MIL wants to spend alone time with DD

[newmum0519]

My DD is about to turn 6 months old. We live very near our in-laws and see them at least once a week. My MIL text me today saying she is disappointed that she hasn't spent any time alone with her granddaughter and could we set something up next week. AIBU to say no to this?

@Dustarr73 if I do indeed become a parasitic grandparent one day or treat my recently postpartum DIL like shit I hope I do get called out for my bad behaviour

Can’t believe some of the comments on here. She’s your baby, you only get that time once and there is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to leave her! Your mother in law has had her time with her babies. It bugs me that anyone thinks they have a right to expect to have someone else’s child whether they are grandparents or not. I am sure you know that she would never harm your dd but just because you know that it doesn’t mean you can be ok with leaving her yet. I only ever left my ds with my mum on the odd occasion and when I went back to work (although tough for me) he was absolutely fine. Just because other people are more comfortable with that and have better relationships with their own mil doesn’t mean that you should feel like they feel. Your baby your rules!

YANBU OP.

However, if you are planning on putting dd into nursery in 5-6 months it would be wise to start leaving her with mil etc for periods.

I haven't left my dc with anyone in 1.5 years but I'm not returning to work

“ The problem with this attitude, perfectly understandable as it is, is that the baby’s relationship with it’s two grandmothers is exactly the same.*
No relationships are exactly the same.”
What I meant was that the baby is equally blood related to both it’s grandmothers. There isn’t a primary and secondary grandmother unless the mother of the baby creates a hierarchy.

Dont forget all these answers.You will all be Mils same day.And everything will be held against you.Just the way it is.

This is insane. People referring to their future daughters in law as "random people" and the assumption that future conflict is guaranteed. I don't understand why anyone would overtly state that they fully intend to favour the children of their daughters over their sons'. This is bonkers.

Your mother in law has had her time with her babies. It bugs me that anyone thinks they have a right to expect to have someone else’s child whether they are grandparents or not

Yep - exactly this. This is your baby and you don’t owe ‘alone time’ to anyone. You are the parents.

Any grandparent who’s obsessed with taking a child off its mother, needs to be reminded of that. Grandchildren aren’t a chance to relive long-gone mummy days or make up for time you didn’t spend with your own child. They’re not dolls.

Normal, loving grandparents instinctively understand their relationship with their grandchildren. This woman has massively overstepped the mark.

What I meant was that the baby is equally blood related to both it’s grandmothers. There isn’t a primary and secondary grandmother unless the mother of the baby creates a hierarchy.

Or unless the father of the baby makes no effort to include his parents and expects his wife to do it all.

Why is it the fault of the mother that she's closer to her own parents and willing to make that effort to see them regularly? It should be down to each parent to facilitate the child's relationship with their side of the family. But it seems all the expectation, and therefore blame when it's not as the paternal grandma would like, falls onto mum.

Totally agree BreatheandFocus!

@RolytheRhino My own mother has had no fall outs with me and still I don't have her overly involved. My point was that you can't actually know and shouldn't realistically base your expectations on something like what sex your kids are. Smacks a bit of entitlement to me- my mother was all, 'I'm the proper grandmother so I should see her more' 🙄. It's not an attitude I'd advise anyone to have as it can backfire rather spectacularly.

Except that's the opposite of what I was saying, which is that I don't expect to have a massively close relationship with my son's future children,and I will certainly never, ever seek to push my way in, treating my future DIL as an annoyance and inconvenience getting in the way of MY GRANDCHILD.

Of course my daughter may decide that she doesn't want me closely involved either. I hope not - our relationship is very strong at the moment, as is mine with my mum - but if she does decide that, that will be her choice. I wouldn't push myself in there either.

One thing my MIL has taught me is that you don't push yourself as a grandmother regardless of relationship to the baby. Because it's not your sodding baby.

@BertrandRussell What I meant was that the baby is equally blood related to both it’s grandmothers.

If you consider the statistics for a moment, you'd realise that in a significant minority of cases, that's not true. There are actually very sound biological reasons for a woman feeling more intimately linked to her daughter's child than to her son's.

@CloudPop This is insane. People referring to their future daughters in law as "random people" and the assumption that future conflict is guaranteed.

What I said was that a woman/women who might at some point in the future become the mother(s) of my grandchildren are, at the moment, random people. I was pointing out that there is no real relationship there.

I don't for a moment think that future conflict is guaranteed. Part of the reason for that is that my MIL has been a brilliant lesson in how NOT to behave around your grandchildren (whether they are your son's or daughter's children).

