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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants to spend alone time with DD

369 replies

newmum0519 · 20/11/2019 03:13

My DD is about to turn 6 months old. We live very near our in-laws and see them at least once a week. My MIL text me today saying she is disappointed that she hasn't spent any time alone with her granddaughter and could we set something up next week. AIBU to say no to this?

OP posts:
Original poster
newmum0519 · 20/11/2019 06:32

Also, I don't really get the alone time thing. I'm on my own with DD when DH is at work but if we were rich enough that we didn't have to work I don't think I'd want him to go out so I could be on my own with her. Just the opposite, I love us all being together. And I'm sure DH does too.

OP posts:
falcon5 · 20/11/2019 06:33

You are not under any obligation to leave your baby or your child alone with anybody. Its that simple.

rwalker · 20/11/2019 06:36

MIL aside Think you should start trying to leave her a bit more . You say your planning to return to work for your DD point of view would be easier on her if she's used to other people.

EleanorReally · 20/11/2019 06:38

how do you get a hair cut op, see the dentist?
did you say you were breastfeeding?
just say to MIL thanks and may be make plans for a shopping trip a bit later on
does seem a strange request though.

Original poster
newmum0519 · 20/11/2019 06:38

@NearlyGranny thanks for the advice. I like how you worded it. Direct but not antagonistic.

OP posts:
Original poster
newmum0519 · 20/11/2019 06:43

@EleanorReally I haven't had a hair cut since DD was born. Or seen the dentist but I'm not due a checkup for a few more months! Grin

I am breastfeeding so can't leave DD for too long anyway, unless I express.

OP posts:
burritofan · 20/11/2019 06:50

Doesn't sound like separation anxiety to me, unless I have it too. Also haven't had a haircut since DD was born! (Haircuts always seem to be brought up in these threads as the marker of normality. Seems normal to me to not have the time, energy or inclination for a cut.) I've left her for an eye test and a job interview, and felt twitchy throughout. But she's breastfed and feeds frequently on demand.

Grandparents don't need alone time with a baby. WTF is that anyway? Six months is nothing; perhaps MIL might be justified in disappointment at a few years old, but a little baby? Nah,

Original poster
newmum0519 · 20/11/2019 06:56

@burritofan thanks. It good to hear I'm not alone in feeling this way. I also don't really have the money for a hair cut either! (babys aren't cheap Wink)

OP posts:
Silentlysinking101 · 20/11/2019 06:57

I didn't have this issue with my mil when dd was a baby as she was dying and in hospital, but I did have it from my own mum, especially as I ff. Although notably she didn't push my sister to leave her dd as a baby and she bf.

I had to leave dd with mum at 5 months due to moving house but I definitely wasn't ready to do so.

The disappointment from you mil is definitely not on, and as you say it's very manipulative. As others have said, I would just say to her that unfortunately you simply aren't ready to leave her alone with anyone, but once you are you would love it if you could arrange something with her.

And if she gets shitty mske sure DH backs you up!

Babybel90 · 20/11/2019 07:07

Why does she need to be alone with her, she’s not a doll to be loaned out.

happychange · 20/11/2019 07:10

No chance! I couldn't really bear to be apart from DS at that age either and it was maybe when he was a year old that mil got to watch him on her own

CodenameVillanelle · 20/11/2019 07:18

You don't have any kind of anxiety - not wanting to be away from her is perfectly normal.
I think it's weird for GPs to expect alone time with their GCs when they are babies but I kind of get why they might want a bit. But the use of the word 'disappointed' js so manipulative. I think I'd be clearer in my reply - 'thanks for the offer, I don't have any need to leave DD with anyone at the moment but when she's a bit older you'll be first in line' or something.

NoSauce · 20/11/2019 07:18

Just say no. If she has worded it differently do you think you wouldn’t have been so put out by the request? Her text was rather strong in saying she was disappointed!

