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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL wants to spend alone time with DD

369 replies

newmum0519 · 20/11/2019 03:13

My DD is about to turn 6 months old. We live very near our in-laws and see them at least once a week. My MIL text me today saying she is disappointed that she hasn't spent any time alone with her granddaughter and could we set something up next week. AIBU to say no to this?

OP posts:
Thehop · 20/11/2019 04:12

“Aww thank you for the offer. I’m
Not ready to leave her yet, but we’ll look forward to seeing you again soon”

“Thanks for the lovely offer, as soon as we’re ready to leave her well really appreciate that”

“As soon as she asks I’ll let you know haha!”

”well she’s my baby not a doll!”

“Fuck off, what do you want to do to her that you can’t do in front of me?”

Delete according to mood

Aquamarine1029 · 20/11/2019 04:14

It’s completely normal for grandparents and others to want time alone with the baby by now.

"Normal?" Since when? The baby is 6 months old. Why on earth do they need to be alone with her without her mother or father present? What could they possibly want to do? They can "bond" with the baby just as well with a parent there, and for the MIL to express she is disappointed is WAY over-stepping the mark. She has absolutely no say in that child's life or in how her parents choose to raise her. MIL needs to wind her neck in.

torain6319 · 20/11/2019 04:17

Great minds!

EleanorShellstrop100 · 20/11/2019 04:21

I absolutely wouldn’t allow this as I wouldn’t feel comfortable or happy to leave my baby - I’d not be able to relax with her in someone else’s care yet. Don’t say yes and explain that your daughter is too young to be away from you at the moment, and you don’t feel ready for it yet either. Tell her YOU will get in touch if and when you’re ready, so hopefully she will stop asking. Don’t say yes or this will become an expectation and a regular arrangement.

Bibijayne · 20/11/2019 04:26

I don't understand the desire for alone time with really small infants. Certainly not insistence on it. I'd say as PP have said, you're not ready to leave her alone.

Asschercut · 20/11/2019 04:41

Do exactly what makes you feel comfortable, no pressure from anyone. When I started to leave my son with a nanny I would just go up for a long soak in the bath while they played downstairs. It was reassuring as I could check that they were having a nice time and hear/see that the nanny was able to settle him to sleep etc. A long soak/sleep/time to sort my own stuff out was great. When you feel ready (and not pressured to doing it sooner) you might want to try this half way tactic to ease you in, but only if you want to and if you need a bit of time to do something in the house. It would make the trips to the hair dresser easier when you get there and are ready to leave her. I do however think asking for alone time at 6mths is odd and the disappointed part is unkind. Listen to your mothering instincts, maybe you will never want to leave your daughter alone with your MIL and frankly this is okay too.

BertrandRussell · 20/11/2019 04:43

If you’re not ready to leave her then don’t.

Unrelated- I do understand why people want to spend time on their own with babies- I loved looking after my great nephews on my own when they were tiny! You can be as silly and soppy as you like in what you say and sing, and focus all your attention on them. There wasn’t anything sinister about it- I was just a bit self conscious in front of other people. Particularly in front of the parent I hadn’t known all their life!

Carys123 · 20/11/2019 04:48

I was exactly the same. I just was not ready at 6 months. Didn't spend alone time with mil until 11 months, she was absolutely fine. Did not display any anxiety. Also, why do they need alone time.

Dustarr73 · 20/11/2019 05:00

@Aquamarine1029 i loved having alone time with my gs.You know the gp love the child,wants to have some bond.Shes not asking or expecting to take her overnight.

I just loved being able to give him my full attention and talking to him.Its great,

BillHadersNewWife · 20/11/2019 05:00

I thought you were going to say DD was 3 weeks or something! Why not leave her with MIL for an hour to start with? It's hard I know but it honestly is healthier. She'll be ready for nursery in such a short time.

