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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants to spend alone time with DD

369 replies

newmum0519 · 20/11/2019 03:13

My DD is about to turn 6 months old. We live very near our in-laws and see them at least once a week. My MIL text me today saying she is disappointed that she hasn't spent any time alone with her granddaughter and could we set something up next week. AIBU to say no to this?

OP posts:
Lweji · 20/11/2019 07:47

I think you need to be careful that you dont use MIL when it suits/convenient to you? Like you say you'd be happy to drop of her off if you need a haircut......works both ways

That's silly.
I don't need regular alone time with my nephews to say yes when they need to stay at my place.
The OP is likely to help care for MIL in her old age/illness, there will be plenty of quid pro quo, I'm sure.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 20/11/2019 07:55

When my SIL used to ask DH and I to watch her kids there wasn't any sort of holding her hostage by way of also getting them to ourselves at other times, we just said yes if we were available because we wanted to help out and we're fond of the kids. They're still not our kids and it's up to their parents to decide if and when they visit (ed, the youngest is a teenager now) us.

Again, you don't just ask to borrow someone else's child, much less get huffy that they haven't already offered and made themselves scarce so you can have the child to yourself. That's the part that jumps out at me. Seriously, what?

It's weird that she put it that way, OP, and it's not at all unreasonable for it to have got your back up.

SnuggyBuggy · 20/11/2019 07:56

Grandparents don't need alone time to bond with their grandchildren. That's just bollocks.

6 months is still tiny and I'll get shit for this but when a baby is BF its not going to be an equal relationship with both parents for that time, all that stuff about both parents creating the baby is irrelevant. It's fine, babies get older and there is plenty of time to bond with others. There isn't some must have had alone time with them by x time limit.

Love51 · 20/11/2019 07:56

I was never apart from my kids at that age. Eldest didn't have a night away from home without a parent until almost 4 years old. I had slept away by then while she was at home with her dad, and her dad had nights away while she was with me.
No issues about being away now, because neither of us were anxious because our needs were met when she was young. She has an amazing relationship with all 3 sets of grandparents, as does her younger sibling. They both have been to sleepovers and Brownie camp etc without distress.
Being away from your child isn't compulsory.
The first person to have my child for a significant period (more than an hour) - aside from DH was his dad and stepmum. They gave an open offer and we took it when we were ready - had a day out before I returned to work. I think they enjoyed it but didn't make it about them.

AlmostAlwyn · 20/11/2019 07:58

You are definitely not unreasonable! My MIL didn't have my son alone until he was 9 months old (and she wasn't pushy about it). Like you, I just didn't feel ready and that's perfectly normal. It's not separation anxiety and it's not detrimental for your baby.

@Soontobe60 what does "too attached to your baby" mean? Handing out your baby to anyone who asks is more likely to create separation anxiety for the baby, who will never know when you're going to go away again. Creating a secure attachment between mother and baby (and father, which it sounds like the OP is doing, if you've read her updates) is MUCH more important than any proprietary feelings of grandparents. And a securely attached baby will not be "clingy". In fact, they're more likely to be independent because they know their parents are always there when they need them.

You also don't know how often a breastfed baby feeds. If you're feeding on demand then it could be every 20 minutes, it could be once in 2 hours. You don't know the OP's baby, and every 4/5 hours sounds much too little to me at 6 months.

OP, it sounds like you're doing a great job. If your MIL has form for being manipulative, then for me, that's even more reason to push back and show her that what you say goes. Don't be pushed into something you're not comfortable with. It's really hard to undo it later!

LaPufalina · 20/11/2019 08:00

Lots of projection going on from parents that were happy to leave their own babies GrinNewmum I felt the same with my eldest at six months, think breastfeeding does play a big part. My friend said she had felt the same as me but fine by 9mo to leave her for a bit, and I might too, and she was right. By 9mo they're a bit more independent, eating a fair bit and sitting up. I had a similar MIL situation to you, she'd formula fed and didn't understand BF at all.

DDIJ · 20/11/2019 08:00

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

JasonPollack · 20/11/2019 08:01

My son is just a year old and I have onky every left him with his dad, for a maximum of a long evening. I think that's fine and normal not too attatched Hmm as pp have suggested. How can you be too attatched to your six month old!

I would probably leave DS now with MIL if I need to but I wouldn't at 6 months. I think it's an odd request to spend alone time with anyone else's baby!

Gruzinkerbell1 · 20/11/2019 08:02

It’s normal not to want to leave your baby.

All these grandparents insisting on “alone time” with new grandchild are weird and overstepping.

Tell her no, there’s no need. Or better yet get your DH to tell her and just ignore her.

Hope that helps.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 20/11/2019 08:03

OP you are not a baby machine churning out toys for your MIL to play with. You are full of the hormones that make you a protective mother. It's fine not to want to be parted from your baby just yet. It's natural.
You'll be able to let go when you're ready. Tell her kindly not yet.

cptartapp · 20/11/2019 08:03

Don't reply with "I", reply with "we". Her disappointment should be aimed just as much at her son. Why text you instead of speak to you both? Cowardly and manipulative.

CodenameVillanelle · 20/11/2019 08:13

@Dustarr73 it's weird for GPs to EXPECT to have time ALONE with GCs. It's perfectly normal for them to want to spend time with them.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 20/11/2019 08:16

Stick to your guns. It's really cheeky of her to text you like that. She sounds very pushy (a bit like my in-laws were). As for separation anxiety... I think that it is perfectly natural for a new mum to want to be attached to their baby, esp when breastfeeding. Your MIL is probably interpreting this as you not trusting her, as mine did. It's just that, as a hormonal new mother you have a strong connection to your baby. Tbh, I'd be tempted to not even reply and step back a little. She sounds a tad controlling.