Soontobe60 · 20/11/2019 07:25

I think you're too attached to your DD. It's good for babies to spend time with others, that's how they build relationships. The fact that you've not even left her with her own father for more than 15 minutes is also very telling. I'm pretty sure that at 6 months she's not needing to be fed every 15 minutes, probably more like every 4/5 hours.
You need to start up building your confidence in leaving her by having her father, your DH, look after her for a couple of hours whilst you go out. He could even go with her to your MILs during that time. Then get MIL round to your house and leave her to look after DD whilst you take the dog out for half an hour. Build it up gradually.
How on earth are you going to cope when you go back to work if you don't start letting others look after her now? And if you don't intend to return to work, what about when she starts school? It can be traumatic for children to start school if they've never had the opportunity to be looked after by anoyone other that their mother. That's when genuine separation anxiety becomes a huge issue.
This is about your needs, not your childs. She needs to socialise with other people, you need to allow her. Please don't let her become so clingy that she's a nervous wreck around others.

EleanorReally · 20/11/2019 07:29

how does your lo react to MIL when you see her?

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 20/11/2019 07:29

When you are ready and maybe have the money to treat yourself why not go with MIL and DD in to town, you go get haircut while MIL heads to a coffee shop or goes for a walk around town. Win win potentially.

I had my two DDs when we were living abroad so we had no family nearby and I would have really appreciated an hr sometimes just to take a nap or sort things in the house, or go for a haircut etc.

Dustarr73 · 20/11/2019 07:32

I think it's weird for GPs to expect alone time with their GCs when they are babies

Why is it weird from a gp wanting to be involved.I brought my gs out for a walk at that age.

@newmum0519 if you are not ready to leave tor dd,thats fine.But gp wanting to bond with their gc is not weird,Its perfectly normal.

Its not something sinister,

joystir59 · 20/11/2019 07:32

I think you should start letting your mil look after your daughter for a regular weekly slot, and let other trustee family and friends babysit sometimes too. It will benefit you and your child to take up these offers of people who want to bond with your child. You are making a rod for your own back if you push people away and end up with a clingy child with separation anxiety. As the old saying goes: it takes a village to raise a child. It surely can't be healthy to not spend more than 15 mins away from her in the six months of her life.

EleanorReally · 20/11/2019 07:33

I think separation anxiety will come anyway!

DinoSn0re · 20/11/2019 07:35

OP, you’re doing just fine. Your baby is only six months old! I followed exactly the same sort of pattern in terms of BF/not leaving my DC often or for extended periods of time when they were young. One of my DC is shy and is definitely a home girl (although she does have a lovely circle of friends), but the other two are confident, loud and want to have friends/family round constantly. They also all confidently go into nursery/school and to other people’s houses. It’s down to personality as they have all been raised in exactly the same way.
You do what’s right for you and your baby. Not what other people want.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 20/11/2019 07:37

I think you need to be careful that you dont use MIL when it suits/convenient to you? Like you say you'd be happy to drop of her off if you need a haircut......works both ways

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 20/11/2019 07:42

MIL wanting to spend time with the baby is normal, but why does it have to be alone time? And why the preemptive manipulation before you even had a chance to say no (or yes, but that would make me far more inclined to say no)?

Your DD is a baby, not a car or a toy. People can't just ask to borrow her!

Shelby2010 · 20/11/2019 07:42

If someone sent me that message it would definitely make me feel defensive against THAT person looking after my baby. If I’d been making the effort for them to see the baby every week, I’d also feel annoyed at the implication that my presence was a nuisance to them. That’s what would make it a big fat No from me.

However if she’d offered to come round & watch DD whilst I went to the shops then it wouldn’t have got my bristles up and I’m more likely to take her up on the offer.

If MIL is manipulative then you won’t trust her, so you won’t want to leave your baby with her. Also I bet she wants her alone in her own house, not yours which would also feel a bit weird.

YANBU

BellyButton85 · 20/11/2019 07:42

You ought to be careful your husband doesn't start thinking you don't trust him with his own baby nevermind the MIL

Lweji · 20/11/2019 07:44

If they spend enough time together, it doesn't need to be alone time. It's not like they're having chats or anything.

I agree with thanking for the offer and to be sure that when needed she'll be asked to care for DD.
Meanwhile, if you don't already, when you or her visit each other, make sure she has some time with the baby. Explicitly ask her to mind her while you go to the bathroom or do something in the kitchen. Ask her if she wants to change nappies, feed, whatever.