YourEggnogIsBetterThanMine · 20/11/2019 05:05

No one else gets to dictate when you leave your baby. That text would piss me right off. If you were leaving her with someone else and just not MIL then I'd be more understanding of MIL's "disappointment" but that's not the case. My DC have a great relationship with all 4 GPs and none of them have had "time alone" with any of my babies. They've all ended up looking after them for small amounts of time but it's come about naturally.

LimeRedBanana · 20/11/2019 05:13

The disappointed comment was definitely intentional.

Yes, there's obviously a reason you feel uncomfortable, and a reason you posted this. MIL has form.

My own MIL would never ask this sort of thing in a million years, never offer unsolicited advice, never have any sort of expectation - as she is a thoughtful, considerate woman.

She doesn't need to be 'disappointed' to manipulate people into getting her own way.

ExceptionFatale · 20/11/2019 05:14

I'm 50/50 on this one, I agree with what other PPs have said regarding your MIL, but I also agree with torain and jings on this.

I agree with the PPs saying that if you're not comfortable leaving your DD alone with your MIL right now, you absolutely have the right and it's not unreasonable either to tell her that you just aren't ready. You mentioned she's been manipulative in the past, try and frame what you tell her in a way that she can't twist it into anything but what it is. Like you're really happy knowing that your daughter has a wonderful grandmother that loves her and that you sincerely appreciate her wanting to bond with her, but you're quite attached and are having a hard time being away from her so you're not ready yet and you'd be worried that it would hurt her more if you were to drop her off only to end up picking her up 15 minutes later due to your anxiety about not being ready. Basically "I'm doing this for you" in a way - it tends to work with overly dramatic and/or manipulative people.

As for what torain and jings said however - you do sound like you have seperation anxiety. When I read that you won't even leave your daughter with your husband made me really sad for all three of you. Your daughter wasn't conceived alone, she has two parents and is very fortunate to have both of her parents not just in the picture but living together. Her father deserves time to bond with his daughter just as much as you do, it's not unreasonable to not allow your MIL alone time with DD, but it IS unreasonable not to allow her father alone time with his daughter. Try and empathize/put yourself in his shoes, imagine the situation reversed and think how heartbroken you'd feel if your husband wouldn't let you spend more than 15 minutes at a time alone with DD. I think it would help your anxiety, make your husband happy and help set your DD up for success when it comes time where you HAVE to leave her in someone else's care if you were to talk to your husband about how anxious you are about leaving her and that you want to work on it together by having him watch his daughter for more than 15 minutes at a time. I suffer with generalized anxiety disorder / panic disorder and when I feel that extreme anxiety I have learned that I have to sit with it and then let it pass over me. The first time you leave her for longer than 15 minutes, it may only be for 30 minutes, but the point is to keep gradually increasing the time you spend away until you're able to go out for an hour or two, spending some nice time doing whatever you enjoy without feeling the need to run home because you'll know by then that your DD has two amazing, loving parents that will always take great care of her.

For your own mental health as well as the benefits to your husband and daughter I sincerely hope you consider trying to increase the amount of time you can spend away. Baby steps are fine, increasing your time apart by increments of 5 minutes once a week is a workable goal, I think you're more than capable of doing it.

Shantotto · 20/11/2019 05:25

Jeez it’s not abnormal to not want to leave your baby with anyone! There’s no need to yet, OP doesn’t want to do she doesn’t have to.

In the early days with my kids I didn’t leave them alone with DP either, we hung out together. I didn’t particularly need or want to go anywhere aIone, I certainly didn’t have any form of separation anxiety. I just didn’t want to.

BillHadersNewWife · 20/11/2019 05:31

Thank God I'm not a man! I'd HATE to think I couldn't leave my babies with my DH!

CountFosco · 20/11/2019 05:34

You’ve barely left her for 15 min intervals with your own husband within the last 6 months.