Mascarponeandwine · 20/11/2019 08:16

I don’t know. I mean it’s ok as long as you follow through. What would happen if you had an emergency next week and had to go to the hospital? Had no choice but to leave DD for some reason. Would it be a different story then - MIL wheeled in as emergency last resort childcare? She’s not good enough to actively arrange one on one when life is good, but expected to respond to command and provide childcare when life goes pear shaped. Just be careful you don’t set yourself up - you can’t have it both ways.

Sweetooth92 · 20/11/2019 08:17

It’s totally okay to feel how you do.
One of my husbands friends invited him to the cinema when our son was about 3 months, and accepted.
His friend assumed it was for both and had paid so I felt obliged to go too to not upset things.
It was awful. I spent the entire film just wanting to be at home & he was in his own home, asleep with my parents.

Gradually we worked up to leaving him without me being upset/stressed at the situation-but was only a few hours.

I returned to work when he was just shy of 7 months and I’d never left him a full day. Not even half-But I felt so much more relaxed leaving him at nursery than with my parents.

I think it was all the pressure, my mum in particular clearly was expecting to have him a lot and overnight etc as she took it upon herself to buy everything and do him a bedroom etc. At no point did we ever suggest this would be the case and he at almost two still hasn’t stayed there because I don’t see the need to be away from him, and when we have needed anyone it’s been best to keep him in his own space.
Don’t feel you have to do anything you don’t want too!

Caledoniahasmyheartforever · 20/11/2019 08:18

I could not have left my ds for longer than half an hour at 6 months- he was also breastfed. But I would make myself scarce within my MIL’s home, leaving mil to have time with him- she would inevitably bring ds to me though as he was very attached and he just preferred knowing that I was there.

My dh spent lots of one on one time with both dc, I just didn’t need to leave the house for that to happen. My dm never had my babies for longer than half an hour when they were six months- yet my Dm managed to bond whilst in my company. It’s perfectly possible to build a lovely relationship with a grandparent whilst the parent is still there!

I instinctively knew that my ds needed me, when things got too much, I was his sanctuary to retreat to. A quick feed and he would calm and the world would be right again. Ds later turned out to be autistic and he needed me when the world got too bright, too noisy or too many people were around. A Mother knows her child and knows when both she and her baby are ready to be left alone with anyone. It’s ok to say that you and your baby are not ready to be apart, but that you are delighted that your baby is so well loved and will give her a call as soon as you feel you are both ready.

CodenameVillanelle · 20/11/2019 08:19

@Mascarponeandwine of COURSE you can have it both ways. An emergency is completely different and anyone who resents being called to babysit when their DIL goes to hospital because they aren't allowed alone time with the baby otherwise would be a sociopath.

TheStuffedPenguin · 20/11/2019 08:20

@spacepyramid I am breastfeeding. I just don't think I'm ready to leave DD for any considerable amount of time. I have left her with my DH for 15 minutes or so whilst I have taken the dog for a walk, for instance but I dont really want to be away from her tbh

Blimey OP you need to get a grip here !

diddl · 20/11/2019 08:21

That message would piss me right off tbh.

Wtf is this "alone time" that GPs seem to think is a thing that they must have?

How often was your husband left as a baby with his GM for "alone time"?

GrumpyHoonMain · 20/11/2019 08:24

Honestly I would start leaving the baby with someone even if it’s not your mil to start with. You don’t want to be in a position where the first time you need urgent childcare is also the first time the baby is left alone with someone.

Buddha15 · 20/11/2019 08:24

Ignore everyone that is saying it is 'odd' not to have left her or you have anxiety. As with everything when parenting, everyone has their own opinions they want to throw at you, but it is completely your choice to leave her or not.

For the first year, I could count on my hand the number of times I left my daughter. And before six months I only left her once to have a quick haircut and that was only because it was one minutes walk away.

It had nothing to do with not trusting my husband with her. She was exclusively breastfed, wouldn't take a bottle and I loved spending time with her, so never felt the need to leave her.

She started going to nursery at 1 and was happily settled from the beginning, so not leaving her hasn't hindered this.

She is your daughter, it is your choice.

ChilliMayo · 20/11/2019 08:25

I think the expectation of time alone with a grandchild of this age, and the inference that it is about pleasing the grandparent frankly odd.
If a grandparent is texting to say 'always available if you want a few hours to yourself' or 'if you want to get out on your own for some Xmas shopping let me know' or 'thought you looked tired yesterday, if you want an afternoon on the sofa I'm around for baby duty', all well and good - great actually.
But to frame it simply as alone time is weird. A bit 'tell X to go away it's my turn on the PlayStation now'.

AmbitiouslyFit · 20/11/2019 08:25

I’m frankly surprised by this thread

I don’t see why grandma can’t “dote” on her grandchild in the presence of the mother. Why does she need to be specifically excluded?!

TheStuffedPenguin · 20/11/2019 08:29

Of course she could be sensing this reluctance from you to let others "in" and could be offering it as a helpful suggestion ? Maybe she feels watched by you all the time when you are with her and the baby ?

amiapropermum · 20/11/2019 08:30

There's a difference between offering to lend a hand in a helpful way and demanding alone time. The latter has a feel of MIL trying to put her stamp on DD. I'd be inclined to pretend she was offering to help and reply, "Thanks for the offer. We're not ready to leave DD yet but looking forward to seeing you for lunch next week."