I can see exactly what to mean . Why on earth would she voice disappointment ?
This shouldn’t be all about her .
You say you’ve only left DD for 15 minutes with DH to get a breath of fresh air with the dog and you’re not ready for more . Just tell her that . If she doesn’t react well it’s hardly your fault .

“Or unless the father of the baby makes no effort to include his parents and expects his wife to do it all.“
Hang on- everyone on this thread is saying that the baby’s mother knows best- her word goes- she’s in charge. And what about “he has to remember that his focus should be his little family”?

There isn’t a primary and secondary grandmother unless the mother of the baby creates a hierarchy.

Families are collections of people, each with their own skills, personalities, resources, relationships, wishes and feelings. Some uncles are more involved than fathers. Some DGPs live further away than others or are more motivated to see their DGCs than others.

Babies will naturally spend more time and build better relationships with some of their relatives than with others and the reasons behind that are as varied as the families they are in.

It's usually important for children to be enabled to build bonds with most of their closer family members and others within their parents' support network, including those that are less easily accessible or motivated to be involved. That doesn't mean every relationship should fit some sort of hierarchical pattern.

There is absolutely no reason whatsoever to start drawing comparisons between relatives who share similar amounts of DNA to make sure they have the same level of access to your baby.

No two grandparents have the same role in a child's life and it would be utter madness to try to make parents responsible for ensuring they all get equal shares.

I wouldn't expect any woman to spend a lot of time with anyone in the first few days of motherhood with anyone around whom they didn't feel completely safe and relaxed. For some it will be just the baby's father and their own mother. For others it might be their sister, MIL or best friend. Nobody else should be imposed on her at that time and certainly not because another relative equal to them in some imagined hierarchy is getting to be with the baby.

Similar applies with an older baby. If the parents are comfortable with leaving the baby, they don't have to ask Auntie Jo next week because Uncle John had him last week and they certainly shouldn't be required to ask Grandad Pete first because he's a closer relative. They should ask the person they feel most comfortable leaving their child with.

As children grow, relationships change. The maternal GM may spend more time with the baby just after the birth but maybe the paternal grandparents will babysit lots when that baby becomes a toddler. Trying to make that 'fair' or 'equal' would be insane. How would you determine who is owed what? Some sort of points system?

Hang on- everyone on this thread is saying that the baby’s mother knows best- her word goes- she’s in charge. And what about “he has to remember that his focus should be his little family”?

I disagree, not everyone has said that at all. What most people have said is that it's up to OP if she wants to leave her baby with her MiL. Not that dad has no say, but the message was sent to the DiL not the son. And in this instance, the OP's husband was pissed off with his mother and wanted to say something to her. So, seems he is making the decisions there about his child's relationship with his mother.

I must have missed where someone on this thread has said the husband must focus on his little family. Don't know why anyone would say that seeing as it was stated in the OP that the husband was on side and willing to go to bat for his wife if needed.

But I stand by the fact it's dad's responsibility to facilitate a relationship for his children with his family. And when the baby is young that very likely will mean mum has to be there too, but as the child gets older the relationship and trust will already have been established in the early days which will make it much easier.

Had similar to this! Why exactly does she need to get rid of you to do with a 6 month old? She can cuddle, change and go for a walk with you there etc.?

The manner in which she's said 'disappointed (in what exactly?!) and can you organise this next wk' or similar just smacks of her trying to guilt you, then tell you what to do when she has no right or authority to do so. Don't make anything up just be honest - "sorry you feel disappointed but I'm not comfortable leaving DD alone yet, although appreciate the offer to take her for a while. No reflection on you MIL but I'm not ready and that's just how it is. Maybe when she's a bit bigger and I decide I'm ready we can discuss".

So many people have expectations and opinions on things like weddings, babies, finances which are none of their business. Just be straight with them and don't let anyone tell you what is happening or make you feel guilty for not falling in line with their expectations.

She's your child, so you have to do what you are comfortable with.

“ She's your child, so you have to do what you are comfortable with.”

This is good general advice of course. But it doesn’t always apply. I don’t think a baby’s father (assuming he is loving and capable) never having looked after his baby for more than 15 minutes at 6 months is a bit worrying, frankly.

This is good general advice of course. But it doesn’t always apply. I don’t think a baby’s father (assuming he is loving and capable) never having looked after his baby for more than 15 minutes at 6 months is a bit worrying, frankly.

Have another read of OP's posts. Dad often looks after the baby for a few hours in the mornings at the weekend.

But OP's dp has looked after the baby for more than 15 minutes. She says he regularly has the baby for a few hours at the weekend so she can have a lie in.

The op isn’t asking advice on leaving the baby with the Dad either! The post was about the mil and the advice given to the op should be about that.