing a badly worded sentence with sinister motives?

@Lweji @Shesalittlemadam

The first time my MIL tried to forcibly separate me from my daughter so she could have 'alone time' with her, DD was four DAYS old. She's nearly ten now and our relationship has only got worse since then.

Omg. What happened? Pls tell me she did t succeed in separating you?

I hope the pp meant that her relationship with MIL got worse.

Yes - sorry for confusion.

My MIL has been totally obsessed with my daughter from the day she was born (for a lot of reasons, too long to go into here) and spent the first few years of her life trying desperately to get her (my daughter) away from me and DH.

She basically wanted to pretend that DD was her own daughter - she only had sons, and had PND when DH was born and pretty much neglected/ignored him until he was 2 yrs old.

Me and to a lesser extent DH were inconveniences that got in the way of her pretending that DD was her baby, not mine.

Even now, ten years later, if we eat out with them or go anywhere, she will blatantly make everyone move seats/move around until she has cornered DD on her own.

Even when I had another baby it didn't matter, she offered no help at all with my newborn son and was only interested in using my postnatal helplessness as a way of getting DD away on her own.

She even took her into a different room when we were all having Christmas dinner - so the entire rest of the extended family sat around the dining table while she took toddler DD Into another room and closed the door. Fucking weird, rude, disrespectful, and crazy behaviour.

Unsurprisingly my relationship with my in-laws has just deteriorated ever since then. I now only see them under sufferance and still hate it.

@BertrandRussell The problem with this attitude, perfectly understandable as it is, is that the baby’s relationship with it’s two grandmothers is exactly the same.

It's not though. I have a son and a daughter.

They're only little at the moment, but I am already completely aware that I will feel differently towards my daughter's children than I will towards my son's. (assuming and hoping that they both become parents)

I'm sure I will love the grandchildren just as much, but it will be completely different when it's MY daughter going through pregnancy, and HER baby, rather than some random woman whose existence I'm not even aware of yet.

My MIL like many others I've heard about (but sadly for me, had no idea about at the time that I became a mum) did not care about me , the person who had been pregnant and given birth, at all. I was nothing but an obstacle to her playing 'mummy' with my baby. That alone is enough of a reason that the relationship starts out on a different footing - because treating a newborn baby's mother like crap is, in fact, also treating the baby like crap. My mum, on the other hand, was caring and concerned about my welfare, and that in turn had beneficial effects on my newborn.

i think it's because it's your MIL and not your mum, you'll always prefer your family to have her

The OP hasn't left her with her mother either.

Of course it’s fine to not want to hand your baby over to anyone else when you’re not there. I’m a second time mum- confident, no MH issues, relaxed and secure, but I’d make no bones about wanting to keep my baby close to me. As well as really liking him and wanting to cuddle him for most of the day, I feel I’m best placed to meet his needs whilst he’s unable to clearly communicate what he needs to others.

@DuchessMustard Why on earth did you allow any of that?!

I'd have been straight into that room and dragged my child straight out. Although she'd have been banned from seeing her from the first instance

@Shesalittlemadam DuchessMustard Why on earth did you allow any of that?! I'd have been straight into that room and dragged my child straight out. Although she'd have been banned from seeing her from the first instance

Yes, it's always very very easy to say what perfect course of action you'd take when it's not actually your life & you don't have to deal with any of the people involved, isn't it.

Because me physically dragging my toddler away from her grandmother & screaming at her in front of approximately 25 of her family members would have been ideal.

That's not how real life works, unfortunately.

It is when you're a mother. She is emotionally damaging your child. I had to physically protect my child from their violent father so I don't need to be told what life is about thanks!
Your job as a mother is to protect your child, not sit back and do nothing to 'keep the peace' and save arguments for goodness sakes! I would never allow my child to be abused for anything let alone just to keep others happy.
What she is doing to her is a hell of a lot more damaging that dragging her away once. But then it should never have got to that stage as I said originally. The first sign of those issues she should've been banned from seeing her. It's called safeguarding

The first sign of those issues she should've been banned from seeing her. It's called safeguarding

There was absolutely no safeguarding risk to allowing the child to eat a meal with her grandmother.

@Shesalittlemadam Your job as a mother is to protect your child, not sit back and do nothing to 'keep the peace' and save arguments for goodness sakes! I would never allow my child to be abused for anything let alone just to keep others happy.

ABUSED?! What the fuck makes you think that is an acceptable thing to say, or in any way based on what I said in my post?

Yes, my MIL can be extremely difficult, annoying, selfish and rude with regard to the way she treats me and my husband. But I have NEVER and would never for a moment suggest or imply that she has done anything ABUSIVE to my daughter!

The first sign of those issues she should've been banned from seeing her. It's called safeguarding

I don't know what you think gives you the right to invent lies about a family you know nothing about, other than what I've said in my posts.

I have in no way suggested for a moment that there is or has ever been any safeguarding risk to my daughter.

I have had some major issues with my MIL over the past ten years but I have never thought for one moment that there was any risk of abuse or any safeguarding concern.

Your accusations are outrageous, unfounded and sickening.

You have massively overstepped the line. I suggest you are more careful with the outrageous accusations that you post in future, because you are slandering people with no basis whatsoever and you could find yourself in some serious legal trouble.

I'm sure I will love the grandchildren just as much, but it will be completely different when it's MY daughter going through pregnancy, and HER baby, rather than some random woman whose existence I'm not even aware of yet.

Depends on your relationship with her. My MIL has a son and a daughter. Her daughter fell out with her as a teenager and has nothing to do with her now at all, despite the best efforts of MIL to reconnect. She spends more time with my DD than my mother does. She will always be closer to her son's children than her daughter's unless things change dramatically.

@RolytheRhino Well obviously if something happens that means (god forbid) that my daughter & I lose contact, then er, yes, that would change my statement that I expect to feel closer to my daughter's children than my son's.

I didn't realise that we had to preface all statements of intent & understanding with caveats about possible unforeseen events that might discredit them.

I'll remember that in future.

"I'm going to buy a chicken in Tesco tomorrow UNLESS I GET HIT BY A BUS ON THE WAY"

"I'm going to Butlin's at half-term UNLESS IT BURNS DOWN"

"I'm going to start a new job next week UNLESS THE COMPANY GOES BANKRUPT"

The problem with this attitude, perfectly understandable as it is, is that the baby’s relationship with it’s two grandmothers is exactly the same.
No relationships are exactly the same.

Dont forget all these answers.You will all be Mils same day.And everything will be held against you.Just the way it is.

I didn't realise that we had to preface all statements of intent & understanding with caveats about possible unforeseen events that might discredit them.

My own mother has had no fall outs with me and still I don't have her overly involved. My point was that you can't actually know and shouldn't realistically base your expectations on something like what sex your kids are. Smacks a bit of entitlement to me- my mother was all, 'I'm the proper grandmother so I should see her more' 🙄. It's not an attitude I'd advise anyone to have as it can backfire rather spectacularly.

I understand a bit of inequality in the very early days in that a very recently post partum woman still in pyjamas and feeling vulnerable may be comfortable with her own mother or own parents seeing her in that state but not in laws. That's understandable and any in law pulling an "I'm an equal grandparent and should have the same access" is a twat. If you genuinely love the new baby in a healthy way then some respect for their mother isn't too much to ask for surely.

Obviously beyond this it should be more equal but I think what can happen is the son is less good at keeping in contact and making plans with his parents. Women are less likely to want to do this sort of wifework and plan their husbands social lives these days. It's not the woman's fault if she can be fucked to make plans with her parents and her husband can't be fucked with his. It's not the woman's job to facilitate equal access for all the grandparents.