Is that really so unusual for a BF baby? I had no significant time away from DD1 until that age. First time I went out during the day without her and left her with DH (at 6 months so she'd started on solids) I returned after 2h to her crying and crying, she'd refused to eat anything or to drink the expressed milk. I returned to work 3 months later, DH went PT, and she was fine, no separation anxiety and more secure with eating and happy to take a bottle by that point.

They change such a lot at that age and MILs comment about being disappointed is unnecessary, she could have as easily said 'now DD is getting older if you want to have a bit of a break I'm happy to take her for a walk while you get a haircut or something, just let me know when you need me'.

newmum0519 · 20/11/2019 05:36

@torain6319 I do trust my DH with her. It's not a trust issue. He often looks after her on the weekend mornings to let me catch up on some sleep. I know I'm only next door but DD obs isn't aware of that and she is more than happy being with just her dad. It's just I don't really enjoy being away from her right now.

@blackcat86 I'm hoping to return to work for a couple of days a week when DD is a year old. I haven't had my back to work chat yet to confirm this. We have just found a nursery for DD to go to for the 2 days a week when I'm at work.

I know I will find it hard to leave her but I also know it will good for DDs socialisation etc... And I'm sure I will feel more than ready in another 6 months time.

MIL doesn't think I should return to work (has said to me, when we were alone, that children suffer when their mums work.) she has also voiced her dislike of nurseries.

OP posts:
Quiterightly · 20/11/2019 05:46

I don’t think you have separation anxiety at all. It’s normal to NOT want to spend time away from your baby.
You know you’re not comfortable, so don’t do it.
Nobody needs alone time with anyone especially not a baby, to bond.

newmum0519 · 20/11/2019 05:55

@ExceptionFatale sorry, I think I just worded it poorly. I totally trust DH with my DD and he has plenty of one on one time with her. I just haven't been out of the house for longer than a dog walk. He has offered to look after her if I wanted to have an evening out and I have said maybe in a month or so. I did say that if he wanted to look after her without me there I would make myself scarce but he seems quite happy for us all to be together.

I have also made sure he has taken her to a couple of her baby classes so he can have some one on one bonding time without me. Again I was only next door in a cafe waiting but I thought it was good for him to do some activities with her.

OP posts:
Bibijayne · 20/11/2019 05:59

This does not sound like separation anxiety. Not sure why people keep suggesting it!

FridalovesDiego · 20/11/2019 06:03

Does her father ever look after her? You say your DH has had her for 15 minutes, (I am assuming he is not her father because what kind of father can’t look after their own child for longer than a few minutes)

newmum0519 · 20/11/2019 06:03

@Thehop thanks for the suggested responses. I think...

“Thanks for the lovely offer, as soon as we’re ready to leave her well really appreciate that”

... is a really good response.

I want her to know that it's not a 'never' just a 'not right now! '

OP posts:
newmum0519 · 20/11/2019 06:12

@FridalovesDiego I don't think I explained myself clearly. He is her father. He has looked after her for longer than 15 minutes. When he gets home from work we share the child care responsibilities. He let's me have lie ins and looks after her in the mornings on weekends. It's just that I haven't gone out without DD for anything longer than a dog walk or popping to a shop.

I know I wouldn't have fun at the moment going out without her, and him, quite frankly. I'm enjoying this family time while it lasts, as I know it comes and goes so quickly.

OP posts:
newmum0519 · 20/11/2019 06:18

@Quiterightly @Bibijayne thanks, I was starting to get a bit concerned that how I feel wasn't normal.

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 20/11/2019 06:23

Hmmm, what's normal is for MiL to see her DGD when you're around, too. At this age, you come as a package!

Treat it as a kind offer - ignore the grumbly element - and tell her you're glad to know she's ready to step in if you have an appointment or something.

As for her comments on working mothers, nurseries etc, ignore them, I think, but if she persists or escalates you could tell her politely that you've heard her views which you didn't ask for now, and don't need her to repeat them. If that doesn't stop her you might have to ask her to stay off the topic altogether and cut down on her visits if she doesn't comply.

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